What’s Your Relationship Design?
Artwork by the talented @cozcon
Before building a “Relationship by Design” the first step is to figure out – you guessed it – your preferred design! There are so many to be explored and an infinite number of ways to individually tailor to your needs. We sat down with a panel that represented different relationship structures all across the board. The panel featured two members of a polycule (a network of polyamorous partners), a relationship anarchist, and two examples of college sweethearts who married young with ultimately diverging paths.
One of those married couples started as monogamous and opened up their relationship, while the other couple transitioned from casual swinging to monogamy. How did they arrive at those decisions? There was one common thread in their stories: open communication lines. The now open couple used to discuss fantasies and hypotheticals (and as a bonding activity read the entirety of The Guide To Getting It On). In their words, they crafted a “theoretical hall pass.” They realized through ongoing conversations that they could make these fantasies a reality, which led to their exploration of alternative relationships. They now find it natural to interact with metamours (a partner’s partner) and become integrated into the surrounding community.
The reversed version of that story is told by the now monogamous couple. They began their relationship with an exploratory mindset in an alternative-oriented community, excited for a wide breadth of experiences at parties. They communicated about their wants and desires, wishing for the other to be happy. After a year and a half, they felt these outside connections were starting to feel forced. They eventually realized they didn’t enjoy swingerhood as much as they thought they would, and instead, developed a fetish for monogamous “normcore.” They both converged on their new relationship structure: “monogamy is a kink and life is a roleplay.”
Many other custom-crafted relationship designs were discussed. One panelist had dipped her toes into many lifestyles, including polyamory, swinging, and a closed triad, and eventually landed at relationship anarchy. While polyamory is centered around the idea of loving more than one person (those relationships including love, sex, or both), relationship anarchy recognizes that each relationship can be celebrated on its own. It attempts to remove expectations and boxes and defies the prescribed hierarchy of relationships like being “more than friends.” While polyamory is a relationship structure, relationship anarchy is more of a philosophy that moves away from labels. At the same time, with more structured relationships like polyamory and even monogamy, labels can only take you so far. As Effy pointed out, “Labels get you on the same page. A conversation gets you on the same paragraph.”
Relevant to communication and labels, while discovering your relationship design, it’s important to try to “date your species” (coined by Reid Mihalko). Certain mainstream assumptions – like that love is scarce rather than abundant and that relationships should escalate in prescribed ways – can be prevalent in the dating pool. Figure out which values and ideals are important to you and communicate those. This also goes for agreements within the design. If you are solo poly (multiple relationships without a nesting partner), convey that to potential partners. If you prefer Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (an open relationship without sharing details), be sure the boundaries are clear and that potential partners are comfortable with the structure. Everyone has different comfort levels with communication, metamour relations, time commitments, and all of these other variables that shape our relationship design.
These are just a few of the relationship designs out there to inspire your exploration.
Stay curious and discover which one is right for you!
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