Examining Power Dynamics for Thriving Relationships
As a global community, we are confronting oppressive systems of race, class, gender identity, ability, and sexual orientation. We are curious: As we fight in the streets and in our minds to overcome these archaic systems, is this moment also an invitation for us to challenge the narrative that we have been prescribed around love, sex, and relationships?
To find and fight systems of power and privilege, we need look no further than our own homes. Inherent in our romantic relationships are centuries-old power dynamics that play themselves out in both obvious and insidious ways. Everything from money to domestic duties to childcare responsibilities to sexual desires are entwined with prescribed gender, orientation, socioeconomic, cultural, and religious identity and roles.
Since birth we have been spoonfed our current relationship dogma, however, we have the ability to challenge the roles we have been assigned; recognize the power and privilege we may wield, and design connections and relationships rooted in our values of anti-oppression and equity.
On episode 30, The Non-Monogamy Paradigm Shift: Challenging the Frameworks that Limit and Oppress, Angie Gunn, LCSW CST, shares ideas to consider as you challenge old paradigms and build new - healthier - approaches to love, sex, and relationships.
Power Dynamics are Build Into Our Relationships: The History of Monogamy and Marriage
Pair-bonding to raise children is as old as humanity itself. With the rise of agriculture around 10,000 years ago, formalizing relationships in the form of marriage as an institution was introduced as a way to ensure rights to land and property through bloodlines.
As civilizations got more complex, marriage became an institution governed by religion and civil authorities. Although marriage quickly became the defining structure of contemporary society, it was neither rooted in monogamy, nor love. It was about politics, power, and possession. Who’s in line for the throne? Who gets what land? Who has influence that you can align with?
From harems to “brother-making,” many ancient civilizations allowed and even promoted some form of multiple spouses. Similarly, marriage between same sexes was also commonplace, as first recorded in ancient Rome.
With the rise of Christianity, marriage evolved yet again to a heteronormative, monogamous structure we are more familiar with today. However, it was still very much a structural agreement often concocted by family, church, and local leaders in the form of arranged marriages.
The most current iteration of marriage as a monogamous relationship structure, as the union of two people for love, companionship, and self-actualization was introduced around the Enlightenment - barely a couple of centuries ago. Even though we might refer to them as “traditional,” in the grand scheme of human civilization, these somewhat insular, romantic, dyadic relationships have been around for only a heartbeat.
Although today we might believe marriage for love is universal and ancient, in fact, marriage is a state and faith sanctioned power dynamics that have taken many forms and been shaped by societies to meet the financial, social, and political needs of the day. Whether you are married, intend to be, or choose not to marry, this history of relational structure and power impacts how we all see partnership today.
We All Have Varying Levels of Privilege and Power
While we live and love within inequitable systems, we are not all impacted in the same way. Just as the fish do not recognize that they are submerged in water, those of us for which the system is designed may not always recognize our privilege. On the other hand, just ask a left-handed person what it’s like to navigate in a world that is not designed for them.
Whether we are unaware of it or crushed by it, we all have varying levels of privilege and power in life and in our relationships; be it our gender presentation, race, socioeconomic background, education level, immigration status, ability, etc. In recognizing these dynamics, we have the ability to challenge these oppressive paradigms within our homes.
This kind of reflection and acknowledgment of our power can be difficult, especially for the “fish.” A good place to start is the Intersecting Axis of Privilege, Domination, and Oppression. Using this axis, we can identify where we and our partner(s) may fall on the spectrum of privilege within many of the areas that are used to empower and disempower.
An exercise that may help humanize this axis and help you figure out your points of privilege is to identify the areas that make up your identity (e.g., gender-identity, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, age, race, skin color, education-level, etc.) and then imagine what it would be like to be on the opposite end of that spectrum.
If you are a cisgender person, imagine what it would be like to navigate through the dating world as someone who is trans or non-binary.
If you identify as male, imagine what it would be like to be someone who identifies as female who is trying to navigate parenthood.
If you are a light-skinned person, imagine what it would be like to be a darker-skinned person navigating personal safety and stereotypes.
If you are an able bodied person, imagine what it would be like to be a differently-abled person navigating sexuality.
If during this exercise you feel fear, concern or discomfort around what your experience might be on the other side, then chances are you have identified a point of privilege.
Escaping Old Paradigms Starts Inside of Yourself
Once we have acknowledged our power, the next step is to understand if or how we may be wielding that power within our relationship(s). These power-dynamics may not be as straightforward as oppressing someone due to their race or gender-identity. Likely, the use of power within a relationship may be connected to more subtle forms of privilege. For example:
If you are hetrosexual and dismiss your bi or pansexual partner’s desire to connect with someone with another gender-identity.
If you come from an upper-middle class background and make fun of or become frustrated with your partner (who grew up in a working-class/ poor household) for being frugal or choosing to cook vs. order out.
If you are neurotypical and berate your partner (who may be neurodivergent) for struggling to focus during an important discussion or argument.
Additionally, we may wield power within our relationship(s) in an effort to avoid discomfort, manage our fears and insecurities, and maintain power within our relationship(s).
As a result of the consistent messages from media, religion, politics and culture, we have ingested several damaging narratives about relationships:
we need someone else to complete us
our partner’s interest in another is a reflection on our inability to meet their needs
our anxiety and discomfort is an excuse to control our partner’s behaviors
being in a bad relationship is better than being alone
These narratives trigger our egos and fuel our insecurities. As opposed to managing our fears through our relationship(s), true growth and healing comes when we listen to and have empathy for our fears around scarcity, abandonment, loneliness, and not being enough.
When our fears and insecurities are activated, we are more likely to lean into our areas of power and privilege to exercise control.
Reflect on the areas in your relationship(s) where you may be wielding power or control:
Have you created rules - disguised as boundaries or agreements - that limit what your partner(s) can do in order for you to avoid your discomfort?
Have you asked your partner(s) to agree to lifelong fidelity and commitment to avoid being alone, even at the expense of your or their growth?
Have you leveraged “couple’s privilege” to try to protect your relationship with your partner, at the expense of someone else’s experience?
Do you have expectations around how your partner(s) “should” behave based on your personal identity, needs, or abilities?
Have you unconsciously introduced monogamous, heteronormative power dynamics into your relationship, leaving someone with less of a voice or less personal autonomy?
Take the time to excavate the origins of these behaviors and requests. Are you leveraging your power to control your relationship or your partner(s) in order to avoid pain and discomfort? What fears and insecurities will you have to address in order to let go of control and create more space for growth?
Understanding how your privilege shows up in your relationship(s) is an important step in addressing any power-dynamics at home. Engage in a conversation with your partner(s) to share your realizations around privilege and to ask them about their experience with power in the world and within your relationship. Understanding their experience can open the door to deeper connection and to more intentional equity within your relationship(s).
Design a Relationship Based on Values Instead of Dogma
Instead of acquiescing to the default paradigms inherent in the relationship constructs prescribed to you, choose to codesign a relationship structure that enables you and your partner(s) to thrive.
Identify the values that are core to you and your partner(s) and build a relationship framework atop the foundation of those values.
If you are looking for a starting point, consider these values authored by Phoenyx Enterprising:
equity and consent are paramount; oppression and power dynamics are named and addressed with an intersectional lens
autonomy and personal well-being is anchored in self-awareness and clear communication of wants and needs
assumptions and expectations are addressed continuously
a whole-person perspective; all the parts of you, including your feelings, are able to thrive, with an acceptance of boundaries and personal responsibility
awareness of trauma and attachment’s impact, as well as the intergenerational and cultural imprint
organic and intentional non-linear growth and change is likely and celebrated
agreements are mutual, flexible, and ongoing; if an agreement is not up for renegotiation, then it is not an agreement
growth through conflict is possible and encouraged
love is non-competitive or comparison-driven; it is infinite and abundant
equal space to choose, choose one another, choose the structure and dynamic you want
sex/ connection is a gift, freely given and shared
NRE does not usurp boundaries and agreements
relationships take trust and self-worth more than any other skill sets; how your partner feels about you cannot replace how you feel about yourself
Only when we examine and acknowledge our privilege and power, will we have the freedom to design conscious relationships anchored in a value system of our choosing rather than succumb to the systems and dynamics that are chosen for us and uncompromisingly pushed upon us.
It is not to say that this is easy. Recognizing, acknowledging, and communicating your privilege and power takes courage, vulnerability, and self-empathy. It requires a willingness to choose what is right vs. what is convenient or comfortable. It calls us to really see those around us and to consider how our words and behaviors may oppress or empower. It may feel as if it takes near ninja-level skills to achieve this level of social justice and relationship nirvana. And if we desire to live in a world, a country, and a home free of oppression; if we desire to engage in a relationship rooted in love and growth; and if we are committed to living with personal integrity, humility, grace, and kindness - then this is our invitation to challenge the status quo and choose to a new path.
Artwork by Reesa
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