Queer and Monogamous: How to Balance Attraction and Fidelity
Illustration by Flash Rosalia (@annalisejensen)
How can LGBTQ folks explore the full scope of their attraction if they are in a monogamous relationship? How can we stay within integrity and still tap into our desire to connect with people of different genders?
Maybe you are queer, pansexual, bisexual, or curious, and in monogamous relationship or in multiple relationships with sexual fidelity as an agreement that don’t allow for sexual exploration with others (eg. polyfidelity).
Whether you are in a monogamous relationship with someone of the same or opposite sex, not expressing the full range of our attraction because of the agreed upon construct of our union can feel limiting and reductive of the essence of who we are. Being in a monogamous relationship with someone of the opposite sex does not take away your queerness.
Non-monogamy is not always the answer
Being queer is one of the top three reasons why people initiate conversations about opening up their relationships. Be it via play parties, casual dating, or serious relationships, some people design relationships that make room for this kind of exploration and connection.
However, monogamy is a perfectly viable option for anyone regardless of their sexual orientation. If you have chosen monogamy and thrive in that relationship structure, that is wonderful. Know that you do not need to trade in expressing yourself fully just because you have committed to one person.
Here are 6 tips to help you explore the full scope of your attraction, while staying in integrity within your monogamous relationship.
1. Get clear on your why
First, get clear on why you have chosen monogamy. How does monogamy fit into your values or vision for your life? If you have chosen monogamy because that is what your partner wants, that may lead to resentment in the future. Similarly if you have chosen monogamy to avoid jealousy, that motivation does not ground you in what you want to move towards together.
Aligning your choice with your values and vision will remind you why you have decided to trade sexual exploration for a committed partnership. Instead of viewing your relationship via its limitations, this alignment can help you ground yourself in what you and your partner are creating together.
Second, get clear on why you would like to explore your bi, pan, or queer sexuality. Do an internal audit and ask yourself: Why do I want to explore connection with those of a different gender? What are my needs, wants, and desires? How do I want to feel in these explorations?
You may want to be actively engaged in the LGBTQ community, or to have close relationships with those of a different gender beyond friendships. You may simply want to kiss someone else or express your attraction by holding their hand. Just a note, be careful not to review your desires as fixed. You may simply desire to kiss someone else at this moment, but if given the opportunity, your desire may evolve into wanting more. It is important for you and your partner to know that your desires may change over time. Be open, empathetic, and honest about those changes, with yourself and your partner. At the same time, don’t forget that we are always the final decision maker when it comes to acting on our desires.
Ask yourself: What is being met in your current relationship, and where are the gaps? What do you wish that you could explore with other people?
The answer to that last question may be that you would like to have sexual experiences with other people. If you have chosen monogamy, however, that is likely not an option. So how can we tap into our attraction for others if sex is off the table?
2. Name and claim your identity
An important step towards honoring your queerness is to name it, first with yourself and then with others.
Identify openly as bi, pan, queer, etc. to your partner and friends, and if possible, to your family and community. Being seen as a straight person in a straight relationship can feel as if you are denying an important part of who you are. Claiming your identity can open the door to new conversations and experiences, and can lighten the burden you may be holding by trying to keep your desires to yourself.
Another way to explore and stand in your identity is through community. Spend time with LGBTQ people, read queer books, spend time in queer spaces, and engage in advocacy around issues that impact the LGBTQ community. Create space in your friendship circle and your calendar to prioritize people and experiences that tap into the fullness of your identity and orientation.
3. Discuss and co-create with your partner
Speak with your partner about who you are and what you want, and co-create an adventure into queerness that stays within the boundaries of your agreements.
Feeling seen, heard, and understood is an important part of any relationship. Acknowledging your desires can create the freedom for you to share your attractions and your challenges honoring yourself and your commitment to your relationship.
Inviting your partner into this journey will deepen the honesty, and hopefully also the closeness, between you. This invitation can include reading books together, attending LGBTQ events, and connecting them with a community that can help them be a strong ally and partner.
Your exploration into your sexuality, even within the boundaries of your relationship agreement, can be scary for your partner. As much as they love and support you, they are likely navigating through fear and feelings of exclusion. Reassuring your partner that you are committed to your relationship because you want monogamy and value committed partnership over sexual exploration, and inviting them to honor your identity and help you explore it within the agreements of your relationship, can help them feel like a true partner in this experience and not simply a bystander to it.
4. Explore different types of intimacy
While sexual intimacy is often the first thing that comes to mind when thinking about exploring ones sexuality, it is not the only way to have connection to people of different genders. Emotional intimacy can help you feel seen and cared for in ways that you may not be getting through your romantic partnership.
From fun friend-dates to four hour phone calls to deep emotional connection, there are ways in which you can tap into your attraction to someone else without taking off your clothes. One such connection is a queerplatonic relationship.
Queerplatonic relationships are non-sexual, non-romantic relationships that go beyond what is considered a typical friendship. Originating from aromantic and asexual spaces in the LGBTQ community, queerplatonic relationships involve a more profound emotional bond than friendship, and can be considered to be as significant as a romantic partner.
It is important to name that emotional intimacy can turn into physical intimacy without clear boundaries and a shared commitment to honor your monogamous romantic partnership. And depending on your relationship agreements with your partner, deep emotional intimacy may cross the line into a level of closeness that is reserved for your partner. Get clear with yourself, your partner, and your close friend(s) about what is available and what is not; and ground yourself in how monogamy aligns with your values and vision for your life to stave off resentment towards your partner or your relationship.
5. Use your imagination
The mind is a powerful tool.
The idea of a friend being mad at you, a partner cheating on you, or a boss wanting to terminate you can trigger very real emotions and physical reactions that cause you to react to these imagined thoughts as if they were real. That type of thinking is not helpful, however it illustrates the power of the mind to turn stories into embodied experiences.
Just as the stories that you tell yourself can be the cause of your anxiety, your imagination can also be the source of your delight.
Create an internal world where you can indulge in your sexual and romantic fantasies. Watch or listen to queer porn, read queer erotica, and make time and space for self play. Leverage your mind to tap into your desire and self-pleasure.
6. Open the door to exploration
Introducing new energy, fantasies, and sexual play into your romantic relationship can also be a way to explore your attraction to other genders. While sex with your partner is not the same as sex with a person of another gender, there are opportunities to try new things that get you close to experiencing the energy, novelty, and connection found in sex with someone else.
Start by thinking about how you would want to feel during a sexual experience with someone from a different gender. Do you want to feel cared for, dominated, curious, wild, etc.? It is important to distinguish what you want to do from how you want to feel. For example, knowing that you want to feel submissive, in control, untethered, or the combination of pain and pleasure is different than knowing that you want to use a paddle or rope. Your experience will change depending on how the paddle or rope is used and the energy that sexual partners bring to that experience.
Similarly, understanding how you want to feel during sex with someone of a different gender can give you and your partner a roadmap for how to design new sexual experiences.
For example, think about the sex you and your partner currently have, and consider if any parts of your sexual routine are based on heteronormative concepts of sexual gender roles. If you are in a straight relationship, think about whether there are opportunities to switch or play with masculine and feminine energy. Consider how role play, cosplay and gender bending can be used to step into new energy, new personas, and new sexual adventures.
Curate an audio or visual queer porn queue for you and your partner to watch together. Tell your partner about your fantasies in detail, or read queer erotica together and tap into the energy that is created. Co-create scenarios, like having a three-some with someone of a different gender, and talk about what that experience would feel like as you touch.
If you and your partner are open to it, attend a play party where you can be voyeurs to queer sex while committing to only engaging with each other. Not only can you feed off of the energy in the room, you can capture mental videos that you will be able to use along or with your partner in the future.
Focus on creation vs limitation
No matter the strategy, reframe the prohibitions of your chosen relationship construct as a choice that allows you to create something versus limiting or preventing something. Ground yourself in knowing that choosing monogamy is not inherently denying your identity. A monk may have chosen celibacy despite having a natural sex drive because they are clear that their abstinence reinforces their connection to their higher power thus not feel resentful. This kind of grounding is necessary for creativity and curiosity which are essential for us to find ways to feel fully self expressed, seen, heard, accepted, and celebrated, solo or in collaboration with our partner.
This blog was inspired by a question we received from a podcast listener. You can listen to episode 117 here.
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