Tired of the Same Relationship Arguments? Try This Relationship Therapy Technique that Really Works
Sitting in vulnerability is hard. Peeling back the layers of anger and disappointment to reveal the hurt underneath is not comfortable. Giving words to those feelings is daunting. Sharing that vulnerability and those feelings with partner(s)...that can seem impossible.
What if you didn’t have to go through that process alone?
Many people avoid going for relationship therapy because there’s a belief that it will be too much talking, too many questions, too much finger-pointing, and too much brought to the surface to know how to handle. Emotionally Focussed Therapy seeks to change that belief and give couples, triad, polycules, etc., a better option.
“Why didn't you do the dishes?”
In episode 70 of the Curious Fox Podcast, Dr. Thomas Whitfield explained why Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) stands apart from other therapeutic methods. He shared that when people in a relationship argue, it can turn into a dance. The argument - about the dishes, about sex, about money - becomes a pattern, like well-practiced choreography. Developed by Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg, EFT aims to help people see the pattern, make adjustments to it, and learn new choreography.
In EFT, the aim is not to have people fight each other but instead to fight the negative pattern. The work shines a light on destructive patterns and focuses on changing them instead of focusing on who is right or wrong.
To do this, EFT works to help each person:
get in touch with their emotions
learn to articulate their emotional state (instead of focusing on the situation)
really hear the other person
work together to address the problem (instead of believing that the other person is the problem)
Sound too touchy-feely? Well, let’s see how it would play out in the real world.
Let’s consider a common argument: “Why didn’t you do the dishes?”
In scenario one, you can notice the pile of dirty dishes and march over to your partner and say: “You didn’t do the dishes again after I asked you several times.” Your tone is frustrated, exasperated, resentful, and angry.
Instead of apologizing and running over to wash the dishes, they respond defensively and with an attitude. They begin listing the chores that you haven’t done, and an argument about the dishes quickly escalates to a fight about who does what, who is lazy or bossy, and who is right or wrong.
What went wrong? We all know the answer. Anger begets anger. Frustration begets defensiveness. And it becomes a battle of who is right.
Let’s explore a different strategy in scenario two. You can notice the pile of dirty dishes, and you sit down next to your partner and say: “I’m feeling sad and afraid, and I would like to tell you about it if you have space to hear it.” Your tone is honest and vulnerable. You explain while dirty dishes may just seem like dirty dishes, for you, it means more. You share that you feel sad because a clean space gives you peace of mind, and you are worried that your needs are not important to your partner. You note that you are afraid because you believe that you may have to take over that task to get peace of mind, which may lead to feelings of overwhelm or resentment.
Your vulnerable tone sparks a vulnerability in response, and you engage in a conversation about the problem without blaming anyone.
What was the difference? The first time, anger and frustration bubbled up, sparking the all too familiar dance of who does what and who cares more. The second time, a deeper emotional dive revealed that anger was actually the secondary emotion, and the primary emotion was sadness or fear.
How are you feeling...really?
Figuring out what is a primary or secondary emotion is not intuitive. Dr. Whitfield suggests using the emotion wheel to get comfortable with different feelings works and as a tool to help us translate secondary emotions into primary emotions. In episode 70, Effy Blue also suggests the Non-Violent Communication Feelings and Needs list to find the words to express how we are feeling.
The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse
So what happens if you don’t do that work, and we instead lean into the anger, disappointment, frustration, and resentment that emerges as a result...well, then you may enter the apocalypse.
There is a concept in psychology called The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse. Developed by John Gottman, it describes the patterns partners begin to engage in when they argue. Gottman is known to be able to predict whether a couple will stay together or eventually break up after just one session with them - with over 95% accuracy.
The Four Horsemen are:
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
We use these reactions as a defense mechanism; a way to protect ourselves from deeper hurt. When ego, pride, anger, or avoidance get in the way of connection, those safe guardian tactics are worth contemplating.
Criticism: Distinctly different than voicing a complaint about a situation, criticism is an attack on your partner’s character.
When we have the urge to criticize, pass negative judgments, or state things in absolute terms during an argument, we are likely to be met with defensiveness, anger, or avoidance. EFT practices suggest that we focus on primary feelings instead and focus on the problem and not the other person, that we can avoid this first horseman and have a much healthier and productive conversation.
Contempt: While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt attempts to position you as morally superior to them. Contempt is mean, with an intention to mock, disrespect, patronize, or shame someone. The purpose of contempt is to make someone feel bad about themselves.
EFT argues that if feelings are addressed and conversations are had, a partnership can avoid the festering resentment and hostility that leads to contempt. If contempt rears its ugly head, avoid scorekeeping and name-calling, opting for more constructive alternatives. Remind yourself of all your partner’s positive qualities; the reasons you connect with them deeply when you’re outside moments of anger.
Defensiveness: We’ve all likely found ourselves in situations where we avoid responsibility by making excuses or deflecting blame (particularly when responding to criticism or contempt). However, this strategy signals to our partners that we don’t take responsibility for our actions, don’t take their concerns seriously and have no plans to address the situation.
What's the EFT strategy? Instead of getting defensive, try to hear your partner out, take responsibility when appropriate, and offer them a simple yet genuine apology. If your partner approaches you with vulnerability, match their sentiment by acknowledging your self-disappointment, shame, or sadness and work on a strategy together.
Stonewalling: Another reaction to criticism or contempt could be to stonewall, or withdraw, shut down, and simply stop responding. Stonewalling can often crop up when the other three horsemen have overwhelmed us, and we may feel compelled to distance ourselves from our partner emotionally and physically. There’s a vast difference between collecting your thoughts to calming yourself and stonewalling - that difference is communication. EFT technique suggests that when you need to step away, let your partner(s) know, communicate when you’re ready to return to the conversation, and then return to the conversation.
The antidotes to the four horsemen are not easy, and they take practice. And the alternative is that you may feel right and morally superior...all by yourself.
Break the Pattern
When we ignore or mismanage our emotions, our relationships can suffer. We can break the pattern, and that requires all parties to work together...and sometimes with the help of a therapist or relationship coach.
The act of attempting to break the negative patterns indicates a hope that the relationship can grow, and deeper connection is possible. With these tools, relationships can move past these maladaptations and work toward productive conflict resolution.
Arguing is inevitable, and the four horsemen can pop up from time to time; but if you use the tools EFT provides and are more intentional about stepping into vulnerability instead of anger when hurt arises, you will have a lighter, more communicative, more connected relationship.
Still have questions? Check out the podcast, or find community on Facebook and Instagram. You do not need to figure this out on your own; stay find and connect with a curious community of friends.
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