How Emotional Intelligence Enhances Erotic Wisdom
Emotional intelligence is a buzzword, heard everywhere from leadership books and TED Talks to relationship podcasts and parenting blog sites. We all want to be emotionally intelligent, though we may not actually know what that entails.
Erotic wisdom is a lesser known phrase; carrying with it an allure that we likely want to achieve even if we don’t quite know what it means.
In a Curious Fox Presents talk in the Virtual Curiosity Salon presented by Shadeen Frances, LMFT, she helped us tangle these concepts and understand how we can leverage emotional intelligence to enhance erotic wisdom.
Emotions are our reactions to the world around us
Emotions are the initial physiological reactions that happen at the subconscious level. Emotions are housed in the reptilian brain and have direct access to our nerve system. We truly feel our emotions viscerally in our bodies.
As we move through the world and have experiences, our bodies have a physical response to what we see, hear, think, and encounter. Some of these reactions are natural and instinctual, such as changes in heart rate or an urge to freeze, fight, or escape. These reactions can also be recognized through somatic experiences like nausea, trembling, sweating, pupil dilation, muscle tension, etc.
Our brains respond to both what’s happening around us (external stimuli) and what’s happening inside of us (internal stimuli). Our emotions are designed to arise in response to these stimuli by producing signals that help us get clear on what we need to be safe, sustain life, or reach our goals.
Although often we use the words “emotions” and “feelings” interchangeably, they are not the same scientifically or linguistically. There is certainly an overlap, however it’s in their distinction that we can gain a deeper understanding about ourselves. Our feelings are subjective interpretations of our emotions. While our body produces emotions subconsciously, feelings are our conscious way of making sense of, categorizing, or summarizing our emotions.
The distinction between the two is most noticeable when we answer the question, “How are you?” If we chose to answer using “emotion” words, we might reply with “I am happy/ angry/ jealous.” This is different than replaying with “feeling” words such as “I’m feeling good/ down/ overwhelmed.”
Essentially, feelings can be thought of as the labels or names that we give to our physiological emotional responses. These labels or names are influenced by our values, judgments, culture, and experiences. Similarly, these influences move us to gauge how appropriate or inappropriate it is to express our emotions. A good example is the phrase, “boys don’t cry.” Under the influence of this doctrine, male-identified folks may interpret sadness as anger, disappointment, or disinterest instead of feeling the emotion in a way that society may not deem as appropriate, such as sadness and crying.
Human nature is calibrated primarily to a sense of survival, and our emotions are yet another tool to ensure our survival.
Once our physiological needs are met (e.g., food, shelter, water), everything else is about connection - be it to the planet, one another, or most importantly to ourselves. Our emotions allow us to organize ourselves and figure out what we need, not only to survive but also to thrive. For example, anger is the emotion that lets us know that we need support; worry is the emotion that lets us know we don’t have the information we need to feel safe; jealousy is the emotion that lets us know that there is a gap or longing in our life.
Truly feeling our emotions and being aware of how we label our emotions through our feelings can help us move towards emotional intelligence.
Emotional Intelligence is our skillfulness in navigating our emotions
Emotional intelligence allows us to experience the impact of our emotions, and skillfully navigate them in order to feel more connected and better equipped to survive and thrive.
There are four components of emotional intelligence:
Perception: This is an awareness of our emotions. This might look like noticing nonverbal signals such as body language and facial expressions, listening to others, or noticing the tone of our thoughts.
Reasoning: This allows us to prioritize what we are paying attention to. Whatever we focus on grows in intensity and becomes “real” or important.
Understanding: This enables us to interpret why we feel the way we do, and also understand the emotional experiences of others. This often involves learning our triggers and also building our skills in empathy.
Management: This includes regulating the intensity of our emotions and responding in ways that help us meet our needs (and do not create undue harm).
The combination of perception, reasoning, understanding, and management enables us to build the capacity to be aware of, control, and express our emotions, as well as to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.
It is also this combination that leads to higher erotic wisdom.
emotions and feelings can lead to sex
In her talk, Shadeen defined sex as “any act that brings sensory pleasure,” suggesting that the goal of sex is pleasure with peak moments of satisfaction, such as an orgasm.
Sexual arousal (emotion) is a physiological response to our environment, be it internal or external. Desire (feeling) is the conscious meaning we make of our arousal. Each of these can lead to sex.
Imagine sex as a linear process. Motivated by external or internal stimuli, we move from emotions to feelings, to thoughts, to behaviors. Our emotions (arousal) come first, then our interpretation of those emotions result in feelings (desire). Our feelings impact our thoughts (attraction). And lastly, our thoughts motivate our behavior (sex).
When we are feeling unsafe, sad, or dissatisfied, we can imagine the worst. These thoughts can easily bleed into our behavior, resulting in avoiding our partners, arguing with them, or feeling sexually disinterested. When we feel safe, content, and satisfied, we tend to have a more positive outlook on life and our relationships and partners. This can translate to more affection, greater physical intimacy, and an increase in pleasure.
Increasing your emotional intelligence increases your erotic wisdom
While emotional intelligence is how we apply and skillfully navigate our emotions, erotic wisdom is how we embody and manifest what we know about ourselves as sexual beings.
As Shadeen described it, erotic wisdom is the aesthetics or physiological contemplation of sexual desire, sensuality, and romantic love. “Eroticism is the poetry of sex.”
Beyond sex, erotic wisdom is the embodiment of our sexual desires, fantasies, creative kink exploration, curious play, sexy vibes, and collaborative sexual encounters; rooted in the wisdom from experiences we have accumulated about ourselves and our pleasure. This level of erotic engagement and the increased pleasure that results from erotic wisdom is amplified by the power of emotional intelligence.
So how do we leverage our emotional intelligence to deepen our erotic wisdom? In her talk, Shadeen offered these prompts and tips:
Perception: How do you feel? Start with an awareness of your feelings. This might look like noticing nonverbal signals such as body language and facial expressions, listening to others, or noticing the tone of your thoughts.
Reasoning: What feelings do you want to center? Next is to prioritize what we pay attention to; whatever we focus on grows in intensity and becomes “real” or important.
Understanding: What do the feelings tell you? The emotions that we perceive can carry a wide variety of meanings. Step three is to interpret why we feel the ways we do, and also understand the emotional experiences of others. This often involves learning our triggers and also building skills in empathy.
Managing: What do you need? The ability to manage emotions effectively is a crucial part of emotional intelligence. We need to regulate the intensity of our emotions and respond in ways that help meet our needs and do not create undue harm.
Visioning: How do you want to feel? Identify how you would like to feel about sex, before sex, during sex, and after sex.
Clarifying: How much clarity can you get?
Context. Who will participate? Where will it happen? When will it happen?
Content. What will happen? How will it happen? What do you like? What do you want? What pleases you? How do you want to be satisfied?
Consent. Why will it happen? Why wouldn’t it happen? Do you want to? Are you receptive? Interested? Enthusiastic? How will you stop or change things?
Comfort. How is your body? Do you feel safe enough? Do you feel trusting enough? Do you feel ready? Do you have the necessary experience, skills, or support? How far can you be pushed, stretched, or edged?
Communication. Do you want or need to share? How? When? Where? Why? What do you want out of it? How do you want to be received?
Doing: What are you going to do? Create a plan to align your behaviors to your emotions, feelings, and thoughts.
Ready to feel really awake, charged, and sexually alive? Ready to get in tune with yourself? Ready to deepen your pleasure and erotic expression? Leverage emotional intelligence to amplify your erotic wisdom.
Illustration by: @alphachanneling
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