Metamours: One Poly-Relationship You Might Not Be Thinking About

When I discovered polyamory, I tackled it like I tackle everything else: head-on, deeply and almost entirely through an intellectual filter. I read I watched, I analyzed, I reasoned, I understood. I was prepared for anything. At least that’s what I thought.

I would never have thought my lover’s lover would end up being one of my best friends. I would never have thought the woman with whom I shared a partner would be a huge source of healing and comfort. I would never have thought I would be planning on co-caring for a puppy with my partner’s wife.

My studies failed to prepare me for the multifaceted relationships of metamours. A metamour is your lover’s lover, your partner’s partner, your husband’s boyfriend, your girlfriend’s husband. It’s “the other” in a non-monogamous relationship.

Although my journey to design relationships in which I can thrive has been full of twists and turns, my relationships with my metamours stand out as the most unexpected. 

I have been incredibly fortunate with my partners’ partners. Most of them have been amazing additions to my life. I got to share incredible highs and toughest lows with them. I was in the wedding party when my partner and his wife got married, and got to celebrate my metamour’s very special day with her. I was also there at the hospital when another metamour had to make the tough decision of turning off her mum’s life support system.

They have also been there for me. They have helped me to grow and heal. I experienced truly conscious connections, camaraderie, respect, loyalty, and love in these unique relationships.

I realize these are my experiences based on my needs and decisions when it comes to these relationships. Not only do they not represent all my metamour relationships, but they are also not prescriptive.

During our metamours peer panel, we heard stories of reluctance, finding support with a new metamour to heal from a negative metamour experience, and a transition from friends to metamours. Their stories are currently on our podcast.

By the end of the discussion we were sure of one thing, there are no models or rule books for these relationships. In fact, society and most cultures tell us to expect competition, threat, conflict, hurt and heartbreak when two people love the same person. Understandably, we may find ourselves in these negative spaces, but whether you chose to have a close relationship with your partner(s)’ partner(s) or not, there is a lot to be gained from seeing the individual that they are, respecting and honoring their existence in your life and remaining open-minded to all the possibilities.

Curious Fox Tales are not and will never be the final word on any topic. We solely aim to encourage curiosity and provide a space for exploration through connection and story.

Listen to the podcast of the panel discussion via Curious Fox Podcast, on Apple, Spotify, Google Play, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Listen with an open and curious mind, and let us know what takeaways you receive from the discussion.

Enjoy the episode and stay curious!

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