Ep 5: Love Languages in Collaboration with Grown Up Questions
Art by @broken_isnt_bad
What are the love languages and how are they connected?
Effy collaborated with our friends at Grown Up Questions, a podcast about the life long process of becoming adults. The hosts Ben and Hannah, a brother and sister, explore the love languages with us to make sense of the way they connect to one another.
You can listen to more episodes of Grown Up Questions here.
To find more about Effy Blue and Jacqueline Misla, follow them at @wearecuriousfoxes, @coacheffyblue, and @jacquelinemisla on Instagram.
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TRANSCRIPT:
Effy
Hi, my name is Effy Blue. And this is the Curious Fox podcast. In this episode, we're collaborating with our friends at grown up questions, a podcast about tackling the lifelong process of becoming adults. The hosts Ben and Hannah, a brother and sister attended our spring soiree where we explored love languages to make sense of the way they connect to one another. You can listen to other episodes of grown up questions wherever you listen to podcasts. Enjoy the episode.
Hannah Green
So Ben, Ben, Ben, stop.
Ben Green
I'm Ben green.
Hannah Green
I'm Hannah Green.
Ben Green
We're brother and sister and we're trying to grow on today's episode Hannah and I redesign our sibling slash roomie relationship with the help of relationship coach Fe blue, and the philosophy of relationship by design.
Hannah Green
And we attend curious Fox is love language springs Soiree.
We have been discussing a lot on this podcast of ours about how to grow up kind of independently of each other, you know, like, how can we come of age you and you bend over? They're coming of age and be hand over here coming of age true. I was thinking that maybe this episode, we could talk about how we could grow up inside of our own relationship, like how we can have a really adult sibling relationship.
Ben Green
It's true. As a sibling podcast, we shouldn't be representative of good sibling relationships everywhere. What
Hannah Green
do you think is a way in which we are currently pretty grown up as, as siblings,
Ben Green
the thing about our grown up relationship as siblings that's the strongest is that and maybe this might be because we live together, we resolve our conflicts in a way that I really like, when we see that there's a conflict between us. And when we have some kind of fight about it after the first interaction, which is usually pretty short. We go to our separate corners, cool off, and then come back together and have a really measured vulnerable conversation where it's like, for me, it feels like this is what's happening. How does it feel like for you, you know, we ask each other that question, and then we hear out, we hear out what each other is saying. And then we acknowledge what the other person has felt and say, Okay, I'm going to be more mindful of that. So I think that like, I think we do that pretty quickly after we notice that a conflict is out in the open, which I like.
Hannah Green
Yeah, I think that our conflict resolution is definitely adult and I'm proud of us. Yeah, yes.
Ben Green
Yes. End of Episode.
Hannah Green
Yeah, we're good. We're solid on the conflict resolution management area of of our relationship.
Ben Green
What do you think is the most grown up part of our relationship?
Hannah Green
Uh, I think that the way we handle finances is really grown up. You know, you handle certain utilities, I handle others. There's no problem with that. You pay me back as soon as I need it. We, you know, split things down the middle very easily. Or sometimes we do nice things for each other. Or sometimes we don't keep track and that's okay. You know, I just feel like we have a very fluid fair, but not overly demanding. Financial sharing relationship.
Ben Green
Yeah, thanks to Venmo. We have never had to knock on each other's doors, or and say, where's that? 20 bucks?
Hannah Green
Yeah, like, please pay me dude. Like, that just sucks. And I feel like we don't we don't ever do that, which is nice. So we
Ben Green
get to track our life events based on our Venmo interactions.
Hannah Green
I know it's so strange. What a strange piece of information
Ben Green
to share with everyone you know, if you want, I know. And people people
Hannah Green
do joke that we sort of pass the same, like 10 bucks or so back and forth forever. But I do think that it is. It's still very adult to feel like it's not an issue. There's no drama around it. It's just money. It's just numbers.
Ben Green
And no one's like, Hey, you can't touch my oat milk.
Hannah Green
Yeah, yeah. Like we're very sharing with the with oat milk and the like.
Ben Green
I agree. What do you think is the least grown up thing about her relationship?
Hannah Green
And the state of the kitchen? Oh,
Ben Green
my God. You mean the kitchen that only I use? I know. But that's that's like if you don't even go to the park and you're like, there's that guy sitting on that park bench every day. And it's like, well, yeah, he's using the park.
Hannah Green
I don't know. I think every morning that you wake up, things should just look perfect.
Ben Green
I think that they should look non messy, but it's okay if they look a little bit lived in.
Hannah Green
Yeah, I don't believe in that. I think that things should always look just like a clean, like, like you just
Ben Green
bought it. That's gross. That's Stepford wife. It's just
Hannah Green
the key to sanity. Anyway, I feel like this is a difference of opinion and less of a grown up issue.
Ben Green
Yeah, I mean, it isn't. This is just the friction of having any roommate is that you're gonna have different tolerances for cleanliness
Hannah Green
that said, the counters
Ben Green
are stickies me, I use 409 on them at least twice a week. Yeah. But then they're streaky. Okay, but I don't know how to keep them from being streaky.
Hannah Green
I have to try harder. Yeah. Okay. All right, moving on. What's one thing that you would say would be a way to increase the grownup pneus of our relationship? Like, what's one area for improvement? Well,
Ben Green
one thing that I wish was better is like, I feel like when I come home at the end of the day, and I want to talk to you about my day, I want to talk to you about like, oh, I had this thing happen at work today. I think it exhausts you. And I wish that I could figure out how at those sort of stressful times, I don't want to exhaust you, you know, I want to figure out a way for us to be together. But I also don't want to feel like I'm keeping myself all pent up and not able to, like communicate that I had a rough day. Yeah,
Hannah Green
I mean, kind of the tough challenge for me, there's, I don't want you to feel like you can't communicate those things to me either. But you're right in the fact that at the end of my day, I've spent the whole day talking to people. And I do end up sort of finding the task of listening and responding to be very challenging at the end of the day, just since that's my whole day. So I think what you're experiencing is less about me wanting to avoid, you know, hearing about your day and more just about being out of gas.
Ben Green
I mean, yeah, you want to keep it really light at the end of the day. And I get that you want to talk about like mounting your TV in your bedroom, or like the new clock that you got for your wall, or I don't know, nothing, or nothing at all. And for me, like I've kept it pretty light and pretty surface all day long. I've just been like sitting at my computer, working away on stuff and like sending emails and editing videos. And at the end of the day, I'm looking to like, open my mouth pretty much for the first time all day. So you now are coming into the end of the day with a totally opposite experience really
Hannah Green
different experiences. You're literally coming at it from a place of like, let's talk about everything. And I'm coming at it from a place of like, let's stop talking about everything. Stop talking about everything. Exactly. So yeah, I mean, I think it would be great if if one of the next sort of adult journeys in our relationship would be to figure out how we can both be there for each other in an adult, you know, nurturing, compassionate way that doesn't exhaust either of us or isn't difficult for either of us,
Ben Green
for us to have the most grown up experience.
Hannah Green
Yes, because optimization is the name of the game. This is the name of the growing up game.
Ben Green
And it's not just as a sibling thing, but it's like, We're roommates too. I mean, we see each other at the end of the day, every day, more or less. Unless, you know, one of us doesn't come home for some fun reason.
Hannah Green
Hey, yeah, right. That's right. That was such
Ben Green
an awkward response you started.
Hannah Green
You started it and then left me swimming at it. I was just like, you should just swim in this and figure it out. Yeah, I
Ben Green
was hoping that you would, you know, swim, not sink. I sunk. You know, actually, I have a friend who is an expert on this very issue. She helps people design their relationships. I think that actually she might have some good insight for us. Do you think I should talk to her?
Hannah Green
That sounds good. You should talk to her. I will that sounds good. You should talk to her.
Ben Green
I'll tell you what she has to say that sounds good. You should talk to her. Oh my god.
Effy
So Miss Effie blue. Hello. Hello, Benjamin. How are you joining me you always welcome thanks for having me on your show. Thanks
Ben Green
for sitting on my couch. So I briefed you a little bit. But Hannah and I are we are trying to maintain the grown up myths of our relationship. And you seem to be the best person for us to talk to because of relationship by design. But maybe you could start off by telling us a little bit about what you do. Sure,
Effy
absolutely. So I'm a relationship coach, I specialize in open relationships by coach around this idea of relationship by design, I think that we should actively and consciously design our relationships in a way that everybody in them can thrive.
Ben Green
Right. And that's really the reason that I wanted to talk to you because my sister and I have obviously no sexual relationships. So be really clear.
Effy
Good and good to know.
Ben Green
But we do want to effectively design our relationship in a way that we are happy with the time that we spend together while limited time that she and I do have at the end of our day.
Effy
Absolutely. Because ultimately a relationship is a relationship, right? And then if that relationship is a romantic one, then you design the sexual part, as well to add to that relationship, the idea of relationship by design absolutely applies to all relationships in your life. Your professional ones, your family, your friends, your lovers, your partner, all of the above.
Ben Green
Great, where would you normally start
Effy
putting relationships to one side for a second? I want to get people to think about this idea of by design, right? What does that mean to you? And a good way that I can get people to sort of think about it is that if I told you that I had magical powers, sometimes I do. And then if I was to snap my fingers that I was gonna manifest your dream home, all you have to do is describe to me in as much detail as you can, what that dream home is for you. And it could be anything. So you have to sort of think about it, and I'm really open minded creative way could be a treehouse in the Amazon, or a biodome under the Pacific, right? Think about your life, and things that are important to you. And then what that looks like in your domestic environment. The examples I give people is, I'm a keen cook. So I love cooking, and I love cooking with friends. And I love having dinner parties. And I love experimental cooking. So in my dream home, there'll be a massive kitchen with like multiple ovens and a built in through feed. And then I'd have this like one of those big long farm tables where I can like gather friends, and we can all sit and eat and and sort of have fun, right? So I think about what's important to me, which is this idea of cooking in a community kind of way. And then what that looks like, for me domestic environment is this amazing kitchen that I could imagine. What about you, Ben? What would you have in your dream house
Ben Green
based on what's happening right now I'm imagining in my dream house, I'd probably have to have a recording studio so that I could have people over and talk, you know, make podcasts. And there would probably be like snack bowls that would slowly come down from the ceiling. And it's it's voice activated. It's like chips.
Effy
Perfect. Exactly, exactly. Can you see how that kind of thinking that creative problem solving could apply to designing your time with Hannah?
Ben Green
We think about that we have two hours to spend together. And we design it like our like you would design this room in the house. You're like, Okay, I need this. And you need that. So we need to design this two hours in a way that gives us both. Absolutely. Well, what I want from my experience with Hannah, in those few hours, let's sort
Effy
of start with what when are those two hours?
Ben Green
Okay, yeah. Well, there is occasionally a couple hours when Hannah and I can hang out after she and I both come home from work.
Effy
Okay, great. So a school night. Yes. And after, you know, an evening starting probably around what, seven? 8pm. Yeah,
Ben Green
exactly. And then leading into 1010 30. Yeah, so there's a few hours there on occasion. It's not, it's not every night of the week. I'm like, coming home at the end of the day. And it may be the first time that she and I have really had a chance to talk for a longer period of time in a while. So I'm looking to like hear about what she's been going through or what she needs to get off of her chest and what I need to get off my chest and lead from there and to, you know, funny stories like that sort of, I'm hoping for a conversation that kind of starts with this sort of light angst release that you need, or that I need, which I'm learning is not something that she really wants to be doing. What she's looking for from those two hours is for it to be like a little bit more escapist and light like she likes to talk about. She likes to decorate her room. So she'll show me what she's been decorating a room with lately. Or, you know, she wants to talk about like trips that she could plan or that we are planning, she and I are planning a vacation together. And she doesn't really want to talk about what happened at my job, or what happens at her job unless it's like, really weighing on her roof is really happy. She just doesn't want to like go, she doesn't really want to talk about the past. You know?
Effy
So what I'm hearing is that those few hours that you have in the evening, you seem to have a need for connection and to be heard. Is that does that sound about right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she seems to have a need for space she
Ben Green
wants it to be? Well, she does like to have her space, she does really like to have her quiet time. And time that we spend together she prefer that it was like, she wouldn't like to be like watching a movie or if we are going to go out then she would like it to be spent, you know, just doing whatever the activity is that we're doing.
Effy
And what I'm also hearing is that you want connection, but you also want a specific type of connection where you kind of get to rant and debrief your day.
Ben Green
I feel like I want to rant and debrief a little bit. But I don't want her to feel you know, used I don't want her to feel like she's being drained by hearing about some iteration of a problem that I've you know, may or may not have been having for a while.
Effy
First of all, have you had this conversation with you know, if you're going to follow the relationship by design idea, you and Hannah would get together, sit down and you would say here are my needs. You know, I love you. You're my sister. You are somebody who I really care about and And I want to be close to you and what closeness looks like is, and then she would come to the table with her needs.
Ben Green
That was sort of the conversation that's led up to me reaching out to you. Well,
Effy
what can we design that can facilitate this? Right? In a practical kind of problem solving, I'll give you like, some ideas that I can think of right? Ah, I don't know how now well enough to know. But let's say that she comes in from what comes home, and that she does have this need to kind of leave everything behind, closed the door, go into her own home and like, relax, not having to feel on all the time. It's kind of what I imagined she's feeling.
Ben Green
Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that sounds right. Right. So maybe,
Effy
um, and then you're kind of ready to like, I'm ready to connect, let's connect, let's have a conversation. Like I've missed you. That's the moment where you're like, Oh, you got a mismatch of needs, right? Is there a way where she takes that first hour, maybe you come in, and you still connect, right? Because we sometimes get attached to a certain strategy to meet our need, right? So your strategy to meet your need for connection right now is a conversation, like you want to tell her about your day, you want to hear her day, and you want to have a verbal connection? Right? So it sounds like one of your love languages, and we'll talk a little bit about love languages is is words, it's your the way that you connect, and the way you show your love and affection for somebody is through conversation through words. So you're in that state, and she's like, I need quiet, right? So can you think have a strategy where you get some you get a feeling of connection without her feeling overwhelmed? So is it that in the first hour that she comes in, none, there is a bit of common house, you don't jump to the conversation straightaway. Maybe in that first hour, you cook together, you sort of turn on the couch, maybe watch like a short show or something like that, where she does get to power down. And then you can get into a conversation in a gentle kind of way, rather than like you just ready to like pounce on her, because you love her and you want connection, not because you're doing anything wrong. But that's just like what your needs are. So she gets that downtime, and then she can then get up a little bit and meet you for your need of a conversation and connection in that way. So she's had time to like decompress a little bit. Right? Yeah,
Ben Green
yeah, that makes sense.
Effy
Another strategy that you can try is to have assigned times, so people know what they're getting themselves into. And they can be prepared. For example, you can say, you know, you can have times where it's Ben Stein with Hannah, where Ben gets to have this connection conversations. So Friday night, Ben takes out kind of buys her a drink, you know, brother to sister and gets the vent and have these conversations so that Hannah is emotionally and mentally ready, that this is the sibling time that you're going to spend that takes care of Ben's needs.
Ben Green
For something that feels kind of icky about asking Hannah to go out on a date that specifically to meet my needs, I preferably would meet both of our needs. But I guess what you're saying is if I need to have that conversation with her, that connection time with her that's mostly going to meet my needs, then it would be better if it's on her terms,
Effy
right. And this is ultimately all about recognizing the needs of other people, and how you need to show and receive love. Most of us have different strategies of how what that looks like, right? And this is where its idea of Love Languages comes based on this book by Gary Chapman called Five Love Languages, where he groups the strategies of showing and receiving love into five categories.
Ben Green
Okay, five categories. Let's take them one at a time.
Effy
So one of them is words of affirmation, right? That's when you tell the other person that you love them and why you love them. And you pick your words really well. And you'll be really expressive verbally about how you how much you love the other person. So what's affirmation is one of them
Ben Green
words of affirmation. Yeah, this is my mom through and through. Like, I know that every time she gets birthday cards for my sister and I, that's she cries she just burst into tears. And it's because just hearing specifically what how we feel about her is how she knows that we love her
Effy
acts of service is another one two acts of service essentially doing things for the other person. It could be something practical, like taking the garbage out. Or it could be something special, like giving back rubs and foot rubs or you know, like that kind of like cozy, you know, cozy stuff. Right? So that's acts of service.
Ben Green
Yeah. And this is my dad, like my mom used to get pissed at him when we were kids because he would, he would like, help us by cleaning our rooms or putting our clothes away. And it's because that's just how he showed love. And yeah, that's interesting.
Effy
There's physical touch, right? So those are the people that love to cuddle hold Hands, play with the other person's hair, right? It doesn't always have to be romantic or sexual. You know, I've cuddled with my cousins all the time, you know, boy and girl cousins, you know, it's not a sexual, there's no sexual tension there. It's just that we have physical touch. And that's how we show and receive love, like we hang out on our couch, and we kind of cuddle in a cuddle puddle. Right? We know that it releases like oxytocin and serotonin when you have like, prolonged physical touch. And then there's a calming hormones, right, so physical touches something with gifts. Um, I find that often gets misunderstood. People think that gifting means like, elaborate extravagant gifts that are like expensive and, you know, diamonds and flowers. It's not gifting is just a material representation of I was thinking about you, you know, here's your favorite cold brew, because I was going past like your favorite coffee shop, and I got it for you. Yeah,
Ben Green
your man Thomas loves gifts. Yes, for sure. The other day, we were out to lunch, and it was at a place I chose and I'm like, the hot sauce here is so good. And they actually sell it. And at the end of the meal, he's like, Oh, we'll get one of those bottles of hot sauce to go.
Effy
Exactly, exactly. Then you have quality time spending time with the other person. Were you really sort of intentionally a bit game being together and spending time together and connecting during that time
Ben Green
connecting? Okay, so maybe that one is, is mine? Sounds like Yeah,
Effy
so I mean, the thing was, the thing with quality time is quality is subjective. Again, with these things you This is why imagine them as like broad categories. And then you kind of have to drill down to like, what does that look like, you know what I mean? So for example, if you have quality time for Hannah might be sitting together on the couch and watching a show. Right? Maybe that is the quality that she's looking for, like she's there with you is to have you, you know, you're doing something together, which seems like a passive activity. But for her that is uninterrupted, uninterrupted brother time, where she doesn't have to be on or she doesn't have to perform, she can just relax and be in the company of somebody who she feels she loves and accepts her, you know, in her pajamas, and I don't even I don't even know why. But we're gonna make her top bun, whatever, no makeup, and she gets to like, chill with somebody that won't judge her will just love her and accept her and has been in her life since the beginning of time, and gets to watch a show that she enjoys, and then you sit and giggle together. Right? Maybe that is the quality time that that she is looking for.
Hannah Green
Okay, so yes, I mean, that is exactly what I want. When I get home I want I don't think I can achieve the top bun because my hair is too short. But I do basically want to be in pajamas. And I do want to be sitting down. And I want to be just like chilling and not being on all day and watching True Crime documentaries. Yes, true crime documentaries, because those those documentaries are not about me. And all of the stress of my life falls away when I witnessed the stress of others lives.
Ben Green
Well, I'm happy to provide that time spent with you. That sounds that sounds good. I think that part of me is like totally happy to say yeah, I don't need to talk about how my day went or problems that I have with you I can I can bring that to other people in other relationships. And part of me also feels like that's gonna lead us to not necessarily being as close but I maybe that's like I
Hannah Green
want I want you to talk about your problems with me like, I'm your sister. Like, that's what I want to do. It's just, it's just a challenge physically, psychologically, physiologically for me to like come home from work and goes straight back into leaned in listening, receiving on mode, it's, it might be physically impossible.
Ben Green
Well, I think on top of that, you know, for me, that is nourishing and for you that is draining, even when you're talking about your stuff like that is for me doing something for you in a way that's nourishing to me like that, that feels a quality of time spent to me, but I think that for you, it feels a little bit more like an act of service. Yeah,
Hannah Green
I know. That just makes me feel like a bad sister. And I'm like, so picky about that. Like, I don't want it to be. I don't want it to seem like an act of service for me to listen to you. That feels like bad. I feel like a failure,
Ben Green
Sr. Well, I don't know if this is really about failure. It's just about figuring out what actually is happening because you know, if the choice is for you to either feel like a failure because you're not doing this thing for me or feel totally drained because you are doing this thing for me but just not acknowledging it to yourself then that is a lose lose situation for both of us.
Hannah Green
Yeah, I mean, one thing that I liked that Fe said is the idea of designing your reel lationship and while I feel like you're right, we you know, and what you said that it can be a little bit contrived at times. I wonder if there are like other things that we could do that would really feel like positive for both of us? Or if there's a design that we're missing here, is there some way of creating our time together? That makes more sense for both of us?
Ben Green
Funnily enough on on that note, Fe invited me to this event that her company curious Fox is throwing this like spring soiree where they're talking about all the different love languages, and they have all sorts of little events and booths. And that might be a fun place for us to figure out how we could spend our quality time together. Who
Hannah Green
Yes, do
Ben Green
you want to go? Yes. Okay. It's this Thursday.
Hannah Green
Ooh, ooh. Okay. Yes, I will figure that out.
Ben Green
I know, short notice, but it's gonna be fun. Yeah.
Hannah Green
Cool. All right. Let's do it. I'll see you there.
Ben Green
Hannah and I arrive at a mansion in Brooklyn, we get our wrists stamped, and head down to the basement.
Hannah Green
We're greeted by curious Fox see, oh, Jacqueline Misla, who's giving a couple of party goers, the
Jacqueline Misla
Randy are doing his love languages. So they're gonna be different stations that express the different ways in which we love and give love and get love. And so for example, if you are interested in some quality time, we have places where you can lounge and we have some cards, we can ask each other some deep questions. If you physical touches your game, we have some misuses, we're teaching how to give the perfect massage. And then if acts of service is how you like to get receive love. We have a barista who is teaching you how to make the perfect cup of coffee, followed by a party of bartenders gonna teach you how to make the perfect cocktail, followed by someone who's gonna teach you how to make the perfect cup of chocolate is words of affirmation in your game. We have a word wall where you can post some things. And we also have some poets who are gonna come you're gonna give them some key words and then write your poem. You can gift be on the exit door there is the outdoor area where there is the bar and says,
Ben Green
I'm gonna go get a drink. I'm gonna go talk to people. Cool piece. Not hard at all.
Hannah Green
Go for it and eautiful at the acts of service station, a couple of master mixologist are whipping up the perfect margarita with a crowd of spectators.
Ben Green
Yeah, excellent. No, we're not going to do we're not going to do bank smoking, right? Because we don't want to take away from the Mezcal. So with everyone else a simple syrup.
Hannah Green
I personally prefer Ben would make me macaroni and cheese or something of the pasta variety.
Ben Green
Meanwhile, I went on an interview hunt and found Justine by the fire pit who's here on a date with Mrs. what's your what's your guys's like love languages? Is that too intimate read as?
Justine
No, not too intimate. But it's different languages. I think I have one and she has another? What would you say they are? I think my love language is acts of service. One, when I first read the book, one thing that stood out to me, if you're trying to figure out what your love language is, it's probably the one that you feel like shows love to other people. So if I show up to my wife's place, and I'm like, I do all the dishes for you. Or like, Look, let me fold your laundry right and I'm getting all giddy excited about doing something. That's probably what, how I actually want other people to show love. But in fact, it may be that the way she really feels loved most of the time, it's like could be gifts, or it could be quality time, which is probably her her her favorite love language. It's not like you just have one gas tank, right? You have like dry be making your car run well, you have your your radiator needs to be filled up with fluids, you've got your gas tank, your oil, your windshield wiper fluid, right? They're all important, right? And you no matter how full your gas tank is, if you're low on oil, the car is not going to run well. And so each one of those five love languages that kind of need to be topped off periodically. So that's why I came.
Ben Green
So you said that your love language is acts of service. And that your partner's love language is quality time. Do you find it difficult to remember? Like, oh, I don't need to do the dishes for her. I need to just like hang out with her for two hours. And that's really what she wants.
Unknown Speaker
Yeah, well, that's I mean, that's sort of what the journey has been, has been realizing that you know, and it's, it's, it's not that she wouldn't necessarily appreciate snacks of service or physical touch. But there's one sort of love language often that that each person has needs a special attention paid to which I think my wife's case is, is quality time and, and for me it's it's it's acts of service, like if I if I asked my wife, like hey, I really need help responding to an email, really important working email and she's like, I'm not too busy. I feel a little abandoned, right? And likewise, if I if I show up to her place, and I just want to write emails with her and collaborate and she just wants to sit down and do absolutely nothing she's gonna feel kind of abandoned.
Hannah Green
Back inside massage guru, Amber teaches physical touch.
Amber
Cool. So welcome. I'm gonna teach a little bit of partner massage, just some beginner massage techniques for working with a little bit of stress for the neck and shoulders. Maybe we've been on the computer all day,
Hannah Green
if someone became very good at massages just for me, I think I would marry them. But Ben can just get me a gift certificate.
Unknown Speaker
So I'm gonna stand up right behind. And I'm gonna bend my knees. And I'm just gonna use the heel of my hand to just give a little bit of pressure.
Ben Green
While Hannah picks up some nice tricks about how to make the best cocktails and give the best massages. I go speak to Jackie Missler, the CEO of curious Fox, about how Hannah and I can really optimize our conversations in our one on one quality time.
Jacqueline Misla
So if you're interested in having some quality time, and that's the way that you show and receive love, you have an area we can lounge and we have some postcards, which are prompt cards, we can ask each other questions and get a little bit deeper and get to know each other similar,
Ben Green
like what kind of prompts
Jacqueline Misla
so prompts around words that people who you know and love would describe you. Things that maybe light you up things that make you feel afraid. And so there's some different possibilities for you to go and ask each other questions and get a little deep, all while kind of lounging on some clusters.
Ben Green
And looking around this party at the couple's lounging around locked in deep eye contact, asking serious questions and answering them sincerely, making finger paintings for each other giving loving massages, swapping central kisses by the fire. A few thoughts crossed my mind. Why didn't I bring a date. But also, this party is such a clear rejection of the idea of effortlessness. The connections being made here tonight are built on effort. They are gestures towards your loved ones. A service an affirmation a gift, proving the lengths you'll go to show your love.
Hannah Green
As they started serving hot chocolate with mint leaves, Ben and I went around asking how do you show love,
Unknown Speaker
I show my love I show my love by letting people be themselves are just, you know, Cherishing all parts of themselves.
Effy
I show my love by cooking delicious meals for the people that I love.
Amber
I cook breakfast and dinner and I eat. I am a very service oriented person.
Unknown Speaker
I show my love by making midnight hot chocolate with spicy additives like cayenne ginger through compliments through actions affirmations
Unknown Speaker
I show my love by listening and uplifting you know providing relief through encouraging words or just space in I feel loved when I have that the same way that's given and the person allows me to have my range. I can be dark I can be whatever I am in the moment and it's fine. You don't have to be the uplifter all the time. I can tell you how he shows his love.
Unknown Speaker
Sure. Does he show his love?
Unknown Speaker
he a lot of like physical contact. He's he listens he listens really well and I think you validate me a lot trying to think of like, rated PG things too. He's always worried about if I'm hungry
Ben Green
I want someone to worry if I'm hungry.
Unknown Speaker
She shows her love by giving compliments that are unnecessary and embarrassing. She also shows her love by being available being available when I'm uncomfortable and being available or seeking out when I'm uncomfortable I guess to know she shows her love by wanting me a lot more than I deserve to be wanted
Ben Green
that's so sweet and kind of sad also. You deserve love
Unknown Speaker
A lot a lot. Yeah.
Ben Green
You guys are so sweet. Thank you
Hannah Green
Okay, we came we saw we experience love languages. What are your biggest takeaways?
Ben Green
I think the biggest thing that I'm going to take away is that you definitely want to ship Fanon the mint before you put it in the mint chocolate and you're better off using some kind of mint oil honestly the full leaves Yeah, it doesn't it doesn't pair well.
Hannah Green
Yeah, for sure. I agree. That's definitely significant to our relationship. So good CALL Thank you. Yeah, but the sea salt was choice. What else did you take? Well, fine.
Ben Green
One thing that felt like a constant is that you really are trying to be seen and heard in this life. That's what everyone has in common. That's what all these love languages all share that comes in different forms, but it makes me think that all Our goal to come out of this with some mutually equivalent way of of spending quality time that's going to let us both be seen and heard was sort of silly, because we're individuals. And that part of being an adult relationship is figuring out how to give and take where you have to have generosity and see and hear your loved one. And in equal measure, you have to be aware of who you are and open about your needs and not build up a an imbalance in that relationship. I think that the desire for are all of our time spent together and as adult nuanced, complicated relationship to be equally good for both of us was sort of a childish, have your cake and eat it too solution,
Hannah Green
I think it's both like, I think that you have moments where you're giving and taking, and that gives you energy to have moments where you're really sharing together and both experiencing love in the same moment. I also think, you know, you and I, we were siblings, but we also chose to be more to each other than that, you know, and so we have to keep choosing that. Because that's what's gonna sort of help us get through life together
Ben Green
in a way that comes down to a similar idea that healthy marriages come down to, which is that love is work. Right, you have to continue to do the
Hannah Green
work. So the other thing that I took away was that when you're really familiar with someone, it's sort of breeds complacency, right, like, you're so familiar. Everything must be fine all the time. Probably, you know, and I think that you and I, especially now that we live together, it's even more of a spirit of comfort and complacency and just do nothing and nothing will change. But I do think that something probably needs to change so that we can nurture our relationship in a more adult way. And of course, you know, complacency, nothing happening, doing nothing. That's a very, that's very non grownup way to approach life. So I think we want to approach life in a more grown up way and really take action and have intention,
Ben Green
this idea that because we've known each other so long, that we don't necessarily feel the need to continue to explore each other's needs or wants. That's a fallacy. I mean, we're growing and our lives are changing. And we need to constantly re evaluate each other as though we aren't that familiar, because the truth is, our familiarity is constantly changing. Right?
Hannah Green
And, and our relationship is like a living thing. Yeah,
Ben Green
the person that I knew you to be when you were a teen is not the person that I know you to be now, thank God Jesus had been? No. One of the things at the spring soiree was this question series, there were a bunch of cue cards where you could ask questions of one another, I mean, outside of the context of this show you and I don't necessarily ask some of these key questions to understand who the other one is. And I think that it could be fun and meaningful for us to take a moment to do that.
Hannah Green
Do you want to take a moment to do that? I do. Okay, what's your question?
Ben Green
Okay. What is your most treasured memory? Most I mean, a, a treasured memory, a very treasured memory.
Hannah Green
I'm trying to expose something new to you. Or we're sort of having like a quality time moment, right now.
Ben Green
It's a quality time moment. And it doesn't necessarily have to be an answer that I wouldn't guess, but it's a way of acknowledging that your answer may have changed without my noticing.
Hannah Green
Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. So we're having like a quality time slash, we're committed to learning more about each other. In this moment, we're committed
Ben Green
to having solid quality time and that means continuing to see and hear each other.
Hannah Green
Okay. Oh, I love that. Okay. Okay. So my most treasured memory. I really liked when in Denver, it would be like a huge snowstorm like a four feet of snow snowstorm, you know, it would be definitely like a snow day. And I think we must have been probably ages like, you know, 1012 and we would just like get in our snow pants and snow shoes, and like our ski goggles and stuff. And just like play in the snow for a full day. Yeah, I've loved that. That was so fun.
Ben Green
It's funny, because that's one that I was really going to bring to the table too. There's yes, there's this one in particular where we were jumping off the brick wall behind our house into the big Oh yeah. Big Snow pines like a big snow drift who was so much snow that we could jump off this six foot brick wall without any risk of injury at all. And I remember that we would just take turns diving into it. It's just seems like something out of Nightmare Before Christmas.
Hannah Green
Yeah, that was so fun. We were just like giggling Yeah, I like that one. Oh, I'm glad that that was one for you to
Ben Green
do you remember when I fell off into the snow and I just stopped moving altogether? And you guys thought that I was dead? Yeah. But
Hannah Green
you later said didn't you just say you're just like enjoying the experience of being underneath a bunch of snow
Ben Green
ice on it honestly felt kind of like a womb like state. Yeah, yeah.
Hannah Green
It's like a womb. It was a womb of snow. Or you guys were so freaked out, you're like, I was like benstead. He is broken his neck and he is
Ben Green
just this episode was a collaboration with the curious Fox podcast, a show for those who challenge the status quo in love, sex, and relationships. We'll have a link in the show notes. Thanks to Effie blue and the team at curious Fox for their help with today's episode. To learn more about curious Fox or relationship by design, go to Effie blue.com On the next episode of grown up questions, we celebrate Hannah Greene's 29th birthday with the help of Author Activist ageism experts and Ted talker Ashton Applewhite. If you have any questions, feedback or story pitches, go to grown up questions.com/contact And send us a message. If you'd like today's show, call a friend will be in your feed in two weeks.
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