Ep 142: Big Dick Energy, the New Year, and the Soap Box

Illustration by the talented @alvarocastrodesign

What is Big Dick Energy (BDE)? What is the difference between having a big dick, being a big dick, and having big dick energy? Can BDE change the way we think of our lives and societies?

In this final episode of the year, Effy and Jacqueline talk about the concept of Big Dick Energy, what it means to embody it, and its potential to disrupt the patriarchy. They parse apart strap-on usage and penis envy to extract their foxy new year wishes. They round off the year with a frustration-fueled Soap Box session.

Happy holidays to all! 

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Jacqueline Misla @jacquelinemisla

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TRANSCRIPT:

Jacqueline Misla

And kind of like the screw you element of it? Have you thought it was about a pebble and big penis? I don't even have a penis.

Effy

Welcome to the curious Fox podcast. For those challenging the status quo in love, sex and relationships. My name is Effy Blue.

Jacqueline Misla

And I'm Jacqueline Misla. And this week, we're talking about big dick energy. Whoo hoo. This is the last episode of 2022. And we want to start off we want to start off the new year talking about big dick energy and feeling a big dick energy. BDE, as I'm gonna say, has been described as confidence without cockiness, no pun intended,

Effy

no pun intended,

Jacqueline Misla

because it is our belief that you do not need a dick to have big energy. And by the way, this is probably the most that I've ever said tic in my entire life.

Effy

It is gonna be a whole episode of talking about dicks.

Jacqueline Misla

Tic in my life or in my vocabulary. So this is gonna be something

Effy

we're going to make up for it right now, when we were making up for it right now, a year's worth of Dick and what? Okay, so this big, big energy business is actually kind of universal. And it does make me think of the daddy episodes that we did, right? It's an attitude, and it's not gender specific. So we looked into it, and we all kind of have an idea of it. But you know, when we when we researched it, that's what we've coming up to. It really makes us think about this idea of daddy. It's about swag. It's about energy. It's about confidence without arrogance, right. Ironically, ironically, I've kind of have a bit of irony there is like confidence without arrogance. However, unlike being a big dick, having a big, having big energy is not aggressive.

Jacqueline Misla

Isn't that interesting? The distinction there. You can be a big dick, which is a bad thing. Or you can have big energy, which is a good thing.

Effy

Exactly. And just because it includes the word dick, it does not have anything to do with a penis, or actually with sex.

Jacqueline Misla

Yes, that is going to be our topic for today is exploring how do we all master that big dick energy? So origins of this so it looks like in the research that we've done the origins and the poppy the popularity of the phrase seems to have come from Twitter. Yeah, exactly. We're, we're all great things emerge. Yeah, Carell grant, whose Twitter handle is im Bob Swagat. claims that he created the phrase, and he used it when he was tweeting about the death of Chef and restaurant tour Andy Bourdain in June of 2018. But then, soon after the fray seems to have exploded on Twitter, when Ariana Grande reportedly used the term to refer to her then boyfriend, Pete Davidson.

Effy

I mean, this blows my mind, right, we read through a dozen articles trying to find the etymology of the word. They all point to these two tweets from June 2018, which just seems like so recent, right? But it feels like this thing has been around for much longer than that, but apparently 2018 Twitter is where it's coming from

Jacqueline Misla

2018 was the year of bd, bd. Exactly.

Effy

And this may be because the feeling and the characteristics that BD embodies, has been around for centuries. It's just not being named that way, right? And the penis has been used in many societies as a representation of manhood and masculinity and power and fertility. And you know, fertility. We discussed this for a while fertility, we mean like legacy and expansion, not fertility, like

Jacqueline Misla

having more children just to have more children, right. Not like because we love children. Exactly. Yeah, having a big penis and just penis energy overall, exactly. We described men who had masculinity, power, fertility, it is like these and even as I'm seeing it, I'm seeing that have a fist in my hand. There's something about like this, right? This is what it's supposed to mean. And it's powerful and, and so we can tap into that but just acknowledging First off, that, that has nothing to do With even though it is related to an actual penis, so I was reflecting on when I feel BDE and actually talking about it not being about the penis, I think that some of the times when I feel the most can big energy is when I'm actually the most high femme, if you will, like all dressed up and dolled up. And, you know, I think part of that is society's prescription of what a woman is supposed to be like. And so if I'm embodying that, maybe that feels powerful. I also get it when I have this, like, I've got this energy, the like, I know what to do here. Don't you worry about it. Like, if I have a really successful meeting, at the end of it. I've had meetings where people have applauded in boardrooms. And I'm like, Yes, I do. That's me, right there. I have that. I feel it. And so it is like, a sense of, I feel good both about myself. And I feel good about what I just did there. I feel good about what I'm contributing that, like, feeds into my big energy.

Effy

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I get that. I get that. I think where I feel it is, when I feel really anchored in my body. Like I feel after doing sports. I feel it after like being super physical, that I feel like my stance change my central gravity drops. And it's kind of walking away. For me, it's kind of wrapped up in like, athleticism. Like, when I feel like I've done you know, I've done really well, you know, rowing or I've done really well in the gym, or whatever I'm doing and I sort of walk away and I can feel my muscles and I can feel my body. And like I can feel in each step. Like I got this. And it's not that I got this interesting because I'm a brain person like you. But it's not like I got this intellectually. It's like, physically, I feel I'm, I'm in my body, and I'm using up every single millimeter that's, like, awarded to me for my physical body. I think that's when I'm like, I'm in my big thick energy. And I do get a swag in my I do get a bit of a bounce in my step. I'm not gonna lie. Like, being out of the gym. I'm like, Uh huh. Oh, yeah, look what I can do.

Jacqueline Misla

That's the thing that like swag. That's the part that's sexy. The energy that comes out that just like the energy that again, it's just it's not arrogant or confident. As soon as you're arrogant or confident, then that switches to the other side. And now you're just a dick. You're great. But when you have that energy, but also show up with sensitivity and show up as fully present and show up, like, well, that combination, you know, thinking about who can I picture in my mind that feels like they have big energy. And actually one of the folks that I thought of right away was Betty White. Right, she's like, I'm gonna say whatever I want Dolly Parton. See what I want? I'm gonna do what I want. And neither of them certainly are women. Sandra Bullock. Sure. I think she has like a little that, like what you describe of coming out the gym and that walk like, I feel like I have that. Like I got this energy from her

Effy

JLo has the same swag. Sure. She rocks it, I think.

Jacqueline Misla

Yes, yes. Yes. Viola Davis. Energy confidence, that like, again, right that I am confident in who I am. And I love it. And I feel good about it. And I am. But without the arrogance, I don't know how to separate that out.

Effy

Do you know what I think it is? It is about being being a big dick, I think is like being self involved. Right? I think it's when you're not thinking about your own, I think is when you look into what's beyond yourself, and you're more mission or purpose or intention driven, that you're not this is saying look, I'm so good. Because when you're there that's like your, your self centered, right? I think big energy is about radiating and being aware of like the things around you and being more focused on that. And more focused on the big picture, the mission, the purpose, the intention, the integrity, the values. I think that's for me, the distinction is that you're not really thinking about yourself, like, Oh, I'm so good. It's when you're beyond that, like that is almost a given. You're not You're not occupying, that's not occupying your rights. Yes.

Jacqueline Misla

I don't even need to think about myself in this situation. Like what are you talking about? Yeah,

Effy

right. Right. And that's what I mean. Like, it's for me, I feel like if I do like sports, I think I think it's the team spirit. Like because I think about okay, are we going to win? Are we going to get there? If I'm rowing? Like, are we gonna do our stroke, you know, strokes. So I think it's that it's when you are in such a place that you're not thinking about yourself, you're done with thinking about yourself, you're resolved your past. That's not really where your mind is at, but you're now thinking about the bigger stuff and you're kind of putting these proverbial big arms out and kind of embracing all the things around you, and you got it.

Jacqueline Misla

Yes, that makes sense to me, because I'm gonna go back to the example that I gave of, you know, having a facilitating a really great meeting, when I am in facilitation mode I am, I don't even know how to describe it. It's kind of like being on stage and being a performer, I am in my body, but not in my own mind. I'm so present in the collective energy that's happening, and thinking about that space and thinking about where it needs to move. And so when it's over, I kind of come back to myself. And then like, Wow, I did that. Like, it's like, it's when you drive home, but you just forget that you're driving, but somehow you make it home, like that kind of shift in consciousness, where I'm just in this other space. And it is about the big picture, it's about the change that we can create together, which also makes sense to me, because the other person that I thought of was Will Smith, who went from having big energy to just being a dick. And the distinction was, at some point, it became about him. And they were all like, Ill Ill, Ill now.

Effy

Also, I think, because you're kind of putting your ego to one side, which I think is what we're talking about here. Your big energy is about kind of putting your ego to one side. I think it's also now you're also looking at generosity, and vulnerability, and openness that goes with that, because you're like, Well, you know, humility, right? I think that I think the more that we're talking about, the more I'm realizing is actually kind of the big energy is the absence of ego. Yes. Right. And when you take ego away, what are you left with? You're left with compassion, you're left with confidence, you're left with integrity, you're left with generosity, right? You're left with vulnerability, like it doesn't. I feel like you know, with a big energy, you can cry. And you're not worried about what that means. What that signals to the other person, you're just like, you see that you see these grown ass huge, like, adults, athletes cry because they just like want something or they feel strongly. It's like, you're just in that experience in such a way that nothing, nothing else matters. And you're like, your ego has kind of left the one side I think that's what basic energy is.

Jacqueline Misla

Yes to all those things. I think the thing that I struggle with as per the fact that I never use say the word dick is that it is attached to a penis that this that we're talking that this feeling this swag and all the examples that I honestly except for Will Smith, were women. And so clearly, I feel like that swag is genderless but I struggle with the fact that we have to include penis language, in this energetic swag that we're talking about.

Effy

I get that I felt resistant to that initially as well. That was just like, why is it always like men and the penis is getting all the power right? Because like, that's what it is when when you pass apart the when we pass apart these concepts, we have come to realize that the penis is the simple symbol for manhood and masculinity. But ultimately, we feel this phallic appendage with with all the power and authority, right? I what I like is, as a woman, me taking that that energy without even having the phallic appendage right that I can, I can reclaim it for myself that it is the power of it. This idea of the big energy is the power we imbued on this on the fabric appendage right i like that i can reclaim it as a woman, I can take the concepts of it, the idea of it, the swagger of it, and really fully embody and identify as a woman, I entered a fully identify as a woman. And to kind of just say, I want to step into that big energy. I feel like I'm claiming I'm claiming that and I feel good about that. It's a bit like claiming sluts. Submit, like claiming, you know, the queer requiere used to be a slur we now like reclaimed it. Black folks claim, you know, reclaim the N word. It's like kind of saying, you're trying to use this against me, but you know what, I'm gonna take it I'm going to embody it and it's going to be all about me. That's why I'm not I'm not that mad or that I'm not that initially I was mad at it. I'm not so mad anymore.

Jacqueline Misla

Still a little resistant particularly also because I think it continues the myth that a large penis is what's important, right? The size of one's penis is actually what gives you that manhood and that strength which is just not true. But I do think based on what you're saying I kind of like the screw you element of it. Have you thought it was about having a big penis? I don't even have a penis and I'm it to like I could get on board with that.

Effy

Yeah. What I like about these these like ironies and and the sort of these these warped paradoxes that were around this idea and it's like, it's kind of funny that this this thing, the silly thing that came out have Twitter. But when you think about it, and the more you think about, it actually really challenges so much of the status quo and so much of what we understand about gender and power and all that kind of stuff. And even though we're saying like big dick energy, which on the surface, we're looking at penises, and the size of penises, but when the big energy is used, just as a concept, it doesn't require a penis. It doesn't. It has nothing to do with the size of it.

Jacqueline Misla

Yes. Okay, what about this? You know what I can get behind the strap on energy? Oh, yeah. First of all, I mean, I was gonna make a joke about I absolutely can actually get behind that. But we're, but um, but I think yeah, there's something about that, you know, I'm saying within kind of the queer space and the lesbian world, the big strap on energy that embodies the same thing. It's like, we don't have any illnesses. But we have that same swag and energy and like, right now my body is making the motion. I don't even have the words for it of just like that charisma that people are drawn to. Yeah, that lives in strap on world.

Effy

Yeah, for sure. I do love myself a strap on? I do. I do. I like wearing them. I have to be honest with you. I resisted strap ons for a long time. Because I am attached to being a woman. Like, I like my womanhood. I really do work to embody my womanhood and I like it. And the idea of a strap on was like, I don't need that. I don't need to pretend penis to feel whatever I had some story, right? But then I only okay, I try everything. So I'll just try it. And I was like, Oh, I really like it. And when I when I wear it, I don't really think of myself as a as a man. The way do you feel like I step into like, gay male energy. Like, I feel like my my energy would have strap on as a gay male energy. But I don't necessarily suddenly think now I'm a man. I kind of like having like this tool, like this. male

Jacqueline Misla

energy. Tell me more about that.

Effy

I like using it on men. I like using a strap on a men. I actually don't necessarily like using strap on women. Got it. I'm a big fan of hands and mouth in general. I just don't I don't the things. The things distract me. They're fun. But I feel like you need to have a toy session. Like, to me that's a toy session. I don't randomly pull toys into my play sessions. And with women. I don't know why I prefer hands a mouse. And, you know, if I'm with somebody that like strap on, I'm like, Sure, of course, I'll do anything. But it's just not something that I'm interested in doing. When I put the strap on I usually do it. Because I'm going to play with men. That's why I'm saying it feels like gay male energy because like I put a strap on now I'm looking for boats.

Jacqueline Misla

Got it, guys. You

Effy

know what I mean? When I take it off. I'm kind of looking for anyone. Like I'm really like, gender is not gender does not come into my like, into my searching my radar. Like it's like cute. Cute. Cute. Cute. Like, right. But when I put on a strap on, I am looking for men.

Jacqueline Misla

And do you feel more confident when you have a strap on? Or not even more confident? Do you feel confident? Maybe that's the question.

Effy

I don't feel more confident. I feel confident as I do in sexual spaces. Mm hmm. But my like my entire body changes. Like, I my weight distribution changes. My stance change the way that I look at the crowd changes. It's not necessarily like, more or less confident. I just feel like I step into being just different from me without a strap on.

Jacqueline Misla

Hmm. And I know we've talked about this in your mind when you're using a strap on and you're playing in that way that doesn't deescalate the man that you are with it actually feels like it does the opposite.

Effy

Right? I think that's exactly why I think is gay male energy. I don't then going well. You're my bitch. Like I don't or I don't think of like the person that I'm having sex with to be feminine or, uh, yeah, I mean, essentially the answer questions is not that's why I think it's it's more of gay male energy. Mm hmm. I have a more of a like a rough and tumble kind of an attitude to it. More of like, less frilly. More of a rough and tumble kind of attitude towards it.

Jacqueline Misla

Have you ever worn a strap on outside of a play experience outside of sex and just like went to the corner store in life that's a good experiment. Yeah, have you know,

Effy

I have Have you ever worn a strap on?

Jacqueline Misla

I haven't. Oh no, I mean, I played with all sorts of things that are shaped in that way but none of them that were attached to me whilst playing.

Effy

Is there a reason why you resist them like I was. Are you are you resisting? Oh

Jacqueline Misla

my god. No, no, no, it was just more like me. preferences of my partner like that wasn't something that they were into. But I would be interested in just wearing I feel like I would just it would get in my way. I let me say this first of all, I coveted penis. No, we're not talking about penis envy. I had it not because of the energy of penises, but number one, in the beginning of my, like, sexual experiences when I didn't know whether or not I was having an orgasm until I had an orgasm. And then I was like, oh, that's what that is. Before that happened. I was like, Man, I wish I had a penis, because then I would just know, in my mind like ejaculation would be like, there it is. And I would just know, of course, being able to pee anywhere. And having a short line, as the line to the women's bathroom is terrible. So there were moments where I was like, Oh, I would like that. But the idea of like, erections all the time, and things like that. Not interested. Not interested, because I get turned on all the time. And so if I had if that, like visibly showed, that would be problematic.

Effy

No, I get that I don't. That's what I mean. I don't, I don't have penis envy. I really don't seek a penis. I don't want a penis. And that's one of the reasons why I resisted the chaperone for such a long time. Because I'm like, I don't want one. I don't want anything to do with it. And I think we know at least for me, strap ons and an actual anatomical penis. I don't know, there. There's just some. In my mind, they're not the same thing. Like when I put on a strap on, I know is a strap on. It feels like a tool. It doesn't make me go, Oh, I really want a penis. You know? Yeah, I also like the mental fuckery of it, I think.

Jacqueline Misla

Yeah, we did an episode with Lola Jean on strap ons. And one of the things I remember her talking about is it does take a certain level of confidence and proficiency to use it well because you're like matching rhythm and you know, all these kinds of other things. And so I do think, you know, my partner, Alicia, if someone if they put it on there is this like, ooh, like, Oh, wow. You can use that like?

Effy

toy for sure. Yeah, you are a ninja level. Sure. Yeah. Hard, either. Hard to use for sure. You need to practice. Yeah, nice. Practice. Also, your hips, female hips positioning anatomically is different from male hip positioning. So you actually don't have the right hip positioning anatomically in your skeleton. Yeah, to be to be thrusting a penis so yes, exactly. So you need to actually like it is hard. You need to put one on how exactly you need to use like, like real low abdominal muscles. Yeah, great abs by the way, like if you going towards a six pack like the bottom two. It got these great workout for your I

Jacqueline Misla

love the idea of someone being on the beach. And then someone be like, Oh my God, you look fantastic. What are you doing and they're like strapping ones. I'm using strap on. To be so strong.

Effy

It's like the proper crunches. It's like when you doing crunches in the gym, you can like half do crunches and you look like you're doing crunches. You can't get away with doing shitty crunches when you have a strap long. You have to do the crunches the proper way every stroke.

Jacqueline Misla

It's so funny. Yeah, recently after, you know, my partner and I the next day, she was like my God, I feel sore. Like if I was at the gym, she says she was just like, I feel like I worked out my whole lol my muscles are tight and tense. And that's so funny. So that makes sense to me. Because I like the idea that number one of certainly that energy, the big energy and strap on energy within play spaces and sexual experiences, right? Like you want to be in your body. You want to be fully present, you want to feel confident, you want to feel like you communicate, you don't want your ego to be there, like all of that. Yes. And then I love carrying that outside into the world, not the strap on unless you want to please tell me if you wear wear it in like your day to day outside of sexual experiences. I would love to know what that feels like. And maybe I need to do that myself to see. But I'd love just that the energy of that swag again, that confidence. It is something beyond gender, it is something that is beyond appendages that we can all have that we can all embody.

Effy

Yeah, as a woman, I think this idea of basic energy helps me and I think I you know, helps us potentially to really like reclaim the masculine allocated power and kind of be that confident, generous, not ego driven, but confidence driven, driven selves. And I think for men, it's good because it challenges this idea that all your worth and all your you know success in the world is somehow directly correlate to the size of your physical side of your size of your penis, right? If women can really embody big energy when they don't have a penis, right? As men you can challenge that idea that oh, the size of your penis is like the most important thing in the world which is a crazy rhetoric that's out there right? And they realize that you don't you can you can embody This energy, if people would know, penises can embody this energy you with a penis of any size can really embody that energy. And you can actually de escalate the importance of the size of the penis, right? Yes. And I think queer folk are exactly where we can learn from this stuff, right? The queer folks have this nail down, they have separated the appendages and the cavities from their self expression and their energy and vibe. And I think there's a lot that we can learn from that.

Jacqueline Misla

Yes, yes. And I want to go back to we just had a conversation with Dr. Ian kurtter, who wrote, she comes first. And we were talking to him about sex therapy when he talks a little bit about his book. But if you're if you're like, But how then can I please her without a large penis, get the book, because it's a tutorial around those things. And then listen to the episode about sex therapy, because actually, that can be really helpful space to like, work all of these things out. I think, for me, being able to embody feeling confident, without having to pretend that I was in a porno, because that was just a projection of confidence. But it was not actual confidence, I actually felt the worst about myself when I was trying to pretend to be something else, that being truly in my body was what felt confident. And that's the energy I want to bring into to the new the new year, I want to have less ego, fully in my body, fully confident that I may not know what to do in every moment or what the future holds. But I'm confident in myself that I can navigate through it. Yes, that I think is the biggest tick energy that I want to carry.

Effy

Exactly, I think spot on. I think that's where I find myself to and this idea exactly what you said, which I think there's a misconception when people say it's going to be okay. That sentiment is like, Oh, nothing bad is gonna happen. I think that when someone says it's going to be okay. I think what they mean is, you're going to be able to handle what's coming. Yeah. Like, it's going to be okay, as then you're going to be able to handle it. Not everything's gonna be problems and rainbows, because it's not, but there is a ceiling of whatever's coming out you,

Jacqueline Misla

you gotta be okay, handling it. Yes, yeah. Because the world is going to continue to get harder, right? Like, we kept being like, after the pen after COVID, after the pandemic, after this after the, you know, the presidency of the like, and it's still not great. It's still just a big old, you know, garbage fire. And so we have to anticipate some garbage fires to come. But that sense of okay, but I still got this. And that was, that was actually a parenting shifts that I had to make that at some point, you know, I think all of us, as parents potentially are taught to help your children be safe in the in the world that they're going to be in. And so you do that by helping them conform, be quiet, sit down, don't say that. Don't do that. Don't wear that, right, you're trying to. And the shift that I made eventually, as a parent is I have no idea the kind of world that she's going to be in. So my parenting focus is on helping her know and trust herself so deeply, that she will be able to navigate any world that she has. That is big energy. It's like an I got this no matter the circumstances, because I believe in my own ability to rest to reflect, to act to whatever that means.

Effy

Right? Right. Exactly. And when you are in that state, that's when you don't need the ego anyway. Right? The ego steps in when you don't feel any of that stuff. And ego is your, your defense, right? Ego it we know that, you know, we talk about this pride is the inflammation of the ego around the insecurity to protect the psyche, right is the same. So you

Jacqueline Misla

need to say that again and break that down. I know you said it several times. So it feels real, just like quick in your mind, that visual is really important. So I'm gonna ask you to say it again.

Effy

Okay? So pride is the inflammation of the ego, around an insecurity to protect the psyche. Essentially, it's like inflammation in the body, you get an injury, the body sends a bunch of fluids around the injury to protect the area, right? So that's it, that's what we call inflammation, which is helpful at the beginning, and then becomes a huge issue down the line, right? Essentially, that's what's happening around around our brain. Pride is that inflammation, we have an insecurity. And it affects it's affecting the psyche, right of our psyche or psychology. So the ego in flames around the insecurity to protect us. Right? And if it doesn't then sort itself out, then it becomes pride. So when someone's prideful about something, is just saying whatever it is that they're prideful about, they have an insecurity around it.

Jacqueline Misla

Yes. Which is why we often go to anger before we go to any other kind of vulnerable emotion because anger feels more powerful. So if I feel hurt, or I feel disrespected, or if I My first reaction is anger as opposed to feeling vulnerable, feeling unseen, feeling sad. I'm like, just pissed, because pissed Is that is that inflammation is, is protecting the vulnerability.

Effy

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. So I think when you have nailed that stuff down when you You feel good in yourself and you're, you know, aware of everybody else and you're feeling, you know, generous and confident and all those things. The ego doesn't need to inflame, right? It is to one side. So I think it's like both of these things. When you're in big energy, you have to put the ego to one side, like that is a big energy, right? And I think to be able to do that, to, to not need the ego to come and save the psyche, then you need to be able to, you know, be comfortable in your own skin, accept yourself, tolerate yourself, and, you know, feel like it's going to be okay, I'm going to be able to handle it. And then I think you're exactly right, then we got big energy.

Jacqueline Misla

Yes. And I love the fact what you were saying about reclaiming that word. If If big energy means that I'm fucking the patriarchy, or strap on pegging the patriarchy, then all better for it, then yes, let's let's eliminate the ego, let's get let's step into who we actually are. And let's fuck the patriarchy in the process.

Effy

Exactly, exactly. And, you know, we do a lot of writing for the shows. And then we, you know, we don't say everything that we write, and then there's things on the cutting floor. And as we speak, we're going to break the fourth wall here, as we're going to our scripts and saying what's in what's out. There is a line, it's in my voice, so I'm going to claim it I can tell I written it, but I feel like it's a good way to just like put a knife somewhere along the line I've written in a world currently challenging gender norms. What if we castrate the penis, from the male gender in an effort to fuck the patriarchal ideology, and claim the big energy? Yes,

Jacqueline Misla

castrate the penis, in an effort to fuck patriarchal ideology. Now, for all of you who have penises, let's let's pause for a second. I just want we're not talking about your actual penis. We love us some penises here in the curious Fox space.

Effy

I mean, I just want to say I literally do love a bit of a penis. So I just wanted I know that Jackie's like, I mean, I do love a penis, I just I do stand by the penis.

Jacqueline Misla

Yes, we did. We also had a long conversation about that, where I was trying to convince her that a strap on can be just as good as a penis. And she held tight and said, Absolutely not. penises are very different. But I think what we're talking about is the energy that we've been experiencing in our politics in our world, in our, you know, societies and our family structures in our relationships that feel like they're driven by this being a big dick. And that ego actually being the thing that's getting in the way, and instead wanting to for ourselves, for the listeners and for the world to move from being a big dick to having big energy, which means less ego, more confidence, more vulnerability, more standing in who you are more fully present. That's what we mean. So let's castrate the hell out of that. And let's bring forth confident, empathetic human beings.

Effy

Love that. And those are wishes for 2023.

Jacqueline Misla

So if and when you feel that feeling that big energy feeling, pay attention to it, figure out what created that feeling. And do more of that do not make yourself smaller in 2023 reclaim the power that was taken away from you or used against you. And 2023 the year the big tech energy, totes, hashtag, you got it, we got to put it on Twitter right away. Because that's the place where this

Effy

23 The year of the BDE that year of the BDE is gonna be a hashtag, we're gonna put it out there. Totally. I love that. I totally love that. That's gonna be my gift to 2023. And our bonus gift to you. Before we end the year is a soapbox. So we haven't done a soapbox for a long time. If you're a new listener, soapbox is something that we invented because we wanted to vent our episodes are always thought through balanced. You know with very little frills, just good story is good information. And we do leave the rants on the cutting floor. And every now and then we just don't want to do that we want to come in here and we want to vent and for that we gave ourselves a little bit of space. We call it the soapbox, get on there, we do our thing and we get off.

Jacqueline Misla

You can go on look search for any of the names that say at some point, say so bucks in it and you can go listen to it. They're always at the end. We go find them because you we don't get mad a lot. We get animated. We get excited. But sometimes in these soapboxes, we get a little I don't know how to finish that sentence, beginning

Effy

fully, fully self expressed. And that self expression has a tinge of anger which we know is healthy. According to the APA, anger is a positive reaction. So that's why we went vent our anger. And as we come to the end of the year, Jacqueline here, asked to get on the soapbox and Paul Are we obliged? So yeah, Jacqueline missed that soapbox. Take it away.

Jacqueline Misla

Ah, so I have COVID That's actually the end of the episode this is third time Yes, vaccinated, all boosters, all the things and still, you know live in New York trains and tourists particularly now in the holidays. And it's got me once again, with this my my find friends out in listener land is the second time I've had COVID over Christmas. Last year, all of our Christmas plans were canceled. Because the 23rd I found out that I had COVID. And with my wife and her family, we host on the 24th we do Feast of the Seven Fishes. Every week, we had lots and lots of fishes in the freezer, there was the lobsters and the shrimps and the mussels. And they were all there. And we were all decorated and there was a tree and nobody could come over. Because I had COVID And so we had to my wife, like packed everything up and like drove all the food to everybody. And I was just at home and sad. And guess what, y'all? I'm not gonna be able to do Christmas Eve, because I have COVID Can you what are the chances Fe blue? Like this is in the air? What are the chance Why? Why can't I celebrate Christmas anymore? Why must they be allowed for Christmas?

Effy

I think you ruined your Christmas coma when you tried to cancel it.

Jacqueline Misla

Oh my god. Alright, so Okay, so I now I have to tell that story. So if you again, new listeners to the show, I'm going to share a little snippet about myself. If you've heard this story, stay and stay in laugh along with us. The way that actually Effie and I met was I was one of those folks who Googled at three in the morning. Help non monogamy relationship crumbling, my almost to be wife we were a few few weeks before our wedding. You know, I found out that she was in love with somebody else. We were open but that wasn't the way we that I planned on doing it. There's a whole episode about it about the earthquake and infidelity. You can go listen to the details of all of that. But what happened was we started to go to Fe we started to do sessions things were getting better. But then my stupid ass brought my wife to a curious Fox event. This was before it was part of the curious Fox Stroud brought her and at some point in the it was a panel discussion around age and non monogamy someone mentioned non hierarchy and relationship anarchy. And I'm sitting in my Seagull and that's wild. That's crazy. Absolutely not. Right. So that night we go home nothing that we started preparing for the holidays is now the day before the Eve we're getting everything ready. I don't know where she's like, you know, I've been thinking a lot about that workshop and this idea of non hierarchy and and, and you know, relationship anarchy. And that really speaks to me, I think that that is the way I would want to move our relationship To which I responded Christmas is now cancelled. We cannot have Christmas and relationship anarchy and not hierarchy. No, no, there are no presence involved in non hierarchy. There are no there are no Carols that happen when we are when we have relationship anarchy. I was just not there. Now, of course, the irony is now in Pali Fidelis and I actually split my time between my partner and my wife and I live in two different places. And every week I go back and forth. And so I have completely embodied that thing that I was so resistant to many years later, and after a lot of work and sessions with Effie, but that is true. And so then actually, then we did an emergency phone call. Now I'm pacing the house. I'm like, we're gonna call people. That's it. We're gonna tell them stay home, Christmas is canceled. And so as I'm doing that, my wife is like frantically texting Effie. Like we need an emergency session. And we do like an emergency FaceTime. And, and yeah, and you had to like talk me off the canceling Christmas ledge. And so you're saying now because I wanted to cancel Christmas quizzes has been canceled for me. But I think I've been doing so much work I'm so much better now. I

Effy

know you don't deserve this. You don't think you? You don't deserve this? You don't. I just think that you know, Karma is a bitch. But you don't deserve it. You've definitely made amends. You've been in integrity you've been excellent so much work. So maybe this is the end of it. Maybe now karma is balanced and then you're going to have nothing but joyful Christmases till the end of time.

Jacqueline Misla

Okay, I'm gonna actually reframe this now because as we're saying this another thought came to mind because I was about to call karma big dick but that's actually not cool because karma has big energy and you

Effy

don't want to call quorum.

Jacqueline Misla

Karma I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. Well, actually, what I realized is you know, I spent New Year's you know, Christmas last year my own and same is gonna happen not New Year's, but same will happen on Christmas this year. And actually, that may be a good thing, because I go back and forth between two houses. I am never by myself. Each My partner's both my wife and my partner have a week to themselves. They can do anything they want. They can walk around, watching anything eaten anything scratching anything, they can do all the things. I am never alone. I'm always living with somebody. And so maybe this is actually supposed to be a Christmas gift. See this turned in from a soapbox to like a revelation. I was really mad. I mean, I'm still kind of mad because I wish there was another way I would have liked solitude, not over a holiday. But maybe I need to reframe it and embrace the time with myself and walk around and watch all the things and you know things and scratch all the things that's that's what I'm watching for myself. Now. This Christmas, maybe

Effy

that's what karma actually doing. It's not punishing you but is its gifting you and you just don't realize, yes. You don't realize the karma has, you know, it has our ways and maybe this is just, you know, karma telling you. You know what, it's been a long year, you've been shuttling back and forth. How about I gift you a week where you don't see anyone? Just happens to be over Christmas, but that is a Christmas gift?

Jacqueline Misla

Yeah, more. But it's true. I mean, karma has taught me this lesson before I keep forgetting every time I get sick or have a migraine. It's because I've pushed myself too hard. So I think karma is screaming really loud right now. Like my body is like you need to rest. So okay, I heard you body. I heard you karma. I heard you. COVID. Can COVID be a big dick? Yeah, I'm gonna Yeah, stick with that. COVID Yes, big

Effy

big. The giant dick. Not in a good way.

Jacqueline Misla

Wishing all of us a COVID free big dick energy strong. Ego, Lis confidence, loving all the amazing adjectives New Year wishing that to you my best friend Fe blue. And wishing that to all of our

Effy

listeners. d tau? I can't. I can't make what you've just said any better. I subscribed everything that you're saying and my wishes back to you healthy. I wish you health in addition to everything that you said. And yay, 2023. Let's see what that let's see what she's got to throw at us.

Jacqueline Misla

Yeah, we're ready. Check us out on our website, and Instagram and Facebook all under the name. We're curious foxes. We've also been updating our website to make it easier for you to find the blog posts and the podcast episodes and the resources that you're curious about. So go onto we're curious foxes.com And you can find your portal your foxhole if you will, into all things curiosity. If you found us to be interesting, funny, helpful in any way. Share this. This is a gift this is a season of giving. What a beautiful thing to give curiosity to those in your lives by passing on our podcast and you can give us a gift. Give us a gift by right now. This second it's gonna take you one second, just click on subscribe or click on follow if you're on Spotify or Stitcher apple. And then let us know that you love it. Put a comment put a star something to let us know that you're out there and you're listening. And then if you want to support the show, even better go to Patreon go to we're curious Fox is so many other things Effie and Jackie behind the scenes, many episodes, videos from educators with over 50 educational videos of different workshops that we've done over the past few years. All they're all waiting for you. And lastly, if you want to send us some New Year's wishes, then you can give us a call at 646-450-9079 or shoot us an email at listening at we are curious foxes.com

Effy

This episode is produced by Effy Blue and Jacqueline Misla with help from Yağmur Erkişi, our editor in Nina Pollock, who totally has big energy. Our intro music is composed by dev Saha. We are so grateful for their work, and we're grateful to you for listening. As always, stay curious friends. And have your rambling. Also content warning. This is probably an episode where we're going to say dick the most I don't think like as if I have a penis that I want to bounce but anyway.

Jacqueline Misla

Yes, if we castrate the penis from the male gender and the patriarchal ideology, that is definitely you. Right. And we did it before 12 o'clock.

Effy

That is I didn't think we were

Jacqueline Misla

gonna make it. We thought it would make Yeah, we did. Because we have big energy.

Effy

Big energy. Are we gonna do an outro? Oh, yeah, that's right. Oh, yes. Curious Fox podcast is not and will never be the final word on any topic, was solely aimed to encourage curiosity and provide a space for exploration through connection and story. We encourage you to listen with an open and curious mind, and we'll look forward to your feedback. Stay curious friends.

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