How Do Our Attachment Patterns Impact Our Sexual Experiences?
Attachment patterns are the way in which our sense of wholeness and safety are affected by the relationships in our lives. Based on our relationships with our caregivers and the traumas (perceived stressors that impact our sense of emotional or physical safety) we experience, we each develop patterns of behavior in an effort to regain a perceived sense of safety. Some of these patterns may be healthy and secure (like finding wholeness and security within ourselves or developing community connections) and some may be maladaptive and insecure (like clinging to or avoiding those we are in a relationship with).
In episode 24, Attachment Patterning and Sexual Expression, the remarkable Angie Gunn, LCSW CST discussed the ways in which our attachment patterns show up in our sexual expression. She posed the questions: How do these attachment patterns impact our sexual experiences? And - more importantly - what can we do about it?
Understand the Connection Between Attachment and Sexuality
Our sense of wholeness and safety can impact how we experience pleasure and connection through sexual play. While there is not a direct causation between attachment patterns and sexual pleasure, many of us experience sexuality in the context of relationships, and as a result, those patterns may reveal themselves during our play (e.g., feeling detached, bodies shutting down, needing space directly afterward, needing more closeness, feeling unsafe, etc.). It is important to take note of the ways that patterns show up during play to begin building safe and secure environments that will lead to greater pleasure experiences.
Healing Starts with You
The first step towards having secure attachment patterns in your relationships and sexual experiences is to embark on a journey of healing within yourself. This journey begins with an awareness that while we may have developed particular patterns of behavior in response to a fear of rejection, overconsumption, or abandonment, these patterns are not fixed and we have the ability to move towards healthy ways of relating to ourselves and others with some practice. This work will look different for everyone, and working with a therapist or coach to help you develop awareness and strategies will provide a safe container in which you can explore, discover, and heal. And while the practice of healing, wholeness, and safety may take many forms - including therapy, meditation, body exploration, writing, community building, etc. - it is about developing strategies that help you connect to your needs and desires.
Recognize that Your Partners Likely Have Their Own Patterns
As you go through the process of understanding your patterns of behavior in response to fear or past trauma, understand that your partner(s) likely have their own patterns of behavior that they may need to work through. Creating safe space to discuss your relationship and sexual history, fears, needs, and desires will not only create a stronger emotional connection but will also improve your sexual connection. Having these conversations will also establish a stronger consent environment, and may help each of you pause, stop, or ask for connection in the midst of sexual intimacy.
Ask for Everything You Want, All of the Time, With No Expectations
Begin to practice communicating your needs and desires, without being fixated on a particular strategy or outcome. One suggestion that Angie gave is to communicate how you would like to feel (e.g., playful, submissive, sluty, emotionally connected, etc.) over asking for specific acts and co-create the experience to meets those needs. By communicating our desires vs pointing towards a specific sexual experience, we invite consensual, creative collaboration and open ourselves up to greater possibilities. This also means that we may need to get comfortable being told: “no, thank you.” And while this may feel like a rejection, it is important to appreciate your partner’s ability to share their needs, desires, and boundaries and to explore other ways for you to get your needs met on your own or through other sexual or non-sexual relationships.
Give Your Sexuality Its Own Freedom
Acknowledge that your sexuality and its expression can grow and flourish apart from your relationship(s) - be it through solo play or other partners - and help your partner(s) understand that it is not a reflection of them. Many of us have been led to believe that we are “too sexual”, “too greedy”, or “too needy” for wanting more or different from our current sexual experiences. Angie encourages us to stop thinking that we are too much, and instead reflect on our partner’s capacity to receive us. By working with yourself and your partner(s) to establish a sense of safety, boundaries, and consistency, you can decrease fear around your desire for sexual freedom and increase the chances that everyone’s needs get addressed. Some simple tips that Angie suggests: establishing and sticking to agreements, having consistent date nights, and inviting both connection and adventure into the playspace. By creating repetition, consistency, and clear agreements that are renegotiated as needed, you can develop a sense of safety that can heal old traumas and interrupt unhealthy attachment patterns.
To experience Angie Gunn’s workshop on attachment patterns and sexuality, visit our Patreon page. You can also listen to Angie’s interview on the Curious Fox Podcast on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts.
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