Re-Entering the Dating Pool with a New Set of Standards
Artwork by @alvarocastrodesign
Hey reader! If you’re in the dating pool, I want you to answer this question: What are you looking for? What kinds of folks are you seeking to connect with?
If your quick response involved a list of traits resembling your Monday to-do list, or if you answered, “I’m not sure…” this article is for you.
Because I’m here to tell y’all that I think everyone is approaches dating standards all wrong. Curious? Read on.
A New Look at Old Standards
What we’ve traditionally been taught about standards and what we should be looking for is primarily inherited and pretty messed up. Think about it, when we tell a family member or friend that we’ve met someone new or that we’re going out with someone, they ask, “What do they do?” or worse, “What do they look like?” No wonder our standards are backwards! We’ve been brought up in a society where we are taught to have a mental image of what we want. To be clear on our type *cue eye roll here*.
We change this by moving our focus away from objective descriptions to (1) how we feel in someone’s presence, (2) how we feel about ourselves in someone’s presence, (3) and how we hope to have others feel around us.
That’s it. These three ideas encompass your new set of standards: “Feelings Based Standards.”
Let’s dive in.
Part 1: How do you want to feel in someone else’s presence?
When we enter into the dating world, we should know how we want to feel in the presence of others. We don’t need a mental image. We just need a grasp on our subjective ideals.
You can get a sense of how you hope to feel in someone else’s presence by reflecting on past relationships; what was missing? What did you want more of? Or you can use your checklist (if you’re working with one) to dig deeper. For example, how do you think you’ll feel being with someone who is tall? Who or what taught you to look for someone tall in the first place?
When we allow arbitrary check boxes to dictate our dating lives, that’s when we hear folks say, “They’re great on paper, I just feel like something’s missing” or “They check all the boxes, I’m just not feeling it.” The key here is to start with feelings first. Because if we aren’t feeling the way we want to feel in someone else’s presence, what’s the point?
So much of “type” and so much of what we’re looking for is taught. It’s what we see in media. It’s what’s passed down through religious beliefs. It’s based on what we think we should be looking for consciously or unconsciously. Pinging traits back to feelings is how we subvert body hierarchy. It’s how we unearth preferences that are true to us.
When I get ready to hang out with someone new, I go in knowing how I want to feel around them AND I never actually expect that from a first date. Instead, I keep those feelings based words in my back pocket, and if I’m feeling the way I want to feel, my ears perk up. I lean in. I want to see them again. We go on a second date if that’s what’s aligned for us.
Part 2: How do you hope to feel about yourself in someone else’s presence?
If you want to be with someone who, in their presence, you feel like you can conquer the world, or that you have a really interesting contribution to make, the key here is to practice seeing yourself that way first! When we do this, we’ll be able to notice if we’re spending time with folks who are supporting our vision of ourselves or who are subtly trying to bring us down a peg.
This becomes like holding up a mirror. If we're able to see ourselves and talk to ourselves the way we want other people to talk to us, then we notice really easily, whether someone is treating us with the same respect and attention that we already treat ourselves.
Part 3: How is it you hope to have others feel in your presence?
We can’t make anyone feel anything, but what is it we hope to make space for?
The key here is to treat people inspired by how you hope they feel around you from the very beginning. This can influence how you DM a stranger, how you approach someone in person, how you treat someone on a first date. Having a handle on how you hope folks feel around you, anchors you into your integrity. It keeps you treating people in a way that’s aligned for you, regardless of the particular date’s outcome.
Focus on the Experience
Dating involves treating others in a way inspired by how we hope they feel around us, all while calibrating what’s going on inside our own bodies - how we feel around them. Hoping the other person, or people, are also calibrating what’s going on in their own bodies, how they feel. When those experiences align, that’s when we see each other again.
And yet, successful dating is not about securing second dates. It’s not even about “finding your person.” It’s about allowing these experiences to affect you. To learn. To tweak how you’re putting yourself out there. To show up in a way that is totally aligned with who you are. To impress yourself with how you are growing, and to practice kindness.
In this way, we can focus less on check boxes and more on checking in with ourselves. We can focus on how dating enhances our lives, not how that *one person* will.
To learn more about Ariella, follow her on social media @queerdatingcoach, or on her website: queerdatingcoach.com
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Curious Fox @wearecuriousfoxes
Effy Blue @coacheffyblue
Jacqueline Misla @jacquelinemisla
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Still Curious?
