The First Step to Opening Up: Know Thyself

When it comes to relationships, who are you and what do you want? How does your past impact your present? How do you communicate your desires and needs?

In episode 27, First Step to Opening Up, Effy and Jacqueline discuss how opening up your relationship will turn stadium-sized floodlights onto your relationship. Exposing all of the worries, insecurities, and conflicts you’ve hidden in the dark. Connecting with yourself and acknowledging the parts that need some tidying up can bring you one step closer to designing a relationship you can thrive in.

So how do we begin the work?

Discover your emotions again.

Emotional literacy is the ability to understand and reflect on your emotional landscape. Mastering this skill will allow you to express how you feel in a way that can be better received by whomever you are communicating with. It is also important to be open to developing a broader understanding of how others communicate in an effort to understand what they are feeling at the moment.

This can be achieved through understanding your love language. We often find ourselves feeling most connected to our top two love languages but we challenge you to take a look at each and try to find a way to reach a multi-love-lingual place where you can find ways to express your love and receive love in many different ways. Take notice of what each of the love languages may look like for you and how you’d like them to be expressed. This way you can be clear with your partner(s) on the things that bring you joy and satisfaction. It’s our responsibility to make that apparent and clear, no one is a mind reader. 

Understanding your emotions can provide clarity on what you really want from an open relationship and give you some background on how you’d like those needs and desires to be met. 

Learn from your past.

Attachment styles are linked to our traumas. Trauma is anything that has made you feel like you were under threat. How we react to connection and our sense of safety; our attachment style directly affects our relationship dynamics. Allowing yourself the space to learn and grow is important. 

Your trauma can resurface during times of fear, stress, and uncertainty. Developing a clearer understanding of what that trauma is and how it emerges in our lives and relationships can help us navigate through the difficulties that occur during the process of opening up a relationship. Writing down your instances of past trauma in detail to become familiar with how it can appear in the present. If you have not had the opportunity to work to understand your traumas it’s important that you meet with a therapist specializing in trauma to help you recognize patterns and establish techniques to heal. Especially before you begin to open your relationship. 

Become familiar with your patterns. Oftentimes we react to a moment of discomfort within our relationship because insecurities linked to our trauma or past relationships will create a trigger that will lead to a reaction because we crafted a story of what was happening within our relationship. In moments of conflict, the goal is to respond, not react. Look back on previous moments of discomfort and recognize what triggered you to create the story that led to your reaction.

Understanding the difference between jealousy and envy can also make a difference in how you react. Jealousy is the fear of losing what you have. Envy is wanting what someone else has. Use previous instances to understand which emotion you were feeling. You can then find a way to emotionally regulate and audit yourself to find how they work or show up for you. Making resolution a bit easier.

Master communication.

What does an open relationship look like for you and why is it important? There are a myriad of relationship structures that we will explore. At Curious Fox, we believe in Relationship by Design, which emphasizes the importance of being clear on your expectations, needs, structures, and desires. It will make it easier for you to communicate your hopes with your partner and encourage them to do the same so there are no surprises once you are further in the process. 

Our communication is often stifled by the fear of conflict, lack of language, and lack of self-worth. We all communicate differently and need to allow space for learning and adjustment. Communicate about communication. Find tools to help with how you communicate with your partner(s). Non-violent communication is a wonderful tool to better understand different communication styles and how we can avoid conflict. Become aware of how your relationship with rejection and develop ways to move past the uncomfortableness that rejection often brings. Set goals for communication to allow space for confidence and security when discussing heavy topics such as non-monogamy or polyamory. The Multiamory Podcast discusses the communication trifecta which provides three different approaches to help direct the conversation. Bring up your goal at the beginning of your discussions and encourage your partner to do the same so the conversation doesn’t derail. Again, it is our responsibility to vocalize what we want in order to get what we want. Discuss your goal and how you’d like to communicate. 

Once you feel prepared to speak with your partner(s) it can also be helpful to create a schedule and space where you can have discussions. Think HALT. Are you hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? These may not be the ideal times to have heavy discussions because it can lead to you feeling triggered, impact the way you react to the conversation, or bring up other problems that are not relevant to the discussion at the moment. Meet those needs for yourself and make sure you’re in the right mindset for the conversation. Be intentional and schedule a time for the discussion to allow room for preparation, meditation, or whatever you may need to fully show up for your conversation. And lastly, it is okay to create conversation containers. Set a designated space for the conversation so that you and your partner(s) can revisit if the conversation does not feel complete or if you just need a moment to catch your breath, regroup, and analyze.

Effy Blue and Jacqueline Misla facilitated a workshop on getting to know yourself during the opening up process. If you are interested, you can catch the entire workshop over on our Patreon where the recording and exclusive self-reflection workbook will be posted soon. You can also listen to Effy and Jacqueline’s podcast episode about the importance of self-reflection the Curious Fox Podcast on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Still have questions?  Visit our website, come to one of our events, check out the podcast, or find community on Facebook and Patreon. You do not need to figure this out on your own; stay find and connect a curious community of friends.

To hear more curious and courageous stories, subscribe to Curious Fox for free. Each week you will find more stories and lessons, as well as ways that you can explore your curiosity.