Ep 111: Date Nights Beyond Dinner, Masturbation, and the Soapbox
Art by @reesabobeesa
Why are date nights so important? What happens when date nights become an obligation or duty? How can we approach date nights with creativity and ensure they are in service of the relationships and those in it?
In this episode, Effy and Jacqueline discuss how to design-conscious date nights (and days and weekends) that serve different purposes depending on what the relationship might need and share creative ideas and inspiration for all sorts of experiences.
As referenced in the episode, check out these ones if you like:
To find more about Effy Blue and Jacqueline Misla, follow them at @wearecuriousfoxes, @coacheffyblue, and @jacquelinemisla on Instagram.
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TRANSCRIPT:
Effy
Things actually, you invite a bunch of people and you invite them. It's like a potluck, right? But instead of bringing food, they bring all the ingredients and extra tools if they need them to cook something. So everyone's instead of bringing a cooked dish, everyone's bringing all the ingredients to cook a dish, and then you just all cook at the same time. That's why it's called Chaos cooking. Welcome to the Curious Fox podcast. For those challenging the status quo in love, sex, and relationships. My name is Effy Blue.
Jacqueline
And I'm Jacqueline Misla. And today we're talking about date nights. Specifically going beyond dinner and a movie to create experiences with intention experiences that are tailored to your relationship needs. At that moment,
Effy
we say date night but we actually mean Date Night Day weekend, just that intentional time allocated you know, it's like it's like the euphemism that we say the bedroom when we actually mean like our sex lives and we just have you know, we we Buck against that sometimes and we just like lean into it sometimes. But we just want to say you know, take the things out of the bedroom it's more fun.
Jacqueline
That sounds like it's gonna say yes it actually not doing the thing not doing in the bedroom actually makes it better and only not having a date at night actually makes it better.
Effy
Exactly like breakfast dates. I love the breakfast Day lunch dates.
Jacqueline
Right and so
Effy
just to put it out that we say date night as a euphemism for like that intentional time that you spend with your partner your partner's?
Jacqueline
Yes, yes. Well, that being said it is date night. Tonight. We have done one other before which I'll talk about we're gonna give a bunch of different tips and ideas later in the in the episode, so I'm gonna share some of mine tonight. Specifically, it is arts and crafts night. We have some clay and we're gonna we're gonna do kind of like a ghost. I was just
Effy
gonna say yes, I like it. You're gonna do like reenactments.
Jacqueline
Ugly, we'll do we'll have maybe some like pain. I don't know body pain or regular pain or Charcot. We're gonna Oh, that was the other thing. So you'd see how excited the other thing we're gonna do is he's like, Oh, you need to draw draw me like they did in Titanic. Like I was allowed. With charcoal. So yeah, so tonight is arts and crafts, we just added a bunch of different supplies. And we're gonna we're gonna have some fun, you know,
Effy
there's that kit. I mean, we're gonna go into this but we just since we got excited so early. There is like kit that you can get where essentially you put body paint on each other and on a canvas and then guess get
Jacqueline
busy. Yes, my wife and I did that we you you put stuff or you know, put paint all over you. You get on the canvas. And we have it hanging now in our bedroom. Yeah, huge, beautiful canvas. Which if you look at it, it looks like abstract art. Yeah, if you look closely, there may be some like booty prints and some other things. But
Effy
yes, exactly. I've seen a few of those. Now that I've seen it. I'm one of those when I go into someone's bedroom. I'm like, Uh huh. Uh huh. I know. I know that. I know what I know what this painting is about.
Jacqueline
Yeah, yeah. Some good fun date nights and I've had really bad bad teeth. That was just not they afterwards, you know, on the on like the drive or the walk home when there's like tension silence. You're like, oh, that did not go well.
Effy
What do you know what made them about date night? Like, do you have access to them? Like when you look back? I'm like, Oh, it was terrible. Because of like this.
Jacqueline
Yeah, maybe because it was forced, like maybe there was like something to tension that already existed that went unnamed. But were like, somehow dinner at an Italian restaurant was going to like fix the thing. Or one person was just like, not as into one person wants to go home. The other one wanted to stay out. So there was like, mixed kind of needs. So yeah,
Effy
yeah. Okay. Sure. Yeah, I mean, so a date night, essentially a date. Yeah, we're saying date night. So a date night has the potential to be a time intentionally allocated to be in service of the relationship and those in it, right, and it's not in service of the relationship, or those in it if it feels like an obligation or chore or forced, right, which is one of the things that you said, right with, it's supposed to fix something there. And then if it feels like an afterthought, it's like, Oh, damn, yeah, I supposed to do. Right, it feels haphazard, like, no one's really thought about it in the calendar. So you're saying I'm gonna show up, but no one's like, nothing is really organized. And it feels like a bit of a bit of a shitshow. Like, those are, those do not make good deadlines.
Jacqueline
is many times we've done this podcast many, many times, you talk about how things are in service to the relationship, and each time you say it feels genuinely like the first time. I'm always like, oh, yeah, like you say the, you know, the relationship is the purpose of it is to be in service of those who are in it. And so if it no longer is serving you, that's something that to talk to think about and talk about. And I hear you saying, well, date nights need to be experiences that are in service of the relationship. So yes, it always feels like the first time and I need you to explain it to me again. Sure. I mean,
Effy
so we're around each other all the time, right? And it doesn't necessarily mean that we're spending quality time, what we're doing is spending quantity of time with one another. Right? And so when we're saying, Okay, we're going to spend, you know, this is date night, I think what we want to do is decide, or become aware of or investigate or be curious about what the relationship might need that day, right? So the relationship and the need, and the people need to thrive to level up to, you know, keep providing and being in service around that time. So is it that you need more connection in your relationship? Or do you need more fun and playfulness in your relationship? So it's really about understanding, like, what are the need? What does the relationship need in that moment? In terms of the quality of the experience, right? What's our quality time? So like, what is the quality of that time that you are hoping to engage in, and then be intentional with that, okay, so the relationship, we end the relationship needs some light and fun time, it needs some you know, it would benefit from a growth and learning rate, or we need connection or even a specific type of connection, like a sexual connection or intellectual connection, right? So really getting like investigating, getting curious about what the relationship needs, then be intentional, okay, that's what we're doing. And then be creative. Right? How can you do that? How can you? How can you have fun? How can you grow together? How can you connect?
Jacqueline
Yeah. Okay, so then that makes sense to me, I've been doing that I don't think I've named it in service of the relationship. But the idea of doing a relationship assessment, one of the tools that I use with my partners in some language, actually, that we use in our house is around having a fuller empty tank. And so looking at it, like it's a fuel gauge in a car, right, and so when your fuel gauge indicates in your car that your tank is low, then you have to go and fill it up with gas. Or if you don't, you don't have to, it's just letting you know, that's the case. But at some point, it's going to get stalled. Right and same is true in relationships is that if you start to if your relationship tank starts to get empty, at some point, you can keep going you can push through, but it's gonna get stalled. And so that's common language in our house is we'll ask each other, you know, are you feeling full? Are you feeling empty? You know, what do we need there? And one of the tools that I created with my clients, and I'll share the link in the show notes, is a fuel gauge activity. So it looks like a little fuel gauge. And you think about different aspects of your life or in this case of your relationship. And you say, how full do I feel here? So in terms of connection with your partner, how full Do you feel? Do you feel connected? Do you feel like there is emotional intimacy or however you're defining that? Do you feel like there's playfulness and joy and fun? Do you feel like there is to your point opportunities for growth, that they learning about you that you're learning about something new? And so every once in a while, I'll go through that activity on my own and my partners will to say, Okay, where are we in these buckets? And then we know where to fill the tank. We know what we need to do to fill those things.
Effy
Right. Once you have that kind of clarity, and then I've seen your worksheet, your heart sheet home sheet. I think we need to find a name for it that isn't that isn't like growth sheets. Oh, I like the tool that you've developed and it's totally it's great. It's a great tool, and it's worth doing and if that's and then evaluate right once you know what tank needs to be filled, then you get creative. And I think that's when kind of that's kind of when the fun begins. Right? And I think here Also worth saying like sometimes date nights are considered to be big gestures like you spend a lot of money and you get all dressed up like that. There is this expectation there is obligation there is this ostentation that is associated with a date night. It just doesn't have to be that at all right? We can have some awesome creative, intentional tank filling date nights.
Jacqueline
Yes, yes. Yes, actually are my last anniversary with my partner. We sat down beforehand and said okay, how do we we started with how do you want to feel? So before we decided what it is we wanted to do, we decided what how do we want to feel that day? And we both decided that we wanted something more casual, that we wanted something that was that felt connecting, but that didn't feel like again, like it was a production. And so then we knew so we decided, okay, we're not going to get dressed up. Okay, we're going to order in, but we're going to order in from our favorite restaurant that we love. Like we decided things that felt then casual, because neither of us had the energy. intention into a big deal. But yeah, cuz you're right, if not, the default setting would be let's get dressed up. And that might be the case. There are definitely days where I want to get all dressed up. Yeah, go out somewhere. That was not one of those times. But yeah, I think that you're the classic idea of a date night is, you know, you get a sitter, you go out to dinner, maybe you see a movie, and then you come home. And we can be more creative than that. Totally.
Effy
And also the common misconception that a date nights really for two people. You know, there's pressure of that sometimes that you and your partner, your one partner, and you can go out and that is and it's somehow proof that that relationship is functioning really well. Because you to earn date, like going solo date night, I think there needs to be some room for maybe like, if you're in a you know, if you're if you're to have either a monogamous relationship, or if you're currently dating one person, maybe it's a couple's date night, you know, maybe you align with some other friends and you go together, and it's like, still date night vibes. So with intention, but also putting in some social elements to it.
Jacqueline
Yeah, yeah, it's true. And if you have multiple partners, it's an opportunity to to get together in a way that you know, there's not a conversation necessarily about the relationship. It's not about the structure, it's now just about being together and spending time together. So you and I put our heads together. And we thought of, I don't know, it feels like a million, but it's probably like 30 ideas for different date nights based on the different things that you would need. So if you're at home, you are going to look up the fuel gauge activity, you're going to sit down and assess where do I feel full in my relationship? Where is there some places that feel empty, your partners will do the same? And then based on what you come up with, here's some ideas for you to try.
Effy
Right. And I think also just add in the, here's some ideas to avoid as well. I want to, I want to put that in. No, totally,
Jacqueline
that makes sense. Okay, so let's look at what a relationship may need. Let's say you're in a new relationship. First of all that NRA, I'm jealous, I'm not jealous, I'm envious. I've changed my words. I'm envious of your NRA. But let's say you're in a new relationship, and you're just getting to know each other, or you've been in a relationship for a while. And it's an opportunity to clear your cache. Right. So you're different. Yeah, yeah. Just as an example, I was walking my daughter to school the other day, and it was halfway through the walk that she looked at me and said, Oh, you have red lipstick on. And we've had red lipstick on all morning. All through the first part of the walk, we had conversation together. But suddenly, in that moment, she realized it. And I thought immediately, I was like, Oh, she didn't clear her cache. Like, what she thinks about me and who I am is how she's seeing me and she like somehow saw me a new in that moment. So let's say you, you want to get to know each other, again, as an as a couple in a relationship that you've been in for a while or getting to know getting to know each other newly, there's some different tools you can use there some relationship cards that are out there, I've used and or that's the name of the brand, and Holsteins, we've used cards, and a stare parallel now has a deck out like they're all these conversation starter cards that I definitely use. It has been interesting that they shared questions I would not have thought of
Effy
Sure. They're the 36 questions, the famous 30 times the New York Times article on Yeah, so if you just search for 36 questions, it will come up on your, your favorite search engine. And like those are great as well. And it's free and readily available.
Jacqueline
Yeah, so you can do that. You can take certainly a personality test. There are a bunch online, they're like the ones that take an hour and a lot to fill out. And then there's some other really fun ones. You can do. The versions like the BuzzFeed versions of it, which tells you like who you you're you would be as a Harry Potter character. You can find some fun personality tests to do. Or you can do a virtual tarot card reading to Yes, we didn't get to know each other very different way we did give you look at listen to episode 98 Magic embodiment and sexuality with halen Beeley. Yeah, we did some tarot card reading, and it was fun, and interesting and enlightening.
Effy
Sure, sure. I mean, I think tarot cards get a bad rep, including from me for a long time they got a bad rep, they are a great reflection tool like this is not about woowoo. This is not about like telling the future. Tarot card readings are a great way to like, reflect on what you're hearing. And you can ask questions to the cards, you can ask questions about yourself about your relationship about whatever you want to ask, you're gonna get answers and you get to reflect and it's and it's fun. It's a fun activity. And it's a fun way to get to know each other. It's a good fun way to reflect together and see where you align where maybe you don't. Yeah, fun times. Yeah, I think halen actually offers mines.
Jacqueline
Yes, yes, I did my own. I did terracotta reading. I did, I did. And I learned a lot about myself. One day, I shall share, share the things that I learned through that experience. But yeah, that was really fun. And my partner and I have also we have a deck at home. So every once in a while, we'll say let's pull a card. And what is interesting about it from getting to know you place is the question that the person will ask is actually the most interesting part, right? So read the cards, and that'll be interesting seeing their reaction to it, but seeing what's on their mind that they're curious about and then reading a card and seeing and hearing their reaction to that whether or not that message resonates or doesn't. That's like the starting point for a conversation that you may not have had otherwise.
Effy
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. It's so good.
Jacqueline
So let's say you do your fuel tank activity, and you realize the connection, that really spending time together without distractions. That is the thing that you want, because you said earlier, right, particularly in COVID, all of us were around each other all the time, but we were working, we're on our phone, we're tick talking, we're Instagramming doing all the things what if we want to spend time together without those distractions, what could we do and one of the things frankly, because we're on all those devices is turn off all the devices, we can have an electricity free date night, where there is candlelight and cooking over fires and activities that involve frankly, creativity because you can't do anything with any digital device. But having something that literally shuts off anything that could be a distraction so that you can be fully present to each other.
Effy
Absolutely. Another fun thing that you can do without leaving the comfort of your your couch and still feel like it's you know, quality connection time is you can create a couple's bucket list together, right, which is like a beautiful mixture of getting to know you, and connecting and planning for the future, which feels like investment into the relationship. So you still get to be creative, you get to kind of maybe go into the fantasy space and then that can kind of be kind of interesting, like get you in the mood for like checking off some of those bucket lists that that night. So like that's another connection, connection activity.
Jacqueline
I love that. Yes, I love that. I love it to your point in kind of sexual connection, intimate connection. But also we're where do we want to travel in the world? What activity do we want to do once you get warmer or colder or anything like that? Yeah, love that. The other thing that I can think of that I've done in order to feel connected and not distracted is cooking together. Because you're focused on the meal, you're focused on the preparation, maybe there's music, maybe there's you know, wine or cider or something and you're just in that space in that moment with each other creating something together and then sitting and eating it together. Love
Effy
that. Yes. Also, collaboration is a thing. I mean, I definitely enjoy, like collaboration is such a like, for me, it's one of the qualities that I look for in in a relationship and like cooking something together is all about collaboration. And there's something about navigating, especially something like a New York kitchen, which is a tiny space around each other while you create something together and be able to do that. In an ideal situation. You kind of do that in flow. I think that's also reassuring for the relationship.
Jacqueline
Yeah, I know that you've done something and this with friends right where you all cook at the exact same time.
Effy
Yeah, chaos cooking one of my favorite pastimes, chaos cooking, quick interlude, friends kill. So here's all the fun kills things, actually, you invite a bunch of people and you invite them. It's like a potluck, right? But instead of bringing food, they bring all the ingredients and extra tools if they need them to cook something. So everyone's instead of bringing a cook dish, everyone's bringing all the ingredients to cook a dish and then you just all cook at the same time. That's why it's called Chaos cooking. And it's fun is if there's a lot of people you can kind of punch it like appetizers means and desserts. But there's something about like everyone's cooking at the same time. And then of course, everybody cleans up at the same time. It's a lot of fun. I do recommend that you can also do that as a date night. But it's also great friends night.
Jacqueline
That sounds for me like a sheer nightmare. Like, I love the idea of it, but the idea of everyone on top of each other and putting things together like oh, no, but I love that. I love that you love that. And I love that it could involve other people that it's not just two people together, it can be multiple relationships, it can be Yeah, I love it. I love it. I love it.
Effy
Also, if you're a nerdy cook, you also get to learn from each other. So like, if you know if everyone's like a nerdy Cook, and they bringing like to do something special, it's also a good opportunity to be like, oh, like, that's how you like blanch your whatever, you know, it's kind of that's also that that's in there as well.
Jacqueline
Yeah. Okay, so let's move to another category where we may need some insertion of some gas in that particular category and our relationship around fun and playfulness and joy. And that sparked that for me, because one of the things that my partner and I did and one of our date nights is that we had a bake off. She fancies herself a great baker, and a great chef, but she is she's good at all those things. But anytime that she says, you know, well, I think she put something out there like I could do it better than you and I was like, Can you now? And yeah. Exactly. I accept. And so what we did, and so she made a flan and I made apple cider SNOMED cinnamon doughnuts. That's what I made. I made cinnamon doughnuts. The challenge was our flaw was that there was no external judge. She was better. I thought mine was better. And so nobody won. But we ate lots of dessert. But you know, it's cooking being in the kitchen, but it was a lot of fun.
Effy
Yeah, that sounds like a great idea. I think it's important. You know, it could be something like that. Definitely bakeoff dance nights. I'm a big fan of a dance night. You can either like have a dance or you can learn a choreography that if you really want to do like it takes up on Instagram real that's like a bonus. But that's also fun. And also being active in that way like playfulness around dancing is I think is just good for you. Being in your body making shapes with your body and learning learning choreography. That's I think, you know, it's a fun thing to do. So if lightness and playfulness and joy is what you need. And then like think about that. Also, outside activities. You know, like being a roller skating, bike riding and my favorite trampolining. Yeah, you know, silly like that is also a lot of fun. Yeah.
Jacqueline
When I think about the fun, playful, joyful category, and I'm thinking about that for myself, I think, what did I love to do as a kid and bringing some more of that? Like, what does put my grownup self aside? And yes, I loved right biting, riding my bike and jumping and a trampoline, and having arts and crafts nights and coloring and coloring books, getting an adult coloring book or playing a video game, doing like a battle, a Mario Kart battle or a puzzle. One of the things that my partner and I have done is we did camp night into him. And I did real well, we'll connect it. We'll put it on Instagram so everyone can see. But we set up a tent, we tend to we're in New York, but we put up a big lamp and we just put in some like towels and blankets and like, created our own tent. We put fire like place on the television. So it was fire. We put pillows on the floor. And then we made s'mores that we made s'mores on top the stovetop, and we sat inside of our tent with our fire eating s'mores and we put on like the sound of crickets. And it was it was fun. It was really like a lot of fun. Yeah, like putting it together doing the thing taking apart like the whole thing felt it felt like whimsy. Like it felt silly. Like why would a 40 year old woman who you know is by day is doing social justice work and change management. Like at night. I'm like setting up like blankets for tents. And eating s'mores like that was it was just whimsical and fun and silly. And I loved every minute of it.
Effy
Yeah, I mean, it brings balance, right? If you're doing all that serious work by day, you're fun and playfulness and joy and lightness and stillness is probably exactly what you need. And you get to do that as a part of a date night.
Jacqueline
Yeah, yeah, that's true. Yeah, so that's been on my list the other category that I have really dug into at times and I felt like there was that my tank was not full was around growth. Certainly you and I are personal growth junkies. And so let me go to the workshop. Let me read the book. Let me listen to the podcast. But I found that there were times when our conversations and in my partnership or my marriage would become stale. How was your day? It was good. How was that meeting? It was good. What do you want to eat? When are we gonna do laundry? Well, right and like it was just that, and I wanted to talk about something new. I wanted to say, you know, listen to a podcast or read a book or something and be like, did you know that? And then it opens the door to a new conversation, but opportunities to learn something together, I think is a great way to spend some time.
Effy
Yeah, me too. I mean, I'm, I'm also a learning like learner, lifelong learner, like, my brain is happy when when she's learning like, that's when she's happiest. Doing that with a partner, which then becomes a common shared experience. And also, then that person kind of becomes a thought partner on that. So if you went and learn, even if it's something like paper mache making, right, you went and learned paper mache making, it doesn't have to be anything like Uber intellectual, it could be something crafty. Or you you know, maybe learn a language or you went to a dance class where you like learning ballroom dancing your lesson or something, then you have a partner where you can also Like, think and talk about that. Or like, if you've done paper mache class, can you talk about all the cool things you can do paper mache? If you went in, you know, read a book together can you know Can that be your like, private personal book club, then you get to talk about that more. So I think there's a lot of opportunities when you are doing a growth focus date night.
Jacqueline
Yeah, we've even done reading a book to each other. So we have a book that we're working on. And like every night again, kind of going back to like being a kid like I read my daughter bedtime stories. And so it's like, at night, we get into bed, and we read the same thing or what somebody reads out loud. But you mentioned learning a language. I love that one. I haven't done that yet. But I think that if I was gonna do that, I would want there to be some like culmination activity. So we learned something, either we go to then a restaurant of that culture and language and like practice, or maybe even we plan a vacation to that place, and we practice. But I would love to do that in like preparation for an experience. I think that would be pretty cool.
Effy
foreign films, I'm a big fan of foreign film. So if you're learning a language, I find foreign films with subtitles, like English subtitles, are a good way to get submerged into that into that relationship. Like there's amazing Spanish cinema. There is obviously the French if you want to go there, you haven't like the French contingent. All these languages have good film options as well. So you can do that, like start learning a language and start watching foreign movies together.
Jacqueline
Yeah, and then go to Spain or France. I mean, I think that's something on the list. If variety is the thing that you need more of in your relationship, maybe going somewhere together.
Effy
Yeah, if it's available to you absolutely. Like traveled. I think traveling, just traveling with a partner is great. But if you want to do like a date experience, you can actually definitely plan a vacation and do that. You can plan a staycation. Right. You can sort of your, your house into an unknown. A French bistro. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. So that's also an option.
Jacqueline
Yeah, yeah. Or weekend somewhere local or something like that, or even experiencing your city. A new Yeah, I'm born and raised in New York, have lived in other places have lived abroad, always come back to New York. And there's so much about New York that I don't know, I just didn't experience with my mom and my nieces and my daughter this weekend. And we were learning all about the train system and Time Square and the ball drop. And it was fascinating. I didn't know any of those things. I lived here forever. And so even just relearning your own if you live in a city where they have those like bus tours, walking tours,
Effy
or is that your hometown? Yes, exactly.
Jacqueline
And if you can't to your point, if you can't go out and bring it to you, you can stream a concert, you can stream an opera a play, like you can bring some some of that outside into your house. If you need some variety if you need to mix it up past the news or the Netflix and you want something new stream something from the outside bring it in. Mm hmm.
Effy
Absolutely. Absolutely. If you want to sort of go more on the traditional side of things, right, if you want to go date night really for romance, then you have some options there too, right. Like stargazing, I think it's like is as romantic as it gets, you know, find some park or some you know, darker part of where you live, maybe go up onto a roof or a terrace. Go stargazing. There are a couple of really awesome apps actually, that I have on my phone when you kind of put the you turn your phone to the sky and it uses geolocation to know where you are and what your sky looks like in that moment and will tell you the star is and then we'll give you the star constellations and the names. Yeah, and as you move it around, you can kind of get nerdy with it as well. Like that's a really fun date activity. Just go and find You know a little dark, where you can see the stars have a look and see what constellations you see.
Jacqueline
Or even include a sunset in there. Oh, to sunset, then it gets dark, then you look at the stars. Do you see the love see what's happening right now? For you,
Effy
oh the dates,
Jacqueline
love it. So if romance is the thing that you need more of in your relationships, then I think that's a great idea. Giving each other massages, I love that idea. I have done that at home myself. And it's just something that feels again, it's connecting, it's you're very much in your body, you're paying attention to someone else's body, you're paying attention to how they feel the sounds that they're making. So that has been a really lovely experience to do massages at home.
Effy
Also, do you like acts of service stuff and but make it kind of a little special. So things like setting up beer and wine tasting or playing mixologist like a cooking for one another, like one person cooks for the other person and kind of like serves them or vice versa or, and then reverse on another date. So things you can just really dial up that romance dial and get like really mushy, and romantic, you know, for your date night so you can have your romance tanks filled?
Jacqueline
Yeah, yeah, we've done mocktails. We've done like smoothies, like fruit juice, smoothies, and things like that, making that together for the first time. And again, it's like a different version of cooking. And then what if you want to play with some of that food in some sexy time. And maybe sexual connection is the thing that you need more of when you do your fuel gauge activity. And so there's a lot of things I think that we can do to spend some time there, including getting out of the bedroom. laying there,
Effy
yes, getting out of the bedroom, or anything, even if you're having sex regularly, I would just check in to see whether you're just on autopilot. Like if you're just you know, stuck in your own social script. And you are kind of just doing the same thing. Even those people who are having sex regularly even like once or twice a week, three times a week, sometimes you're doing it because it's the thing to do. And you've kind of got, you know, you have matching libidos, and it ends up on a list of like things that couples do. So you do it, and you actually kind of just doing the same thing over and over again. And I think a date night could be a real opportunity to change that up. And there are many ways you can do that. And one of my favorite, of course, because I'm as nerdy as it gets, even when it comes to sex, taking like a class you know, taking like taking a class either attending one in person now you can. And since COVID, there are a bunch of digital ones available be recorded ones or in person one in like in zoom situation you can attend in person from all around the world. So I think those are really good opportunity to like go learn something new. And then like test it out with your partner your partner's.
Jacqueline
Yeah, actually, if you're a Patreon member, you can go onto Patreon and find all of our workshops that were there and you can binge on those. And there's some there's some really fun ones we did. There's a workshop on BDSM there's a workshop on the vulva. And there was a live demonstration with Sela Harris. That was really amazing. And so yeah, go there. If you if you're looking for a class, you're looking for a place to start, start on Patreon. If you want to try something new, try something fun. Think about maybe doing something different, like maybe some butt play if you haven't done that. You and I did an episode on that it was episode 67. But plugs and pickup lines. And we did a conversation recently with Lola Jean, about plugging in but stuff episode 94. And so I don't know if that's something you want to try sexual connection trying something new. There's some resources that are available to you.
Effy
Also, if you're brave enough to be that brave, but like just put it on the table is something that you might gather some energy some interest to go go and do is to see a pro dorm that I think is a really fun thing to do as a couple or whatever your relationship structure is like see a professional dominatrix. And see if you can create some of your fantasies together, see if you can learn some stuff to do to each other or learn stuff about yourself. I think actually like spending a couple of hours with a pro DOM is a great day main idea.
Jacqueline
Yeah, we had a conversation with Miss Shayla episode 86 on how to find a sex worker. And so that's something you could explore. If you're like, Oh wow, that's now you're pro Dom's. But play that's a little that's on this side of the spectrum. If you want to go back to the other side of the spectrum, there are things you can do to you and your partner or partners can go toy shopping, and you can find some fun sex toys that you can play with. You can do Tantra together, we just had a conversation with Barbara Corellas exploring Tantra episode 110. Where we talked about an all you need is breath. That's it actually, you don't need toys. You can go get some toys if you want to play but all you need is presence and breath to do that active At the end, stay connected.
Effy
Exactly. I think whatever you can do to expand your existing sexual connection, and just creative approach to that you can create, you can then turn it into a date night or date, Day, Date, weekend, whatever, whatever is working for you, and get creative, you know, yeah, I want to add
Jacqueline
that date nights or whatever we're calling it now date, days date experiences are not just romantic partnerships. And Hmm, I think it's important to plan intentional activities that serve the relationship based on the needs of that relationship, right. That's how we're defining it, with friends with family with yourself. Mm hmm. My daughter and I started movie and meals together. And so we find a movie. And then we find a meal that is associated, like themed with that movie. So for example, we watched turning red and we ate dumplings, we watched West Side Story and we ate some Puerto Rican food. Like we bind a meal that's related to the to the movie, we watch it together, that has been a lot of fun. Certainly, arts and crafts is big in my house if you haven't realized that yet. And we've done painting together painting portraits, painting the dog. So things like that with even just leaving the house, leaving the house to go for a walk, or to get some ice cream or hot chocolate or whatever, whatever it is. For me, when I'm inside the house, all I can see is the dishes and the mess and the bed that needs to be made for me to be really fully present. Sometimes with my daughter, I'm like, we need to get outside. Let's go for a walk. Let's go do go to the park. Let's do something external that is fun and playful. I mean, all the things that we mentioned around play and connection you can apply here, and the roller skating and the bike riding and the trampolining like all those things. Yeah.
Effy
Yeah, I love destination food, like going somewhere completely like somewhere that you just wouldn't go for any other reason. And then go and find like an ice cream or that desserts or that you know, special fries with you know, special spices on it or like going going on blogs and finding this like one thing this one, you know, shop that tiny little independent shop does in the middle of like another borough if you're in you know, if you're live in New York, but anywhere and you go on a day on a specific destination to eat that thing is definitely one of my favorite activities. For sure.
Jacqueline
I love that. Actually, you saying search reminded me of something that I've also done with both my daughter my partner separately is scavenger hunts. So I have like in the fall, for example, have done it with my daughter and will list a bunch of different colors. And she has to find things out in a walk that are those different colors or shapes with my partner who loves dogs, we did a dog scavenger hunt. We wrote down like different breeds, but also like you know, a three legged pup or pup with a, you know, a bow tie or like things like that, or a purple collar. And then we just like walked around the neighborhood and walked to different places and like whoever could spot it first. And we did a little scavenger hunt of dogs. So that was really fun.
Effy
Yeah, that sounds a lot that sounds like right up my alley as well. And I think the other thing that we don't talk enough about is date with yourself. Right? That is extremely important for many reasons. Because our tanks also get empty in the relationship with ourselves, which is also a relationship that we need to nurture. And it needs to be a relationship that nurtures us back, hopefully, and I think our tanks get get empty in that relationship too. And I think it's worth doing that kind of self inquiry to say, Okay, what what part of my relationship with myself needs a boost, right? I suck at self care. So I need to have self self care dates with myself, I need to, it could be something as simple as like physical self care. So I'll do like a spa day for myself. Or it will be like, Okay, I need to do an extra long meditation, you know, extra long yoga, maybe do like, some five rhythms, like do a whole couple of hours when I'm really just in my own realm. And that's good just to boost that relationship that I have with myself. Also, getting into a practice of having dates with yourself is great, and feel satisfied and fed by those dates. If you are in a non monogamous relationship, and you date separately with your partner, right. So if you and your partner go on dates, your partner has another partner or your other partners, you know, whatever your constellation is, at some point, somebody that you love is probably going to be on date with somebody else. And you might have to be on your own. And I think it's great, you can use that time to connect with friends and get some work done and do rituals, whatever. Also, I think it's it's good to have a practice of having a date with yourself that you actually look forward to feeds you. It's not like you're doing it to distract yourself, but it's something that you're really looking forward to. I think having a bunch of date nights with yourself like date experiences with yourself is also really really important.
Jacqueline
Yes, as somebody who Do I live I travel back and forth between two homes. And so I'm always with someone always sleeping next to somebody I really love and have been intentional about taking time to myself, which can include everything from taking a really long hot shower or a nap like thing or reading a book, or to spending some time to write or watching, binging on something and ordering my favorite takeout, to doing some going out getting dressed up doing something outside to having some romantic evening with myself. Episode 57 that we talked about masturbation and self love with Stella Harris. And, you know, I think that that's a nice little romantic evening with oneself.
Effy
Absolutely. And just so healthy and fruitful and satisfying. If you really kind of tune into yourself. I don't mean like, you get a Hitachi and you do a quickie like we all do those things. To catch the episode with stellar. She talks about having a whole ritual around it. And it is a date with yourself. It is a sexy, romantic date with yourself and you get the quote yourself, and you get to tease yourself and you get to connect yourself. And hopefully you'll end with that you end up with an orgasm or two, which is like extra super bonus points. Yeah,
Jacqueline
I agree. So if you're paying attention, if you're listening to these things, there are so many different ideas. There are so many different episodes. Right to get more ideas. But there's a lot I think the takeaway really is first decide that you do want to be intentional, in your relationships, be it romantic, or non romantic relationships, and then do a little assessment and figure out okay, where are there some gaps? Where are there? Where do I feel really full? And where's my tank empty, and then be creative and intentional about creating experiences that can fill that particular gap? Fill that need?
Effy
Or Exactly, exactly. And make sure that, you know, everybody gets their turn, everybody participates contributes and comes up with an idea that all ideas are celebrated and follow through. And just do them regularly. I think that's the other piece just to end on is that make sure you go on a date night regularly, you know, is it you know, every couple of weeks, once a month, but definitely put that date in the calendar, look forward to it, be intentional about it, it is good for you, and be creative.
Jacqueline
Yeah. And then come into the Facebook group and let us know share your ideas there. I now want to make a list of ideas, we should we should write all of these down, put them on our Facebook group. If you have ideas, things that you've done, if you want to try any of these and send pictures or updates of how it went, the Facebook group is the place to go because that's where listeners have conversation with each other. So I am going to have my date night tonight. I'm going to do my arts and crafts. I'm going to be sketched and I'm going to play with clay. It's
Effy
very avant garde. Well, after those great ideas, just before we wrap up, I have a feeling you might have a soapbox that you need a moment for
Jacqueline
I do I do. We haven't done a soapbox moment in a long time. So if you are new to the podcast and new listener, welcome. Every once in a while Effie knight would use this platform, essentially just to get on a soapbox. We were like, if we're gonna have a podcast, we're gonna have a microphone.
Effy
And we work so hard. Not we actually we are very intentional about not renting not being prescriptive, like they're holding on to qualities that, that we really keep front of mind and will correct ourselves will like stop mid conversation and like rewind and like say we you know, let's not say that. Let's be more descriptive invitation. So we're very intentional about the way that we set the tone for these episodes. And then every now and then you're like, Come on people. We just need a soapbox
Jacqueline
for permission.
Effy
Just Just a minute. It's not gonna be more than a minute. Just That's it. That's it. So with that in mind, Jacqueline missed that. I invite you on the soapbox. Go for it.
Jacqueline
Yes, so my soapbox moment actually, what we were just talking about is about masturbation. Now I should clarify it is not about the activity of masturbation. I love the activity of masturbation no problems there. What I do not like is the word masturbation. It is the clunkiest non sexiest word because like think about when you're saying you know I want to have sex like it there's like something in it there's like, you know, something sensual, but to say I want to masturbate, like it's just like tea and be like it just really it does it it like takes away from from like the feeling of it. And frankly, this is this is my hypothesis. I believe that we actually don't talk about masturbation that much. In the world, because the word is so like weird, ugly, saying the word masturbation. Yes, the word feels ugly. I'm sorry to whomever like the 17th century or 1700s person who thought of the word masturbation put that together. Apologies to you, but it's an ugly word. I'm sorry. I don't like it. And so one day I don't have no idea why this happened for myself but I was thinking about the word and how much I hate it. And I'm saying you know what, I want to look up the word in other languages because I'm sure in some romantic language or somewhere else there's some other way to say it that is just much more beautiful that I can use that instead. And there is not Fe there's not go white now we're after this episode. Just wait wait to the podcast is done. Then Google, a masturbation and other languages and it is essentially the word masturbation just said must be must have must have it like it is just masturbation over and over and over that T and that B exists in every almost every configuration of it. I think it's like Norway and like Iceland that have that have something different but if you look it is all the same masturbation as detestable, so must be muster. It's too much too much. So I don't like it. And I don't like the euphemisms for it. I just haven't I know. Feels. Yeah, like jerking off. Again. No. Even self simulation like that just feels I don't know there's nothing so my soapbox moment is love masturbation hate the word masturbation. And this is a call to action to think of a new word. Yes, we have decided on this episode. We don't like date night because not all day to habit at night. We decided we don't like worksheet because doing doing personal growth does not it should not feel like work. And now we're adding masturbation to the list. So let's think of new words for these things. Please find a more beautiful way of saying masturbation and I shall use that way. You know, growing up, there were so many phrases that we use like salty as an example. Right? Someone was real salty. That meant that they were had an attitude they were kind of mean or irritated. Somebody at some point decided that salty meant to the end, and then we all followed suit. I believe we can have a masturbation revolution. Someone just needs to find the word start the word, we will create a blog post about it. We'll do a pop up saying on a podcast that will try to spread that word as far around the world as we can to start a store to try to start a movement. But please, let's get rid of that word. And let's find a new one.
Effy
I hear you linguist masturbation, linguistic revolution is what we call this. Yes. And I have I am so there with you on your workbooks. And I think the invitation I want to add there is if you come up just like Jackie's invitation if you come up with an idea, reach out to us, you can reach out to us a bunch of places you can come on to the Facebook group and collaborate on a new word for it. You can jump on our Instagram you can DM us or you can leave a note on the post for this episode because we're gonna be posting this episode. Yes. If you're a Patreon member, just jump on there. You can DM us or comment on them. You can email us right you can email us at listening at the we are curious foxes.com You can even like call us and be like I have the best. I have the best name for mastery and Benji saying
Effy
Yeah, that's it. So you can do that to uh 18700063 all the different ways, all different ways. So let us know your euphemism your new word for masturbation, which we will pick and champion until we change.
Jacqueline
Yes, go to at we're curious foxes in any place ever. And then that will get you access to us to the websites Instagram to Facebook. Yeah, reach out to us at all the places let us know what your word is, and I am behind it. We're going to start a linguistic revolution.
Effy
This episode is produced and edited by Nina Pollack, whom we are happy to go on a friend date any day of the week. Our intro music is composed by dev sa we are so grateful for that work. And we're grateful to you for listening. As always stay curious friends. Yes. Curious Fox podcast is not and will never be the final word on any topic. We solely aim to encourage curiosity and provide a space for exploration through connection and story. We encourage you to listen with an open and curious mind and we'll look forward to your feedback. Stay curious friends. Stay curious, curious, curious, curious. Stay curious.
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