The Power of Being with Grief & Pleasure in Our Bodies

Artwork by the talented: @safiabahmedschwartz

Grief unattended is a wily beast. Even when we think we’ve done the work, even when we think we’ve processed enough, it can show up with a vengeance.

In my experience, grief doesn’t just go away. It is in my body. And, I get to choose whether to ignore it or be with it.

Right now, we are grieving on a global scale. The coronavirus has changed our jobs, our daily routines, our families, the way we have our physical needs met, and so much more. The universe is making room for something new, and we are left with the grief.

We can choose to resist that grief and hope for a return to a pre-Covid normal. Or we can surrender to the grief. We can, as my teacher Arabella Champaq says, become friendly with it.

Becoming friendly with our grief

Becoming friendly with our grief does not mean we have to like it. It simply means that we welcome it and come into relationship with it.

Pushing it away, ignoring it, thinking it is processed does not mean that it is no longer there. When we choose to not be present with grief, pain, pleasure, or joy they don’t necessarily leave our bodies - they can be part of us.

As humans, we are very talented at distraction. We are masters of habit. So often we choose to ignore the parts of ourselves that are attached to painful thoughts and memories.

But what would it be like to choose something different, to be truly present with your grief - if only for a few minutes? What would it be like if you consciously chose to sit with your grief and simply witness it? 

Like any relationship in our external world, we need to be present with the parts of our inner selves as well. 

This practice to come into the body and locate the grief (is it in the heart, the throat, the left leg, etc.) and simply be with it can be transformative and life-changing.

And then, what would it be like if we invited pleasure into our bodies to be with that grief. 

Bringing pleasure and grief together

In my experience, many of us were not taught to explore grief and pleasure together. But what would it look like if you asked your grief how it would like to experience pleasure? What would happen if you asked your grief how it would like to be touched?

Pleasure is powerful in its ability to bring us deeper into our bodies. The gentle caress of a finger on my heart brings my full consciousness into that spot. It helps meld my physical, emotional, and energetic selves.

I have noticed that when I am able to be present with grief and pleasure together, I am more willing to let them expand. I am better equipped to understand the grief and what it wants.

I also find that my grief has its own desires. Like many relationships, sometimes just being present is enough, and sometimes the grief wants more. Sometimes it wants gentle touch, sometimes it wants an orgasm, sometimes it wants a massage with nice music. 

This is a practice to understand that pleasure and grief CAN be together. To understand the multitude of truths that are present in our body. To understand that our grief, while it may be huge, is not the whole of us.

We have all lost a lot and there is so much to grieve. But that is the way of our path.

If we are growing, if we are moving forward, we must acknowledge and become friendly with our grief. How can we love our joy if we do not love our grief equally? How can we make room for growth and exploration if we do not accept the grief that comes from loss?

Grief is such an important part of our journey. And we get to choose whether to resist it or to come closer into relationship. We get to choose suffering or contentment.

Adam Bee is a sacred intimate in New York City. You can find more information at https://adambee.com or on Instagram at @adambeenyc. 

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Artwork: @Safiabahmedschwartz