Ep 160: Yoni Gazing, Self Discover and Letters to Your Vulva and with Jocelyn Silva

artwork by the talented @_kallenmikel

What is Yoni gazing? Why would you want to look “down there”? How do you ask your partner to help?

This week Effy is joined by long time friend of the Fox, sex and pleasure coach, Jocelyn Silva to talk about Yoni gazing. They discuss how simple yet powerful it is to intentionally look at your vulva with a mirror, and Jocelyn shares a Yoni gazing ceremony where you can connect with your vulva and nurture a relationship with this important and divide part of your body. 

To learn more about Jocelyn
Jocelyn Silva is a bisexual polyamorous Sexual Empowerment Coach, Sex Educator, First Generation Latina, and full-time digital nomad. She empowers YOU to embrace your sexual essence and lead a pleasure-FILLED life! She has 12 years of sex education experience, and 3 years coaching women, couples, and now men on their road to full sexual empowerment + embodiment.

Instagram: @iamjocelynsilva
TikTok: @iamjocelynsilva
Website: www.jocelynsilva.com

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TRANSCRIPT:

Effy

Welcome to the Curious Fox podcast, for those challenging the status quo in love, sex, and relationships. My name is Effy Blue. And today, I'm joined by a friend of the folks who we love having on the show again and again. Hello, my name is Jocelyn

Jocelyn

Silva. I'm a bisexual polyamorous sexual empowerment coach, sex educator, first generation Medina and full time digital nomad. I empower you to embrace your sexual essence and lead a pleasure filled

Effy

life. And we are talking about Yoni gazing. Yoni is a Sanskrit word for the vulva. And although it sounds grand, Yoni gazing is the simple act of looking at your vulva with a mirror. Although simple, of course, it's not easy for many women with all the taboos and the stigmas and the comments and the legislation that we internalize throughout our lives. Some women spend their entire lifetime without really getting to know their evolvers without fully connecting to their bodies, without understanding the anatomy of their pleasure, their lifeforce, their power.

Jocelyn

So I was working at an adult store in Los Angeles, and this woman walks in. So I was 23. This woman walks in, and she couldn't have been younger than like, I don't know. 55, right. She was an older woman, maybe even in her 60s. And she walks in and she's a Spanish speaking women, Latina. And in Spanish, she asks me, she says, I just got a new boyfriend. He has a really high stamina. I would really love to, to keep up with him. But I don't know how is there something that I can purchase that can help me keep up with my boyfriend's high stamina? So I was like, Oh, do you want like a toy? And she goes, No, no, I don't, I don't want to use a toy. She's like, do you have like a lubricant or just something that's going to help me keep up with him? And I was thinking about it. And I said, Oh, what about an arousal cream? I was like, Okay, so let's look at the clitoral cream. So I start explaining the clitoral creams. This is what it does. You put it on the clitoris, you know, giving her all the information. And she looks at me like if I'm speaking Chinese, and she's like, what's that word? You keep saying like she's so confused. And I was like, I know I was confused, right? Because I didn't know what word I was saying that was confusing. And I said cream. And she goes, No, that other word. And I thought about it and I looked at her and I said clitoris. She goes yeah, what is that? And I looked at her. I said you don't know what a clitoris is? And she goes, No, I've ever heard of that before. So I grabbed the vulva puppet, grab the velvet puppet from the backroom start explaining to this woman in her 50s 60s as a 23 year old what a clitoris was. And then I said purchase this cream. Go and go home tonight. Look in the mirror and put the cream on and see what happens. And she goes wow, I had no idea this was a thing. So she leaves she purchases the cream and I just fucking broke down in tears. I was like, How the fuck? Did that just happen? How the fuck am I like a 23 year old explaining what a clitoris is to a woman in her 50s and 60s and I swear to God, that day I told myself, when I become a therapist, when I become a coach, I'm going to make sure that every single vulva owner I work with knows the ins and outs of their vulva. Because literally bullshit. Yeah, literally. Because it is bullshit to me, right? And there's this added layer of culture that she was a Spanish speaking Latina from Latin America that just even drove made me angry. It made me really sad. And it made me angry, sad at the fact that she had been living her entire life not knowing what the most amazing part of her body was, which is the clitoris, and angry because it's not her fault. She is just part of a fucked up society that wants to disempower whoever is in it and a really big part of the disempowerment process. Sass in our society is stripping us away from our sexual empowerment. So that's how it started. And that's why I'm very, very passionate about the Yoni gazing ceremonies that I do with my clients. I love that.

Effy

I mean, even when you were just telling that story, I was like, oh, and I totally those feelings resonate with me angry and sad. That was what comes out for me as well. And I recently was doing a workshop in Turkey, which was interesting to me, like, I'd never done it before. I didn't know what to expect. There was a wide range of like, knowledge, experience, desire. In the room, there were 25 women. And then the very, very end, a young woman came up to me and said something similar. I've never talked to myself, I've never looked at myself, I haven't even looked in the mirror, without my pants on without my panties on. And I was like, luckily, she was in her 20s and I can't imagine like she without any support in her 50s Having had a lifetime of not connecting with her body, even in her 20s I was like sad for her that that's what she was coming from and pissed as fuck, because that's what that's what was available to her. So I completely completely understand that. And I do love this idea of unit gazing and and having that as a thing that you kind of like, do to empower women. So tell me about your ritual. Like how do you go about doing that? By the way,

Jocelyn

I'm not the only sex coach sex therapist that does Yoni gazing. There's several that have their own versions of this practice, but I've developed my own. So there are four steps to Yoni gazing that I do with my one on one clients. And then there's five steps that I do with my workshops, my play parlors that I do with multiple people. So the five steps that I do so the first one is an anatomy lesson, right? Because when we're Yoni gazing, I want whoever's looking at their vulva to know what they're looking at, and to know where to find it. Everyone I've worked with everyone I've met has very like different knowledge levels of their vulva. So some people will know everything some people will know some parts and some people that I speak with just absolutely know nothing. So having an anatomy lesson really allows for whoever's about to Yoni gaze for the first time to know okay, like this is what I'm looking for when I look at my own vulva. So the anatomy lesson consists of everything outer lips, inner lips, urethra, clitoris, clitoral hood and vagina and understanding where all the different parts are also having a clear understanding that the vulva is the most diverse part of the human anatomy, which means that no vulva is going to look the same, right? And it's very important to discuss that because one of the reasons why Volvo owners don't look at their own Volvo's one is because you have to be intentional to do it, right. It's not like penises where like, you literally just look in your face. In your face. Right? You need to be intentional about looking at your vulva. So that's one and two, because a lot of vulva owners are scared to see what their vulva is look like. They're scared that they're going to be ugly is their vulva? Is it going to scare them? What are they going to find down there? Right. And so that's really a big part of it. So yeah, so it have a full anatomy lesson is

Effy

the first one. Where do you think that narrative comes from? Well, for

Jocelyn

one, I think a couple of I mean, it really depends. One, for sure is pornography, and how evolvers are viewed in pornography. And this is something that like, people don't understand. And I say it over and over and over. Pornography is not real. Pornography is a performance, right? Pornography. People that do pornography are professional pornography, performers. And so a lot of individuals that do pornography will get work done to their bodies. Why? Because their bodies is their product as a porn performer, right? Getting surgeries, right? Oh my god, the words escaping me right now. Badger badger pasties?

Effy

veggie pasta? Yes.

Jocelyn

Yeah. Is is very common in the pornography world, right? Because there's a certain aesthetic that people want to achieve when it comes to the vulva. Something that a lot of my clients have. Not a lot but a few have confided in me also has been past partners who've made comments about their boldness. Someone telling them Oh, your your vulva is not that pretty? Or? Oh, you have kind of dark skin and different parts of your vulva. Right?

Effy

How dare you?

Jocelyn

Yeah, when people think I know it's fucked up. When people think of a quote unquote pretty vulva, they think of a pink vulva. But Baba is coming out different colors, or the way that the lips protrude, right that needs to be in a in a specific way order in order for it to be quote unquote, pretty and if it's different than that, then it's considered quote unquote, ugly, right? And hairless. Right? perilous

Effy

and Oh, pubic hair. Yeah. Which makes me think actually pink and hairless. Right? It sounds juvenile, which is kind of creepy. Now we're seeing it. Yeah, I know right? grown women are important actresses upon actors don't tend to have like, pink, pretty hairless revolvers,

Jocelyn

or but that's the thing. I think that it's okay to have your preferences I'll be I'll keep it real I love getting zillions. I fucking love being completely hairless because oral sex feels better. I just feel a little more feminine. But I do enjoy pubic hair too. I don't think that's the problem. I think the problem is when that's the expectation, right? Like if you have a conscious awareness that like, Oh, my preference is hairless. That's different than being like hairless is the beauty standard that we should all strive for. You see the difference? Sure. Of course, that's like the fucked up part of like, world in which we expect Volvo owners to have a certain aesthetic of a ball, but in order for it to be pretty or good enough, or deemed as sexy. So yeah, also, I think there's this other layer of the ways in which children are raised around sexuality and the verbiage that a lot of parents use, especially in like our cultures, like Latino cultures, where they'll say like, don't touch yourself, it's dirty. That's dirty, go clean your hands and sturdy versus saying that's something you do on private versus public. Sure. And so that dirty mentality can also make you say, Oh, my vulva is dirty. I'm dirty. If I touch myself, it's dirty, which definitely creates another layer of separation between ourselves and our bodies. Yeah,

Effy

very sad. Very sad. Okay. Yeah, I mean, I totally get that. Those are the reasons why someone might not want to someone might be scared. I mean, that's the thing, isn't it? Like, they're scared of looking at their own. Own vulva? Some some women. And that's sad. To me. That is really sad. When it's like, clean and like, I don't want to, I can even understand I don't want to I'm like, okay, like, sure you do you do you boo. But when you're scared it looking at evil now, I'm sad.

Jocelyn

And that's most of the reasons why people don't do it is because fear? Yeah, yeah. fear and shame.

Effy

Yeah. Okay, so that was that was one that was step one. What's what's next. So step two

Jocelyn

is a meditation and embodiment practice that includes orgasmic breathing. So after doing the anatomy lesson, I'll have my clients relax, lay down, set up whatever feels best for them. And then they take them through an experience that connects their mind and their breath with their Yonis. So orgasmic breathing is the dress in which you harmonize your breath and contracting your kegel muscles at the same time, so that you can feel a connection to your Yoni and this is a wonderful opportunity for them to feel into their Yonis before they're going to look at their Yoni so they learn about their Yonis. Now they're going to feel into them. So we do some orgasmic breathing. I'll do like a visualization practice where I have them visualize a bright warm light, them breathing in this bright, warm light all the way down to the Yonis. And then them feeling into the Yoni says or contracting and releasing through their breaths through orgasmic breathing.

Effy

So the kegel muscles are the muscles that you use to like stop yourself from peeing, right?

Jocelyn

Yes. So the muscles you stop yourself from urinating so when you're peeing, and then you want to like squeeze and that so everyone can squeeze their giggles right now already squeezed.

So yeah, so we do that and it harmonizes the body. That's the part two. And then at the end of the meditation embodiment practice, I have them set an intention for the Yoni gazing. So because everyone has different intentions when they do this, so the intention could be to learn something new to feel more connected to my body, to get rid of the shame that I've been carrying for many years, to become best friends with my vulva, right to ask for forgiveness, whatever it may be, everyone has a different intention. So this is an opportunity for them to set that tone and that intention for themselves as well.

Effy

I love those intentions, by the way, there was there was some really like, being besties I talked on the show all the time, and I decided I was besties with my vulva, like around four or five like I have very clear memories of this. And that is like when I tell people like we're besties like the reaction I get out of them this idea that you can be like besties with your with your vulva is like really resonates with people and I love that that is such an awesome intention to say I completely full support of that of that intention. Also like asking for forgiveness. That is deep that is really deep.

Jocelyn

Oh yeah. Oh yeah, we got this entire process is deep. There's nothing I mean that honestly, there's nothing light hearted about it. A lot of my clients have fun doing buying it. But it is a it could be a very emotional and deep, deep healing space. Absolutely

Effy

love that. Okay, so we set an intention, what's coming next.

Jocelyn

So that's part two. Part three is now the goal the ball buying dazing at the same time, because so it's the vulva gazing part. So Part three is I haven't turned their cameras off, you know, because it's just this is them with them. I pull up the anatomy chart so that they have a reference. And then during the gazing, I have them grab a mirror, spread their legs open, and I walk them through this process. So the process is we look at our vobis further entirety. And then we slowly pick apart each part of the vulva. So we look at the clitoris, and we look at the clitoral hood, and then the inner lips, and then the outer lips, and then the urethra and the vagina, right. And as they're doing this, I encourage them to use their fingers to play around, to dig around to pay attention to any colors, textures, sizes that they find interesting, any beauty marks that they see. And throughout the entire process. I'm constantly reminding them, do not judge yourself come from a place of curiosity, not judgment, curiosity, not judgment. And I've had a lot of people say that this is so helpful when I say that because a lot of individuals want to be mean and say Ill that's ugly, or wow, I didn't like that's gross or whatever, you know, and I always say, come from Curiosity. Don't come from judgment, don't judge your body. Just be curious about your body. And so the gazing, we walk each other through all of those different areas of that can be very clear. And sometimes individuals will have questions like, Oh, I'm not sure if this is my clitoris, like, you know, and so, in situations like that, I'll say okay, like you want to tap around to the most sensitive part of your vulva is the clitoris. So when you tap around with your finger, you'll notice Oh, something feels more sensitive. That's it. Or like I explained to them, you know, the clitoris has two legs that fold right underneath the clitoral hood to kind of guide them with that on very rare occasions. Sometimes my clients will straight up show me like can you just show me your Amazon? I'm like gallery show, you know. So it just it really just depends on everyone. But yeah, so that's the Yoni gazing portion, which is the actual looking at our bombas together.

Effy

I love that I can see how the how powerful that is. The thing that reminds me of actually, I saw Madison young doing a one woman show in New York and as a part of her show is a crazy epic show. And she's such a like a you know, she's just such an amazing performer and gets to this really extreme part where she says she she inserts a clear speculum into her vagina and gets a flashlight and makes audience get an getting a line to look inside her inside, like literally look inside her. And at the end of the show, she gives speculums out to the audience. Oh, like these clear plastic speckles out to the audience. And when I saw her at when I saw the show when it just like had the crescendo that this place where she was like, and come and have a look with a flashlight. I was like the front of the front of the line. I was like, Hold on, I really want to see this. Just because I've never seen inside of it like I've never seen inside a vagina before. And then when she was giving them out, I was like, Yes, this makes so much sense. So there is like the next level from that if you want to get really intimate and I've since then I've heard women apparently it's a thing like, clear spectrums are a thing. You can buy them, you can order them online, and people go to that, like next level of looking inside themselves, which I think is absolutely like epic. But you know, let's start with the beginning. It's just like look at the outside. But yeah, there's like a whole other level.

Jocelyn

Yeah, when I say when we look at our vaginas, it was we look at our vaginal openings because you can't look inside your vagina without the speculum. Yeah, a lot of people get confused. Like, what's the vagina? What's the vulva? The vulva is the external part of the Oregon and then the vagina is what's inside, right? Yeah, yeah.

Effy

So we look at the vulva. We look at the vulva. And then what comes next?

Jocelyn

Yes, that's part three. And then Part four is we talk to her vulva.

Effy

Ooh, tell me about that.

Jocelyn

So give a give individuals an opportunity to say something to their vulva as it could be whatever they feel inspired to say. And this, this tends to be a very, very powerful moment for many of them. So some individuals will art will choose to say something like I love you. Thank you, right words of gratitude. Some individuals will ask for forgiveness, right for individuals that have had past sexual trauma. It's a very healing experience to be able to reconnect and you know, say, I'm so sorry that you went through so much like thank you for being such a trooper. For others. It's more of a light hearted situation where they're just like, hey, hi. Nice to meet you like It really just depends on everyone's experience. Yeah, but just giving everyone an opportunity to say some words to the revolvers. And then the second piece of Part four is allowing the revolvers to say something to them. So the prompts that I'll usually give is if your vulva could tell a story, what would your vulva say? Or what do you intuitively feel that your vulva wants to tell you? Right? And that's also really powerful experience, because then they'll hear a lot of like, I always say your mom was the most intuitive part of your body. And they'll be surprised at how much they've always had to tell them. So speaking to revolvers, and then giving their barbers an opportunity to speak back to them.

Effy

Yeah. What are some of the interesting different standout narratives? Have you heard from Evolver?

Jocelyn

So I'll speak for myself and then I can give you some that my clients something that felt like a long time because whatever, most of the time when I do vulva gazing, I'm also looking at my own vulva. So I'm doing having the experience with my clients. And I'll ask my father, like, Okay, what do you have to say to me today, and for a long time, I Valva kept saying, You need to be more selective with who you share me with. I need you to like be a little more selective. And that was kind of annoying, because I was like, like, why can't you just be happy with everyone who has sex with? Well, it's because I was choosing sexual partners that were not in alignment for for a while. And I had to go through that process to understanding like, Okay, who is in alignment with me, what type of sexual partners do I want? And I noticed that since putting more intention into that, my vulva has been a lot more receptive and happy with who I'm excusing. And I can actually feel into her a lot more now. So like, if I'm about to have sex with someone I can feel when my mom was like, fuck, yes. This person, or like, almost like quinoa, I'm not sure how I feel about this person, I literally can feel into her. So that was something that she would say to me for a long time before I got with the program and was like, Okay, let me like be a little more intentional about who I sleep with, right? So that's something that I would hear myself, it's helped me often right. But a few recurring themes that I've hear I've heard from clients have been, I would like for us to be closer. That's something that a lot of my clients hear, like, can we be best friends, like, I would love for us to do this more often. A few others is, I would like for you to be comfortable touching me more. That's one that I've heard a few times that the revolvers will say like, oh, like, you can touch me like, I want you to touch me. Yeah, those are some recurring themes that I've heard. And then there's it really like wide ranges of different other answers that I hear like, some of them will just be simple, like, hi, nice to meet you. Oh, one time I remember I had a client who said that their vulva told them that they see all the work that they're putting into themselves and that their like, their vulva is really proud of them. Or like, You're doing a great job, right? So yeah, it just depends on every person. But those are some things that I remember that, like people have told me that their mamas have said to them,

Effy

beautiful, what an intimate and beautiful experience to be a part of I know, I know, these are your classes, individuals and groups. And I mean, I find that with my own sessions like this. So like being a part of some profound moments in people's lives is one of the reasons why I do what I do. And I think just listening to your stories, the fact that you're holding those spaces, sharing this very intimate, profound moments with people, I can imagine that feeling just like warm, fuzzy, gooey, interesting, super curious. Yeah.

Jocelyn

Yeah, it is. It's really beautiful it and it's funny, because sometimes I'll think to myself, like, Oh, this is probably not going to hit hard for this person, or we'll see how this goes. And often, more often than not, it turns into an incredibly emotional and deeply healing experience where that even takes my clients by surprise. They're like, Oh, my God, I didn't think I was gonna cry, or like, Oh, my God, I didn't think this was going to be so intense, right? I actually had a client who considered herself very, like, knowledgeable and very connected intuitively with her with her sexuality and very sexually empowered. She just had a few things that she wanted to work through. And she was like crying during our session. And she was just like, wow, I didn't realize this was going to be so intense. So it really it doesn't matter. Like which knowledge level you come from, this can be a very beautiful and deeply healing experience for anybody.

Effy

Sure. Yeah. Okay, so that was full. Yeah.

Jocelyn

And then in the fifth part, well, I guess you can see the fifth part could happen. There's a step five, which happens in the ceremony, and then there's like a homework assignment that I give everyone afterwards. So the step five in the group settings is that we have open discussion about it in a group setting because open discussion a group setting where there's multiple people is so beautiful, because what ends up happening like let's say you're in a room filled with 10 people, and that you have an open discussion is that people start ping ponging back ideas and thoughts and feelings and people start to resonate. And so there's this added layer of like, oh my God, my experience is not unique in the sense, like, we are all going through the same thing together. And it's a very intense moment to where people can like relate to one another and be like, Oh my god, I felt that too. Oh, my God, like that resonates with me also, and be able to hear different people's stories and what came up for them. So that's the fifth part of the ceremony is really like engaging in that group discussion, which can be very revealing, and beautiful for many.

Effy

Beautiful. Again, one of the things that come up for me is what we say on the show a lot, which is inspiration and permission, right. And I can totally see a space how like that to be very inspiring. And because you're doing it in like, good company, you're also doing it like giving each other permission to really go to those places, and feel those feelings and find your way around and express those feelings in this very supportive, nurturing, sisterhood space. So I love that it's like inspiration and permission all over it. So I absolutely love that. Yeah. And then homework assignment, and the

Jocelyn

homework assignments to write a love letter to your labia. Ah, it's usually a really beautiful experience for many because then they get to personify their Volvo cars, and tell their Volvo has everything that they've been wanting to tell them. Again, whether that be asking for permission or expressing gratitude. Like I always say, like, you know, our bodies, we have a relationship with our bodies and our bodies, we take a lot of what our bodies do for granted. Like when you think about the fact that your heart beats all the time without you thinking about it. That's pretty wild. You know what I mean? Or you know that your vulva gives you pleasure when you have sex, like, I always tell my clients like your vagina is where your partner derives, penetrate, like pleasure during penetrative sex. This is how you connect with your partners on a deeper level. This is where menstrual blood comes out of this is literally the place where the spirit world in the physical world unites, right, like through childbirth. And so when you think about all of the special and most beautiful roles that are involved, US and vaginas play, I mean, it's ridiculous that we don't celebrate her more than we do. Of course, our bones are fucking kick ass. Dope.

Effy

They are. Absolutely, I mean, and the reason we don't is like is the patriarchy raises system that that's oppressing it. But I think I do wonder I do wonder this like, at what point we will stop being an author of a vulva. And I'm not saying that because I have one. But really, like when you do everything that you just said, like it has everything that you said, you said, and more. And I don't understand at what point we stopped being all with her just like, because when I think about it, that is what comes up for me like or, and again, I don't I don't mean literally mine. But just like Volvo cars in general vaginas in general. I'm just in awe of the design of what it can do of what it is, you know, and I don't know what happened, like what could have happened that is so systemically oppressive and systemically fraught, that we've lost or the feeling of or when it comes to followers, it honestly blows my mind.

Jocelyn

I mean, let's break it apart. You have a literal orgasm machine that just exists in between your legs, like it has no other purpose in your life than to give you pleasure, which is the clitoris like, hello, thank you, Jesus, right? You have a heart inside, right that you if you know ideally, like if there's a heterosexual situation, right? Like you have sex with the penis that secretes the liquid inside of you that can possibly turn into literal human life. You can literally create human the semen goes in and baby pops out nine months later. I mean, that's fucking crazy. You know what I mean? Like, it's insane. Like, urine comes out of there, which is great. menstrual blood comes out of there, which cleans out your systems and regulates your hormones. I mean, it has

Effy

its own climate. It has its own ecosystem. Its pH. I like

Jocelyn

cleaning. Yeah, you can like it does its own thing. It takes care of itself, like cool thing, you know?

Effy

Totally. Yeah. And the spiritual part of it that you mentioned as well. Like, that's where the lifeforce lives and that's where

Jocelyn

whether you want to have kids or not, like I don't want to have kids, but just the fact that like, I have the organs that can make kids if I wanted to, like that's kind of cool. Like when you take away the word, like, let's not use children or kids, but like, human life, like like, you know, I've been Yeah, I've been here with my mom the last few months because I'm staying in that lane for a few months this time. And one day just dawned on me like I was touching her hand and I was like, I looked at her and I said mom, mind higher body came out of you. And she goes, Yeah, I literally created you. I was like, my skin, my bones, my blood are yours. And she goes, yeah, they're either they're mine and your dad's just like, that's all me and it just blew my mind. I'm like, What the fuck? That's crazy. We don't talk about how I'm saying that. Like, all it is, you know? Like, my mom just literally popped me out. And here I am a full grown human being like, it's crazy.

Effy

Yeah, totally. I always question that that first line in the Bible, right? God created man in His own image, right? That's the first line.

Jocelyn

Volvo owners create man. are gods.

Effy

Yeah, no, exactly. And that's what do you not mean her image? Because really, there's only one side of this that creates life. Like if we're talking about God and creating life, and then you're going to create something in your own image that creates life that is a woman. I don't know. Why are we saying God created man in His own image? Like, I don't? I know. Of course, I'm a woman. I'm gonna have this point of view. But I do feel that's objectively true.

Jocelyn

Oh, yeah, it is. I think that like, throughout time, men have just been really jealous of all the cool things that women can do. And so this process of suppression comes from a place of actual inferiority, and fear of like women of vulva owners powers, right? Oh, fuck yeah. 100%. It's, I mean, I hear it all the time. Also, like, when I used to work at the sex shop, and men would come in, and literally 90% of the store was designed for Volvo owners, you know, like, toys. Like, I mean, there's just, I mean, look at the variety of toys that you can create for Volvo owners. And then like, 10%, or maybe that even like, 5% way in the corner was like the men like the penis section. It was just like, you know, a few strokers and like, a penis pump or whatever. And guys would all the time be like, Man, so jealous of you guys. I wish I had a vagina. I was like, look at all these cool things you guys can use. Like, we're so basic, you know, right? I mean, honestly, for to any vulva owner that's listening to this. If you've never you've you have not taken the time to really connect with your father. I just hope that you know how incredibly lucky you are to have been born with one because and I also just want to say the reason why I keep seeing vulva owners is because gender and genitalia are not one in the same, right? And there are men that have all of us, there are women that have penises. And so that's why I keep saying vulva owners, but if we just really take the time to embrace our genitalia, especially if you're a vulva owner, I mean, it just makes life 10 times better and your sex life, sex life and your life 10 times better. Yes,

Effy

I completely, completely agree with that. I completely agree with that. I have a question for you. How do you feel about uni gazing with a partner? Oh, okay, great.

Jocelyn

Actually, I'm happy that you said that. So for my clients that are in relationships, or that like have someone that they regularly have sex with. Another part of the homework that I give them is to do a show and tell their partner so I'll have them like, open their legs and feel like okay, so this is my clitoris. This is my this is what it does my clitoral hood. And I tell them like go through all of the different parts and teach your partner what you just learned. And every single people person has told me this. They said they had so much fun doing it that their partner was asking questions that like it became this really fun thing or like they'll pop quiz their partner and be like, Okay, where's the clitoris? You know, where's the inner lips? Or is this and it turns into like this really beautiful experience. So I think a show Intel's a lot of fun. And Yoni gazing is a lot of fun, too. If you're in a relationship with there's two of us so you can show and tell for one another. Right? So yeah, you can have a lot of fun with this for sure. Yes.

Effy

I can also imagine it being quite intimate. I feel like it's like the I mean, I can definitely fun and games. And I can also imagine him being super intimate because it's, I wouldn't even imagine it's being more intimate than say like having sex. Because like I could hook up with somebody and have a great time. But like, I don't know if I wanted to Yoni gazing with just anyone.

Jocelyn

I joke around that a lot of what I have my clients do, it's like, I'll have them do something that they think is one thing, but then it turns out to be another. So I'm happy that you said that because that's often what will happen. Oh, that sounds like a fun like, Yeah, let's do the show and tell and then they're like, holy shit that was really intimate. Like that was a really beautiful connecting moment. And I'm like, Yeah, I know that because it scares and intimidates people. So I always really love to like give these experiences to my clients thinking they're doing one thing and then they gain so much more out of it, right? It's like the Yoni gazing like, Oh, we're gonna look at our vamos Okay, that sounds simple. But then once they do the whole process, they're like, holy shit so much more came out of this. So yeah, are always even sex coaching always has nothing to do with sex. Like I always joke around that, like I reel people in with six coaching. And then I'm like, Just kidding. We're going to talk about our feelings.

Speaker 4

I know exactly. Yeah. I love that. You're good. You're good. You have good clickbait. And then you're like, let's talk about I feel Yeah. That's the erotic lives actually.

Jocelyn

Exactly. So Okay, how

Effy

about this? 10? So we do we agree that doing it with a partner is a, like a good, healthy, intimate, connecting thing to do? How would we even bring that out with a partner?

Jocelyn

Yeah. So if you're working with someone, right, and you could say, I mean, that's the beauty of having a coach is that it's literally your homework. So you can be like, Okay, so my homework this week is to do a show and tell with you, right, so that's one. But if you're not working with the coach, if you don't, if you're obviously most, the vast majority of people are not in that situation. You could say, Listen, I heard this episode with curious Fox with Jocelyn. And if you were then talking about vulva gazing, and I really want to try this show and tell with you, would you be open to me, showing you my vulva and teaching you about it? So that's one way to do it. I'm guessing everyone that's listening to this will be able to say that because you're already.

Speaker 4

Like, this is why we make these episodes, I use these episodes to your partner. Like I heard this thing randomly, just on the podcast. And then like breathing,

Jocelyn

like, let's try. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, so that's how or like, let's say that you've never listened. Like, let's just say that something that is completely I mean, just say like that, like, hey, like, I'm learning about my body. And I would really love for us to explore this more, would you be open? Or maybe even making it about more about you than your partner? So saying, I'm learning I'm taking the steps to learn more about my body? And what would really support me and getting to know my body more, is to have this show Intel experience with you? Would you be open to me just presenting my vulva to you and teaching you what I am learning about myself? So something like that?

Effy

I love that. Okay, what if you're a partner, and you want to have a show intel from your partner, and actually asked for the show in town to say, Listen, I want to, like I want to learn about your Well, what how would you go about that? Again,

Speaker 4

I heard this episode. I heard curious. Well, I just didn't everyone curious. And they said I can ask her this thing. That you can use that?

Jocelyn

Yeah, so you're saying if the person who doesn't have a vulva is asking the Volvo owner, right? Or they do

Effy

have a Volvo. But they're asking they asking a partner to they could also have a Volvo, right? But they're asking a partner to kind of do a show and tell on themselves.

Jocelyn

So two things are coming up for me. Okay, so the first one, through the process of being a coach, and my own personal development journey. One of the biggest, most important pieces of important information that I've learned about humans is that we cannot impose transformation, change, and personal development on anyone. People have to go through their own process and come to a point where they realize I need help. Somebody needs to shift. I need support in this area of my life. So the reason why that came up for me right now is because in a situation like this, you can run into a situation where your partner may not be ready to explore themselves, they may not be in that place where they're like, Oh, I'm ready to like, learn about what's in between my legs, that might not be something that they're ready for. Right? So this is why like, it's funny, actually, my dad yesterday was telling me how he met this man. And this man has a son who I don't know, is unmotivated. And my dad was like, Oh, my daughter is a coach, like, let me ask my daughter, she'll talk to him. And I was like, Absolutely not. Like that kid needs to reach out to me, not his father. Right? Because what's that gonna do? Like, oh, your dad told me to talk to you about your problems. Like that's not, it's not going to create anything like that that person needs to come to their own conclusions on their own. Right. So anyway, so that's what came up to me. And then the second thing, if a person does approach it, I would say to do it in a very gentle manner. And perhaps to do it from a place of like, let's do this together. Right? So I've learned that like, really learning about our bodies together can be a really intimate experience. Would you be open to doing some research on your vulva and us kind of like taking it apart and looking at it together? So that way, it's like a fun activity we're doing together. And it also takes away the pressure from like, can you teach me about your body because here's the thing that everyone knows about their own bodies and that could feel really intimidating. Right To Be Be like, oh shit, you want to learn about my vulva? Fuck, I don't even know anything about my Volvo. What the fuck am I gonna teach you? Right? So when you do it as a team like, Oh, this is a fun activity we can do together. It removes a lot of that pressure.

Effy

I love that. Sure. Yeah, no, that's very true. And definitely there. I mean, there are a million reasons why people might not be ready to explore, like, show their evolvers in that very intimate, open way. Your trauma, stigma taboo, not knowing yourself, everything that you've said. So I think those are great ways to sort of ask for it from a partner. Maybe even do I'll show you mine if you show me yours. I feel like that came up for me. Like, that's for sure. Yeah, like a playful way of saying, hey, like, Can we can we do this thing where you show me yours? And I'll show you mine? Like, I'll show you what works for me. And I want to know what works for you. And like, tell me, so I feel like that would be a fun way as well. So oh, 100% that Yeah, yeah. And anything in in any other way. I think that, in general, that idea of first and foremost discovering yourself, and really taking time and building your relationship with this. Or when I say awesome, I don't mean like awesome, like, awesome, cool, but like awesome, like, or inspiring part of your body, having built a relationship with with her and, and really connecting with her. And then for the the right people in your life that you feel close enough that you want to do this with sharing that with with your partners, I think is a game changer. I think it's almost essential for a healthy, wholesome, thriving sex life. Would you agree?

Jocelyn

Oh, yes, it is. 100%? Yeah, because it also puts you in a position where you have to have a conversation, which is what most people again, this is like, again, the one of those like, I'm going to have you do this, but really, it's going to spark this, because a lot of people don't even talk about sex with their partners. So this is not only going to be a fun activity, it also opens the doors for communication, you know, for asking questions for engaging in that type of dialogue that may not be existent in their relationship. Yeah, yeah. I love that. I guess the only thing that I would like to say is that you don't need to do a vulva gazing ceremony to look at your vulva. If you feel so inclined. Today, go take out a mirror and spread your legs open Google vulva anatomy, and do it yourself. Right? It's completely free. All it takes is a little bit of courage and a mirror. Right? And or even your phone if you want to use your phone's camera, right, whatever you need to look at yourself. But if you feel like this is something that you're ready to do, and you want to do it on your own, it's really a simple practice. If you would like some guidance, you can go on my website, Jocelyn silva.com. And I actually have a pre recorded vulva gazing ceremony that you can purchase for 39 USD on my website and I'll guide you through the entire ceremony. So you have that. And sometimes I do them virtually or live. And you can find all the information on my Instagram. I am Jocelyn salva,

Effy

love that love that. Thank you for sharing thanks. I think resources are important. And I love that you're saying that it is available. Because you have a volver you have a mirror, you have a phone, and a little bit of courage. You know, Google has all the information you'll ever need, you can definitely do that that is available to you. Having said that, I have done things like this in community, I have done things like this and ceremony and ritual. And there is another extra layer to that, that really helps you and support you and encourages you and celebrates the thing that you're doing. So yes, choose your own adventure always just adding to that I actually think maybe like see all of the above, like go and have a look at yourself today. Like when this went if you haven't done it, when this episode ends, put your headphones down, grab a mirror, grab a light if you need to have a look alike, I think across the board, and then consider how do I nurture this relationship? How do I get to know her more? How do I you know, find that extra courage, extra celebration, extra connection. And I think you do that in doing in community doing in groups doing in house spaces. So I think I will say like all of the above, have a look straightaway. And then do some research and figure out how else you'd want to do it. And I love talking to you and I think the spaces that you hold are amazing. So you're definitely like at the top of my list, there's an option and there are a bunch of others. Like I said at the beginning of this conversation, there are a bunch of other options out there. Choose your own adventure, but choose something like engage, fall in love with your vulva.

Jocelyn

Yes. Oh my god, please fall in love with your vulva. Fall in love with your vulva because you know why? Your vulva is already in love with you. Yes. I

Effy

love it. What a soundbite soundbite and also, if you're not going to fall in love with your wallet, how can anybody else hold him with your wallet so Like to be besotted deeply, madly in love with your vulva because she already loves you back. I love that.

Jocelyn

Yeah. Yeah. And you didn't earn her love. Right? She loves you because she's a part of you. She's Yes, period. Yes.

Effy

Love that. What a great way to end. Thank you so much. It was always an amazing conversation. I truly mean it. It's great, it's engaging. It's informative. It's fun. Thank you again for coming on the show and hope that we will come back soon.

Jocelyn

Thank you. I have so much fun too. I always love discussing this. So thank you for having me. Appreciate it.

Effy

To connect with Jocelyn Silva, jump on Instagram @iamjocelynsilva or Tik Tok at I am Jocelyn Silva. And learn more about her coaching by visiting her website jocelynsilva.com. If you'd like to listen to more episodes with Jessalyn check out the new episode dropped email from curious Fox in your inbox. While you will find the show notes links mentioned on the show, along with other episodes suggestions that we think you might just love. If you're not getting those you are missing out. So jump on our website wearecuriousfoxes.com and sign up to the newsletter. And of course, while you're there, check out the blog posts and the resources and the reading list and the recommendations and more to weigh in on the topic or connect with other foxy listeners. Head to facebook and join our Facebook group at we are curious foxes. Please share our podcast with a friend. quickly read the show, leave a comment and subscribe on Apple podcast or connect with the show. However it makes sense on your favorite podcast app. This will take a few seconds of your time will have a huge impact for us to support the show. Join us on Patreon. At we are curious foxes, where you can find many episodes, podcasts, extras, and over 50 videos from educator led workshops. Go to patreon.com forward slash we are curious foxes. And let us know that you're listening by sharing a comment or a story or a question by emailing us or sending us a voice memo to listening@wearecuriousfoxes.com This episode is produced by Effy Blue with help from Yağmur Erkişi. Our editor is Nina Pollock, who we should be writing love letters every week. Our intro music is composed by dev QA. We are so grateful for that work, and we're grateful to you for listening. As always stay curious friends. Curious Fox podcast is not and will never be the final word on any topic was solely aimed to encourage curiosity and provide a space for exploration through connection and story. We encourage you to listen with an open and curious mind and we'll look forward to your feedback. Stay curious friends.

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