Ep 109: Fox Tales: My Partner Is a Sex Worker with Mistress Lucy Sweetkill and Nick
Art by @pachutorresart
We are going back to our roots with this episode. Curious Fox started in Brooklyn basements, with regular people courageously sharing personal stories of going against the grain in love and connection.
This week Effy Blue and Jacqueline Misla are introducing Fox Tales: Stories of lives that challenge the status quo. They are bringing you the tale of @lucy.sweetkill, pro Dom and BDSM life coach, and Nick, her partner of 5 years. How they met; what it is like to nurture a relationship while actively working as a sex worker; the ups and the downs.
To find more about Effy Blue and Jacqueline Misla, follow them at @wearecuriousfoxes, @coacheffyblue, and @jacquelinemisla on Instagram.
If you have a question that you would like to explore on the show, reach out to us and we may answer your question on one of our upcoming episodes. Leave us a voicemail at 201-870-0063 or email us at listening@wearecuriousfoxes.com
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TRANSCRIPT:
Effy
Welcome to the Curious Fox podcast for those challenging the status quo in love, sex, and relationships. My name is Effy Blue.
Jacqueline
And I'm Jacqueline Misla. And today we're introducing foxtails stories of lives that challenge the status quo. We're going back to our roots with this episode. Curious Fox started in Brooklyn basements with regular people courageously sharing personal stories of going against the grain and love and connection. The work was born out of a desire for people to both see themselves in other people's experiences, and see a possibility that they may not have ever imagined. We're going to continue to explore topics with experts and with each other to bring you knowledge, wisdom, advice, and tips. And sometimes we just want to bring you stories of people who have designed unapologetic lives.
Effy
So today, we want to bring you a tale of a girl.
Lucy Sweetkill
I am mistress Lucy Sweetkill. I'm a professional dominatrix and BDSM Life Coach in New York City,
Effy
who meets a boy
Nick
I am Nick and Lucy's partner go by him.
Effy
Together, they embark on a relationship against all odds. Lucy, a sex worker extraordinaire, and Nick, a regular dude, meet where the rest of us meet these days,
Lucy Sweetkill
we actually met on Tinder
Effy
they're here to tell us their story.
Lucy Sweetkill
I hate dating. And I had been single for a very long time by choice because I was kind of figuring out trying to figure out a lot of my shit. And my shed with my past with trauma and relationships and bad habits and relationships and bad choices and relationships. Right? I was like, You know what, maybe I need to cleanse whatever is going on. Right? So I was actually single for about 10 years, you know, kind of dated here and there. But really, like, wasn't looking for anything. A good friend of mine, he was like, oh, you should get back on Tinder. If you feel like dating. It's kind of happening again. And I'm like, Oh, do I want to do that? Right? Because it had been like, two years since I had gone on a dating site. And I was like, maybe it'll be fun. And so I went back on Tinder and been a really long time. And I was at a place in my life where I was. I had been doing domination work for a good while. And I was at a place where I was like, fuck it. I'm just gonna say exactly what I do. Because I used to be like, Oh, do I put it on there? Do I nod? When do I tell people what I do? Do I wait for the first day, the fifth day like I've done every iteration of it like and went from fifth day to third day to like first date over the years. And then this time I was like fuck it you know I'm tired of this. So I put on there that I was a professional dominatrix but all these other things, too. It was a very small portion of my profile. I actually think I still Oh, I do. I do have it so I'm gonna read it. It says Lucy at the time 30 to dominate tricks on my own damn company. Unconventional self confidence shoe loving ghetto goth weirdo. I'm complex, but low-key laugh at my own jokes and judgmental in the good ways. Mother to a black goth bunny named moose, and ringleader of food club, a private club consisting of five members, which are my friends, bicoastal and yc and SF than Amis dominatrix educating demystifying and normalizing BDSM which basically means it's better to ask me a question then assume you know who I am what I do and what I like. Smiling is overrated in photos. That was my that was my profile.
Effy
I am swiping right. swiping right when you do it And then there are pictures with that.
Lucy Sweetkill
So I was like, you know, I'm gonna put it all out there, let me just, you know, and funny enough, he was the last person that I interacted with, because I have this tendency like if I'm gonna be on a dating site, like, I'm just gonna do it, I'm gonna have like, one or two dates a day for like, a few weeks, and then I'm gonna get off because I just like, dive into it. And then I'm like, Oh, I'm done. Right. So he was the last person that I spoke to on Tinder before Tinder actually shut down my account because they don't like people. And this is a political thing that people should know about. They do not like people who are sex workers. Even though I wasn't looking for clients, I wasn't doing sex work. I just felt it was important. I mean, you guys heard my profile, it was important for me to like, say what I do because I just was tired of people finding out what I do. And that being like this big contention between dating and our relationship, I was just like, You know what, you either are okay with this, or you're not. And so let me just put it out there. But yeah, they deleted my account. So he was the last person I talked to, on it. And Nick, why did he Swank?
Nick
Oh, my God, so many reasons. Yeah. So for myself, there's a point in my life where I was dating, I had some long-term relationships with short-term relationships. And I got to the point, I'm a little bit older than Lucy, where I just kind of was a reflection, a lot of reflection, a lot of reflecting back, really understanding that I was feeling these pressures of like this heteronormative society of like, getting married, having kids, and just really kind of taking that all in and try to understand like, is that what I want? What is what else is out there? You know, maybe there's not one person that could fulfill all those needs? What does that look like? What are these non-traditional relationships that might make sense for me, being as in my past, having like, very, very traditional heteronormative relationships as like, there must be more out there? And I'm really open to like understanding and exploring those options. And so when I was swiping, it was somebody who was so candid, it's so upfront, so beautiful, and just had all this essence of like the humor the foodie, just like the strong, independent, business owner, weirdo. I was like, yeah, obviously, gonna swipe right on that. And then, you know, leading up to that day, too, as Lucy was saying, I was the, that was the last person she was going to be meeting before she was shut down. She gave me a very finite window. It was a lunchtime date. It was like 1130, noon, somewhere around there. And my office at the time was really close. But my meeting was running a little late. I was like, There's no way I don't want to be late for this little lunch day. I don't want to put the wrong first impression forward. So like, ran after my meeting as a couple. I walk in, and Lucy was there on a Wednesday AB shirt. And I was like, heart. We just hit it off. I was like, we just fell into the conversation. And that was just really nice. What was
Lucy Sweetkill
also funny, because I didn't realize this, either, but he was like, You didn't take off your sunglasses at all during that day was very, very mysterious, because you're just a photo shoot. Yeah, like a really early thing. And I like it was so early to have this much makeup on. And I was and I didn't really have time to take anything off. And I actually was not expecting him to be cute at all.
Nick
I was mad. I did not have the right pictures.
Jacqueline
Actually, you needed the photoshoot, apparently, yes.
Lucy Sweetkill
He did not have the best photos and we'll kind of go into that. And I'm sorry. I was just kind of like, I didn't think he was gonna be very cute or anything. And then he like came in. I was like, Whoa, that was not what I was expecting. I was like, tall, handsome man that I was like, I was like, okay, and I guess I just didn't take off my sunglasses. And he was like, okay, she's just not gonna take off her sunglasses.
Nick
Level of mystery throughout. can't really get past this, but I kinda I kind of like it.
Lucy Sweetkill
And then we actually ended up having a second date that same day. So I walked him back to his office, and I said, Hey, what are you doing tonight? And he was like, having dinner with you? And I was like, Cool. So then we actually ended up having an official date that night, which was like, really solidified it. But it was kind of funny because I was clear with him that at the time, I was more you know, I have a more poly lifestyle. And you know if this is not something that you really know about, we can talk. And that was very new to Nick. And I was actually dating someone at the same time I was dating him named Nick.
Jacqueline
Wow.
Lucy Sweetkill
So, my friends, had they're like, Okay to next like, how are we supposed to?
Nick
We had nicknames. But yeah, that second, that second date that night was It was when she walked in as the first time I really saw her eyes and like, it was like a very magical moment. But yeah, like kind of this being poly and this, this kind of new, you know, non traditional relationship. That was, I was very open to exploring that. And just, I think, you know, even looking back, I know that having that upfront really solidified our foundation, even though it was new to me, like we formed such a strong bond as friends like hearing about this other neck. I was there for her in terms of like, if she wanted to vent or talk or whatever. And she actually helped me with my Tinder profile. And she did it. Yeah, there's, there's a couple, a couple of nice tagline sheets she threw in there, that was really, really helpful. Some better pictures and things like that. So it really helped build that foundation. And it was really incredible. And it was obviously all new to me.
Jacqueline
Yeah. And it was it in those initial conversations where you talked more about your work, or were you thinking Lucy over time, I'll get into those details. I want to just make sure that we have a connection, and we're going to be building something.
Lucy Sweetkill
No, we I talked about it right away, because I've I had already dealt with issues with dating and my what I do, I mean, I have so many hilarious, but horror stories at the time, but hilarious now. So I had been through that. But I've also had people I dated who are still really good friends who are were just like, didn't care, you know, just were like, cool, whatever. And it was not a big deal. So I, I knew that. Yeah, it could be a challenge. But I also knew that there were people out there who didn't really care. And those moments with different people helped me kind of be more open about it, which is what kind of was my, my last iteration of being on dating sites of just being really out there and being very open. And so I have learned from a lot of that and around like, you know what this is not only what I do, this is something that's really meaningful to me. And I just want to be really transparent, and also be very open to answering any questions. And so interestingly enough, when I was dating the two NICs, they were both two very different outcomes in how they saw my work. So the other Nick, who will call them Chef Nick, because that was his nickname, Chef Nick, like, was in that very, in the boat of like, oh, yeah, I'm totally cool. But then it would come out in these weird ways, where he would, he would make judgmental statements. And I'm just kind of like, okay, where the hell did that come from? Right. versus my current partner, Nick. Like, when I would talk about something, he would just be curious. He would inquire like, Oh, what do you mean by that? Or like, oh, what does that entail? And so it was coming from a place of non judgment, and just curiosity. And then also me saying, like, hey, if any of this makes you uncomfortable, like, let me know. And we can either talk about it or take some space between it. And that's how Nick communicated with me, compared to Chef Nick. He'd be like, oh, yeah, I'm cool. Cool, cool. And then he would say all these like random judgmental things like, Oh, well, if you're poly, does that even mean that you can actually love someone truly? And I was just like, whoa, like, where are they? You know, like, these weird comments would really come out. And so, you know, I obviously was like, you know, what, I'm not dealing with this bullshit, like, and so broke up with him. And Nick and I spent more time together and we were still open, for the most part at the beginning. And then there was a time in our conversations, and I had been open about what I do. He met a lot of, you know, my business partner at the time, he met my sub, and I always kept saying to him, like, if you have any questions, let me know. And he was always he came to the relationship, very curious about the things he didn't know about which were a lot and didn't come at it in a judgmental place, which I really much Appreciate it. But I was also very cautious about because I had already been down that road where people were like, Yeah, I'm totally fine. And then something clicks later on. And then I'm like, Okay, you're actually not fine. So it was a little still cautious because I was like, I've, I've heard this before, are you truly okay with everything, but just time and time. And again, every moment of conversation, anything that could have been upsetting, he came to the situation curious and open to learning, and not judgmental. And like, all those little moments were moments that like solidified our foundation even more, to the point where we decided that we didn't want to date other people, so that we could really build our foundation. And just like the time and energy between work and everything else, like I just didn't have the time and energy to date other people anyways. And I really wanted to focus on building my foundation with him. And so it just kind of grew from that.
Nick
So everything that Lucy was talking about for me, because there's so many new elements to a relationship for me to understand the process, that curiosity where the communication that was, was paramount for this to work was something that was embedded into our relationship early on. And I think as for my experience, before that, like looking back, I don't think I had necessarily great communication with other partners. So this was something entirely different. Were being so communicative being so open, being curious without judgment, and just having these conversations is something that we still hold close to us in terms of like a cornerstone of our relationship. And I think having that and having that open mind really led us down this beautiful path a few few years later. And that's not something necessarily I had, and other relationships and in terms of being so open being so communicative, just putting everything out there asking questions, asking how we feel, and things like that. So it was really is really amazing for me to be a part of that and just to experience things and to learn about things. And then it's worth it's strange, because I was at such a point where I wasn't too concerned going in, really it was meeting interesting people with unique perspectives that we can possibly connect with is that a relationship is that a friendship is that something that's, you know, a non traditional type of really is like, there's, there's all these kinds of possibilities there. So I was so open, where there is no concern of trying to get to an end result, right. And then in terms of Lucy in what she does, and any of that stuff or dating other people, I think at any other point in my life, when I was younger, maybe there might have been some sort of like young jealousy or not fully understanding and not asking the right questions, and but at this point in my life, it felt like none of that was there, you know, I am not a jealous person. And I was so open to exploring this where like, none of that stuff really came in. And obviously, like being so open, it's like, well, if our paths got to a point where we both decided that we wanted to date other people, or maybe minimize our relationship, like, I had to be open to that, because I've kind of signed up to do that early on. So being just so open to all those endless possibilities, really didn't make me extremely cautious. Did I truly love Lucy's company, did I want to lose that I didn't want to lose that at all. But I was I was surely open to having that very fruitful and open conversation to seeing where this would lead. And if anything, I would always imagine Lucy being in my life as a friend as an acquaintance. And I had to be okay with with that as being a possibility as a result as well.
Lucy Sweetkill
Yeah, I think from my perspective, too, like thinking about our relationship, and in general, like the idea of dating a sex worker, right, because I get this question a lot. And I think in private company, we're at a party or whatever, or with mixed company, people who are sex workers and those who aren't. And even just like my own sex work, friends who have seen our relationship and see how solid it is, they kind of they asked, right, they'll be like, like, how do you have a relationship like that? Because it is difficult to be a sex worker and date, it is immensely difficult. I'm not gonna lie that and say that it's easy. It is not fucking easy. It is one of the challenges of being a sex worker. It is definitely one of the challenges. And so I do have a lot of sex work friends who are like, how do you have this great relationship? You know, because Nick is involved in a lot. You know, he's my number one cheerleader. He really is and what I do, and I'm so grateful and lucky Key because I feel a good portion of that is luck, like, we work on our relationship, like all relationships require work that goes beyond what either of us do as a job, like just two people coming together, there's gonna be shit, you know, and you just work on it together. But what I feel I'm very lucky, and this really comes down to luck is that I met someone who was at a place in his life, to be open and curious about what I do, and not judgmental about it, and willing to learn, and also someone who is open minded, you know, and so I'm lucky that I happened to meet that person in a time in my life, when I was ready to let that in as well. Because I definitely am, was a type of person to be like, kind of keep everyone, you know, a little, you know, kind of like one foot out the door, because I'm like, You know what, I'm going to end this before I get hurt, you know, before this just like starts to really hit the fan. And I'm very self sufficient. So I was like, I don't fucking need anyone, you know. And I was in a really good place of the work I've done on myself. And so I wasn't looking for a relationship in this capacity. But it came about because both of us were in that place. And it's hard to say, like, exactly what makes that happen, because there's so much that has to happen. Like, you have to be in a good place with yourself. And the other person has to be in a good place with themselves to tackle any insecurities, communication, problems, whatever. And relationships shouldn't take, especially at the beginning. And I really believe this, like, it shouldn't be that hard. Because the rest of the time, you're going to have some challenging shit. But like, if you're at the beginning, and you're just like, butting heads, and you're just building resentment already, it's just not worth it. Nick and I's relationship, even now, we're like, almost five years in, we have our challenges, but our fighting is fighting for solutions. And it's based in love and care. We prioritize our relationship, we go on date night, once a week, twice a week, sometimes we do the things that you should do in any relationship, whether you're a sex worker or not. We both have busy schedules, and I make it a priority to like spend time with him, even when my schedule is crazy. And he does that vice versa. We talk about things in our lives, we try to do things together, we plan stuff together, like and that I think that has nothing to do with like what I do to
Jacqueline
Nick, I'm curious about kind of you it seems like you came in and approached it with curiosity. And I'm wondering if there were any moments of surprise, moments of surprise, were actually something bothered you that you didn't expect it to about do and then moments where you were where it felt amazing and exciting and interesting in a way that you didn't expect it to. So I don't know, if you were surprised about your reaction to anything as your relationship progressed.
Nick
Real early on, I was amazed and surprised that she wanted to spend so much time with you, there's a moment where she went to travel and she asked me to, to contact her she was away and I really didn't. Because I didn't want to be like totally in your face or like too much and engage you with messages. I wanted to give you a lot of space and really good about figuring it out. And that was the first time is really understanding that she will clearly communicate what she needs. And I have to show if I'm in this reciprocation and like vice versa. And that was there was a big moment in our relationship of like, she really understood that I was I was really into this and exploring this relationship. And that was like the big first surprise in terms of our relationship in terms of what Lucy does. You know, I'm still there's still a lot of funny, shocking surprise moments. And I think early on, like I said, I was really really open. But Lucy was really great at communicating and making sure I was okay with the depths and how far she would like relay specific things and specific parts of her job. And to this day, it's I feel like I've obviously become a lot more comfortable and confident not that I really wasn't upfront but just knowing and talking to her and just understanding the nuances of her day finding the humor in it, finding so many people that are connected to Lucy in this world. It's just been amazing to hear all their perspectives and their stories as well. There are certain certain things in certain boundaries, and Lucy knows this too, in terms of like, certain actions and, and certain things that happen where there's like, stuff that makes me sad or upset or whatever, it's just, it just makes me feel uncomfortable. And we have these clear boundaries set. And if I feel differently, or whatever else, we clearly communicate those,
Lucy Sweetkill
in some of this is like trial and error, you know, like, I'll talk about some aspects of my job, or like activities, right? Or if I took some content and photo which can be, you know, as a conscious status, it can be kind of extreme. Now ask him if he wants to see it. You know, of course, like, consent from my clients where they know it's already going to be made public. And sometimes he's like, No, I'm gonna
Nick
go look through my fingers or something be like, I think so. Nope, nope, maybe not.
Lucy Sweetkill
And that's okay. You know, and I think, I think it's very similar of like, I have friends who are actors, right? Does a partner necessarily wants to watch them on the screen doing a love scene? Maybe not, you know, so maybe that's not the part of the show, or the movie they want to see. And so you know, you don't always know everything of where someone's going to be comfortable. And so him and I will talk a lot about like, Hey, I did this today. And he'll be like, I'm so happy for you, babe. I was like, Do you want to see it? He's like, you know?
Nick
Sometimes it's hard. Lucy has a big smile on her face. And she's just so happy. Like, okay, show me. There's a lot of communication.
Lucy Sweetkill
And I think a lot of times it has to do with growth factor like you get grossed out really, really quickly. And I don't, and I'm just like, I don't want to get grossed out. And so he's just like, no, that sounds great. Awesome. Now,
Effy
what are the boundaries based on? Right? Is it a factor? Because you're getting into some like, dark, icky stuff, and you're just like, oh, I can handle that? Or is it more of emotional stuff? Like what is? Yeah, what? Like, where the edges.
Nick
It's more Vidic factors like, Lucy and I have gross and pain.
Lucy Sweetkill
Yeah, you don't like it when like, when someone really is feeling pain, you're just like, No, no, that sounds like our hurts so bad.
Nick
It really doesn't have to do with the bomb. She forms with her with their subs or any of that, like, I know that those relationships are very special to both parties. And I'm super confident that we have so nothing of that nature. I'm never, I can always open to hear about it or listen about it or understand that. It's more about that kind of gross-out factors. That's where some of those boundaries.
Lucy Sweetkill
Yeah, luckily, it's not been emotional. It's real and I think that has to do it definitely has to do with him being in a certain place and working on himself and all of that. And then I think, Dave, I think you're naturally someone who's not a jealous person. Making this
Nick
young 20s would beg to differ. But yeah, I'm not like that right now. Yeah.
Lucy Sweetkill
Yeah. And then I think it also helps that I'm so transparent about stuff. And so I think being very clear in your communication like really helps on the other side, because I know that what I do can be very hard for people emotionally. And I'm not unaware of that. And and I don't expect people who are not sex workers to just get it right away that I just think that's not really realistic. And so I never was like, well, you should get it and be fine with it. Right? No, I knew that, you know, some of this stuff was sensitive. And so I always took care and being like, okay, so if there's any aspects that you want me to talk about, if there's something that you don't want me to talk about, if you want me to clarify, like I'm here to always kind of talk to you about it and stuff. And so, I've always made the effort to like, keep those communication lines open to talk about it very gently to understand where the other person is coming from if it definitely presses on an insecurity. And I think that helps with you. Like when we've talked about it like you are more comfortable because I'm transparent.
Nick
No, absolutely. And when I talk about like the young 20s knickers, I was in some relationships where they weren't very forthcoming with their actions and what they're doing outside of our relationship. Whereas never felt that way with Lucy. It was there's never any sort of nebulous, kind of like, What is she doing or confusion? It was very clear. We had a lot of discussions and she left a very kind of open forum for me to ask questions and understand that more fully, and if I had questions that came up, like I felt like very, very comfortable asking those questions too. So having that clarity It just drives all the Chelsea away of like, I know where I stand with her. I know everything that she's up to. And I was never really jealous. And
Lucy Sweetkill
I mean, interesting enough, I actually have more jealousy issues than he does in this relationship. And it's something that has nothing to do with him. It has to do with my own past because I've been in relationships thinking that or, you know, agreeing, both agreeing that they were monogamous relationships and unfortunate Lee being cheated on and deceived and things like that. And so I have a past of this a lot of distrust. And I have a lot of trust issues that I've continued to work on over the years and was clear with him that like, here are some of the areas I work on and that are hard for me. And so in our relationships, that stuff has been triggered for various reasons, and not because of him specifically, but things that feel similar, right, and sometimes unknowingly on his part where I try not to blame him for it because it is not his fault. But just make them aware of like, why I did get triggered on this and why I'm feeling really jealous and filling. And I just bring it up with him. So actually, most of the jealousy issues we've ever had has actually been on my part and not on his part
Nick
of you being so open about it really helps me understand what I can do as a better partner to like, help mitigate that help me to have my actions make her feel more comfortable and confident that you know, those things don't come up and she's not triggered in that way. So
Effy
can I ask how does? How does what Lucy does impact if at all? Your sex lives? Right? I'm sure you get asked this often. And especially for you, Nick coming in. And I'm throwing air quotes coming in from the cold right, not really being in the sex positive world and not really being poly. I don't know if you had kinky sort of tendencies. Or you might Lucy how does all of this impact the relationship and also like your sex lives? And Nick, your sexual exploration?
Nick
Yeah, I mean, I think early in our relationship, I think we see the coming six satellite, collider, man. So like, I've had kind of like, an open mind to that really, like was open to exploration and seeing what was out there. So I think all that stuff fascinated me. And I think, you know, when she wrote my Tinder profile, too, I was unconventionally, conventional. So like, I'm a Normie on the outside, but there is a little kinky, kinky monster underneath. So I think if anything, I think it's, I find it actually really kind of something that connects us. I think it's sexy. I think, her being being a DOM and kind of owning that space and the story, she tells him the pictures, I see just all those things, I think, kind of light that fire anymore. And I do I do love that side of her. And I think sexually brings me closer to her.
Lucy Sweetkill
Yeah, I think it's interesting, though, like, and I've talked about this, but my sexuality is very based in power dynamics. And in kink, like I would say, I'm very much actually on the ACE, you know, spectrum. And that's something that was also very hard for me kind of trying to figure out in my whole life, just as a person, and with general expectations of how you're supposed to be in relationships or be while you're dating, like my interest level wasn't in conventional sexual interactions. And I always thought I was kind of like, off, right? And then it actually didn't get better. Being a sex worker, it actually became even more difficult because I was in these hyper sex positive spaces, which was great. But it also felt like there wasn't room for people who are more like asexual, or demisexual. And that conversation was something that was happening. And so I didn't, I was just kind of like, I'd go to like, the sex parties. And I'd go to these events and because I wanted to hang out with my friends. And I'm also like a curious person and a total like voyeuristic pervert. But I didn't want to participate. And I didn't want to like do all those things. And I have I've tried it all because I was like, you know, like maybe this will do it, maybe this and over the years it's been a journey, that BDSM has actually really helped me because BDSM is not so focused on the orgasm, right? Like a big part of BDSM is actually denial and the B UD deny on the beauty of the teas and beauty of that. And it took me a really long time to wrap my head and a lot of conversations with different people a lot of my own research. And in our relationship, I said this to him at the beginning where I said, I don't really have a, you know, a very large high sex drive. I want to be clear that like me not wanting to have like penetrative sex, like, I'm not a big fan of penetrative sex, if this is something you really need, you know, we can talk about solutions, but like, this is not something that I'm able to give. And I was still kind of determining that I told him at the beginning in this very, like, vague way, because I was still trying to figure out what sex you know, in the traditional, like, sense look like, to me, it was very common in my interactions, where I thought I was just getting bored of the relationship. And I would always ask myself, like, why don't I want these things? You know, why don't I interact the same way? You know, why don't I have like a higher sex drive, but you know, and I realized, like, because my sex drive has nothing to do with penetration, or orgasm, it's very cerebral, it has to do with power, and kink really, like just doing weird as shit. And so, so in our relationship, it was very much I felt a lot more comfortable because I started off the relationship being really clear about that. And then as we progressed, you know, there was more conversations around that and more conversations about like, Do you need something more, we can talk about other solutions and stuff and like actually not feeling pressured, that I used to fill in other interactions that I had to perform and be a certain way that just was not me. And so it's allowed me to feel more comfortable in the fact that I am on like, the a spectrum, and that I show my affection and love in a very different way. Because Nick and I are very affectionate individuals. But for us, we interact almost like, for me, I think I interact with him very much like my inner child, which is what I need, because that's the, that's the area that has to be healed for me. And so that is the form of interaction I prefer. That's my type of intimacy is like that very, like childlike, playful curiosity, interaction. That is very not, I guess, in a lot of a way adult. But that's not what I'm interested in either. So I get to have this adult world within my kink and BDSM, which is very satisfying for me. I don't necessarily need that in my private life in that way.
Jacqueline
Yeah, I appreciate you sharing that. Because I do think that that's a different perspective than what people would imagine, would assume going into it. One last question, and then we'll wrap to get you done. Um, so Nick, unlike chef, Nick, who came in with lots of judgment seems like like you really balanced that. Well. How have you managed any judgment from family or friends?
Nick
That's a great question. My close friends know, at least he does. And for those limited few, there really, seemingly has no judgment, once you kind of start to expand that I think there's some individuals that are like, I don't know what to say kind of thing. And then they feel weird. So they just kind of like, avoid it. So there's that. But then there's also there's family and friends really don't like the fact that Lucy's a sex worker and have made or have been vocal about it. And to them, it's, you know, I'm at a point in my life, where my friends, my family, everything is chosen and all the toxicity I've really tried to throw to the wayside. And so I'm okay with, if you don't accept my partner, our relationship might not be where you want it. And I'm fine with kind of moving on without some individuals, as long as they're open and willing to kind of to hear myself and my, my world, my relationship, and they're, they're more than welcome to to continue to be a part of it. But if there's a lot of judgment there, then I'm quick to kind of just go past that.
Jacqueline
Well, thank you much appreciation. I don't know if there's anything else that you'd want to say or name
Effy
before we close.
Lucy Sweetkill
I guess I'll say one thing. dating a sex worker is honestly no different than dating anybody else with a complex job. I have a lot of friends who are not in the industry, and they deal with the same exact problem. Lums there are always going to be very similar problems because in the end at the end of the day, no matter what someone does, it comes down to two people who choose to either care for each other or not. We choose to try to understand each other and try to put in the energy and work to be there for each other. So all the other stuff doesn't really matter. And if it does matter, then that should tell you a lot about yourself and whether you should even be in that relationship.
Jacqueline
One more of mistress Lucy First, check out our interview with her on episode 87 about the role of daddy and kink you can find mistress Lucy sweet kill on Instagram at Lucy dot sweet kill and Twitter at Lucy sweet kill. You can also connect with her on night flirt and only fans by going to her website, Lucy sweet killed.com. If you have a story about sex work and relationships or questions from this episode, let us know Head to the Facebook group and find other listeners and curious foxes. And to keep up with upcoming episodes or share your curiosities about topics. First, make sure that you are following this podcast and that you're liking it so that we can arrive on your phone every single week, and then go to Instagram. That's where we have sneak peeks. We have bits of audio we have questions, and you will be the first to know what's going on. But if you want to be the first to hear our episodes, then you're gonna have to go to Patreon. If you go to we are curious foxes on Patreon then you're going to be able to access episodes before anybody else. Access mini-episodes, and extras videos from educator-led workshops. Finally, you can reach out to us by email and phone at listening to we are curious foxes.com where you can call us at 201-870-0063
Effy
This episode is produced and edited by Nina Pollack, whose invisible hero of our story every week. Our intro music is composed by dev Sahar, we are so grateful for that work. And we're grateful to you for listening. As always, stay curious friends. Take it away. Ms. Missoula
Jacqueline
at Lucy dot see
Effy
what it's hard. It's hard. It's it's hard. This podcast sort of Curious Fox podcast is not and will never be the final word on any topic was solely aimed to encourage curiosity and provide a space for exploration through connection and story. We encourage you to listen with an open and curious mind and we'll look forward to your feedback. Stay curious friends. Stay curious, curious curious. Stay curious.
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