3 Critical Conversations for Your Relationship
We need to talk.
Sound like a familiar and anxiety-inducing statement? You're not alone. Communication is critical but often misunderstood in practice. In her blog post, Shanae Adams asks the real question: "What is communication?" We know that good communication is crucial to a successful relationship, however we are not given the script around how to have some of the tough conversations that come up with relationships.
In the episode Vet, Check, Split, Shanae gave us the communication strategies we can use within our relationship(s) - from inception to (if it happens) conclusion.
First, let’s start with some basics.
Ethical Non-Monogamy
While the communication strategies discussed herein will work for any relationship structure, it's valuable to determine how these relationship structures may differ.
There are innumerable ways to engage in romantic relationships. Among the few discussed in our conversation with Shanae were: stranger sex, random hookups, swinging, friends with benefits/situationships, relationship anarchy, and polyamory.
Any relationship structure can engage in Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM) and Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM), its defining characteristic is disclosure. The primary tenant of CNM/ ENM is that all parties are informed and aware and, therefore, able to make informed decisions based on their desire and preferences. In other words, if you're not sharing and being up-front, you're leaving out the consensual/ ethical part of non-monogamy.
Monogamy vs. Polyamory
In a monogamous relationship, one person is the source of our love, affection, and emotional capacity. Monogamy has roots in religion and has far-reaching societal impact and representation. There are often agreements around sexual and emotional fidelity in monogamous relationships, and when one party breaches the agreement, there are consequences to the relationship. A useful way to consider this is the 80/20 rule. We accept that 80% of our relationship needs are being met by one person and acknowledge that one person may not meet the other 20%.
In a polyamorous relationship, we find our love and affection from multiple sources. It's literally in the name, Poly meaning many and Amour meaning love. There is no standard playbook for poly relationships, and they are different for different people. Polyamory fills our cup and opens us to the possibility of meeting 100% of our relationship needs. Multiple partners can satisfy our multiple relationship needs. The common misconceptions we hear about polyamory is that jealousy must not exist. This is simply not true; human emotions still apply to poly folks.
Communication, in mono and poly relationships, helps us to identify and self-regulate feelings of jealousy before we act on them in harmful ways.
Is Non-Monogamy Right for You?
Relationship planning can be an overwhelming subject. Shanae provides us with a few traits that can help us to decide if non-monogamy is a good fit.
The People Person – Are you passionate about building relationships and making connections? Do your friends refer to you as a master networker? Do you enjoy sharing? Can you derive pleasure from those around you receiving pleasure?
The Communicator – Do you have a clear vision, and can you communicate it?
The Introspect – Can you handle challenging emotions? Do you adhere to the idea that your needs could be better served by the many than the one?
It can also help to imagine some of the ways in which most of us already engage in non-monogamy behaviors.
Do you have more than one parent or a family support system with many individuals?
Do you participate in the global economy?
Do you have multiple service providers, enjoy many restaurants/cuisines, or partake in different genres/styles/types of entertainment?
The Conversations of Non-Monogamy
Communication and conversation is something we’re often working on within ourselves, our partners, and our community of friends and loved ones. Before we get into our three conversations, it is important to name that conversations can be difficult. The steps below can help you craft a meaningful dialogue and are affectionately coined, “the sandwich method.”
The Sandwich Method
Soft Beginning – State a positive about the person and/or their contribution to the relationship.
Preparation for the Meat – Note that there is a particular behavior that has been observed that you would like to discuss.
The Meat – Share the observed behavior and how it may be in conflict with the values and behaviors that are important to the relationship.
Support for the Meat – Offer an example or evidence that illustrates the behavior. Invite them to talk about what triggers that behavior/reaction from them, and what support they may need to curb that behavior.
Soft Ending – Create a plan of action around how to work together on any of the triggers (if applicable), ways in which they can curb their behavior with authenticity, and how you will provide support and encouragement.
Vet | The Interview | The Beginning
Start by vetting yourself – Curious Foxes are ever familiar with the phrase Know Thyself. When we embark upon a new relationship or the possibility of a new relationship, we have an opportune moment to reflect inward and become again familiar with our needs, desires, and our reasons for engaging.
Ask first date questions – Don't be afraid to get deep here, people! Ask your date(s) what they want in a relationship. What style of non-monogamy do they practice? How many partners do they have? Do they have any kinks? And make sure, in turn, you honestly represent yourself and lay it all out there; if they don't accept, on to the next.
There is no script – Every vetting conversation is going to be different; just remember: you can ALWAYS ask more questions. This one conversation doesn't have to and shouldn't be the end-all-be-all. Even when we are in long term relationships, it is beneficial to continue the vetting conversation.
Check-In | The Review | In It
First, check-in with yourself – How are you showing up and participating in the relationship? What do you need that you aren't getting? These reflective moments allow us space for growth and make us better for ourselves and our partners.
Schedule – Be intentional about creating time and making space. Light a candle, put on a particular playlist, or mood lighting. Keep in mind as you prepare that check-ins are about finding out how our relationship is going. It's a time and space to talk about goals. It can be a time to air grievances but make sure you're not getting stuck in the trap of listing each time your partner has annoyed you that week. Keep small grievances to the moment and use this time to take a look at your relationship. When the conversation has concluded, contain the space, make it sacred. Blow out the candle, conclude by acknowledging the conversations had and the ones still to come.
Tips for mitigating anxiety around "Can we talk?"
Schedule the time. That way, each week/month/two months, there is intentional time set aside for check-in, and the phrase "Can we talk?" can be avoided altogether.
Make an agenda or itinerary that can be shared.
If you have multiple partners, schedule multiple check-ins with times that work for everyone. If there are multiple stakeholders in the relationship, like in a triad, make sure your scheduling time where all three partners can be together.
Split | The Exit Interview | The End
When a relationship ends, ask yourself, what have I learned? What do I want for the future? How do I want to feel in my next romantic endeavor?
Ask your partner(s) what they learned? How have I grown? What was your experience of being in a relationship with me?
Closure is a myth! The feelings you have about your relationship are your own. No amount of closure will change the fact that you must tackle and sit with them yourself. Sometimes the split conversation doesn't happen at all, or time and space are needed before it can. It's important to remember that there is something to learn from your feelings and growth to be gained regardless of incompleteness that may linger.
We did it, folks, we had the talk! And it wasn't so scary. With time, attention, and intention, we can create communication within our relationships that guides us through the lifespan and brings us personal growth.
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