Ep 119: Fox Tales: Black, Queer and Kinky in the City with Tiana Glittersaurus Rex

This week we bring you a Pride installment of our new feature, Fox Tales: Stories of lives that challenge the status quo.

Tiana Glittersaurus Rex is a Black, queer, kinky, polyamorous woman in New York City. Tiana shares her journey of going from a traditional marriage to a joyful and active member of the kink, poly, and femme dom communities. She has not only discovered her authentic self expression but is dedicated to supporting others to do the same through community, advocacy, and education. 

You can find out more about Tiana on Instagram at @Glittersaurus.Rex or via her organization Sex Work Survival Guide @swsurvivalguide. Listen to the podcast that Tiana produces: Hard or Soft Podcast. If you are in New York for Pride 2022, join Tiana at Kinks & Drinks on June 24th where consent is king, weirdness reigns supreme and ALL bodies are welcome. 

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Curious Fox @wearecuriousfoxes
Effy Blue @coacheffyblue
Jacqueline Misla @jacquelinemisla

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TRANSCRIPT:

Tiana

We watched all these Docu series and documentaries on HBO and Cinemax and you know, all the things that reminded me of real sex that I was like sneaking in watching when I was a little one. So much of my knowledge of sexuality at HBO at night.

Effy

Welcome to the Curious Fox podcast, for those challenging the status quo in love, sex, and relationships. My name is Effy Blue.

Jacqueline

And I'm Jacqueline Misla. And today, we're bringing you another fox tale, an intimate self-titled story of a person who's challenging the status quo in love, sex and relationships. In our continued celebration of pride, we hear from Tiana glitter source Rex, about being a black, queer poly kinky woman, a self-described introvert with big energy. Tiana shares her journey of going from a traditional marriage to a joyful and active member of the kinky Polly and Fen down communities.

Effy

I've known Tiana for a while and had the honor of witnessing evolution, her energy, and her drive to find herself to live authentically and support others to do the same through community and education are inspiring, and at times, beautifully intoxicating.

Jacqueline

There was so much about her tail that resonated with me, from her misguided belief that her husband would leap into an open relationship and kink with equal energy to worrying about how visibility in the sex-positive community would impact her work, to navigating through respectability politics and the burden of representing your race and ethnicity in every room that you step in, and her effort to find community and then create communities for people of color within the poly and kink spaces.

Effy

Her vivid description of fitting in without a sense of belonging summed up so much of my experience on this planet. And I really appreciated that. Gianna experience inevitable ups and downs, learned lessons along the way, and walked away with a great guiding principle, no, and ask for what you want.

Tiana

Hello, I'm Tiana GlittersaurusRex, I am a black, queer pansexual femme Dom, Operations Management, serial entrepreneur, intimacy coordinator, and curator of beautiful places that encourage education, no matter what level of experience that you're coming into the space or experience.

Jacqueline

I think that's one of the best introductions,

Effy

I was amazed. Every household needs one.

Tiana

So I would love to talk about my personal story of what it's like to be a black, poly queer woman. My story is really about an experience about New York. And what that's like being in living in New York, which is its own bubble. As soon as I travel outside that New York bubble, I am very, very harshly and sometimes micro aggressively reminded what a beautiful sacred space even though New York has its harshness and micro aggressions within itself. But it's not the same and it's you know, know the monster that you're familiar with. apt analogy that maybe others can relate to so I know what streets I can go on. I know what spots are acceptance me. I know now the level of consent that I demand when I walk into a space and how I want to be interacted, how I want my body to be treated, how I want to be seen and heard by those around me. And so I know to go to those spaces. I know how to help bring in other people to those spaces. And I feel like a friend of mine gave me the most beautiful analogy of my life experience even before stepping into this queer poly BDSM world was I'm someone that fits in everywhere but belongs nowhere and because of that blessing and burden, I'm able to go into all different spaces whether people Viet really agree with me or disagree with me whether they want me to be there or not, whether they actually condemn my existence for whatever aspect

they disagree with, I can still be there and hold my own and still know who I am. And know when I need to not be in those spaces, I don't need to continue to put myself in that kind of harm's way, which is a psychological, emotional, you know, torture, if you will, but I coming from a BDSM background know when to opt out of when to call my safe word, my internal safe word, if you will, to know that these things need to stop and change and shift. So that's, that's more where my background comes from. I have two amazing loving parents that raised me co parented, they were separated when I was very young, they were married, and then realize that it was not good for them to be together. And I agree, it's not good for them to be together. And I think that's a blessing because they showed me right then in there, you do what's best for you. There's so many people that stay together for their children, you know, and they're honored and revered for that. And it's hard, especially, I feel like in a time where that was not socially acceptable to co parent, that they did that. And I was raised in two separate but similar households, you know, there were certain no nonsense that was not allowed in either household. But there's also certain amount of nonsense that could happen in each household. And being an only child, you know, you kind of learned early on what you can and cannot get away with. So I loved more being inside instead of being social. So I'm actually an introvert at heart. And when I say that to people, they're very surprised, because when you meet me, I'm very extrovert, like, you cannot see the air quotes around that. But I've learned how to fake it. I've learned how to like, watch the extroverts their natural habitats and mimic by see them interacting, and watching the healthy and unhealthy behaviors of how those socializations kind of happen, interact. And then you know, how that was in high school versus when I was in college age and then the bar scene in New York, and knowing okay, I don't really like this bars. I love, you know, gay bars. Even before I enjoyed that identified as a queer woman. I was like, yes, these are my people. But it just felt like it was more free and authentic, and they were having more fun. And I realized also, I'm not really a drinker, I really enjoy cannabis. And so I went through a whole process of Reefer Madness, D stigmatization of what that means, especially as a black woman, and all the stigma that goes with sloth and laziness, and not achieving much in life because of cannabis. Because of how it's perpetuated in media and only seeing it in impoverished neighborhoods, ghettos, when those are the only black people that smoke cannabis. And I didn't, I didn't really come from the projects, but I wasn't, we were middle lower middle class, if you will, you know, my parents made sure I had clothes on my back food on my table where they name brands know, so I had to get over that. And that was okay, because kids made fun of me for other reasons. So that also gave me thick skin of not really caring about what people think about me. And being an only child, I was okay being alone and reading a book and getting lost in a book and, you know, not being okay being the cool kid, or the the popular girl. And because of how my mom and I moved, I actually went to different schools for about five years in a row. So it's like, each year, there was a new school that I went to, there was like kind of restarting, which also is a blessing and a curse. You know, you get to reinvent yourself, you get to Okay, don't make the same mistakes that you did that last one. But also you get to see a new kind of meanness in people you get to kind of see how they ostracize in a different way how the other in a different way, and kind of navigating through that. So it wasn't until sixth grade that I finally went to a private school that I went through to all through 12/12 grade. There was a majority way but majority Jewish and Jewish people are different kind of white people.

I actually love going to bar and bat mitzvahs and, you know, going to the parties and it was all Almost like because the history of Jewish people and their culture, also being persecuted in America, there is that like trauma bonding, if you're cultural trauma bonding that sort of bear that I didn't notice me looking back in retrospect, not like seventh grade Tiana, recognizing generational trauma within her peers. And so it sort of made me realize that it's like, okay, I can be around people of different ethnicities and backgrounds and look like me. And it made me realize how people point out different things of why we can be together and why we cannot be together in different circles in different groups. And so fast forwarding that to now living full time in New York after graduating high school, and kind of having that, you know, experience and now I'm finding my own feet in New York, which has like, pick a lane of like options and circles that you want to live in. Who the hell do you want to be in New York, and you can. There's like a choose your own adventure, which is so beautiful about it, New York, and also very overwhelming. And I had been with my partner who's and my husband, we had actually met in middle school and then reconnected when we both moved back to New York, and lived together for a bit because we both had kind of shitty roommate situations. So we were like, okay, yeah, we can do better than whatever that was. And then that turned into a more romantic relationship. And because it was kind of based in like, such a deep friendship for so many years, it just felt so natural to want to have them continue and move and grow. And we, we built a pet service company together during that time. And so I was going to college at Fordham and running the pet service company, with my boyfriend, who then became my husband. And it felt like we were exploring and doing all the things in New York that we wanted to do together. It was like, you know, we did our kind of like, wish list. I won't say bucket list, because we were nowhere near the end. But you know, what we wanted to do if all of our hearts desires and imagine, you know, we're young were super and what, what did we want to live in experience and a lot of those intersected. And so it was really nice to have this partner to explore these things together with and grow this business during that time that also included sexual things. And I wanted to explore BDSM. And he was also sort of curious about it, and I wanted to do but stuff and he was interested in but stuff. So that's when I wanted to find workshops and classes and he actually got us on field to be able to find different play parties. And we watched all these Docu series and documentaries on HBO and Cinemax and you know all the things that reminded me of real sex that I was like sneaking in watching when I was a little one. So

Unknown Speaker

much of my knowledge of sexuality came from HBO at night.

Tiana

Yes, no. So shaped who I am what I do now, for sure. And so it made me realize that like, I always wanted to be polyamorous, I thought that I had to wait until you did the escalator relationship of like dating, marriage, kids career retirement, and then you can do whatever the fuck you want to do before you're waiting to die, essentially. And it was just like, Okay, I don't want to wait till then we weren't ready for kids. We felt established in our relationship we had been dating for five plus years, we'd actually been married for two years, I think at that point as well. So it felt like let's try a threesome, I would love to explore my queerness I've never been with a woman. I saw the L word. It changed my life. I want to see what it's like to eat pussy. I think I want to like kiss a woman and caress her. And I've always appreciated the female form. And I was like, I think I would appreciate the female form more than a hetero normative woman. She's a female form. I'd love to explore more of that. And I would love for you to explore your sexuality and what you want to do with whatever you want to do. I'm open to it, you know, and I just assumed that men were like, waiting for that vision like he just like, drip fed, which and then all of a sudden, like the lights go up. Now it's part of town. It was a little bit like that, but he's even more introverted. Have an introvert. And so we realized that we needed to we had different tastes and who we were sexually attracted to. So that was a whole conversation. And a lot of this process was having conversations that we never had before. But now we were forced to have because now strangers are asking me these things. Emotions are happening that were never brought up before. And now we had to face them. And some of these things, were able to resolve ourselves. Some we were like, hold the phone, we need some support in here, we bring it up, brought in support some professionals. And we realized that we needed to reset, like, we literally needed to reset everything. Because your overtime, I felt like I was losing, not just my husband, but my best friend. And I won't marry my husband, because he was my best friend. So when I realized I was like, losing, and also my lover, it was like, a child was like losing a lover

was like, Whoa, what is we have to change and shift here. And even though he had a study partner that he was seeing, and she was amazing, and she and I got along, and I had other partners that he liked. And that got along, it still felt like we could not get on the same page. And then it got to a point where our lease was up where we were living together. And then we couldn't agree on where we wanted to live together. And so he wanted to live with his partner, and I didn't want to live with them. And so I was like, Well, I'm okay with you living with her. And I will just find someone somewhere else to live. And I thought it was actually going to be living living with my dad who had a three bedroom like house apartment. So it wasn't really moving back into my dad, even though it was like I'm back in my parents answer, I'd never do that. But that's what's best for me right now, since I don't want to opt into the other option of living as a triad. And so my actual my ex actually who I was dating and still friends with had a roommate that just failed of him. And I was able to dip into that apartment. And it was so it was reasonably priced, you know, a beautiful neighborhood in Queens. So I was just like, Yes, I will land there. And I basically stayed there. For all these years up until this partner that I'm currently with right now that I'm now like, oh my god, I'm leaving Queens. And I had to unpack, like that whole process, like we were actually in therapy together, which has been really helpful for our dynamic. And like, I didn't realize how much attachment I had to this, because it had been the place that I landed from, since my separation. And then I went through our subsequent divorce there, which was not so amicable at first, but then over time, you know, we were able to resolve things and became amicable. And now we're friends, again, not best friends, but still friends. And that's like that he's actually remarried to his partner that he was with then. And I wish them all the best. So it's kind of like beautiful how, like the journey has side waved and full circles and on the other sort of, you know, directions that Polly dynamics can kind of go in. And it sort of made me realize through my family dynamic that I was healing and falling in love through most of my poly journey while I was going through my divorce. And because I wasn't actually allowing myself to have space and breath to kind of heal and breathe. I always had another distraction. I always had another partner, I always had another event to preoccupy myself, I wasn't doing as much self work as I needed to, to emotionally process what was happening to me, and how my life was shifting and changing. But it was also the beautiful distraction that I needed while my life was shifting and changing. Because it made me realize that I can still live, I do have community I do have friends. So much of my life was my husband, the business that we built, you know, going to school, and that was our nucleus. And that was so beautiful and preoccupied so much of my time, but I needed to live more than that. And I was so grateful that I went through this process and journey because they come out so much more fulfilled. Because of it all I had so much more enriching friendships and relationships. And another one of my really good friends that told me early on in my poly journey is like you don't have to fuck all your friends. And that was a really great lesson and it's like, oh, yeah, I should just be friends and not just like instant lovers that lover ships, whatever, you know, whatever shifts that then you turn into the relationship dynamic that you both agreed to. So It's kind of like you fuck up, but you got to learn from your fuckup, you know, and then be accountable for it and be honest with yourself, first of all, and then the people around you. I think those were the best lessons that I still am learning. And still, like, even now I'm just like, oh, yeah, you're used to this. Tell the truth. Yeah. You got it. You got it, you fuck that.

And so it's hard to deal with that. And I think especially when you're in different relationship styles and different demands of you, it's sometimes easy to excuse, bad behavior, excuse, you know, things that I feel like, especially time management, you know, you have to be clear about your communication about time management, like I would make up things about why I was late, instead of just actually communicating why I was late. And it's just like, why are you doing it? Like, who were you doing this for? This is negative behavior, like you think you're saving their feelings, but actually, you're perpetuating bad behavior to make an excuse as to why you're not doing why you're not accountable for your time boundaries right now. So that's sort of where I started. And where I am still presently, at

Jacqueline

two, how did you reconcile your identity growing up?

Tiana

That's still a process being a black woman, American. I am still reconciling my identity. I know who I who I am. But it's interesting how others see me. And I will elaborate on that. I know, I have to make people feel comfortable. So if I don't smile, initially, at people, even just walking down the street, I can feel and sense their uncomfortability of me being a threat. And I did that unconsciously, my whole life. And it wasn't until I was really faced with the why, you know, like, it just got to a point it was like, Why do I feel like instantly I have to smile at everyone that I see. And it's just like, let's unpack that. And those those kinds of things that like, I realized, like, why do you do that? Like, and that stems actually from my BDSM background, because with kinks, I'm always so interested is like, why are you interested that why is that a fetish? Why are you objectifying that body part, you know, like, and really kind of deep diving in that for myself, and then even for submissives that I had specially when we're curating a scene, so that way I know where that stems from, especially as a black woman and femdom. I don't do breast race play, but people can unbiasedly engage in race play. And so we have to be able to unpack that dynamic and the why behind what we're trying to achieve in this scene. So that way, we know that we're not engaging in something that crosses my boundary. And so it's so fat. It's like the anthropologist and me like I feel like if I was to go back into your go back to school and study, that would probably be what I would want to study. And I think that's what I love going to play spaces like that. Like it's curiosity, there's voyeurism of watching other people's exhibitionism having at certain aspects of my own exhibition. I like to be seen clearly by the colors and things and how I dress them in calling myself when I want some aspects of being seen. But I also like to look at me, don't talk to me. I'm, I'm an introvert. I don't like to be. alone. That's why I think as I'm hosting events, it gives me a task to be able to have my voyeuristic intrigue in pink, while helping people have their exhibitionism. The beautiful balance that I realized that I've been able to tap into that gives back to the game. Yeah,

Jacqueline

just want to note there. I think that that is so interesting, because I think that that is true, that when you are being an exhibitionist and sharing people then assume, Oh, you're an extrovert that is actually much different than one on one interaction, I can stand in front of a stage of 500 people, easily. Having to have a conversation with any of those people afterwards is terrifying. And so I love that you found your way of being connected in the space and the energy in a way that feeds you and doesn't deplete you, as at one at one kind of connection would.

Tiana

Yeah, yeah.

Effy

I also I think that just the way that you reconcile that right, that's exactly what we were talking about. You're like, This is who I am, this is who I want. And I want to be seen while I want to be, you know, have boundaries and have control over that. And this is how I reconcile the whole thing, which is beautifully done, you know, thank you.

Tiana

Yay.

Jacqueline

Did you have to come out to your family? And so what was that like?

Tiana

I came out to my family first as polyamorous. When I was opening up with my husband. We took my dad out to lunch. She easily actually. So it was like really pretty. He'd never been there before. And it was very public. Even with my dad that sometimes doesn't matter, but just any needle forward and make it as I guess, comfortable for us, really, it was really the setting that we needed to be able to have that conversation with him. And he confused it with BDSM. He was like, so you have people stringing you up and hanging from a ceiling? First. And it's like, Oh, wait. Okay.

Effy

That fast-forwarded really quickly. Yes, but that's actually not.

Tiana

Next month is definitely happening, not there yet. I wasn't at full suspension, quite yet making my wager thing, you know, tied up and hanging from the ceiling. But mostly it was like, No, this is what polyamorous is we're going to have multiple partners, we're opening up our marriage, we are just exploring and seeing what we want to do with our lives at this point, because we're not ready for children. And this feels like a nice step for us to explore. And first was like, okay, with it, he was very calm. It seemed like his brain was processing a lot. And then he started to blame himself. What did I do you know what, you know, what could I have done better? Like, it's because you were divorced, you know, like he just kind of in Loki my I won't call my dad a womanizer. But he was a star football player through high school in college. So you know, he kind of he I know, he had his way with, especially in the 70s. He looks just like the golden era of when the rubies were. Abundance. And, I've met some of these lovely women at his reunions. It's kind of like, oh, you're okay, you're the daughter. And so I think he sort of internalized maybe those aspects of his past that like, now his daughter is like, sweating out, wanting to you know, do this. And it was like, No, this has nothing to do with you. And really, it was through my work with BDSM and camming. And being a pronoun, and then doing certain aspects of sugaring that had to unpack my daddy issues that I realized it was not my relationship to my dad, that I was engaging in these things. But it was actually my relationship to money and capitalism, and wanting to explore being spoiled and taken out and being treated and doing the things that actually my husband didn't really enjoy doing. Like he doesn't like going to a spa. So let me find someone who does want to achieve Me and go to a spa and then have me spank them afterwards. So it was a lot of different things that I had to educate myself on and then communicate to my parents. My mom on the other hand, it was more of an over-the-phone conversation. And she was just like, are you happy and safe? Okay, I don't need to know anything else. That was kind of like me coming out to her about everything. And then certain other cousins I told that I'm very close with and share that journey with them and they've sort of watched and supported me through it and they've been amazing. My closest cousin actually, this Christmas after my divorce was finalized. I was dreading going to Christmas but she was like No Come Come home we're all coming together and said like fine and then I found out later and I was like oh that was such a great experience. No one asked me about my divorce it was so lovely you know seeing family and then I found out later they like she literally like told everyone don't you fucking bring up told you talking about her eggs doing nothing, not not so I really appreciated that like blanket, you know, care that she had shouted me and that I didn't even realize that I was until much later and I appreciated my family for respecting and listening to her because it actually made me love them more and then I could talk to them about what was happening what was going on in a more time-appropriate you know, one on one situation. The whole process with my family surprised me. I thought they would be more judgmental because we do come from a more Christian backgrounds, and I thought that would be more of a play into it. But luckily I had a few cousins that came out as gay. A bit before me and kind of soften the blow. And Ben was like, No, we got Polly now. We got him falling. And then now my younger cousins actually come out is Polly. So, you know, so from my from me to them now they're more open about sharing and bringing their partners to our family gatherings. And so it's it's kind of been this beautiful surprise that I never would have expected at all. It's so grateful for

Jacqueline

you Yeah, good for your family. Good for you and your and the folks that came before you for opening the door cracking open a little bit and now more and more of your family is kind of crashing through. Even making that possible. Certainly not even just making it possible I imagined to share with your family but even to explore on their own without feeling shame or guilt.

Tiana

Yes, absolutely. That I think is what I'm most grateful for. And they feel comfortable talking to me like now I'm the go to cousin for a sex kink. You know, relationship? Question. Like I'm that cousin now, which I was like, I didn't volunteer my name.

Effy

Now you're on everyone's quick dial for easing that is of the mainstream who we're gonna call Gianna.

Tiana

Exactly. So you know what, I am just sort of relief because it was also like, oh, how do you give a blow job? Oh, do I want to teach? I don't want to give in to sloppy bad blow jobs. So, yes, let me get you some tips on how to give a blow job. I know this, I see. Watch some gay porn communicate asks what they like pamphlets and tricks, and you're just out the water. It's been kind of interesting how I ended like, is that my boundary to talk to them in that way. And it's just like, they're asking me for help. And I feel informed enough that either I can help answer them or steer them to other resources, that then they can do a deeper dive into, you know, what they're actually looking for.

Effy

Amazing. So I mean, it's an amazing fortune to have a family that supportive, and have not only been supportive, but really embraced you. And then now think of you as a resource as a trusted resource and a safer space to have these conversations. So that's, that's, that's really amazing. Yeah. So what internal or external noise Did you hear that made living authentically challenging?

Tiana

I'll start with internal. I feel like I had a lot of respectability politics that I internally had to unpack. And by that, I mean, I felt I had to represent a black woman, the black people black culture, in a certain way, especially when you know what we call code switching going into spaces where you have to be more presentable or professional, cannot see the air quotes, I keep forgetting around being presentable and professional, because what is professional, what is presentable, those standards are so subjective, based on where you are, I wanted to hold myself self to the highest standard, I felt like I came from a legacy of black excellence, educated black family, like my grandfather's dying wish that all of his children graduate college. So knowing that like my grandmother put all four of her children through college, but also was a part of the NCAA P and helped put other black children through college and help women use the government food that they were given get good cooking classes, so that they could feed their families, and then went to college to get her degree herself after doing all of that and it was just like, okay, no pressure.

Effy

Shoes usable. Wow.

Tiana

And knowing that what my mom went through, you know, she broke barriers as a black woman in television, working at ABC and being one of the first women in her position, and certain aspects as the crew. And with she went through to get through what she went through. She also has like two master's degree and it was it just felt like you have to do better than your parents. So it's like, well, my Mom Yes, she hit that bar better her grandmother, okay.

Jacqueline

That's some bar.

Tiana

Let's jump over this bar. So I had to come to like, well, what level of profession can achieve that level of excellence? You know what what I have to study will medicine being a doctor? What aspect of being a doctor you know and then just went like, do you want to save it? No, you know, you don't really I worked into I worked in a hospital to kind of volunteer what it's like to be in a hospital. I do not want to work in a hospital. I have no hi So, I was like, Okay, let me study psychology, I can still be a doctor and help people in an environment that feels more conducive for me. So that's what I started going to school for and getting into. And during that time I started my pet service company. And I realized is like, No, I love dogs. I love animals. I love being outside. I don't want to deal with the neuroses of other people. Actually, you know, I learned a lot about myself, while taking these classes. And so getting to that point where I was like, Okay, I'm a business owner, that's respectable to my family, everyone appreciates that. During the time, I realized I couldn't do paw prints my company and go to school at the same time, because I was just getting too many clients. So I was literally skipping class to go walk dogs. So I just decided to like, put school on hold, and just invest into my business. I essentially never looked back and never really went back to school after that. And then during that I realized I was like, I'm kinky as fuck, like, I love fetish wear. I love anything, really, that I see that abnormal or weird, just not in the mainstream. I'm just really naturally gravitated to that. And I always have been. But I've always just felt that there's this respectability politics that says that you can't let people know that you're into that, because they're then going to judge you judge your race does your femininity judge, judge you No. And it was just like, I have to live my life. I only have one life. I can't live for other people. I can't live for my family. I can't live for that third grade teacher that's going to see me in a garter and holding a dildo with a strap on. Like, I can't live for those people, I have to live for me. And I go diving into this community, I realized actually the importance of being visible as a black woman, and how the lack of visibility is why I had the stigma that I had. And so it means like, Okay, well, am I in a place where I can hold this visibility because I don't want to lose clients. I don't want people to affect my livelihood. Essentially, because the law doesn't protect about being poly the law doesn't protect about being kinky. It does protect me being queer. So yay, progress. But those other very major points in my life are not protected by the law even so I can't necessarily prove a client hired me because they found out I have two girlfriends. So you know, it was this weird, kind of like stepping my toe in and exposing me so that's like came up with the name fluid of source Rex because it just felt like, who I was in represented. And it was I needed to come up with an Instagram name because no one wanted to really give me my phone their phone numbers. Like fine if I have to miss it, too. I'm going to be and I embraced it. I embraced who that person was. And then it was like, Well, who was with us or is reckless. She's like kinky that as you know, has this a distinct side, but she can also be nurturing. And she can also ask for what she wants and have boundaries that can be expressed without worrying about how that makes people feel.

Jacqueline

I'm interested in were you able to find folks and community when you entered into the kink space when you felt like there was not a lot of representation of people of color? I'm wondering how you navigated that, did you have to learn things on your own? Did you like see the other black girl in the party and like run over and like alright, we need to now be friends. Like, what did that look like for you?

Tiana

Yes to basically. They were amazing, lovely people. That's the beautiful thing about kink communities. There's so warm, sweet, welcoming people. Like I've never felt more welcomed, actually, in any other space that I had been in, in New York, even with people that look like me, even kinky people. And not all kinky people, or, you know, the best people. They're bad apples and every community but for the most part, I was just like, warm hug by everyone that was their and embrace me. And the fact that they were asking me about my boundaries asked me about depths into various things of getting consent through various steps of things was just like, whoa, mind blown panties, what was going on. And so when I wanted to then I have this like, once I get a taste, I just want to consume it all. So I wanted to go into all the different Kiki spaces and see all the different play areas that existed in New York, and I realized how there weren't that many of us as I started going into the different circles, and then also how FetLife was a different community than Instagram was a different community than Twitter's a different community. So even like the online BDSM community can be vastly separate that works. Um, with some, you know, intersections, of course. And so it was actually a following the different sex educators and BDSM educators, that I was then able to access more pockets of communities that I felt were, you know, more queer than heteronormative, or more POC than non POC. And so I was finding more intersections that I could relate to, which was becoming really beautiful. And then yes, I would find those people and be like, here's there's more of us come over here, or did you hear about this party or this community has this whole other group of people that their nurturing and having going on? So I just wanted to then be this resource of just being like, did you know about this, and let's follow each other. So I can send you these events that are happening, or these people do workshops on a regular, so keep a lookout for everything on their page. And that really felt like what was natural for me, but also gave me a purpose. And then I was like, How can I monetize being this resource, and I actually feel like the work that I'm doing with jetsetting, Jasmine and Keanu are, and also the harder soft podcast has allowed me to utilize the skills and networks that I've been able to deep dive into, and then help bring the connections together, whether that's brand partnerships or content creation collaborations. So it's been really great to now utilize this and not just put money in my pocket, but help put money in other people's pockets help, you know, give them exposure or platforms that they may not have had access to otherwise.

Effy

Amazing. This is like such an amazing journey for everyone. I'm curious if there was like, a time that you can point to where you said like, this is okay, from now on. I'm gonna live my fullest. I'm gonna be my most authentic self was it? Oh, was it a gradual transition?

Tiana

Both gradual transition at first, from 28 When I first entered the community 2728 When I first entered the community to then my 30th birthday, were also my divorce had been finalized shortly before that, and actually my best friend who was there when he first asked me to prom who was one of the only wedding guests because we got to loop at the courthouse, and then was also at my divorce citing papers. Do then my 30th birthday, which was like I feel like the glitter stories coming out, you know, party, and it really was the catalyst to make me realize I love curating events and spaces for people because that was the first time that I created space, really for myself, but I just invited others to and for them too often too. But it was literally everything at that point that I had ever wanted to do. So it was me checking off all my fantasy lists. And I actually had it Hacienda because of Lila and she was instrumental and actually like, what do you want to do? You know like what do you want and that became the theme of the night is ask for what you want because it was instrumental to getting me there and what I will now always hold dear to myself of asking myself that and demanding that of other people as well.

Effy

Amazing and along the way I mean the way that you share your story is so smooth and so positive and of course, you do talk about you know, it was ups and downs. But you know, I think because of your joyful way of narrating the whole thing I do want to take a moment just to sort of name if there were any barriers that you face as a result of you kind of choosing to live your full authentic self

Tiana

yes heartbreak and you want to be poly get ready to have you heartbroken sometimes multiple heartbreaks at the same time y'all so you love deep you love hard it also has the consequence of you then have to deal with the pieces of loving hard and reconciling that and giving that much of yourself to another being and trusting that person and being vulnerable in that way with another person but alone multiple people. And so there's definitely been a lot of puddle person is what I call her. Whereas like Tiana is not liquid. I mean she's not solid, she is literally collapsed into a liquid form. And it was just on the floor. Did you know baby she's on the couch, but mostly on the floor. So it kind of is like I've had amazing partners that helped stop me up. sponged me up in a bucket and put me in a warm, beautiful place, but I've also had to learn how to do that for myself internally, how to do my own self-coping mechanisms to self-soothe, not leaning On my love of cannabis as a crutch to deal with my anxiety and as a coping mechanism. And that was its own process because I had a partner that broke up with me because he said, You smoke too much weed, and I was just like, This is my medicine, sir. Like you wouldn't tell me. I mean, maybe you would tell me I'm talking to my sanics. But that was how I was self-medicating. And but it did a hard stop of me looking at myself of like, am I soaking too much? Why am I smoking this much? What am I getting out of it? So I did have to look at my consumption. And I read I recognize that. Yes, I was overusing but I wouldn't say to the point of abuse, but I needed to have a new relationship with it. And so I did not appreciate how it was delivered to me. But I appreciated the outcome of me getting to where I am because I'm in a much better, healthier place mentally, physically, and emotionally because of that. But yeah, deep, deep heartbreak and learning how to recover and recoup without needing to rely on another person to help me and recover and recoup. I think those have been the hardest, hardest things. Because once I got divorced, I was like anyone loves Me again. Will I ever be in a relationship again, even though I literally had two other partners, I was like, I don't know if I will have a husband to love again. I don't know if I'm gonna have a husband relationship aspect again. And it made me realize that I'm a nester. I love to like love hard love deep. We pretty much cohabitate within the first month or so like I'm leaving things at your place. I'm having like, part of my skincare regimen, like in your cabinet. So you know, that's what I know that like things are getting real is when you have part of my skincare regimen.

Jacqueline

That's expensive to have. Exactly.

Effy

This was a thing for you, Jackie, when you're like, Okay, I've had enough, I'm gonna just double down on everything. But when I was traveling

Jacqueline

back and forth with all my things, I was like, It's time now.

Tiana

I'm investing in you.

Jacqueline

I'm wondering, you know, all the lessons learned along the way? Is there any advice that you would give to young black queer girls out there who are listening to this?

Tiana

Love yourself? First, find out what that means to you what self-love means to how do you take care of yourself physically? How do you take care of yourself mentally, and emotionally, seek therapy, if it's possible and available to you, there are now more free resources or resources covered by insurance if the thought privileged that you can actually pay for that has helped me tremendously. And I feel like this is not encouraged in the black community enough or even in the queer community enough, actually. And then I would also say you have the love you think you deserve. And so that was something that was shared with me a really long time. And it's really helped me influence especially being poly and queer. When I feel like I'm giving all of myself I'm depositing into this person, but I'm not getting anything back. What are you getting back? Are you being fulfilled? Is this a healthy relationship that is fulfilling you and replenishing you? If it's not, then maybe reassess that and have a support system support systems are so helpful. Yes, it's great to have amazing vanilla friends, but also, you know, if it's not in person because of where you live, having a community that's poly or queer, hopefully, intersection of worlds black poly queer intersection. There's amazing online resources. I work with Jetson Jasmine and Kane who are amazing black Holly educators who also talk about queer education and always mentioned and tagged other people. So there's so many resources online and available to you that I highly recommend you invest in yourself because you're only going to benefit by you invest, like doing the research, reading books, listening to podcasts like this. You're already doing the work if you're listening to this podcast, congratulations. Taking a step in the right direction and finding other voices that are helping support and amplify community that is out there because it is there for you. You're not alone. And you don't have to deal with this by yourself.

Effy

What do eautiful insightful deeds wise advice? Thank you know absolutely,

Jacqueline

thank you so many things resonated I have to sit with it. Now. I'm going to digest all the things but I think I am certainly appreciate to have you both wanting to show up as representation for the community but also not own the burden of that and instead decide to show up just as fully as you and I think that fully as you and being vibrant and energetic in like your authenticity that I think is

Effy

inspiring, so inspiring. Exactly.

Tiana

Thank you. Appreciate it. Thanks for having me.

Jacqueline

Want more of Tiana follow her on Instagram at glitter Soros dot Rex or via her organization, sex work Survival Guide at SW Survival Guide. Listen to the podcast that Tiana produces hard or soft podcast. And if you're in New York reprise, join Tiana at kingsun drinks on June 24, where consent is King weirdness reign supreme and all bodies are welcome. Links to all of these are in our show notes. If you have a story or question that's inspired by this episode, let us know head to our Facebook group and find other listeners and curious foxes to keep up on upcoming episodes follow or like this podcast so that we can continue to arrive on your phone each and every week. And of course, many thanks to our Patreon members deep appreciation for your continued support of this podcast. We can do this because of you. If you want to get behind the scenes footage mini episodes and we're 50 videos from educator led workshops. Go to patreon at we are curious foxes. And then let us know that you're listening by sharing a comment story your question, you can email us or send us a voice memo at listening at we're curious muxes.com Or you can record a question for the show by calling our new number 646-450-9079.

Effy

This episode is produced and edited by Nina Pollack, who supports our authentic voice. Our intro music is composed by dedza We are so grateful for their work, and we are grateful to you for listening. As always stay curious friends. Okay, we did it. Curious Fox podcast is not and will never be the final word on any topic was solely aimed to encourage curiosity and provide a space for exploration through connection and story. We encourage you to listen with an open and curious mind. And we'll look forward to your feedback. Stay curious friends. Stay curious, curious curious. Thank you. Stay curious. Stay curious.

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