Ep 128: Sex Toys a Go Go: Finding The One with Dirty Lola
Art by @alvarocastrodesign
Why would anyone use sex toys? How do toys enhance the sexual experience? How do you find the right toy and where can you get them? And how do you avoid internal frostbite???
Effy and Jacqueline catch up with a long time Friend of the Fox, co-host of Netflix’s Principles of Pleasure, and the creator and host of Sex Ed a Go Go, Dirty Lola, to talk all about sex toys. Self proclaimed dildo swinger, Lola talked through shapes, sizes, materials of classic toys as well as new products on the shelves. They discuss how to bring up toys with partners, how to take care of your prize possessions, and bust any myths and misunderstandings that are out there about sex toys.
More about Dirty Lola
Dirty Lola is a sex edutainer, speaker, and self-proclaimed dildo slinger. Known for her live sex ed Q&A show Sex Ed A Go-Go and as a Sexpert on the Netflix docuseries The Principles of Pleasure, Lola has spent almost a decade working to end the stigma and shame surrounding sex and sexuality. Having started her journey sharing personal discoveries with polyamory and kink online, Lola now uses her knowledge, warm candor, and public platforms to teach the masses in person and to rapt Internet audiences.
To learn more about Dirty Lola follow her on social media:
Twitter: @DirtyLola & IG: @DirtyLola
DirtyLola.co
To find more about Effy Blue and Jacqueline Misla, follow them at @wearecuriousfoxes, @coacheffyblue, and @jacquelinemisla
on Instagram.
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TRANSCRIPT:
Effy
Welcome to the Curious Fox podcast for those challenging the status quo in love, sex, and relationships. My name is Effy Blue.
Jacqueline
And I'm Jacqueline Misla. And today we're talking about sex toys. Mm hmm. I feel like normally I have a much more eloquent introduction than that. But I'm going straight to it. I feel like yeah, when we I was thinking about this earlier, when we grow up, we have to take on a lot of boring tasks, because I know that I would rather be spending time blowing bubbles and swinging on swings and rolling down hills. And instead I am buying groceries and answering emails and cleaning the kitchen for the 100th time. Wow. And so I as I was preparing for this, I was thinking about episode 49 that we did boredom and sex as a hobby. And we talked about that sex is a way to engage in grown up play. And like all fun and games, it's always better when you add some toys.
Effy
Yes, yes. Toys just make everything better. You know? Okay, let's talk about toys. I am curious. If you remember when you realize that sex toys were a thing like that there was like specialized toys for sex for sexual pleasure.
Jacqueline
So there's a few answers to that. I think I probably where I learned most of my sexual information as a young person was via Cinemax and HBO at night. And so I'm sure at some point, I've saw things being used there. I don't think I used anything for a long time. I remember, as an adolescent, oh, at some point, he sees a belt. Now not in the way that I think people think people use a belt. But like, Oh, God, I'm gonna regret saying this. But essentially, like holding one side on the front holding one side of the back up if you will, almost like a very uncomfortable. So exactly. That was during my like, if I you know, as many kind of religious young people, if I don't actually touch it, maybe it doesn't count. And so like if you want something or use other things, that doesn't actually count that was that was kind of the narrative in my head. So I remember that. And then in high school, I remember so when I was I was messing around with one time we were we were messing around. And he was like, I'll be right back and came back with a cucumber. That was carved into the shape of Venus.
Effy
Wow, imaginative. I don't know. I mean, it's a little awkward, but it's kind of imaginative. Give him give him some points for imagination and creativity.
Jacqueline
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then he was definitely like, oh, he that he was gonna have a salad afterwards. So that Oh,
Effy
wow. Okay. Sure. He went
Jacqueline
all the way. He went all the way there. That way. Yeah. Right for high school. Um, so that's in my mind, I feel like they were like unpurchased props, if you will, that were that were used in place of, and then they probably feel like maybe it was in my 20s that I first like entered into a store and like, saw all the shapes and colors and felt completely overwhelmed and out of place and like did not know what to buy and had to rely on the very, very helpful people who work there to guide me through that process.
Effy
Sure. So what about you? Um, similar to you. I experimented with so many things that aren't official sex toys, but like just from humping my pillow to my grandma's massager for her back to various shaped objects around the house. So definitely experimented with things that props like you said. And then my first thing is toy very, very bland. It was the rabbit thanks to Sex and the City. But like, I don't know, 80% of women out there, you know, like, Oh, it's a thing. Sex toys are a thing. I think Charlotte gets addicted to her her rabbit and is it sort of a shot where she's like, holding it? And I was like, Oh, okay. And then like the rabbit was a thing. And that was the first toy I bought. But like the early sex toys that I could get my hands like before I know all the things I know now. I mean, I probably wouldn't touch it now. It was like plastic. Egg that probably would like corrode my insides. But you know, that's that, but I think I might still have it somewhere. Like, I wouldn't use it right now. I would not use it. Exactly, exactly. Like you did you see like toys from the 1940s? And you're like you gave that to a kid. That is so not save. Yeah, it has that kind of a kind of a vibe. I'm like, I would never use that for its intended purpose. But I would like to keep it just for just for the nostalgia. That's for sure. Yeah. And then, you know, I think a decade later, I fell into the text positive community and learned about all the things and all the toys. And actually shocker. To all our listeners, I'm sure I have a chest full of toys, I have all the toys that you can imagine all different types of toys. Mostly because one I teach with them. And two, I like to have things for people who I'm playing with to enjoy because it's like that fun. Like, there is something fun about opening a chest full of toys. You know, there's that childlike, enthusiastic, you know, EA we have toys to play with. And I like that connection. I like that vibe. I like the humor that goes with it. I like that. The faces people make work. This is a thing. And over the years, I've collected them I've been given them for testing things oh, you know, the various collaborations, all that kind of stuff. So I have I have a quite a large collection of toys. But personally, I don't actually use them. I if I'm gonna masturbate, I'm really like the most comfiest or it happiest with my own hand. I never very rarely I'll pull out a toy to use on myself if I'm on my own, with other people as a whole of the story. But if I was just going to spend time with my own, I really wouldn't pull out toy, I would just hang out myself. Again, boring is boring. It's on the boring side. I know.
Jacqueline
I don't know about boring, comfortable. Maybe you just well, it's like direct to the point you know what's going to work in those times I feel I feel that way. When I'm when it's like a means to an end. I know that the things to do than the hand is the way to go. If there's more time available, if I feel kind of like sitting in that space for a while, then I would probably reach for a toy. Honestly, I would reach for. So I have an EVA, which is if you don't know it's a dame product and lives in this beautiful glowing igloo. It's at my bedside. And so if I do go for a toy solo or partner play like that is the thing I reach for first, if you haven't heard of Diem, incidentally, if you receive our monthly newsletters, then you're gonna find a coupon for Dave at the bottom of each newsletter for 15% off. You can get your own little igloo. But yeah, so I think I use that. But I think that I mean, I I still get amazed the rabbit I never used that felt intimidating. There were like too many things moving at once in too many places. And I just like at the time, and then I haven't gone back. But when you visited New York for my birthday, we went to the museum of sex. Yes. And we saw sex toys from like, hundreds of years ago. Made of all sorts of interesting products. And so even then, my eyes were open. I was like, what is that? What do they use that for? Yeah, and that's often how I feel when I go into a sex shop. Ya know?
Effy
Do you remember the six throne from the French? Yeah, like Louis. Period, like the whole throne for sex. For the for the king consorts.
Jacqueline
Exactly, people you can have space on the bottom on the top. Yeah. Imagine and you remember everything had to be handmade. So imagine like the Craftsman putting that together and upholstering it and yes, yeah.
Effy
Like think about it. Think about all the acts and all the possessions and then you'd have to design something
Jacqueline
to test models people had to like sit on it to see if it was like heavy enough that two people had to get on it. Yes, yes
Effy
solely. There's no like 3d printing that that dude. So
Jacqueline
people can 3d print dildos. Now I realize that. Oh, man, I'm not ready for the future.
Effy
And Volvo's AI which I think is more of a thing these days. I think more and more. They're 3d printing Bobo's for things like the flashlight, you know, essentially it's like a phone. It looks like it. I think they call it a flashlight, because it looks like a flashlight. Like a tall. Yes, of course. Yeah. And it's a Volvo opening. It's like the soft squeegee silicone, and that you can buy different types of like Volvo shapes, and then you kind of put your penis in there and then you move the thing up and down and it's supposed to feel like feel like you're in a vagina. I think there's more of like printing different sides of that. Then then dildos, I think it's probably because more guys are spending time with like 3d printers. You know, and that's what they're printing maybe.
Jacqueline
Well, my daughter told me she learned in school that now with 3d printing you can 3d print food and 3d print print
Effy
Oregon's I know about organs but food.
Jacqueline
Food. Yeah, apparently and so yeah, I mean if you can get organs then those flashlights are gonna get real like
Effy
real they're gonna get real
Jacqueline
it's gonna be real. Yeah and I know that there are porn stars and sex workers they get toys created based off of their own anatomy, which again feels like if that to me feels like the height one of the highest compliments right like you not only want to see with me you will sleep with some version of me some like 3d printed version of my Volvo is famous. I love that. Yeah,
Effy
Volvo European. It's like the Barbie version of the porn. Well, it's like when Harry Styles gets a Barbie. You know, Harry Styles Barbie. It's like porn stars. Penis or their vulva. That is?
Jacqueline
Yes, yes, yes. Yes. I'm totally, totally into it. So that's what I mean. Far away from the cucumbers of the past. Yes. And now we're entering in answering it into the future. I feel like there have been so many updates. Since then.
Effy
Exactly. Over the last few years, there's been considerable developments in sex toys for vulva and penis owners alike. From fantasy shapes like Dragon Cox to discrete products at the blog as exquisite jewelry Hello crave. This new wave of brands and products, often led by female founders. By the way, my name Alex find amazing female founder we love her. These new brands and products offer a myriad of options with all these different sizes and shapes and materials and settings. How do you find the right toy? For those who don't know about toys? How do you start? Where do you start? How do you also introduce toys to play with your partners which can also be kind of intimidating. That's true.
Jacqueline
We have these questions and more and to guide us through our conversation today is a friend of the fox.
Dirty Lola
I'm dirty Lola sex educator and Bill those Linga based in Brooklyn.
Jacqueline
Dirty Lola is known for her live sex ed q&a show Sex Ed ago. And as an expert on the Netflix Docu series, the principles of pleasure. Lulu has spent almost a decade working to end the stigma and shame surrounding sex and sexuality. She also was the Mistress of Ceremonies at one of our annual conferences, consider this and is one of our favorite people.
Effy
We started our conversation with the obvious question, why would anyone want to use a sex toy?
Dirty Lola
There's multiple reasons. I think some people decide to use sex toys, because they've been doing manual stimulation and hasn't been working. So maybe that's been something that just like they've tried in this type of thing. Some folks, they like the adventure of trying different sensation. And I think some folks are, it's just maybe you're solo a lot. And you just want to have stimulation, similar to what you would have with a partner. And since you don't have a partner, you may go out seeking something that can kind of give you that. So like buying a dildo, or now we have all of these air pulse toys that like make it feel like you're clipping suck. So now you can like stimulate those things. Or if you have a long distance partner, and you're having phone tech, so you can get like the physical aspect of it. But I think the biggest thing is a lot of people use sex toys just to explore their bodies. It's just like a tool like anything else. You know, that makes it a little bit easier to access.
Jacqueline
Yes, I'm just noting in my mind we're going to be talking more about those the air ones money so it makes sense to me if he and I were talking about the idea of like a toy chest and actually just how much fun that is to have. And how that adds a different layer to personal or partnered connection to like, opens up and it's like glowing and you look inside and you get to kind of choose your adventure.
Dirty Lola
It's like what do you want to do tonight? And you open it up? Yeah, I just organized my sex toy drawer.
Jacqueline
Yeah, yes, I your sex toy drum must be fantastic.
Dirty Lola
It's like sorted into like, I have like a little bit of dildos. I use those. Those clothing dividers you can get from Ikea like the little baskets for underwear and socks. But I put like dildos, vibrators rope and bondage things I have a little thing that has like nipple clamps so I know where to find them. But then I start getting lazy just throwing stuff in and then after a while, I'm like, Oh, I have to redo this.
Jacqueline
Okay, I'm glad that you said that because our I'm saying it's a toy chest. It is not is like a box and everything is Yeah roll in the box. And that is actually not at all sexy to like be like fumbling and rumbling through and like trying to find the thing. I need to get some IKEA storage now we I should be stepping up my sex toy game that is what this is, is reminding me right now
Dirty Lola
when you have a hookup? I'll tell you it is that moment. Yes. I'll tell
Effy
you what is fun with a sex toy box though by just like us tip it upside down in the middle of the bed and shake it and and everything just like falls on your bed. And then you're like, like, let's play people. That's the company's about about toys.
Dirty Lola
That's true. It's like it's a fry.
Jacqueline
Let me ask you this question. I was thinking about the first time that I went to a toy store, I had to have been in my 20s. And it had to have been in the village that those two things are the only things I remember, I remember walking in, and there's colors and shapes and things that and things are moving. And I don't know any of the things and I feel overwhelmed by the things. And the amazing people who work there, like help me figure out the right things. But I feel like I walked in there with some misconceptions around that they are going to be huge, or that they're going to be doing things that don't feel natural, or they're going to. And so I'm wondering for you, in your experience, what are some misconceptions that people bring to the table? When they are curious about or afraid of playing with toys?
Dirty Lola
They think every toy is the same? So it's kind of like they're like, well, we'll just I just want one like, what's a good one? And like, what do you what do you want it more like? What? What parts of your body? Are you trying to touch? Are you doing this alone or with a partner? Do you want inner stimulation out of stimulation? You ain't no, like there's so many different areas. And all these toys do a different job. And even when they look the same, like there's even like a motor difference and a sensation difference. And some of them are like very, very similar. And it might come down to like, how do you want to hold things? Do you have issues with grip? You know, there's so many things that I can we can like take it and break it down to like make it be the one. But I think people come in and they just one they call everything a deal though. Everything. And then like, it's not a deal though it's on my brain. And like they just think they can just oh this like It's like buying dish soap was like, Oh, it'll wash the dishes. It doesn't matter. No, it's they're all unique. The other big one is like I don't need lube, I get wet enough which I get it like if you're doing internal and you're someone who does get very juicy. But if you're doing external that juicy doesn't always transfer to the outside. If you're doing butt stuff, we know that that doesn't happen. So because butts are not self lubricating. So there's just this whole thing where, you know, people just come in already with like their hackles up about what they know they don't need or what they need, like, oh, I don't I don't do that. And they're already like, just not open. So that's like the biggest thing that I see. And then when you get somebody who's open, they're just overwhelmed. It's a little bit easier when you start breaking it down, like, oh, I have all the questions if they always ask like, what's your price point? That's always my first question. That'll cut out, like almost half of this stuff. Like if you tell me 60 bucks, we still have a lot of choices, but it's gonna like slash down so you have less to look at. And then like, oh, is this for internal? And then the thing that kills that kills me and like a man I still have work to do is when people don't know how they orgasm, like they know the orgasm, but they can't do it down of like, I think it was external. Or maybe it's internal or maybe both. And they'll say like, Oh, I'm not sure. We need to masturbate. Yeah, so trying to find things so that they can can explore and figure that stuff out. Or that's helpful. Yeah, the thing that still happens that I just need to I just we need to like stop is, oh, my boyfriend husband partner won't want this. It's too big. They don't want me to buy anything too big bait, or they don't want me to bring toys at all, but I'm not orgasming and I need something. And I'm like, Are you hiding this or, or like, just give me something small so it'll be easier for them to like digest that I'm using this and I'm like, they're tools. They're not. It's not a replacement. It's it's an extension of you.
Jacqueline
Yeah, I think about this and like as a refers to relates to food, right? So similarly, it's like if someone says to you, I'm hungry. What should I eat? And you're like, well, there's a lot of things. What do you what kinds of things you like to eat? Do you like spicy? Do you want something cold? Do you want it right, like those types of questions, but also we could eat everything with our hands. Absolutely could or we could also use a fork or a spoon or chopsticks depending on what it is. And that actually doesn't make that experience any worse. It was worse eaters, you You know, these different tools allow us to do different things
Dirty Lola
and there's different spoons. You know, you could use a teaspoon for your soup or what if you use the soup spoon?
Jacqueline
Yes, I just learned about a grapefruit spoon the other day with like, originally
Dirty Lola
when I found that, like they make a spoon like that.
Jacqueline
Yeah, if you have a spork somewhere in your house, there's no reason for you not to have a dildo you understand the value of multi-use toys? The spork? Exactly. Can you talk a little bit more about that like the getting down to it the different main types of toys the different categories of toys that people should be looking for? Yeah,
Dirty Lola
so there's when you look at external toys, those could be anything from like the little small bullet size toys, the air pulse or suction toys. And then there's like toys that aren't bullets, but like smaller vibrators, even larger vibrators. Then you start moving into like the longer vibrators that could be for external but to but they're also meant for internal rabbit styles which are going to give you both internal and external and those are just like vulva toys. Because then you have like your animal toys that are you have like vibrating clubs and or beads vibrating anal beads, like plug sets and you have your material you have metal and glass and silicone you have all those kinds of things. And now they're making like other like we have humping toys humping has come back. I don't know if you've noticed, but humping it? Yes, not come back. People hope and don't talk about it. That was how I masturbated until I was like 18 I hoped and
Effy
I sometimes just a disclaimer here.
Dirty Lola
I don't use it anymore. But the dollar is still sitting next to me on the Florida bass. She's my Dad No, probably because I used to have her face. But me and it's like not we always think like masturbation has to happen on your back with like being in a certain position. But humping is really great for folks. So they have like humping pads they have like the Pele Wim which are just these silicone little soft things with different textures so you can rub against them. They have vibrating humping pads, so you can like put it on a chair, and like ride and just hope that way. You have like all these other choices. Now they have they're making more vibrators specifically for penises. And I've always said you can use vibrators on penises. There's no such thing as like a, you know, penises actually love vibration, but they're making ones that have like little flaps that like will will like kind of hug the penis and then flap against it as you want it up and down. And it's not just a stroke or like it's a wand style. And they make near both toys for penises. Now to that like is like a stroker with a piece that will like air pull suck the head. And so there's so many like different little arms to reach out to. I mean, there's clock rings, and there's ones that vibrate and ones that don't people get very confused because when they vibrate, they immediately think well, this is for me, it's like a vote for a vulva. And I'm like, well, it's for both of you. Like, it's to make the person with the penis feel more sensitive. And it's gonna heighten niche sensation. And then it's also giving you like this option to have a hands free vibrator. So you kind of need to collaborate when you're when you're looking at those things. Because immediately we're like, oh, it vibrates. It's not for peanuts. I'm like, No, it's It's for everyone. It's for all. All of us. Yeah. So there's so many categories.
Effy
Yes. Those are just like actual like toys for actual arousal. But then you have like bondage gear, and then you had a flagger and then the nipple. Yes. And you know, this pinwheel things.
Dirty Lola
The Wurttemberg wheels. Yeah, yes, exactly.
Effy
They're like fun. We have
Dirty Lola
the wellness stuff now too. So you have like oh nine, which is like the rings that will help like if you if you get pain or maybe you just have a partner that's really big and it's up too much for you. You can stack these rings on the penis so it cushions so they can't go in as indeed, but the penis still get stimulation as a side. Yeah, so you have all these things and then cable like cable exercise. Yeah, they're like, Oh, well, I'm like, well, it might feel good. But if you don't orgasm internally, that way, they're not going to make you orgasm, but it is helping you strengthen your pelvic floor which is serves many, many purposes and also can help have stronger, more productive orgasms. You know, I like to call it that sometimes really, really long and great, but those are like wellness not really, that we still have and then there's like dilators which can be used for gender affirming but also vote for folks with badging. Missmiss. So there's like toys that are actual health tools that I help people get back into pleasure. And I'm so glad that their company is making things that look pretty because before dilators were like this hard made plastic thing that you got from a doctor. And now you there's so many beautiful, like colorful silicone sets that just make you feel like, Oh, I'm, I'm doing something nice for myself, not like I gotta do this thing. That's like medicine. hate this. Yeah. So we have all those things too. And then you have your gender affirming, because you've packers, we have strap ons, which are can be used for sex stuff, but also some folks, they use them for having sex. And we have like binders and all the things that still fall into the category of sex stuff. But you know, it's great. It's also just for you to live in the world.
Effy
Yes. It's also amazing that all that stuff is like things, technology, things, all the new materials, 3d printing, we were talking about this earlier, engineering be able to model so quickly testing so quickly. Now we have like endless products and all the different ways that you can think of it do have a question around so I can kind of see how someone can once they get into that mode, and especially with some guidance from someone like you, they can figure out okay, I kind of like this kind of stimulation, you know, so this shape makes sense. You know, get that, can you speak a little bit more about the material because I think that's kind of a bit of a wild card. I don't think people really realize that each material have a different sensation. And I'd love to talk about how you would navigate that part of the categories.
Dirty Lola
Yeah, so your major in the body safe categories, silicone, right? Like it's durable, does it stain and it's not going to leach chemicals is all those things but then we also have TPE is which are body safe, but you can't share them because they still are porous. So they they're not going to leach chemicals into your body. But you know, you can't like go but to vagina with it. Because you can't sterilize it. You shouldn't I mean, unless you're fluid bonded. But like with partners, if you're going to a play party, you don't want to take your Tp e toy. And I call all those semi permanent because they start to get you know, they get start growth over time. TPE is our toys you're gonna keep forever and people go why would you use it I'm like, because they're so soft, and squishy. Most strokers for penises are TPE because they're so malleable and soft, and they warm up very quickly. And you know, they're just really like when that squishy squishy. And you so you get that because that's what silicone with elites, which the rubber was a layer, that's what the elites used to do to the rubber make it squishy. But then it also was leaking poison and burning people and causing like chemical burns and stuff. So now we get we get which TP is thermoplastic elastomer so we kind of we still get like this squishy squishy moment without like the leaching. But it's not something you can necessarily share. So you have to look at those things. Like do I want to share, you can always slap a condom, if it's like a TPE dildo or something like that, that you want to share a lot of toys that are of a lower price point, many times we'll have TPE instead of silicone because that keeps the price down. And I like those toys because they let people access something and try it out without spending a ton of money and then you can go and invest in the more expensive thing. And the thing is is silicone has come down drastically also the tech with silicone so silicone is not just hard anymore, you can get dual density, you can get like a little bit of a softer silicone, there's different Sheen's of silicone and so those are your more on your soft end and then there's glass, people are wide glass and like one it's beautiful. Some people just love aesthetics, like they're just into the aesthetics of their items. And so glass does that for some folks, but also it warms up to your body really quickly and like differently it can cause you to put it in the fridge and cool it down for play. Not freezer because when we freeze things, mucous membranes, not like frozen items it will cause frostbite inside of your mm cavity or your vaginal
Effy
grow tips. Don't put them in the freezer ends.
Dirty Lola
Yeah. You it'll cool if you put it in the fridge overnight it will be plenty cold you don't need to like freeze it. And some people just like the way it looks. They like the smoothness of it like the seamlessness of it. That's a reason for glass metal you get that smooth, smooth seamlessness of it but you also get wait. So were we talking about but toys especially people like wait, they want that feeling of fullness, but it's also kind of pulling down on gravity. They like that have that's why the enjoy toys are very popular. Like if you ever seen a pure one it's heavy as fuck. You could hit somebody and 11 I don't know if you've ever seen an enjoy 11 It's like a weapon. Yeah, yeah, but cuz you could, you can beat a rock, who needed to. And people like that kind of weight when you're doing people who enjoy this thing will also like really enjoy metal toys because they have that same weight and, and hardness, you can get that same pressure. So you can't do like, you could do some pressure things with a silicone toy, but it might been, it's gonna be a little bit more, you know, Flexi. Whereas if you have like a metal toy, there's no give, you're putting it in and you're pressing it back in a band, it's not going to move. So especially for kinky things, if you're amping up sensation, you're aiming into that world, like where you're eating into the pleasure pain, those harder toys that are less flexible, great people, people love that. So you have to think about that stuff. People are always afraid to class, like, what if it breaks inside me, and I'm like, unless you fall out of the bed, at the perfect angle, it's not going to happen. Now, if you've dropped your toy a bunch, like on a very hard surface, I would stop using it. I always tell people like if you something happened, you dropped it on a very hard floor, it could get a fissure and because of that you are causing cracks that could make it break if you're vigorously using it right. Nobody wants that. So you do have to use some common sense around it. drastic temperature changes with glass toys. I don't know who would do this. But like if you put it in the freezer, and then you tried to quickly put it in like into a boiling pot, it's going to explode, hopefully wouldn't make it into your body before that happened. But you know, it's science, drastic temperature changes will cause class to break. So things like that you have to pay attention to but I mean, we also have wood, what is what is around in this kind of a niche thing. I think a lot of people who are very into nature tend to gravitate. And it's another thing, it's about aesthetics, it's beautiful. People make some beautiful carved wood items, they're a little bit harder to care for, because you have to like there's a certain finish that they have to put on to make it body safe. And sometimes that slowly will come off over time. So it all comes down to like really asking the questions about the item you're buying, doing the research and like how to actually care for it. And then if you're somebody I always say if you're lazy, don't don't buy a window though.
Jacqueline
Is there any particular toys that you recommend for penetrative play to that example that you gave of like someone coming in saying, I want to use some things I'm not going to go orgasm during penetration, but I don't want it to get in the way of the penetration. I don't want my partner to feel some sort of way. Any any things that you recommend?
Effy
Jackie, are you asking for a friend have
Dirty Lola
a small cup your hand. So like there's so many like palm type that have like a little curve to them, because that's great. Like if you're doing missionary, you can watch missionary slabs for a lot of people and I am a fan I know people are like, Oh, that's boring. I'm like, oh, it's the spot. So if you like it a little palm vibe, or just something like bullets, anything small just because you want in between bodies, it'll be easier to teams that way. Then you have like your the wearables, so like the dame Eva, that fits behind your outer labia and against your click doesn't work for everybody because everybody's outer labia aren't able to like hold it in place the way it needs to be held in place for great if it is and you like that style of vibration. So things like that. If you're doing different positions, I love a small one. And no one's feel like the antithesis to what people are looking for when they're trying to like bring something into the bedroom. But if you're doing doggy style or any kind of position where you just want like clitoral stimulation, having a wand with a nice handle. Right? And then a baby there's so many like magic wand came out with a baby Juan Juan has a petite Juan like there's a the palm power wand that's like crazy powerful and like small as fuck. So there's a lot of choices. It's thinking about how you fit together.
Effy
I have a question, what are some of the popular toys for same sex relationships?
Dirty Lola
What I noticed is a lot of folks are enjoying this renaissance with dildos and that they come in so many different shapes and that they all don't look like a penis like you don't have to get there are some that are very, very, very penis, like, like they've got veins and all the things, but now they're making them with just it's phallic, but it's just a pretty shape and color and maybe it has texture and I think those feel better to a lot of folks who are non binary who or wherever they are in their journeys to not have something like a penis, but you're using for penetration. There's been a lot of like attachments for wands and things that make it so that you can utilize it in different ways. So for penetration or to like there's one that's like, it looks like the Paleo one which is one of the humping heads but it's on there. Head have a wand. So it's like you can grind against it. And doesn't matter what genitals you have. So if you don't want like, is that direct wants stimulation, but it's like a soft, cushy thing to grind against. Those are great. I think everybody's just kind of looking for stuff that doesn't feel like it's being marketed towards, like, hey, this woman, you know, so those are the things people are like, Oh, is this gonna work for me, it's really about like the companies that are really focusing on how things fit with your body, and different body parts that you're doing a lot more like well also things that are just more I hate to say pretty but like stylish that look like something that's not your general like hot pink rabbit vibrator, you know, like, David does a great job with making these beautiful colors, beautiful shapes, that they've taken time with to figure out how they work with the body. Even their wand is like this beautiful, seamless, you know, organic piece that fits in your you know, hands and it's shaped so that it's you can hold it without like straining your wrist. Like there's a lot to it. And I think that's what people are looking for. They're less interested in these like, this is this woman's vibrator or this great for him, they want things that are just for your body.
Jacqueline
Yeah, maybe to in doing the research around the different toys researching the companies and the owners of those companies. Because if those owners are the folks who are making it reflect and represents kind of the who you are, is more likely than that they're going to create some products that work for you. I'm interested in any furniture that you can think of because you're talking about sometimes sitting on something against something, or there's some like chairs that we should be looking into, or there's some other pieces of furniture.
Dirty Lola
Liberator makes an entire line of furniture from small wedges, like I have a liberator, which gets heart shaped in my closet right now. And that's great. If you're in an apartment. Also, I like it because it's heart shaped. So like I could move on my bed and look like a bed pillow doesn't have to be put away. But it's small enough that I could put it in my closet on a shelf. And it's not like taking up so much space. And then they make these big, like, full, like chaise type sex lounges that are there like shapes so that you can buck on them. But like it'll lift your hips or you can lean over it and you have padding. And it's not, you know, it's not a couch, you know, it's meant to have sex on it. But it can live in your house like a couch, it can just be there. So they make a full line of those things. And then you know, what there's people keep asking, like, because the how to make a sex room came out. And so everybody is like, this stuff. And I'm like, here's the thing, a lot of the stuff, like if you want to see Andrew's Cross, you're gonna have to go to a maker, you're gonna have to find somebody making cute furniture. They're not just on online.
Effy
And if if the only way is online, what are the things they should be looking out for to make sure they're getting good quality? toys from a, you know, a decent, a decent supplier?
Dirty Lola
Yeah, in person. You want to know, like, if that's your only choice, and you can go and they have a thing, and you've done the research. And maybe you've asked questions, and you're just going to pick it up great. But I always tell folks, you want to find a place where they can actually talk to you about the products and not just read the back of the box you can they tell you if you asked about like a violet bond and a case? Are they actually giving you like, Hey, have you used this before you have any questions about it? Here's some safety stuff. Are they giving you a little rundown a spiel? Can they tell you the difference between the toys? Or are they just like, Oh, that one's purple? This one has and I've been in those shops where I'm just going to look and I'm hearing people ask questions. And then I wait because they've not gotten any answers and I'm like, okay, hey, let me get out. I don't work you but I'm sex educator, like I can answer your questions about this. Because it's I mean, I was even I was in a shop and this woman was like, Oh, well does this fit plus sized bodies and the person took it from her read it and goes well it says yeah, and I was like coming out here this is the same one but in Queen pick that like I made the sale we're also she went by something she wasn't gonna fit into. So those are the things you want to look for in a brick and mortar is are they do they have knowledge? Is it a space you feel safe in and do you care about some people don't care about that stuff. So I don't even I don't want to act like everybody has to care about those things. But for me that's a quality shop is a place that feels like community where you they have like some kind of resources where their staff is knowledgeable about the product. They may not know everything. They may not all be sex educators, but they can talk to you about what you're buying and how it's gonna work for you. And when you're shopping online. There are so many wonderful sex shops that have stores that I've worked with. So like if there's a shop you've heard heard about the Pacific Northwest like their Smitten Kitten. And then in this self serve in Albuquerque, here in New York, we have shag, we have a website to those are brick and mortars that have stores. You can always support by using those. And the great thing is you can call that in person store and talk to somebody and ask them a question about things. So that might be a way for you to be like, oh, I want to do this, this might help. And then the online like a good online shop has a way for you to ask questions. They have a lot of copy about things, and they're really going to help you like, I always identify it by like, expectrum, which I work for, but one of the things I love is we created guides. So all the questions that people kept asking, we just started making guides. So you can get like, a bunch of stuff like oh, how do I use this? You can go into it and get info right on the website while you're buying toys. And if you have a question, you can just type Carly's the one answering them, but you're like, oh, yeah, I can tell you about that know about the stuff we're selling. That's the thing is like, it's not we don't we're not like, oh, I don't know what that is. Everything that gets put on the website. It's been it's gone through like sex educators, people who are on the shop who were like, Oh, I know what this does. I know how this works is quality. Our ethos is like we only carry about a safe materials. Right now we only rolling carrying like leaves that are glycerin paraben free, that also like don't have a couple other ingredients. We, right now we're like, we're not doing those because a lot of people are showing they're irritated by it. So it just makes it easier. Those are the things you want to look for Amazon, I tell folks I know it's the easy route for a lot of people. If you're buying something, only buy it from the actual makers. So like, you will find LELO and B vibe and Milan and, and revive on Amazon because they have to because that's the only way they can keep people from making counterfeit toys. So Amazon won't do anything. If you go if you're a company and you find someone with a counterfeit product on their own Amazon Amazon won't take it down unless you have a store through Amazon. So they made these years have right so people were like why are they on Amazon like they have to is the only way they can protect their brand protect you because counterfeit toys I remember I don't know if you remember the great counterfeit surge of magic wands that were catching fire, because they were overheating. This was like maybe five, six years ago that this was going on maybe a little bit longer. So named Megatron wrote all about it because she even made a guide to like how you tell a fake from a from a real wand and like the different he got one to be careful.
Effy
We will put that on our show notes. Yeah, so like, it's like, look
Dirty Lola
for those things, right? Like, if you have to use Amazon, try to find the company that makes it selling because you don't know what you're getting a lot of times to these third and fourth party sellers. And that's our My biggest gripe is is not that I don't want people to spend less money. But I'm like, Listen, if this toy is $200, everywhere else, and you're getting it for 50, something's wrong. That is not, it's not possible, these people are not making money. Because that is not what it's not even host at wholesale for $50. Like, this can't be real. So it's just be careful. And just take your time and like a like I said is aesthetics, your belief system, you know, like, if you want to shop woman own woman run, you're going to find that there's like shop MB is run by two black trans folks. And so that's where you want to like put your money you can and they do an online shop and their online shop does cater to trans and non binary folks. So they try to pull products that are gonna work, especially for you. So it's kind of like what you need. You can find your niche, it's out there, but there's so much there's so much. And I always tell people like I will support any sex shop doing the work. Always like I don't like to pit people against each other because I'm like, we're in different regions for a reason. We're serving different people. We're taking care of people in different areas. Even the UK, I send people to love honey, because love honey has a code system. And you can call them and say I'm looking at product like 7256 and the person can talk to you about that toy because they sell 1000s of products but they have a human you can talk to so if you're like, I don't know anything, how does this work? Somebody can go oh, I got you and talk to you. So I'm like as long as you're gonna get the education and you're not gonna go home. I'm not gonna say you're always gonna be satisfied, right? We're there. I've even bought stuff. Thinking I would love it. And then I'm like, great, but you have less you're not going to. I will never sell you that $300 LELO vibrator, extra first vibrator unless you really want it I will try to help you find something similar. For you to try out this shape, or the style. And then I'm like, come back and upgrade. Don't don't I don't want you to go home and feel broken. Because your friend told you five friends told you we all orgasm instantly and you get home and it doesn't work. The blow, and I've been that person to go home I the way I searched for orgasms, I was Indiana Jones searching for treasure. And I would go like this made you have an orgasm, and I would go home and I would just sit and cry. Because once again, oh, I'm broken. This doesn't work for me. That was teenage and 20s. Me, we've been crying because I'm like, I have a fat vagina and vulva. And she blocks things. And so all these toys, it always worked for me and like, oh, you know, just having moments. And then I was like, Oh, it's just this stuff just wasn't for me. This
Effy
is for me. I also think maybe change the mindset around it. Rather than saying I'm going to get a toy. It's like, I'm going to start my sex toy collection today. Yes, yes. And just like get your thing for the day and then build on it. You know, I think that's I think the game is not to have a sex toy, but to have to be a collector of sex toys, toys for pleasure.
Dirty Lola
And I will tell you for a long time after I came across the magic wand, and I was like this is it. Like, this is the thing that works for me. And I didn't think I would want to try anything else. And then these air pulse toys came out. And I'm like, I haven't made an error pulseway I don't like
Jacqueline
that's the next thing to add to my collection. Yeah,
Dirty Lola
they're great. And the thing is, people go, Well, I'm like, Listen, I have opinions. But I will tell you this, if you were if you use one of the lowest quality of the group, it's still going to do the job. And I'm like, I can tell you it's lower quality, because I've used them all. And I've used sometimes I've used them back to back to just test them out. And I'm like, but if this is the one you're using, it's not going to register for you that like there's something better out there because it's gonna work, it may take a little bit longer the motor, and then there's different things right, like some of them, the openings are really small, so it's not great for everybody's click some of them, they're not flexing enough. So I feel like they can feel kind of hard when you're kind of pressing into your body, which is you kind of need to press them into your body. So there's attributes that make them some better than others for for you. But as a person who's tried them, they've all worked for me in a similar fashion. I've gotten that same kind of work. Yes. From all of them.
Effy
Yes. And some of them suck and some of them flap right that's the thing that I've noticed some of them are actually doing the sucking motion with air and there's some of them that's like flapping
Dirty Lola
so there's okay so when we say stuff and I tried to tell you it's not like a vacuum so you're not gonna put it on and it's gonna be like on like suck to your body you kind
Jacqueline
of what I was picturing actually
Dirty Lola
create the seal. So what happens is it's against your clitoris and it engulfs it and it creates a seal so it's a vacuum seal. So it's that kind of thing and then the vibration that's happening around and it's almost like when you move it you almost you can tell you've broken the seal because I'm almost waiting to hear it go like so it's like a science vacuum like your clit is engulfed it like growing as it in gorgeous up into the toy and it vibrates around it then they make the ones that have like a drum in it so there's like the sila and the Sona and a couple of the satisfiers more than one that has like a little drum in the back so but you also you still get that perimeter kind of engulfing thing but now you have this drum that's gonna hit the top of your clip so you're getting perimeter and top clip stimulation and it can be the first time I use the Sona I fell off the bed because I literally did like that was like oh shit and the little drone cuz already intense like the perimeter stimulation is weirdly intense where it's not that direct simulation but you're like oh my god happening because it's not a place we normally stimulate. But then you add stimulation to the job and it's like and now the flappy tongue all last year every trade show I went to I'm like everything that a Flappy tongue now in everything so they're making such enjoys with the flappy tone. They're making grinding noise with the flappy tongue. They got every everything's got rabbits with a Flappy
Jacqueline
question about intensity because now that you mentioned that, and yeah, maybe there are products like this or not. What I have found is first of all, sometimes the first level of intensity feels like it's too intense already. I wish there was another like level below that. But then it goes like intense, intense or super intense and then off. Is there like a decline like because when you're like you're there and you get there, and then I gotta like turn it off. off and then turn it back on and then go back levels up Is there anything that like, goes up and down that I have different options,
Dirty Lola
there are some toys that have better controls. So I love a good Up Down button versus the single button the cycle. A lot of toys do opt for the cycling button because it's more compact, and you don't have to jump one button. But I'd love a good up and down so you don't have to cycle to the end. Also, there's toys that start lower. So you know that it will start at a way less intense moment and then go up. And maybe they're not as strong at the top. But that might not be what you need. And that's the thing I always tell people to look for is like, this is your one. Is this good for you? Or do you need like a one that's going to start lower? Or do you need something that starts higher? And for me, like when they the rechargeable magic wand came out? It was great. Because before it only had two settings fuckin ofa. That was it. Now there were speeds. I never used the patterns. And I'm not a pattern girl. But I know some people who like are very, they love patterns. And I'm like, okay, more power to you. But now I think there's four speeds. And like, sometimes I can just stay at one and one is an actual low or magic wind. It's an actual low so it's all kind of out of luck. That's another thing people will look for. You can go like, I want something that has more than one button for cycling through. Yeah, yeah. For for like rabbits. I love it when there's like a button for the stem and a button for the knob that sits on your clit. So you can control whether they're on or not. If it's the motors running the intensity. And that's people like oh, why is this more expensive? I'm like it's got more but usually mean there's a little bit more tech in it. Yeah.
Effy
I find the motors change right. Some of them are buzzing and some of them are thudding that's definitely like I'm not a buzzer I'm a stutter like if I'm gonna go vibration is low and steady. I don't like the high the high buzzing
Dirty Lola
I always thought I was a busy person. And I was not I'm a I'm a 30 rumbly Yeah, sure.
Effy
Same. And also Jackie, if you have a favorite toy that starts too high, but you like the rest of it. Sometimes going over your clothes is nice. Like put something between you and then like, like either like the comforter or something to get you started and then you can like then you can remove and then you can like regulate that way. I do want to toy
Dirty Lola
with every friend it does it means so likes it which is
Jacqueline
no that makes it I think that for me though, between makers out there that when it goes to the top and then just goes off? I don't know. Yeah. So toymakers do didn't really make it give me another
Dirty Lola
button.
Jacqueline
Let me like let me like get down a little bit first before we could talk about toys for ever. And if folks want to talk about toys forever, they should find it. We're going to give them all the places where they could find you and ask lots of questions. Before we let you go we want to ask you four questions just to learn a little bit more about you. Okay, the first of which is what is one piece of advice that you would give to your younger self about love sex or relationships.
Dirty Lola
Be patient and you're all on the right track don't think you're on the wrong track. Because I thought for a long time I was but not I thought like Oh, me being polyamorous. I didn't call it that. But non monogamous. I was like, Oh, I'm just flooding and I met my ex and I was like, Oh, I've just been waiting for the right person. And then I had a midlife crisis at 25 Quarter wouldn't call it a quarterlife crisis and realized, like, Oh, I am not this is I'm in the wrong business. But I want to be doing and I always wonder if I would have stayed on the non monogamy track that I was already on at 17 1818 and how different it would be but you know, it is what it is. I'm happy where I've landed.
Effy
Okay, okay. Just be patient and you're on the right track. I love it.
Unknown Speaker
I love it. Okay,
Effy
what is one romantic or sexual adventure on your bucket list?
Dirty Lola
Oh, okay. I want to have sex under the Northern Light. I don't know the logistics of that. But I want to do it.
Effy
Somehow sexual and romantic. Bam, bam. Yes, yes.
Jacqueline
Beautiful. Yeah, so this question more and more seems self evident. But how do you challenge the status quo
Dirty Lola
by existing by existing and continuing to just be loud about stuff. You know,
Jacqueline
change in the noise? Yeah. Love that.
Effy
We are a curious bunch. And we are curious about what you're curious about lately.
Dirty Lola
Oh, you know what I'm curious about reintegrating into community. I feel like pre pandemic, I was so busy that I was really removed from things because I just didn't have time. But it was I didn't feel the struggle as much because I was busy. And then the pandemic was hard. And we couldn't do anything. So all this like wanting to reconnect or do things disappeared, and then it became, should I be doing anything? Should I be going to these events? Should it be going to these parties, like Am I being responsible? And like, now I'm in a place where I just feel so shot from all of that, that I feel I'm lonely, and I feel a little bit like add a touch and I don't know what's going on. And so I'm curious, like, we talked about this book, when we were talking to whom we're talking about not recording before, but that I'm kind of putting my toe back out there and like discovering new spaces and people and seeing what's out there, because I feel like I've lost all of it. Like it just was gone. So I'm trying to be curious about that again, instead of being old and complacent and just sitting at home being like, oh,
Effy
yeah, it's good. It's like a good productive curiosity. Beautiful. Yeah, beautiful. It's true.
Jacqueline
I love it. Thank you so much. Really appreciate it. I've learned a lot. I'm gonna go shopping this weekend. I'm gonna add to my collection, and I'm gonna find a more suitable way of storing things. No more throwing into a box for me. Yeah, thank you so much,
Effy
Lola. Thank you so much. It's always fun to talk to you. Thank you. Thank you for your time.
Dirty Lola
Thank you.
Jacqueline
If you want to learn more about dirty Lola, you can visit her website dirty lulu.co and on Instagram and Twitter at dirty Lola. Be sure to say follow and share the curious Fox podcast and share this episode with folks who would enjoy it or want to learn something new, particularly if you're looking for a way to introduce the use of sex toys with a partner. Send them this episode. If you've enjoyed this episode, if you have questions or strategies that you want to share, if you want to connect with other foxy listeners, then head to our Facebook group at we are curious foxes. And if you want to be even more intimate with us and the show, then become a patreon member. You get early release of episodes, mini episodes and content that we could not fit into the show. For our blog posts on sex toys, as well as many other blog posts, reading lists, past episodes and a ton more. Go to our website. We are curious foxes.com And lastly, let us know that you're listening by sharing a comment story or question by emailing us or sending us a voice memo to listening at we are curious foxes.com Or you can record a question for the show by calling 646-450-9079
Effy
This episode is produced and edited by Nina Pollack who makes playing all the toys we used to record a ton of fun. Our intro music is composed by dev Sahar. We are so grateful for that work, and we're grateful to you for listening. As always, stay curious friends. Yeah, go for whenever you're ready.
Jacqueline
To me. Yeah.
Effy
Okay, stillness, find
Jacqueline
centeredness, center stillness for to sex toys.
Effy
bootiful bootiful. Curious Fox podcast is not and will never be the final word on any topic was solely aimed to encourage curiosity and provide a space for exploration through connection and story. We encourage you to listen with an open and curious mind, and we'll look forward to your feedback. Stay curious friends.
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