Poly From All Sides: A Gender Perspective

Artwork by the talented @muhammedsalah_

Have you ever wondered what polyamory is like for people of other genders? We sat down with a diverse panel of experienced non-monogamists and genders. We had a cis female and cis male engaged couple, trans woman Andi, and cis male Steve Dean, a professional dating consultant to companies as well as individuals.

What are some of the differences experienced by men, women, and everyone in-between?

The couple pointed out gender differences they experienced in jealousy. For example, she was fine with his sexcapades but found it harder to navigate his emotionally intimate picnic date. There are also mainstream gender differences in dating that can be applied: basic safety mechanisms must be in place for any kind of power differential, whether that’s a woman meeting a new man or a single person meeting a new couple.

The panel’s couple also noticed that he got hate mail on online dating platforms, while her mailbox blew up with suitors. The panelists agreed that these assumptions are common: non-monogamous men are players or cheaters, while non-monogamous women are promiscuous (whether that is a good or bad value judgment depends on the person). This mainstream perspective won’t disappear anytime soon, so a key boundary to consider is how much privacy you and your partners need about your chosen relationship structure. A good rule of thumb is to adopt the level of privacy of the lowest common denominator – whoever needs the most gets it. If you are unsure how you feel about disclosing details of your lifestyle, try practicing at safe spaces (i.e., events for non-monogamous people). It’s like role-playing, where you play yourself!

Despite different forms of resistance in “the wild,” the panelists agreed that the polyamorous community is so accepting and non-assuming that it creates a very safe space for fluid expression and experimentation. Labels invite a conversation rather than judgment. Rather than place people into designated buckets, non-monogamists have crossed that chasm and gender constructs erode quickly. When that happens, one can open themselves to bonds with metamours and become allies with people society would have normally pitted against them. Steve questioned, “Why does a woman have to ‘lose’ a man?” Why not be on both Team Edward AND Team Jacob?

Andi shared that polyamory made a huge difference in her gender exploration in several ways. First, the community encouraged her to explore her identity and provided social support. Second, the alternative relationship structure helped her develop her gender expression. The aforementioned monogamy-centric judgments arise because the structure of patriarchy is rooted in entitlement and ownership. When Andi deconstructed this model in relationship structures, doing the same for gender roles and identity was a natural step. Third, she is always learning about herself because each connection with a partner allows her to express her gender in a different way.

The takeaway from the panel was a simple but profound one. While we compare the dating woes on each side of the gender spectrum, discuss the erasure of trans and non-binary people, and list the assumptions made by the mainstream, it becomes clear where the gender differences arise. They actually only occur outside of the polyamory sphere, in a space where our society’s gender constructs create this paradigm. However, within the non-monogamous lifestyle and its communities, the stereotypes fly out the window to make room for open acceptance, self-discovery, and fluid transitions. So maybe all of us scattered across the spectrum have more in common than we think. Our gender differences aren’t so different after all.

Still have questions?  Visit our website, come to one of our events, check out the podcast, or find community on Facebook and Patreon. You do not need to figure this out on your own; stay find and connect a curious community of friends.

To hear more curious and courageous stories, subscribe to Curious Fox for free. Each week you will find more stories and lessons, as well as ways that you can explore your curiosity.