When Your Truth Causes Them Pain

 

There is a lot of talk about being authentic and living in our truth, and not a lot of discussion about the cost of authenticity.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

When we decide to come out as queer, open our relationships, get a divorce, admit that we don’t want children, or do something else that is outside of the path people wanted or expected from us, it is really hard.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Our loved ones may experience fear, disappointment, anger, or pain. (And sometimes all of them all at once.)⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

No amount of “follow your truth” Instagram posts set to the backdrop of a person on a mountain top can prepare you for the reality of sitting in someone else’s pain; particularly when you know that you are the source of that pain, and when you do not have the option to “fix” it as living a lie is no longer an option for you.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

If you are on the journey to live in alignment with who you are, and the people around you are confused or hurting, I offer you these four lessons from my work:

YOU CANNOT FIX IT.

Our first instinct is to agree to change, make promises, offer bribes, or water down our reality in order to make things better for them. The fact is that things are different now; your truth has shifted their reality of you and the future, which results in fear. There are no quick fixes for that. You have done the hard thing of naming your truth; it is now time to build the life and relationships that align with that truth.

GETTING ANGRY AT THEM OR THEIR PAIN MAY ONLY ISOLATE YOU.

Often we are so excited by our awareness and connection to our truth (our courage to come out, our excitement about a new relationship construct, our presentation of our gender-identity) that we are shocked and angry when those who love us do not immediately support us. Remember that you have been thinking about this for a while, and they are just coming to terms with the new you and the consequences of that. Being angry and distancing yourself from them because they do not welcome your news with joy may only cause you to feel isolated. Do not stay in toxic situations or relationships! Just consider if you are angry or distant because they are toxic or because your pride is wounded and/or seeing their pain causes you pain.

BECOME COMFORTABLE BEING UNCOMFORTABLE.

It will be uncomfortable. Maybe for a while. Expect lots of questions, expect push back, expect judgement, expect concern, expect uncomfortable conversations and awkward silences. Things are shifting, and the people who love you may need time to wrap their heads around it. If you can sit in their pain and become comfortable (as comfortable as one can be) with giving them consistent love and space to feel, the intensity around their pain and fear will lessen over time.

GIVE IT TIME.

You may not know how things will get better, but it will. Think about your first break up, or the first time you were caught in a lie, or the first time you hurt a friend. It may have seemed like you could never get past the pain, and in time, you did. Give it time, stay on your path, treat yourself and those around you with love and empathy, and find community to help you along your journey.

I have been on both sides of this. I have sat through unbearable pain that my truth caused, and have been the one in pain because of the truth of someone I loved. It is important for those of us in the “authenticity” game to tell the whole story and for those of us in pursuit of authenticity to do so with our eyes and hearts open.


Still have questions? Check out the podcast, or find community on Facebook and Instagram. You do not need to figure this out on your own; stay find and connect with a curious community of friends.

To hear more curious and courageous stories, subscribe to Curious Fox for free or find us on Patreon for even more bonus content. Each week you will find more stories and lessons, as well as ways that you can explore your curiosity.

 
Identity, Love, FamilyJacqueline Mislacoming out, parents, fear