How to Pick a Therapist that Will Help You Thrive
Going to the dermatologist with a broken bone is not helpful. Nor is it helpful to go to your primary care physician and say “something hurts, can you fix it?” When it comes to our physical health we try to go to the right doctor for the right ailment, and provide the details needed to help us regain our health. So why do we treat our mental health differently?
In his blog post “Finding the Right Therapist for You Doesn’t Have to be a Nightmare!”, Dr. Thomas Whitfield explains people often sit in front of a new therapist and exclaim “I am not happy” with the anticipation that the therapist will know exactly what to do. Or they go to a therapist assuming that they all have the same education, background, and area of focus.
In episode 33, Finding The Right Therapist for All Lifestyles, Dr. Whitfield helped us address the two factors that get in the way of matching with the right therapist:
a lack of insight into what we want to work on to improve our current state
a lack of knowledge of different therapy modalities that are effective for different struggles
PINPOINT WHAT IS WRONG AND HOW YOU WANT TO ADDRESS IT
Dr. Whitfield suggests that the process begins with a phrase that is very familiar to Curious Foxes - Know Thyself. He recommends spending some time reflecting on your current situation and writing down what you’d like to be different about your life. Instead of stating “I want to be happier”, he encouraged us to think about what would make us happier: more financial resources, better intimate connections, a calmer environment, a deeper sense of purpose at work, etc.
Once we can make some sense of what is wrong or the area(s) in our life that we want to address, the next step is to accept that we likely cannot change the people who we believe are contributing to the problem or change external things that are outside of our control. Instead, he notes, there are only five options to address the problem:
Change the situation, problem solve
Change how you feel about the problem
Tolerate the problem better
Do nothing, stay miserable
Make it worse
Deciding how you want to approach the problem can guide you towards the right type of modality.
IDENTIFY THE THERAPEUTIC MODALITY THAT ALIGNS WITH YOUR NEEDS
Often when we think about therapy, we picture laying on a couch, talking about our mother’s, and going through a box of tissues. However there are many forms of therapy and many types of therapists. Understanding which modality most aligns with your needs will help you find the best match for you.
Some of the Common Therapeutic Modalities:
Psychodynamic (Psychoanalysis): Freudian talk therapy that focuses on bringing the subconscious to the conscious.
Good for: Exploring the connection with your childhood with your present.
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT): Focuses on the thoughts, feelings and behaviors triad as a reaction to a situation or an event and works towards change in either one of these.
Good for: All types of anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and milder traumas.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): Goal of ACT is to support people in having psychological flexibility and have a choice about where to direct their attention.
Good for: Learning to tolerate stress differently.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy: Learning to regulate one's emotions and increase stress tolerance.
Good for: Borderline Personality Disorder (high levels of stress and conflict in relationships)
Motivational Interviewing (MI): Focuses on change and increasing positive behaviors.
Good for: Quitting smoking, losing weight, getting closer with family members...
Couple’s/ Relationship Focus Therapies:
Solution Focused Therapy: Focused on how things can be different. Coming up with solutions and integrating them into daily life. (It can still be effective if one party is tentative about participating.)
Good for: Folks who are not getting along very well and need to come to a decision point.
Sensae Therapy: Essentially sex therapy, great for building intimacy between people in a relationship and who are interested in learning to touch one another.
Good for: Pain during sex, premature ejaculation, pleasure gap, etc.
Emotions Focused Therapy: Learning about the dynamics of one's relationship(s) with a focus on here and now and what’s going on with the emotions people are feeling as they interact with each other.
Good for: Understanding the source of the conflicts in the relationship and unpacking feelings
Imago Therapy: Focuses on mutual healing and requires all parties to be willing to participate and wholeheartedly commit to the work.
Good for: Couples who want to heal with one another in an effective way.
Trauma Focused Therapies:
Written Exposure Therapy (WET): Uses writing and discussion to process a trauma.
Good for: Healing from a single traumatic experience and for those who are not ready to talk about their experience yet (as the trauma is written and not discussed).
Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT): Helps people understand what’s going on when they think about the trauma. Uses the CBT model to uncover the stuck points.
Good for: People who have multiple or complex trauma (compounding traumatic experiences) and for those who have developed belief systems due to their trauma.
Prolonged Exposure Therapy (PET): Intense type of therapy that focuses on the trauma narrative and repeated exposure to the narrative.
Good for: Those who are healing from a single traumatic experience.
These are just a few of the many psychotherapeutic modalities that are available to help you process, move through, or heal from situations, experiences, or feelings. There are also somatic, movement, art, music, bioenergetic and other forms of non-talk focused therapies that can help your particular struggles.
WHAT MAKES A GOOD THERAPIST?
Uncomfortable therapy sessions are not necessarily an indication of a bad therapist. Often the subject matters discussed in therapy can be distressing. That said, if it is the therapist that is making you uncomfortable and not the issues you are exploring, then that is likely not the right therapist for you.
There are two ways of deciding if a therapist is the right fit. One is your own criteria. For example, do you need someone to be an avid listener and a gentle guide as you work through your issues or prefer someone who will be more involved and structured keeping you accountable to your goals? Determine the style and approach that most aligns with your personality and needs.
The other is general best practices. For example, being able to tell a therapist what your goals are, and them being able to hear it. It is important to ensure that there is an equal relationship; they may be the expert in their field but you are the expert in yourself. Consider if they have the ability to:
meet you where you are at and not push you in any direction you don’t want to go
remember the details of your story and the people in your life
help you discover what is the best path for you as opposed to telling you what you should want or do
provide a collaborative approach
track and communicate your progress.
hear you if you are dissatisfied with your experience and are willing to change direction or refer you to someone else
You will be investing time each month or week to meet with this person, and will be required to be honest and vulnerable in ways that you may not be with anyone else in your life. Finding someone who aligns with your style and needs can transform the experience from torturous to enlightening.
DO YOUR RESEARCH
Take the time to take a self-audit and get clear on the areas of your life that you would like to explore or improve. Document what ideas, scenarios, or experiences create pain or discomfort, and which of the five options can best address the problem.
Then research different types of therapeutic modalities to identify the right processes to address your needs. You can explore more than one modality, or try one and then evolve to another. For example, you can start with Psychodynamic (Psychoanalysis) to help you process and give language to you story, and then move to Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) to develop tools to help you change problematic feelings, thoughts, or behaviors that were associated with that story.
Lastly, take the time to research different therapists to identify someone who feels like the right fit. Make sure they have an understanding of your particular lifestyle, choices, and situation (e.g., sexual orientation, cultural background, relationship construct - non-monogamy, kink - faith-based practice, etc.). You may want to have an informational session with a therapist to see if there is synergy or go to a few sessions before deciding if you would like to commit.
Don’t be afraid to work with a student or intern therapist. This might not only allow you to find someone within your budget, you are likely to encounter someone who’s more engaged, caring, curious, and have more passion. Plus student and intern therapists are working under guidance and supervision of a licensed therapist, so they will be spending more time on your case as they review it with their supervisor.
Similarly don’t be afraid to connect with a therapist from a demographic that you are unsure of. A trustworthy male therapist can be unexpectedly reparative for a woman dealing with sexual abuse by a man.
With the right time and attention, you can find a therapist that can help you heal and thrive. It is an important investment in your health and your wellbeing.
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