Ep 173: Relationship Fears, Creative Healing and Halloween Pregame
In this episode, Effy and Jacqueline talk about some scary stories and beliefs they hold about relationships, share how these stories can manifest and how they can get in the way of connection and intimacy in their relationships. They reflect back on a previous Halloween episode where they approached these stories with creativity and humor and invite the listeners to try this approach.
Recommended episodes:
Ep 88 - Creative Take on Talking About Sex with Jennifer Beman
Ep 120 - Queer Pleasure, Storytelling, and Sexual Liberation with Dr. Jaime Grant
Ep 89 - Halloween Special: Haunted House of Relationships Fears
Be a part of our Halloween episode!
Listen to Episode 89: Haunted House of Relationships Fears, and then pick a fear that you have when it comes to love, sex or relationships and see if you can design your own scary haunted house room. Once you are done, get out your voice memo app on your phone and tell us all about it by sending it to listening@wearecuriousfoxes.com.
Connect with us on IG and more:
Curious Fox @wearecuriousfoxes
Effy Blue @coacheffyblue
Jacqueline Misla @jacquelinemisla
Email us or send a voice memo: listening@wearecuriousfoxes.com
Join the conversation: fb.com/WeAreCuriousFoxes
TRANSCRIPT:
Effy
The Halloween episode?
Jacqueline
Well, part one, it's not even
we're not even Halloween not even that like pre gaming. Pre gaming Friday.
Effy
Welcome to the curious Fox podcast for those challenging the status quo in love, sex, and relationships. My name is Effy Blue.
Jacqueline
And I'mJacqueline Misla. And today, we're talking about the scary stories that we tell ourselves that keep us from thriving and relationships. getting in the way of intimacy, closeness, and feelings of emotional safety are frankly, cautioning us from getting into relationships all together.
Effy
If I asked you a question, what's scary about relationships? Or what are you afraid of when it comes to relationships, most of us would have a story or a particular feeling that popped up in our heads. These scary stories are often formed before we get into any romantic relationship and come with us from relationship to relationship. For example, things that I've had to work on have been the story that my feelings won't be taken seriously in a relationship. So I can have a tendency to exaggerate when I have big feelings. And this can cause unnecessary and disproportionate turmoil in the relationship dynamic. All I have a story that I'm going to end up in a relationship where I'm going to be needed, not just wanted by someone who apparently can't take care of themselves. This can look like where I don't ask for help to role model this idea of extreme self sufficiency. And this can result in lack of closeness and safety for my partners. What about you, Jackie?
Jacqueline
Two stories that come to mind immediately are my fear scarcity, not having enough time or attention, or sex or connection. And so what that does is a it prevents me from wanting to share my partner, or my wife's time with anybody else. And it actually makes me want to hoard time that I don't need. So they may say, I'm gonna go out with a friend, I'm like, Really, but we haven't had time to connect. And then they stay and they connect, and we're not really doing anything, I just want to hoard that time for myself, which can make my partner feel controlled and give them a sense that I am never satisfied, which can create frustration, and self doubt that nothing will be good enough that they will never be good enough. Another story that I carry with me is this idea that I am going to take on more than my load in a relationship that can be domestic tasks, or emotional labor. And so as a result, I'm hyper vigilant and can become resentful when I think that more of my energy or time is being taken, which impacts the way that I see my partner and our relationship dynamic, which then creates tension and resentment on their end, because they think they are contributing to the relationship just in different ways.
Effy
We all have these stories, for some scary is lack of closeness, and for others, it may be lack of autonomy. These fears and feelings can manifest in different stories. The key is knowing what the stories are, without letting the stories dictate our reality. We need to be aware of our stories, because if not, they can become self fulfilling prophecies. As the brain looks for what we seek. Or interestingly, what we avoid. We don't want the avoidance of the stories, nor do we want to manifest them. One way of doing this is sharing the story, distinguishing it between the story and a belief creates distance and a form of accountability. And a good way to do that. A simple hack is to start your sentence with I have a story in my head that and then just narrate your story.
Jacqueline
And we are going to give you an opportunity to do just that. One Halloween, we decided to try something different and create a relationship House of Horrors. We were inspired by the old radio plays that had drama and sound effects and took people on a journey of mystery and suspense. And on that episode, Effie and I each went into great detail describing our house of horrors, the frightening relationship inspired rooms that we had to navigate through and how we managed to escape.
I'm going to walk you through a tour of my relationship House of Horrors.
Effy
I got So let's take this door, right, we're
Jacqueline
gonna hold hands. As we approach it is nighttime, it is dark, it's starting to rain, I hear thunder off in the distance. And ahead of us there is this big house and it's dark and it's creepy looking and open the door.
Crack cracks open.
And as we start to go in, the first thing that we realize is there's a little bit of light that shining and I can see reflection from all over the place. And I notice there are mirrors everywhere, we are surrounded by mirrors, but these mirrors are like trick mirrors, every single mirror that I look in, I look like a beast or I am either stretched out beyond belief or squashed down really tiny. And so there are just these mirrors everywhere. And this first room essentially represents my first fear, which is negative body image. I am afraid that I will no longer be sexually attractive to my partner that one day, they're going to turn around and look at me. And instead of seeing the gorgeous sexual goddess who they got into relationship with, they will now see a full on Macy, Macy's Day Parade baloon, a hideous mask, hair that's frizzled and crazy. And they're gonna look at me and be repulsed. And that is what I see, when I look into these mirrors in this room. I know that I need to not see myself via the lens of these mirrors these fears that are being projected back out at me. And so this is what I do fe, I put on some music Whoa, music I have my phone on I blast music as loud as I can music that makes me feel sexy, that makes me feel alive. And I start to feel it in my body and I start to feel it in my swag. And I start to feel good and delicious. And the mirrors shatter, and the doors revealed behind them. And we're able to run through the door and escape
Effy
my house of horrors. Wow. I approach my house of horrors, which is a giant dungeon looking warehouse. Gray and smeared with such all over what's going on. There are windows, but they're so dirty and so glad that you can't see inside. I go in this big concrete building. And as soon as I go in, I imagined a big opening. But no, I'm in a small room. And there are holes all over this room and like what's going on. And suddenly, there are hands coming through the halls. And they're trying to grab me and they're pulling out music tugging at me and I hear wailing and crying and groaning. And I like get away from one hand and I get I get caught on the other one. And then the other one grabs my my leg and the other one grabs my arm. I'm like what's going on? And now from what I'm hearing is like I needed to I need to do this, I need to do that. I can't do this. I can't do that. And I'm like, oh, what's going on? And I realized the thing that scares me the most in relationship is this idea of being needed. Not
needed. Not needed in a nice way but needed. As somebody who can't take care of themselves. I have to be the caretaker that I have to fulfill these needs. And it's only me and there's nobody else and I'm just not enough and there's so much need and there's so much demand. And there's so much caretaking and I just can't do it. Mmm.
Jacqueline
No, we got to get out
Effy
to get out. So I stopped, I pause, I catch my breath or hold on to your hand and I say it's okay. We're going to navigate through this room. We look around. Yes. And I calculate in my head in my head, the optimum distance from each hand by setting great
boundaries. As we navigate through the room, we touch one hand and we round ourselves another one with high five the other one saying no you can do it yourself. And we we move and slide around and find our way to the other side. When we shout back you can do it yourself. I'm watching and supporting you from a healthy boundary distance. Close the door behind us.
Jacqueline
Oh my God, that's terrifying. That is terrifying. So now it's your turn. This Halloween. We want to create a new house of horrors but this time we want you to describe your scary relationship rooms. What does it look like feel like sound like and how were you able to escape? You provide the stories and we will provide The sound effects.
Effy
Think of it as a therapeutic process. We're essentially coming up with metaphors for some of the scariest thoughts we have. Metaphors are a way of feeling into the stories while creating enough distance, so that we can process our feelings around them. This creative way of approaching our fears can shift our perspectives enormously, and allow us to come up with different solutions, reframe our thoughts and lighten their load. Record your story by using a Voice Memo app on your phone and send it to us via email at listening at we are curious foxes.com By Wednesday, October 18.
Jacqueline
And to listen to the full Halloween episode we made, go to Episode 89 or click on the link in our show notes. If you want to share reaction to this conversation, then you can start a conversation of your own on our Facebook group at weird curious foxes. You can also visit our website at we're curious foxes.com for episodes, blog posts, resources on related topics, and so much more all under the umbrella of Love, Sex and Relationships. There are bonus cuts, mini episodes, bloopers, online workshops, and a whole lot more available to you on Patreon. At weird curious boxes. Be sure to share this episode with someone who you think and get a laugh maybe has a story or needs to hear it. If this conversation meant something to you, then you can leave a review on Apple, Spotify audible or wherever you're listening. And if you haven't already, of course, please follow us and leave a rating. This is how the podcast algorithm decides that they're gonna recommend our show to others. And finally, if you have questions, a story that you want to share, or you want to share your scary love sex and relationship story for relationship House of Horrors episode, then you can send it to us via email or voice memo to listening at we are curious foxes.com
Effy
This episode is produced by Effy Blue and Jacqueline Misla. With help from Yağmur Erkişi, our editor is Nina Pollack, who's frightfully good at her job. Our intro music is composed by Deb Zaha, we are so grateful for their work, and we're grateful to you for listening. As always, stay curious friends. Curious Fox podcast is not and will never be the final word on any topic was solely aimed to encourage curiosity and provide a space for exploration through connection and story. We encourage you to listen with an open and curious mind and we'll look forward to your feedback. Stay curious friends. Stay curious and curious, curious, curious, stay curious. Stay curious.
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