I would never have thought my lover’s lover would end up being one of my best friends. I would never have thought the woman with whom I shared a partner would be a huge source of healing and comfort. I would never have thought I would be planning on co-caring for a puppy with my partner’s wife.
This month at the Curious Fox Social we tackled the multifaceted relationships of metamours. A metamour is your lover’s lover, your partner’s partner, your husband’s boyfriend, your girlfriend’s husband. It’s “the other” in a non-monogamous relationship.
When I discovered polyamory, I tackled it like I tackle everything else: head-on, deeply and almost entirely through an intellectual filter. I read, I watched, I analyzed, I reasoned, I understood. I was prepared for anything. At least that’s what I thought.
Although my journey to design relationships which I can thrive in has been full of twists and turns, my relationships with my metamours stand out as the most unexpected. And this was echoed by the panelists this month.
Ambyr D’Amato, a polyamorous wedding planner who works with people in non-traditional relationships, shared that she didn’t even know the word when she stumbled into her first poly relationship. With an education at an all girls’ boarding school and wholehearted subscription to the “girl code,” she embraced her relationship with her metamour. Unfortunately she was met with reluctance. Her story is one of warm perseverance for connection.
Podcaster and sex edutainer Lola also hadn’t thought about this particular relationship and now, almost at the end of her divorce process, reflects on the hardship she experienced with her metamour. Despite this negative outcome, she notes in her metamour from her newest relationship is someone who is supporting her as she heals from this experience.
Kitty Chambliss, author of the Jealousy Survival Guide and the creator of the Loving Without Boundaries blog and podcast, who lives with her two partners told how her initial experience of a metamour relationship was in fact a transition from a friendship. Kitty shared stories of living with her two partners who are navigating through their metamour relationship, as well as the long road is has been to build a rapport with one of her partner’s reluctant wife. The current healthy dynamics of these relationships is a testament to the intention and hard work she dedicated to them.
I have been incredibly fortunate with my partners’ partners. Most of them have been amazing additions to my life. I got to share incredible highs and toughest lows with them. I was in the wedding party when my partner and his wife got married; and got to celebrate my metamour’s very special day with her. I was also there at the hospital when another metamour had to make the tough decision of turning off her mum’s life support system.
They have also been there for me. They have helped me to grow and heal. I experienced truly conscious connections, camaraderie, respect, loyalty, and love in these unique relationships.
I realize these are my experiences based on my needs and decisions when it comes to these relationships. Not only do they not represent all my metamour relationships, but they are also not prescriptive.
There are no models or rule books for these relationships. In fact, society and most cultures tell us to expect competition, threat, conflict, hurt and heartbreak when two people love the same person. Understandably, we may find ourselves in these negative spaces but whether you chose to have a close relationship with your partner(s)’ partner(s) or not, there is a lot to be gained from seeing the individual that they are, respecting and honoring their existence in your life and remaining open-minded to all the possibilities.
Check out the podcast and explore your curiosity around the metamour relationship.