Metamours and Me: A Study of this Uniquely Poly Relationship
The term metamour is poly lingo for your partner’s partner. This could refer to a serious relationship or something much more casual.
On episode 82, Metamours (Your Lover’s Lover), we sat down with a panel representing a diverse range of metamour relationships. Two metamour panelists were friendly with each other from the beginning and have since evolved into best friends who live in the same apartment building with their shared partner. One panelist has never had a friendship with a serious metamour, despite wanting one, and currently navigates a “don’t ask don’t tell” configuration (the metamour requests not to know about outside relationships). The last panelist has a somewhat contentious relationship with their metamour because they aren’t compatible as friends, but both have consciously carved out open communication lines and get along well in group settings. The audience asked the panelists questions that spanned the entire spectrum of metamour experiences, and they boiled down to these main themes:
How do I know if I want to meet my metamour?
Know yourself and what you need. There are some people – for instance, people who practice “don’t ask don’t tell” – who prefer not to allocate the headspace needed for meeting metamours. The emotional work would outweigh the benefits. On the opposite end, there are people who invent stories about their metamour like a monster under the bed, and they need to meet them to humanize them and help them manage the relationship structure. Pay attention to how you feel; if you aren’t sure, take baby steps and have a support network in place to help you process.
How do I balance my needs with everyone else’s?
Whether it’s your partner, your metamour, your family, your boss…. there are always going to be lots of people’s needs orbiting around you that you have to balance with yours. However, we are not given a handbook on how to navigate a finite 3D world with infinite love, and that’s where it gets tricky with metamours. What do you do if you are in a growth mindset but are coming up against walls in your relationship? The panelists agreed that whenever they felt an oncoming unmet need, they voiced that to their partners in an understanding way to initiate the conversation. This opens a space for negotiation and understanding about where boundaries lie and how fixed or fluid those boundaries are. Sometimes they are rigid because of pre-existing relationship agreements, and in that case, the conversation resembles expectation management and troubleshooting in secondary relationships. Effy noted that when her partner needs alone time with their partner, she doesn’t take it personally. She realizes they are taking care of themselves, and it’s not a reflection on her relationship. In the bigger picture, generosity and kindness come around.
Is it possible to learn to like your metamour? What if you feel jealous or threatened?
Feelings of jealousy and insecurity are normal in non-monogamous relationships, and in order to address them, it’s important to take the shame out of it. Confronting these feelings is uncomfortable, but tackling them head on can strengthen your relationships. One panelist suggested approaching discomfort from a place of curiosity. Turn your feelings into questions. I am feeling jealous! I am feeling jealous? I am feeling? Me? Allow the thoughts to run their course to determine the root cause so you can address it. Effy notes: “If you resist, it will persist.” And even when you manage the negative feelings and humanize your metamour, and you STILL don’t like them… that’s okay! You don’t have to like your metamour to have a healthy non-monogamous relationship. You can figure out the capacity and contexts of your future interactions. If you think a metamour is dangerous for your partner, bring that up sincerely but gently. Throwing down your veto card to end a discussion can be jarring. Exercising your veto power by starting healthy communication about concerns and outside perspectives can be a huge benefit of non-monogamy.
How do you deal with new people entering the picture?
There are different stages when you can assess how a new relationship might fit into your current relationship structure. One panelist felt strongly about finding out if prospective partners were compersive (celebrating a partner’s other relationships) during the first date by talking about their partners and seeing how that was received. Another panelist said they like to introduce new partners to her polycule early. This acts as an “acid test” to see if they are compatible with the designed relationship structure, especially since her partners and metamours can see with unbiased eyes. One panelist said that they do sometimes have a hard time with their partner dating new people since the partner spends less time with them while building up new connections. This is fine and can be dealt with in a healthy way through frequent communication and expectation management.
How much should I manage the relationship between my partners?
When two people share a partner, it can be complex to bridge the gap and form a metamour friendship. The shared partner, or the vertex of the V, can be a good facilitator – especially in the beginning. For one panelist, the shared partner also helped bring up complex issues down the line and kept the metamours accountable to open communication. The extent of the middle-person’s involvement is up to the people in the relationship. It’s important to figure out what is right for you and to voice those inclinations to your partner as you discover them.
There were several common themes in the panelists’ and Foxes’ stories. First – communicate! Navigating metamour relationships is difficult, but it’s doable if you are responsible for yourself and for others around you. Remember that you have to put on your air mask before you serve others – make sure your needs are being met so that you can help sustain healthy relationships. There is also no right way to connect (or not) with your metamours. The idealized scenario portrayed throughout the polyamory literature is for everyone to be friends, but sometimes that isn’t appropriate or possible in different non-monogamous structures. There are infinite ways to design your relationship, so learn what you need and practice how to communicate those preferences. And above all, approach the process with the most helpful tool in your arsenal: your curiosity!
Still have questions? Visit our website, come to one of our events, check out the podcast, or find community on Facebook and Patreon. You do not need to figure this out on your own; stay find and connect a curious community of friends.
To hear more curious and courageous stories, subscribe to Curious Fox for free. Each week you will find more stories and lessons, as well as ways that you can explore your curiosity.