What is Compersion?
Illustration by @cozcon
Compersion is a term used in non-monogamy to describe the joy that is felt by someone when their partner is enjoying another connection, interaction, or relationship. Although it’s thought that the Kerista Commune originally coined the concept of compersion in San Francisco in the 1950s, the feeling itself is as old as humankind.
Finding compersion may seem like an impossible feeling for some people. Feeling joy because your partner is having an intense connection with someone else? Feeling joy because your partner had awesome sex with someone else? Feeling joy because your partner just came back from a date with someone else and is ecstatic about it? Crazy, right? Well, maybe not as crazy as you think.
COMPERSION IS AN OLD CONCEPT
For one thing, the feeling itself is not isolated to non-monogamy or romantic relationships. We have all felt that burst of joy for a friend who finally got their dream job or for a family member who looks radiant on their wedding day. We know what that feels like. The question is, can it be achieved in situations where jealousy may arise.
This idea of pure joy, unadulterated by self-interest, is not something non-monogamous people invented. In Sanskrit, it’s called Mudita; the English translation of which is “sympathetic joy.” For Buddhists, it is one of the four virtues - also known as the four immeasurables. In Buddhism, as well as in its more contemporary iteration, compersion is often mentioned as the opposite of jealousy and envy. It’s also regarded as the most difficult virtue to cultivate.
It can also be thought of as an accompaniment to jealousy, though it may be more helpful to consider compersion as a counterbalance to jealous feelings. It can be a tool to help us deconstruct our preconceived notions of what we “should'' feel when our partner is with someone else, and question the norms that often dictate how we show up in relationships.
REAL-WORLD EXAMPLES OF COMPERSION
On an episode of the Curious Fox Podcast, Compersion and Jealousy (LIVE) (Revisted), we sat down with a panel of real people to hear their honest stories about experiencing compersion, each more unique than the other.
Listening to real-world examples for - what feels like - an elusive emotion can uncover ways in which this feeling might reveal itself in our lives.
In the episode, one panelist described that their road to compersion came by way of voyeurism. While watching their partner(s) engage in sex with other people, they began to feel twinges of compersion. Through this experience, they were able to slowly peel apart the ways in which they felt and wanted to feel (e.g., aroused, joyful, grateful) vs. the ways in which they thought they “should” feel (e.g., jealous, angry, hurt).
Another panelist discussed how compersion was role modeled to them by a metamor (her lover’s primary partner); who texted her with joyful well wishes on her way to visit her new lover.
A third panelist shared how he has leaned into compersion by finding joy in the things and people that bring his wife joy.
In each story, the panelists revealed that compersion is something that they actively work on and try to cultivate within their relationships.
ONE GATEWAY TO COMPERSION... COMMUNICATION
Compersion is not easy to cultivate and can be especially difficult when we feel our needs are not being met. The answer lies in productive communication. Whether your unmet needs stem from your partner being enthralled in new relationship energy with their new crush, less time with your partner(s) because of scheduling, or something else, the most important thing to do is to name it.
When we listen, make space for, and acknowledge our experience and feelings, often some of our hurt can go away without there ever being a need to “fix” it. Similarly, by naming our jealousy and envy, we can create space for compersion to emerge.
By identifying the things that we want from our partner(s) or relationship(s), we can address the barriers to our joy head on, instead of stewing in our feelings of jealousy and envy. For some, that may mean naming that they want some of the creativity, generosity, and romance that their partner’s are giving to their new lovers. For others, like one panelist, the request can be much more specific: they wanted a ride to the airport. In any case, by communicating about our feelings and discussing how to address those feelings and meet those needs, the jealousy and envy that we feel towards others may eventually be replaced by joy and compersion since we no longer see their experience from a viewpoint of what we don’t have and what we are not getting.
IT TAKES TIME
Compersion is one of the most googled words in the non-monogamous lexicon. Though this term has a new found popularity, humans have been working to cultivate this feeling for centuries. That said, it takes time, so be patient with yourself.
You may feel genuine joy one day hearing about your partner’s date with someone else, and feel triggered, jealous, and afraid the next. By continuing to be honest about your feelings with yourself and your partner(s), you can elevate some of the shame, secrecy, and internal-pressure that you may be feeling, and that lightness - over time - may translate to feelings of abundance over scarcity and compersion over jealousy.
You can find the panel discussion on compersion as well as dozens of other stories on love, sex, and relationships via Curious Fox Podcast, on Apple, Spotify, Google Play, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Curious Fox is not and will never be the final word on any topic. We solely aim to encourage curiosity and provide a space for exploration through connection and story. Listen with an open and curious mind, and let us know what takeaways you receive from the discussion.
Illustration by @cozcon
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