Jealousy: The What, The How, and The Why
Illustration by @alvarocastrodesign & @cris.valencia
Jealousy is one of the most common concerns for those entering into non-monogamy. What if I get jealous? What if my partner gets jealous? How can we open up and avoid jealousy?
The truth is that you will likely get jealous. But that is not a bad thing. We have been evolutionarily designed to feel alarmed when we think that our relationship is at risk. So instead of feeling concerned or guilty about feeling jealous, we invite you to get curious.
What is jealousy?
Jealousy is the umbrella term for a concoction of multiple feelings and emotions that are triggered when a significant relationship seems to be at risk by the interest of or for someone else. The formula for jealousy can vary for each individual and can be made up of a combination of anger, suspicion, pride, fear, judgment, humiliation, desperation, loneliness, anxiety, or insecurity.
Jealousy is distinct from envy, which is induced by a sense of lacking or having an unmet need - for example: someone has the body, the job, the car, or the house that you wish you had. Instead of thinking “I want what you have” which is envy, jealousy likely makes you think “you can’t have what is mine.”
Though it shows up differently for everyone, research shows that jealousy is a universal and shared human emotion; transcending time, region, culture, language, and religion.
Why do we get jealous?
Evolutionarily, pair bonds and communities were important for survival. Partnership meant protection, access to the resources that your partner secured, and someone to procreate with.
While we no longer think consciously in those terms, the threat that a partner may leave you for someone else or may have a stronger sexual connection or feelings for someone else can trigger that primal fear that you might lose a precious resource.
Do some people experience jealousy more than others?
While jealousy is thought to be largely universal, an individuals’ disposition for it, their life experience, circumstances, and the way they feel or react to it may differ greatly.
Those who have experienced infidelity are statistically more likely to react to jealous feelings, with anything from suspicion to anger. Similarly, those who were modeled unstable or insecure relationships in childhood, are more sensitive to jealousy.
Those with an insecure attachment style struggle with regulating their jealousy more than others. People with an anxious attachment style may have a strong external reaction – anywhere from vigilance to violence. While those with more of an avoidant attachment style may appear as if they are apathetic because the big emotion causes them to shut down and disassociate.
For some, jealousy can be a visceral feeling, for example: tightness in the chest and stomach, clamminess in the hands, and a shallowness in the breath. For others, jealousy may lead to irrational thinking or uncharacteristic behavior.
What can be done when jealousy feels like it has taken over?
Even if it may feel like jealousy is an all consuming emotion, we get to choose how we respond to it like any other emotion. Just as we don’t go around punching walls everytime we are angry, we don’t have to fly off the handle or shut down and disconnect everytime we feel jealous.
Anger feels powerful. Disconnection feels safe. Vulnerability feels raw. We may believe that we are in control of the situation when we are angry or able to protect ourselves when we shut down, while anger and disconnection leads to resentment while vulnerability leads to connection – which is ultimately what we are really seeking.
Cultivating curiosity about your personal formula of emotions that are making up your jealousy is a great start to understanding and processing your experience of it.
Instead of reacting from jealousy, if we can pause and do a self-inquiry about what mix of emotions are making up that jealous feeling, we can figure out how to address it and respond in a way that doesn’t result in making demands of our partner(s), ending a relationship, or acting in a way that we will regret later.
If we can pause before responding to the jealousy, and instead get do a self-inquiry about what mix of emotions are making up that jealous feeling, then we can figure out how to address it in a way that doesn’t result in making demands of our partner(s), ending a relationship, or acting in a way that we will regret later.
So, for example:
You may realize that your experience of jealousy in that moment is rooted in suspicion or fear because you have been cheated on in the past.
Or it’s being prompted by a feeling of humiliation of being ignored by your partner while they talk about or spend time with someone else.
Or it’s based on insecurity and the belief that if your partner connects with someone else that they will leave you.
Understanding the internal story that is prompting the emotions leading to jealousy will allow you to figure out how to address those feelings and emotions, and ultimately give you a roadmap to cultivating a sense of safety.
Is jealousy a me problem or a we problem?
Author of Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non Monogamy, Jessica Fern suggests starting with asking if “it’s a me problem or a we problem.”
When we experience jealousy, the expectation may be that the other person needs to do something about it. Essentially, your partner’s behavior is bad and needs to be stopped.
Chances are that your partner's behavior isn’t necessarily bad, but you are perceiving it as a threat to the connection you have.
This presents us an opportunity to get curious and explore the story, the belief or the observation that is evoking a lack of safety and security about the connection. If you find the source to be a me-problem, for example a belief that you are not good enough, you can choose to work on your self esteem. Or if you find that it’s a we-problem, for example you and your partner(s) haven’t been spending quality time together, you can communicate this to your partner(s) and together you can figure out how to spend more quality time to nurture a sense of safety and security within the relationship.
You can say “I feel [worried, angry, embarrassed, suspicious] when you [talk to other girls, look at pictures online from your ex, go out with your friends]. I think that I need to Y, and I would like to talk to you about Z.”
For example:
I worry that you are cheating on me whenever I see you texting on your phone. I realize that is because I was cheated on before, and I don’t want that to happen again. I am going to start paying more attention to the signs that you care about me and are faithful vs searching for evidence that you are cheating. And I am wondering if we can talk about how each of us define fidelity, cheating, and our relationship agreements so that I know that we are on the same page.
…
I feel embarrassed when we are out together, and you talk more with other people because I think that you are ignoring me. I realize that we spend a lot of time together, so when we go out it is our chance to catch up with other people, so I am going to work on being fully present and enjoying the conversations that I am in instead of paying attention to what you are doing. And I am wondering if we can check in with each other when we are out together and show some PDA so that I feel connected when we are out.
…
I sometimes feel scared when you start a new friendship with someone who is attractive, because I think that you are going to leave me for them. I realize that that insecurity is in my head, and I am going to focus more on reminding myself of all of the reasons that we are so good together. And I am wondering if you can share more words of affirmation and tell me how attractive I am every now and then so that I can be reminded that you still think I am sexy.
What if my partner is never jealous?
The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. We often see jealousy as bad, but believe that the complete absence of jealousy is worse.
Think about a time when you were going out looking extra sexy, or when you referenced an ex, or talking to a cute stranger at a party and your partner seemed unbothered.
If your partner got jealous, it would likely cause a fight – you might feel confined, limited, infantilized, or frustrated.
However, the fact that they did not get riled up or show any sign of jealousy can initiate the belief that they don’t care about you, they are no longer interested in you, or that they are engaging in infidelity.
It can be a lose-lose situation for our partners. Think about it like goldilocks jealousy. We want them to show just the right amount of possessiveness to validate their love, without going too far and ruining our day with their jealousy.
There’s a difference between not feeling jealous and not showing your feelings. Remember that people experience and demonstrate jealousy in different ways. If your partner is someone who avoids conflict, shuts down when they have big emotions, or internalizes instead of connecting when they are upset - it is likely that they are experiencing jealousy and are internalizing vs emoting the feeling.
Is jealousy a bad thing?
No.
Just like every other combination of emotions, jealousy is neither good nor bad. It simply is. What can be personally or relationally destructive is our response to jealousy.
Jealousy can be an invitation to get to know ourselves deeper. To explore what feelings are coming up and what pain or fear they represent. To talk with our partner(s) about our fears, concerns, and needs to address jealousy in a healthy way. And to recognize how important your relationship(s) is and reprioritized connection with your partner(s).
How can I learn to deal with my jealousy and feel safe in my relationship(s)?
Finding tools, learning skills, and practicing cultivating a sense of safety within will set you on your way to dealing with your jealousy.
A diverse support network and a like-minded community that provides a sense of belonging are the best ways to change the noise in your head and learn new behaviors.
That includes listening to podcasts like this and Curious Fox, reading books about different relationship constructs and techniques, talking to people outside of your circle about how they navigate things in their relationships, etc.
Talking to other people can create permission and inspiration to push back on what you have learned and open you up to new and healthier ways to address your emotions and respond to challenges in your relationship(s).
Illustration by @alvarocastrodesign
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