I would never have thought my lover’s lover would end up being one of my best friends. I would never have thought the woman with whom I shared a partner would be a huge source of healing and comfort. I would never have thought I would be planning on co-caring for a puppy with my partner’s wife.

When I discovered polyamory, I tackled it like I tackle everything else: head on, deeply and almost entirely through an intellectual filter. I read, I watched, I analyzed, I reasoned, I understood. I was prepared for anything. At least that’s what I thought.

Although my journey of designing a relationship I can thrive in has been full of twists and turns, my relationships with my metamours stand out as the most unexpected.

I have been incredibly fortunate with my partners’ partners. Most of them have been amazing additions to my life. I got to share incredible highs with and toughest lows with them. I was in the wedding party when my partner and his wife got married. I got to celebrate my metamour’s very special day with her. I was also there at the hospital when another metamour had to make the toughest decision of turning off her mum’s life support system.

They have also been there for me. They helped me to grow and heal. I experienced truly conscious connections, camaraderie, respect, loyalty and love in these unique relationships.

I realize these are my experiences based on my needs and decisions when it comes to these relationships. Not only do they not represent all my metamour relationships, they are also not prescriptive.

There are no models or a rule book for these relationships. In fact, society and most cultures tell us to expect competition, threat, conflict, hurt and heartbreak when two people love the same person. Understandably, we may find ourselves in these negative spaces but whether you chose to have a close relationship with your partner(s)’ partner(s) or not, there is a lot to be gained from seeing the individual they are, respecting and honoring their existence in your life and remain open minded to all the possibilities.

What has your experience been with your metamours?

PS. Join Sex Ed A Go Go’s Dirty Lola, Loving without Boundaries’ Kitty Chambliss and me at this month’s Curious Fox Social as we discuss metamours. Details in the comments.