Ep 113: Mental Health Awareness Month, F*** Bubble Baths and Self Care
Art by @alvarocastrodesign
In a world where self-care has become synonymous with warm baths and face masks, how can we truly care for ourselves? Is taking it easy and putting your feet up the best way to support your mental health? How can we find a self-care practice that supports our current mental health needs?
In honor of mental health month, Effy and Jaqueline take an intentional deep dive into focus on the most important relationship in our lives - our relationship with ourselves.
Mentioned on the episode;
Episode 33: Finding The Right Therapist for All Lifestyles with Dr. Thomas Whitfield
Episode 57: Masturbation as self-love and sex nest update with Stella Harris
Episode 92: Trauma, Sense of Safety and the Soma with Rida Kıraşı
To find more about Effy Blue and Jacqueline Misla, follow them at @wearecuriousfoxes, @coacheffyblue, and @jacquelinemisla on Instagram.
If you have a question that you would like to explore on the show, reach out to us and we may answer your question on one of our upcoming episodes. Leave us a voicemail at 646-450-9079 or email us at listening@wearecuriousfoxes.com
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TRANSCRIPT:
Jacqueline
So today, we have a special guest, it is Brooklyn, New York, hearing all of the sounds of the city behind me, I am not in my usual recording spot. And so I'm trying to be as far away from the window as possible. But we're going to hear just New York is going to be a part of this episode, just like it's a part of me and you, New York is going to be a part of this episode.
Effy
Curious Fox and New York, it's like six in the cities curious Fox and the city. In the city, is gonna be the name of Welcome to the curious Fox podcast for those challenging the status quo in love, sex, and relationships. My name is Effy Blue.
Jacqueline
And I'm Jacqueline Misla. And on this episode, in honor of May mental health month, we're going to focus on the most important relationship in our lives, our relationship with ourselves, how can we care for our mental health beyond candles, warm baths and facemasks?
Effy
I'm not really sure how we got to this place. But when we say self care, all the images that pop up, in fact, if you Google self care, all the images that pop up are like wellness and spa halls and baths and manicures and hair masks and face masks. I mean, I think it's about you know, the capitalist influence of our mental health, which is
Jacqueline
gonna say, you know, exactly, to capitalism.
Effy
Yes, the capitalist influence on our self care practices, of course. But that's, you know, I think it's so limited and so reductive and it sends the wrong message.
Jacqueline
Yes, I agree with you. You and I have both had our struggles with mental health. And I think we've tried different things we've ignored, ignored it. That was a strategy for a little while. Right, deny that it had that existed, try to work through it right and not not do anything about it. Try it. I think we both tried to self care stuff, and then realize that there's actually a lot of other things that we need. Sure beyond some bubble baths.
Effy
Exactly. Honestly, I think other than sore muscles, I haven't yet experienced a bubble bath, to actually solve anything. And that's just I know, I know, some people come up with their best material. They're like most relaxing experiences in a bubble bath. For me, I personally, I don't like them. The only time I get into a bath is when I'm, when I'm hurting. If I've done like too much of an activity, and I just need like an Epsom salt bath. And other than sore muscles. Personally speaking, I haven't yet experienced the Bobath assault anything for me. So we need to kind of think beyond that.
Jacqueline
Yeah. So as I say, people, you know, stressed about doing your taxes stressed about having to, you know, do a home project, the bubble bath is not gonna help it that the bubble bath is gonna do your taxes for you that stress will now be alleviated via bubbles?
Effy
Absolutely, absolutely. I think it's worth just taking a minute to talk about why self care is important. And what is it that we're trying to achieve? By self care, right? We're not trying to achieve smooth skin and luscious curls, right? What we try to do is really take care of ourselves. And to be our best thriving self like it is about eliminating the things that get in the way of a striving of our being our best self feeling the best version of ourselves, and how do we eliminate how do we take care of those things so that we can take care of ourselves.
Jacqueline
The irony is that when I do self care things, I actually feel worse about myself. So sitting down to meditate, it's an ongoing practice. But just sitting and not doing anything, or trying not to think of anything is so challenging for my brain. And when I can't do it, I end up just feeling bad about myself. Right? When I am like, I should just be eating this apple and going for a walk and everything will feel better. And then I do that and it doesn't work, then I feel bad about myself. So self care has had the unintended effect on me sometimes of actually making the situation worse.
Effy
Is it self care that's having any unintended effect on you, or it's how you feel about I'm throwing error code failing at it, or thinking you're not doing it properly?
Jacqueline
I do I think I think it's what we're gonna go into today. It was what I was defining as self care, it was the package that was sold to me of self care that those are the things I need to do to be better. So I started to do those things. And I didn't get better. And we should note that in the conversation that we're going to have today, we are talking about strategies that should be considered, as well as any other strategies that you need to protect your mental health, right. So having a therapist taking medication, doing all the things that one needs to do, in order to support their mental health, this is as well as and not instead of. And so I want to, we should note that in advance, because, again, you and I have all of our own things, and we do take talk to, and you don't want to replace any of those things with some book. That's
Effy
exactly exactly this is not isn't not to say, throw your medication and go for a walk instead, that is not our message. It's not our message. If there are things that you already have strategies that you already have in place, and they're working for you, please go forth and keep doing those things and do those as well. If it if it means something to you, if it makes sense to you. And like Jackie said, as well as not, instead of having said that, though, I do you want to make a caveat here, I do have a pet peeve, almost like a mini soapbox, I'm about to get on. I want to be super cautious because this is a fine line. I don't want to invalidate mental health care, I don't want to invalidate doctors and therapists and unqualified people who do this for a living her worked hard and studied hard. And, and God's got to do what they're doing. This is not invalidate all of any of those things. And I do have a little bit of a pet peeve that anytime that I've been struggling and going to a psychiatrist, or a therapist, a therapist is like different definitely psychiatrist, it's very rare, almost never I get asked how much I'm sleeping, how much I'm exercising, and how much water I'm drinking. Like, I don't get asked those basics. I happen to know about this stuff. And I you know, try to do all that stuff, though. You know, that's actually some basic stuff that I failed to do myself. But I feel like sometimes psychiatrists, especially in the US are quick to just prescribe you something to make you feel better, rather than sort of starting with the basics and saying like, how is your self care? Like, how are you taking care of yourself? Can we get some of that stuff, right, and then try the next level of things like, you know, medication and, and other interventions. Once you're, you know, regularly hydrated, once you're getting your seven, eight hours of sleep a night, once you're sort of doing minimum of 20 minutes of exercise a day, like let's just get those in place, and then see what kind of support we need out of a pill bottle. That I wish, I wish that there is more of that, which is not to say people don't need medication, and they don't need medical help and, and doctors and interventions. It's just that fine line, that encouraging people to have good self care practices before we medicate them. I don't know, I feel like it's just a better strategy.
Jacqueline
For it's the same thing we were talking about before. It's as well as not instead of so medication also should not be instead of taking care of these other important parts of of your humanity when I was probably about 20 was the first time that I went to a psychiatrist and was dealing with depression and anxiety. And I remember I was there for all five minutes, maybe I remember he asked me my weight and my height and my age. And then I was prescribed some pills. And that was it. And I never took them. I never took them because it felt so strange to just have a there wasn't a conversation around what this would do what this man how it should feel. And so I never did. And I did not revisit taking medication for two years, almost 20 years later. And this time around is such a different experience. We had a conversation not only around, you know what my anxiety my depression felt like and what medication could support that. But also we did some blood tests to see what kind of nutrition I was having. We did some she told me about different types of tea that would help with my sleep. Exactly. We did a bunch of different exams, I changed I eliminated a bunch of stuff from my diet. I started to increase the my time outside there were so many things that I did in conjunction with the medication. And so I think that's what we're saying in all cases. And not or right. That's the philosophy.
Effy
Yes, exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Another piece, I think is worth thinking about which we want to do a deeper dive into, which is the self care is actually kind of a big topic. We kind of say self care. And like we said at the top of this conversation, we think of bubble baths. But I think if we can sort of go into different types of self care, we might be able to navigate our way to the right type of self care for what we need in that moment.
Jacqueline
Yes, bubble baths is the Menara Give me of the Mental Health self care work. Because what it is like the thing that they say, right? It's like you want to be well take a bubble bath and put on a face mask, right? You want to be relationship monogamy is the way it is? Yes. Both as in face masks are the monogamy of care.
Effy
Yes. I like that I like vanilla effects of like vanilla sex. Sounds good?
Jacqueline
Yes, yes. And I think what we what we've always done on this episode is to say there are so many other options, there's so many other ways. And similarly, there are so many ways in which we get stressed, there are so many ways in which we need to care for our mental health. So there's emotional self care, practical self care, physical self care,
Effy
mental self care, and social self care and spiritual self care. So we actually kind of group them. And then we want to go through them to really talk about what each of those mean and more some more examples and, and maybe share some of our favorite self care strategies in that area to really give you as we like to do on the show inspiration and permission to design your own design your own self care practice for you to thrive in your relationship with yourself, by the way, which will then reflect on to all the other relationships that you have in your life. So that's kind of how we want to structure this this episode. So let's start. Let's start with emotional self care. The big one, I feel like they're all kind of big, but I feel like emotional self care is the big one. The way that I think about it are activities that really help you connect process and reflect on your emotions, right? Essentially figuring out safe spaces, allocated times dedicated energy to feel your feelings. Yes,
Jacqueline
I have to say this is the one probably that is the most important for me, is when I realized that I am not giving myself space to feel. Now sometimes I do that intentionally, right. There are times where I'm about to head into a meeting. And something terrible comes across my phone from the news. And I say to myself, you can you can absorb this and feel this later. This is not the moment where you're gonna feel all the feelings. So we're going to put that on pause. But later on, I'm going to give you an opportunity, we're going to go into the shower, we're going to cry it out, like we're going to experience this thing but not right now. And so there are times where that is a thoughtful strategy. And there are times where I am just avoiding all the feelings because they feel uncomfortable. And I do think that that then becomes the origin for so many other things that impacts how my physical body that impacts my sleep that impacts my eating. And so I understand why you say this is one of the biggest ones I do think that this is foundational
Effy
by the way crying also one of my favorite emotional self care activities like allocated time, space, energy, safe space to have a good cry is as far as I'm concerned. It's cathartic. It's a great emotional self care exercise. And I think afterwards during it feel all the feelings afterwards. I feel great. I feel like I'm Yes, weight was lifted off me something got flushed out. You know my body kind of like returns back to level having discharged whatever is being clogging up the system for a while. So crying counts
Jacqueline
is a good commercial for crying. We are we totally recommend that you skip the bubble bath and you cry. That is that is the recommendation.
Effy
Exactly like getting some comfy pajamas get like good tissues and you know grabbing your blankie your teddy whatever, it gives you comfort and it's okay like we all have them and just have a good cry.
Jacqueline
I agree. You know for me part of what's helpful is writing things down writing, talking, creating art, moving playing music, of the of the genre or tone or emotion of the thing that I need to feel. I remember one time I this was after a breakup, I'll call it that it was after you know a period where kind of this relationship that was blooming we realized would not be able to be and so I was running and running and trying to get out my feelings and I was listening to this Christina Aguilera song, the words of which had nothing to do with my situation with the like tone the feeling in the song was what I was feeling and I just played it on repeat and like sobbed and ran and just kept listening to this song over and over and over because it was like a direct line into the emotion that I needed to experience and to release.
Effy
I love that. I love that whatever it takes whatever it takes. Another one that good one for me is seeing a therapist you know that That's essential, I know that it's not available for everyone. So I want to be so mindful of that. Because I think we know we say, have a therapist, and I know that not everyone's has access to that. And therapy can be really expensive and not, not all healthcare covers it and sucks and should actually be free. That's another story. But if it is available to you, if you can, you know, if your budget is tight, like is there anywhere that you can cut from, you know, to then have somehow have a you know, budget for therapy, it is life changing, it is absolutely emotional self care activities. So you can have therapy, go for that as well. For me, it was life changing, I stumbled into therapy, I went to my now I know that I was having a total meltdown. At the time, I was just like, I'm tired, I can't sleep I'm, I can't think like I had all the physical issues. So and see my GP. And I happen to have a great GP at the time, because I have been privileged enough to have good insurance. And I told her all the things that was going wrong with me. And she was like, ah, again, we did some blood tests and everything else on came back. And she was like, Okay, I think you need to see somebody else. And she directed me to a psychiatrist who was also doing therapy, which also was rare, life changing. At that point in my life. I didn't know any of this stuff. And it was probably the single most important moment in my life that changed the course of what was happening for me.
Jacqueline
We did an episode with Dr. Thomas Whitfield, where we talked about how to find a mental health care professional and the different types of therapy that exists. So just want to name that not everything is still talk therapy. Not everything is about laying on the couch. And so if that's the thing that you're picturing in your mind, there are other ways in which you can get support from a therapist. So yes, yes to crying yes to therapy. And I'm creating a little checklist right now. Yeah, well, the thing Yes,
Effy
the journaling so important. Yeah.
Jacqueline
Okay. So, since we're talking about writing and journaling, I want to talk about a different form of self care, which is practical self care, because there are some times where you just need to do a thing, in order to release the stress of it. So I'm gonna give you an example, all week, all day, all week, I'm in meetings, and I'm, you know, taking notes on different pieces of paper and in the computer. And by the end of the week, it feels as if I am holding my breath, the only way for me to exhale is to write a list, I need to write a list of all the things that I need to do, of all the things are in my mind in all the categories of my life. And as soon as I finish that, normally, like a four page list of things that are in my head, once I get that on paper, I feel like I can breathe again, it doesn't mean it still means I have to do all the things on this list. So that's not great. But there's something about just holding on to all of that, that a to do list is just yourselves beautifully. A chef's kiss to to do this.
Effy
Absolutely, that I do think that it's one of the main pillars of practical self care, which is actually tasks that you can play to fulfill the core aspects of being human right core aspects of your life, so that you prevent stressful situations and practical, practical, practical. That's why to do list number one, to do lists are a great way to start that same as like organizing your home, getting a handle on your finances, that big one, I think people carry around so much anxiety around finances. And some of that, definitely I'm guilty of that is just because I don't have a handle on it. I've done things that are out of routine. And in my mind, I can't keep you know, I can't keep up with the math. And I just, you know, I don't know how much is coming in how much is going out and I haven't done. I haven't taken care of myself in and done my than my finances. So what that shows up for me just anxiety around just generalized anxiety around money, where it's not really about how much money I have. It's just the fact that I just don't know, I haven't done I haven't done the math. So just taking care of that is for me enormous amounts of practical self care.
Jacqueline
And many of us I imagine depending on the type of work you do are doing spreadsheets, maybe even budgets for portions of your work but not for yourself. Again, my hand is raised here to getting a handle on my finances making sure that I feel in the know so I'm not always stressed is a constant practice for me and even what you didn't you mentioned about organizing your home. Same thing like a to do list, like cleaning up the area around me cleaning the kitchen. Oh my gosh, that's like therapy, right? Like listening to a podcast and doing the dishes or like putting things away and organizing them. There's something about having a clear space, and like feeling that feeling of spaciousness.
Effy
Sure. Exactly. For somebody who struggles with ADHD. I don't want to say I want to stop. I just loaded with money, I want to change my language. Yeah, I want to talk about somebody who navigates adhd with grace. That's you. That's Dre. That's, that's how I want to deal with that. From now on, I just had an epiphany. Somebody who navigates on ADHD agrees, organizing my environment is top priority self care. If my desk is scattered, which it is, some of it actually is organized chaos that a neurotypical person will just be overwhelmed by some of it is like organized chaos that is organized, the way that my mind is organized. But some of it is just like, things that shouldn't really be there and making that distinction and clearing the things that shouldn't be that and leaving the organized mess is so so important from a mental health for sure. Yeah, I think the other piece that falls into the practical self care stuff for me is, if there's an area of my work, or what I'm doing, that I feel not confident about, instead of ignoring it and feeling shitty about it, like doing some personal development activity, you take a class, speak to a coach, do some research, you know, binge on YouTube videos about it. I think, to me, that's also practical self care. Like, I do a lot of public speaking, I do this podcast, and it's something that's on my mind all the time. Like, whenever I listen to myself, I'm always like critiquing the way I sound and always wondering how I can be better. And every now and then I'll get some support around it. And it really just, okay, like, here's some more tools, like, here's some more knowledge, here's how I can improve. That also gets me out of a hole, and it feels like I'm taking care of myself in kind of a kind of practical way.
Jacqueline
Yeah, I totally see what you're saying is an example of if the first step is for us to give ourselves space to feel the thing. After we feel the thing I think figuring out it sounds like what some of the source of that thing is, so is it is it stress and anxiety in the sense of concern around worth, as it has to do with finances? Is it about insecurity, because there's some skill that you feel like you need to build and so you keep avoiding a particular thing, or you feel uncomfortable? In particular things you build that skill? Is it? Is it that your house feels out of order your to do list feels, what is the thing that you can do like the next step, to start to address it. Outside of again, I've skipped the Bobath make the to do list cry, make the to do list, take a class, actually. So one of the classes that I want to take that is about my mental health in that I need to move more is a burlesque class.
Effy
We would love her last class, actually,
Jacqueline
I would love Yeah, so I'm going to be taking one when take a for less class this summer. And I'm excited about it. Because number one, it'll address taking a class stimulating me learning something. But number two, it's going to get me to move. Because I personally need as you know, physical self care, you are always telling me to move and my brain, my brain tells my body that we're fine, we're fine, we don't need to go anywhere sitting in front of the computer is just fine. But my body feels otherwise,
Effy
totally. And that beautifully leads us to physical self care, which I think is for me is as important as emotional self care. Because for me, those things are so tied together. And it's activities that you do to improve your well being of your physical health, right, and then going to the gym is a classic one. And for me it's finding movement, that unblocks whatever is being held in my body. And like for me, that's what physical physicals of care is. Sometimes it's just taking a walk when I feel stressed. And sometimes it's doing two hours of five rhythms where I'm like, dancing my heart out to an extent that I actually need to take a bubble bath afterwards.
Jacqueline
Yes, and something about particularly if it's nice weather, being outside healing, being outside in nice weather, healing, moving healing. I actually am there's a video of this and I'll see if I can find it if I can an earth it. One of the things that I love to do is is like dance, right? Just like angry dance is what my partner calls it. It's just like I have so much built up energy in my body. And I can tell when I'm starting to feel like claustrophobic when I'm starting to feel like I need to do something and I'm starting to get agitated it means now I need to move so I didn't need to run or I need to dance. And I have been listening to classical metal music Beethoven for example, but like a metal band is doing a cover of it and I'm yes
Effy
zest
Jacqueline
zest with it. And so, I had my the you know, few weeks back I had I was in my pajamas. I had my headphones on I had and I was just like
Effy
Ingram's
Jacqueline
Right exactly and my partner video video It's a little clip of it. So I'm gonna see if I can post that. But it really does just that moving. I feel so much better because I am somebody who and who feels claustrophobic after a little while. I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like my the life that I have built very and designed on purpose, sometimes at some point feels confining. And it's too many things. And I feel like I just need to run away. And so physically, sometimes I just need to run, run away. Get it out of my system. And then and then I feel better.
Effy
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I recently have started doing something called somatic somatic experiencing, which is a type of therapy that combines talk therapy with somatic Soma, the body, you know, and we talked about that on episode 90 G with radar Karasu, who is really well trained at this. She's She's amazing. And I'm working with somebody that she recommended. And it's been super, super interesting. I know, one of the sessions, a range room came up, maybe heard of a range room, you know, our range room is no, no. So they're all the trend. So a range room is a room that is designed for you to go and region. So there's like things in there and baseball bats and things that you can destroy things that you can kick and scream, things that you can damage, like really, like, tap into that aggressive energy, and like, just like go for it. You can like break things and smash things and kick things and throw things and like really see them break. You know, it's a get all your rage out. And then you just like walk out of the room, and somebody either cleans up after you or they just like keep adding more things. Just add more things for people to like, break. So one of the things that came up was a raised room. I feel like that's also self care, right? They're spending like, I feel like spending an hour and arrangement but I feel like you really just spend like 10 minutes in arranged room. I think after that you're exhausted if you're really doing it, right. I feel like five to 10 minutes is probably all you need. But I feel like that is great self.
Jacqueline
Yes, I want and maybe this is the space for that I've been thinking about this. I want a place where I can scream. You can't just like scream in your apartment or scream because hopefully someone is going to come check on you. Right? Like that's I'm hopefully not screaming the industry and nobody will do anything. But I want to scream without interference. I want to first of all, I want to practice screaming, I don't even know if I've ever screamed. And so I've thought about like, god forbid something did happen to me and someone tried to take me I don't even know how I would scream what that would sound like like if my body would know what to do. So I need some screaming practice. But I think it would get a lot out of my system. If I just like screamed and threw something rage right now and raise
Effy
room Find yourself a rage room. And also there are really awesome therapies and classes where you do think it is cold, we'd have to look at that and put it on the show notes. But like so either like sound therapy or voice therapy where you do tap into when you do make noise. Like the whole idea is that you make noise you make that you can scream you can do like guttural grunting like they really get you to make sound. And for me, I did it. And I actually found that I thought it was gonna be so much easier than I experienced that I thought it's gonna go there and like make sound but for some reason, it turns out my throat chakra is blocked, which is information that I learned for somebody that talks a lot. I thought that was really interesting. And when it came to like making sounds, yeah, I just felt like I couldn't get them out. And not because I couldn't make the sound but I just couldn't release them out of my body. Which again, I thought I have the experience through movement, right so I do a lot of releasing stuff out of my body through movement and the idea is to do that through your voice. I couldn't do it. It was really really hard. I got really emotional and and like bumped up and I couldn't get it out. So try it. It's good.
Jacqueline
Yeah, so we have feel the feeling and make a to do list and clear your space. Do some physical care move in your space. Actually, I'm going to add one more thing as relates to physical care and I'm going to do this because not only is it mental health month, it's also masturbation month
Effy
I knew this was coming. A lot
Jacqueline
of alliterations are happening in May. But yes, I need to do a plug. i This is like we're doing a plug for crying. This show is sponsored by cry masturbation.
Effy
We also be done at the same time.
Jacqueline
That's exactly yes. The Two episodes ago the date night episode I did a soapbox on how I hate the word masturbation. So if you haven't listened to it, go listen to I hate it but I love the action of it. The things that I really do appreciate about it is it releases the like nice chemicals in my body is a distraction. I figured this out when we first opened up, or rather when my wife and I are open and she first started to see somebody else and start to build a partnership there. Whenever I would think about them together, I would start to feel jealous and tight and anxious and all these things in my body. But then I would also start to feel turned on and want to like do something about that. And it was a mindfuck honestly, for a little bit because I was like, am I turned on by them together? That's okay. But is that the thing? Am I turned on by the jealousy, like, I couldn't figure out why there was a connection there. And then I realized that it was my body, trying to say like, Oh, this feels uncomfortable. I know something that feels good, say, a little break. Let's take a little break from this stress. Let's come over here. Let's do this and everything will feel better. And it once I understood that I was like, I number one, was able to connect those dots. But then I was able to use it intentionally. And say, I'm feeling stressed out right now I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm going to go take a few minutes, and I'm going to release all of those nice chemicals into my body so that I can feel a little more calm, a little more present. It's my form of meditation, frankly, because I come out of that, and I feel much more present in this space than I did before.
Effy
I cannot agree with you more. In fact, if you remember, we did a whole episode called masturbation as self love, and the sex next with so Harris in Episode 57. So Stella got into the details of how to set up your masturbation session is like self care and self love and creating a sex nest and all that kind of stuff. So jump on to Episode 57. To how to do it. Well, masturbation is self care and self love. Yes, please
Jacqueline
think of it like a celebration is masturbation month, make it a holiday. I listen to the episode set up your sex and asked and then
Effy
Yes, exactly, exactly. Absolutely. Absolutely. And one of my other areas of self care, mental mental self care. I know that if I don't make time to learn, to challenge myself, mentally, I get disconnected from humanity as a whole. Tell me more. I need that mental stimulation. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel connected. I feel fed. If I haven't read a book, if I haven't tackled the challenge, if I haven't wrapped my head around a new idea, I just feel stale. My mind just feels like cobwebby. And I feel like I'm just going round and round the same thoughts and ideas. I start to feel close to phobic. He has a massive knock on effect on everything else, just like any of this stuff. But I really need that I really need I have a hunger for new ideas, new discussion, new knowledge. And if I ignore that, it doesn't it doesn't feel good.
Jacqueline
Yeah, that's still feeling actually is part of I think what leads to me eventually feeling claustrophobic is when my conversations particularly in my partnerships start to revolve around only the day to day, did we need to get more orange juice, who's going to do the laundry? What time are we going to drop off. And if that becomes it just becomes so stale. I think that's the best word for it. And so I am like, alright, we all need to go listen to a podcast, and come back and share share notes, we need to read a book, we need to go to a cut some thing to insert some conversation that it allows for thought creativity debate, I have all of these words sitting in my mind all of these ideas that want to be tapped into. And you're right, it really does create a sense of frustration and staleness when you can't access those things.
Effy
Right, right. Or just I just know, I already know everything, right? Meaning they're all in my head, like I already know, the things I know. And then at some point, I'm like, this is just like, I'm boring myself. Essentially. I'm like, I'm boring myself because I'm boring myself, I'll get disconnected from myself. And a lot of self care is about connecting with yourself. And I do I literally bore myself where I'm just like, I'm not interested in myself. So when I put in new information when I learned something new, and just also because the way that my brain works, it's just like lights up multiple circuits you know, it'll just like connect from here to here to here to here to here. And then that just for me is is refreshing it clears cache, it adds new new ideas, new excitement into my world. So I can definitely I know the difference between not taking care of that mental stimulation versus learning something new or solving a puzzle. Like I took a brief flight yesterday and I didn't want to be on my phone. I didn't want to be on the I don't want to watch in flight entertainment and on the way and I grabbed I grabbed a newspaper and I just like turned to the and I you know I didn't really want to read the newspaper either. But I turned to the crossword. And like for the hour flight I just like did a crossword which is hard for me because I was doing in a different language, but it was like It was stimulating. And I was just like, I can do this, I can do this. And it felt so good. Like, in that hour I came out of the flight. I was like, Oh, that was that was satisfying. I didn't finish it because it was really hard. But I like really put my mind to it. I focused on one thing I was trying to problem solve. I was coming up with ideas. It felt really
Jacqueline
good. That's fantastic. Yes, yeah. You know, another way in which I start to feel stale, and this happened to me, just this weekend, is when I am feeling stuck inside, when I feel when I don't feel social, let me put it that way. If you are, if you are in around the Brooklyn area, and you would like to hang out sometime. To have me because there are there are times where I'm just I'm like, I'm in the greatest city in the entire world. And I'm in my apartment and and like inside and I want to be outside I want to be amongst the people. I want to be I'm about to start singing like, you know, The Little Mermaid, I want to be
Effy
with people I
Jacqueline
want to see them dancing, but that I really am like, I need to go outside, I need to be social, I need to go have brunch, I need to go have a mocktail or a cocktail, I need to go just sit in the park and people watch. But there are times where the thing that I actually need is not to retreat into myself, but actually to be amongst other people.
Effy
Absolutely, that is one of the things that I really need, I really need to be careful of I can definitely neglect social self care, because I have a story in my head that if I don't feel well, I should be alone take care of myself on my own. This is such a typical, at least for me is like hashtag fail of self care, which is the thing that you were talking about, at the top of this this episode, right that you do a thing thinking it's going to fix the thing, and then you feel shitty about the fact that it didn't fix the thing. And now you're filling in some other thing. That doesn't feel right. And this is like this is this is exactly where I fall into that hole, where I think I don't, I don't feel great. Something needs to happen. And I choose wrongly, to do it on my own in my apartment or in my room. And what I really need actually is like social connection, like I need social self care, I need to have brunch with people, I need to go on a date, I need to connect with people make that effort, and not think that being alone is going to solve it. And also same like I feel at least for me, the more I choose to be alone, the more I end up being alone. And I find it hard to connect and socialize when I know I need it. So I do have to make it a conscious practice to take social self care, and sit there and look at my messages and go go back to the messages that I've ignored or never got back to people who have kindly and graciously and generously reached out to me and I didn't get back to them. Because in that moment, I didn't, you know, I felt that I should be alone, I didn't want to connect with people. I do set aside time to go through my whatsapp to go through my messages and just get back to people. And also just, you know, send short messages to people saying I'm thinking about you, you're my mind, how are you, which is something that I really need to work on. Because when I have those connections, I know I feel better. Like it is important. Self Care is an important self care strategy for me to really get socially connected, and it doesn't come naturally. So it's something that I really need to work on.
Jacqueline
Can we also normalize just saying sending someone a text and saying I'm thinking about you, and then I'm sending an emoji? Or maybe I'm thinking about you too, without actually having to be a conversation? Because that actually is what prevents me sometimes from socializing or texting folks back and forth is then they were like, well, how are you? And how are things and now I'm tired already. Like I saw your text asking you how I am. And now I'm tired. And now we won't talk for three months. Like now I can't respond because it's just too much to answer. And so I don't ask people how they are I generally to your point say hey, thinking about you, but with like those people so if you're listening, just say thing do you value to send me an emoji every once in a while emojis are also my text love language. But you're absolutely right. Sometimes it is, it feels like it's going to be exhausting to connect, but being able to know that you have that community out there does make you feel better.
Effy
Yes. Also clogs the system. For me, knowing that there are a bunch of people out there that haven't heard back from me, it's like, it's like, it's to me, it's the same as like not paying my taxes. It's like unclosed tabs and gas is just sitting there right? And these people are people that I you know, I care about and I just haven't got back to them because I am in a stuck place. And I'm not taking care of myself, you know, and I think one of the things I actually to mention this is a great time to mention that actually, but I was gonna mention it at the end but I feel like this is a great time to mention this. Self Care sometimes sounds like it should be easy. Like you should be taking it easy, right? That it should be like something that you do should be effortless that Being effortless is a part of the self care dynamic, hence the bubble baths, right? You run a bath you jumping in, and voila, you're doing self care. Actually, self cares is sometimes doing hard things to relieve some of the pressure, so you can feel better afterwards. So sometimes self care is actually doing hard things, which can be having difficult conversations with people that you've been ignoring, or, you know, saying things like, I'm sorry, I haven't got back to you for the last six months, you are on my mind. I'm sorry. I'm thinking about you. You know, when I'm ready to talk to you, if I'm not ready, I'll call you. Let's grab a coffee, something like that to sort of just like, bite the bullet and do those things. I think one of the big misconceptions is that self care should just be light, and fluffy and easy. But taking care of yourself is kind of hard. Humans are hard to take care of. They really are.
Jacqueline
Yeah, there have been times where I've avoided my phone or my inbox for a long time, because I knew there was a message there. Probably the message was just like, Hey, how are you? And then I never responded. And then a week went by that a month went by and I felt bad about it. And then now I have like negative associations with that person who really just wanted to see how it was doing connected me. It's like this whole story happens. Yes,
Effy
yes. I want to I want to actually be super honest about this. I currently have an on listen to voicemail from not not a not like a spam, but I know I know who it's from right. From October 24 2021. It's a 14 minutes. Oh, wow. Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's a 14 second, oh,
Jacqueline
God, it's a 14 minute,
Effy
sorry, 14 second voicemail from somebody that I know, that I haven't listened to, from six months ago. It's just sitting there. And I know, it's because I have that read number one sitting on my phone icon on my phone. Every time I look at it, I see it, it stresses me out. And what I really need to do is take care of myself. And just listen to the message and make that red one dot this appear. And I don't do it and something that I need to do.
Jacqueline
Yes. All right now I just I my phone isn't black and white so that I can see anyway. That is the way that's the way I do self care. Yes. So okay, so I want it so far, we are going to feel the feelings and cry it out if that's okay, if that's we would or laugh it out, whatever the thing is, we are going to move, we're going to do something practical, we're gonna make some to do lists, we're gonna clean up some stuff, we're gonna get our finances together, if that's the thing that's stressing us out, we are going to move we're gonna masturbate, we're gonna run, we're gonna walk, we're gonna do anything that feels like we're in our body, and we're gonna get out there. And either out there on our own or out there with other people, we're going to try to get rid of some of those red dots that are on our phone with people who are waiting for us. Go go hang out with somebody connect with somebody. And I think the last thing that we should add to this list of self care is around continued with connection. But now connection to spirit, connection to nature connection, connection to big see community, like global community that That's spiritual. Self Care, I think is something that I I find myself longing for sometimes.
Effy
Mm, yeah, connection to something bigger, whatever that means to you. Right? It's like nurture your spirit and allow you to connect to something that is bigger than you as a part of that. And for some people, that's religion, right? For some people, that's religion. And that's, you know, that's doing things like go into a house of worship, like a mosque, or a temple or church. And that's okay. Like, there's nothing wrong with that. And for some people, it has nothing to do with the religion, it is just something that is of a higher power that feels somehow feeds their spirits, right. It's like meditation, yoga, it is you know, doing rituals that you know, that work for you. I'm a big, big fan of mourning rituals, not like not like mourning like the sun's coming up. But mourning as in like something is lost, like mourning a loss, doing like a, you know, something like that, I think is really, really powerful. I know that people do it on the lunar calendar, either on the new moon or the full moon, though, make a ritual to burn something to mourn something to let go of something. I think those are all great self care, spiritual self care practices.
Jacqueline
Yeah. We were talking about the red dot and like avoiding the thing and frankly, God sometimes feels like the red.in my life like I know it's they know I know the universe and God and spirit is there at least, you know, part of my faith system is that there's something there and I want to feel connect like I want to respond like I feel like every once in a while God's like how you doing and then I just like don't look at the message and I just
get back to God at some point, God can see me they know I'm busy. So then it'll be okay. It'll be okay. But that's I mean, it's completely wrapped up in how I grew up and the religious construct that I grew up in my family, and that torture of of wanting to have faith and be a part of a spiritual community, but also having been made to feel ashamed because of who I am by that by that religion and that faith. And so it feels all twisted up within me. And, and recently it was it was Eastern here in the states and the Christian world, in the Christian world yet, and I was trying to figure out like, how do I, what do I want to do today? How do I want to feel today, normally, you know, I would have gone to church when I was younger, and would have read all these things and sung songs. And so I read some poetry, I read a beautiful poem, it's on my Instagram called Jesus at the gay bar uses that fantastic pole. And it made me feel like I can be all the things together. And so I took a shower, I listen to like gospel music. And then I went about the rest of the day, but I decided that I was going to allow myself to tap into some curated spiritual experiences that felt both nostalgic, but also tapped into that need inside of me. So it's a work in progress. But it is something that is feels important.
Effy
For sure. I think it is important, I think it can be neglected, especially because I think spirituality and religion can be a minefield, even spirituality, I think certain versions of spirituality also feels, I don't know, I think when I say woowoo, that's what I mean, it can also feel a no, almost artificial or to culty. And I don't know, I actually find the spiritual self care piece, the most minefield for me to find the right things, I think, because I didn't grow up with religion, I don't even have something prescribed that I can like, be like, Oh, maybe I can do that. So I kind of make it up as I go along. For example, so I'm currently living in a Muslim country, and it is Ramadan. So happy Ramadan, those people in the Muslim world, which means for 30 days, Muslims around the world are fasting from sun up to sundown, so no food, no water, no nothing. You wake up before sunrise, you have some food you fast throughout the day. And then once the sun goes down, you have a meal. And that is you for 30 days, at the end of which you will then celebrate Eid, where you eat and feast in and visit elders and, and all that kind of beautiful fun stuff. So I have been traveling, so I haven't really been observing any of it. Not that I would observe. But when in Rome, before the end of Ramadan, I am actually going to fast for one day, which is something that you can do. So I'm gonna get up before sunrise and eat a little bit of food. And then I'm going to fast throughout the day, and then have a nice meal after sundown. And all as a spiritual practice and a bit of spiritual self care. Why not? When in Rome? Why not go with the flow and do something that is a part of the culture? Yeah.
Jacqueline
So a few weeks ago, we talked about date night. And one of the things that we talked about was doing a self assessment and doing there's this fuel gauge activity that I created for my clients that we can put in the show notes. But essentially looking at what where do you feel full? And where do you feel empty. And I feel like that's the same practice that we need to have here as relates to our mental health. Before you light that candle and put on that bubble bath. Just take a second to really do a scan and say what is actually the thing that I need right now? Do I need to just go do that budget? Do I need to just make that a phone call to my mom? Do we need to go for a walk? Do we need to get something to eat? Like what what is actually your body will tell you? Probably because you're there as soon as you think about it, you don't want to do it. And that's my sign. When as soon as I think about it, I'm like no, not that I'll do something else. I'm like, oh, god dammit, that's the thing I need to do. And so do that scan. And then that's what we're like choose your own adventure. I think that this is what it's about. Choose the pathway forward, based on that.
Effy
Exactly. When I think about self care, the advice, the wisdom, that I find myself come back to over and over again, is something that I've read that Gabriela Roth, the founder of five rhythms has written that I've talked, I've talked about this before on this episode, but I just find it so profound. I just want to like throw it in there. As often as I can get it in there. She poses this question. She asks, Are you disciplined enough to be a free spirit? And to me, it's such a profound question. And I think it's relevant here when we're talking about self care. Self Care, like I said before, is not supposed to be easy. It's not taking it easy by default. It is not light by default. It requires discipline. It requires effort. It requires getting it right for it to really work. And, you know, we're giving we've been anti bubble bath for the entirety of this episode. I think what we I think we're just using bubble bath as a euphemism for the frivolous stuff that we get told to do, as a part of our self care routine that doesn't actually serve us that doesn't, it's not really touching the corners. It might in the right situation, if that's really what you need. And a bubble bath is going to do it for you. Of course, Bobath is the right thing for you. But it is not the default right thing. And I think we need to know thyself, we need to know what's going on with us what we need, and sometimes choose to do hard things, so that we can really feel the wholeness of ourselves that we can really thrive and we can show up in the best way that we see ourselves. Here here. Yes.
Jacqueline
If you have some strategies that you use to support your mental health, head to our Facebook group, we are curious foxes and find other listeners, share tip share ideas, talk about all the latest episodes. If you want to read the poem, Jesus at the gay bar, see me angry dance, or get clips and previews from the show then go to Instagram. Also, we are curious boxes at Jacqueline Missler at coach Effie blue. Find us in all the places and spaces on Instagram. And while you're on your phone, save, follow share this podcast, it will help us continue to do the work that we're doing and challenging the status quo. And for those of you who support us on Patreon, thank you. That is the space where not only can you get the episodes a day in advance, you get access to all of our workshops to behind the scenes and to jackin Fe after hours every once in a while where we record something just for our Patreon fans. And lastly, if you have something that you would like to share with us a question and idea feedback, please feel free to reach out you can do so by emailing us at listening at we're curious foxes.com DMing us on Instagram or Facebook or giving us a call at 201-870-0063
Effy
This episode is produced and edited by Nina Pollack, who brings us peace of mind among the chaos of producing a podcast. Our intro music is composed by dev Sahar. We are so grateful for that work. And we're grateful to you for listening. As always stay curious friends.
Jacqueline
On the noise behind me welcome to New York. Okay, if you stupid trucks Alright, come on New York. We just need two more minutes. Should
Effy
New York should go back when it was like
Jacqueline
no, and like the city never sleeps Amish go to sleep.
Effy
Curious Fox podcast is not and will never be the final word on any topic. We solely aim to encourage curiosity and provide a space for exploration through connection and story. We encourage you to listen with an open and curious mind and we'll look forward to your feedback. Stay curious friends. Stay curious and curious, curious, curious. Stay curious.
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