Coming Out as Non-Monogamous: What to Consider
Art by @reesabobeesa
One of the important conversations we ask ourselves when entering into or opening up a relationship is: Should I tell my friends and family?
In the episode Coming Out As Non-Monogamous, we sit down with a panel of non-monogamous folks to share their stories. Our special guest Wry Mantione, who hosts PolyTalks in Southern California, proudly waves his poly flag for his job. The other panelists have one foot in and one foot out, picking and choosing which close friends and family members know their situation and to what extent. The discussion challenged us to consider the pros and cons of coming out and to find the appropriate balance according to specific life circumstances.
There are obvious barriers to being fully transparent about your alternative relationship style or exploration. These include one’s job, one’s family life, and other sources of resistance from your close support network. Will it put your career at risk? Unfortunately, some workplaces may have legal clauses that can condemn transgressions related to non-monogamy (e.g., preschool teachers). It may also come up in conjunction with custody battles, and it’s worth looking into your local laws. Although our choices are ethical, they are untraditional and not accepted universally. In the same way left-handed people live in a right-handed world, those practicing and exploring ethical non-monogamy live in a monogamous world.
The pros of coming out are promoting authenticity while avoiding secrecy surrounding you and your personal life. There are lots of ways to open up about your lifestyle – like sitting someone down and talking face to face or writing a long letter with included learning resources – and the best answer will be different for each scenario. In addition to friends and family, the panelists agreed that when seeking out potential partners, they initiate a conversation about their relationship style anywhere from the first few dates to the first few minutes.
So, should you or shouldn’t you? Consider these questions: Do you come from a conservative background? Is there acceptance of alternative relationships and sexualities? Do they need to know, or do you want them to? Why? Will outing yourself also out your partner(s)? Do you want to share details or only the general picture?
Each panelist offered their own lessons learned after facing the challenges and rewards. One emphasized the idea of taking baby steps toward revealing their lifestyle and not going too fast too soon with family members. One regrets sensationalizing the sexual aspect of ethical non-monogamy since their friends were not as open to hearing about the romantic side later on. Another panelist said they hid under the label of “single” for too long while practicing polyamory. On the flip side, they now out themselves on every first date and have positive experiences with that. The last panelist admitted they regret coming out to a close family member since it transformed their relationship; in hindsight, they would have compartmentalized those parts of their life rather than try to reconcile them. All of the panelists agreed that they are grateful for the transparency about their life and the signs of support from people they love, from sources both expected and not.
A large part of our discussion related to how coming out might look different in the future. An increase in media representation, a consideration of alternative relationships as an orientation versus a lifestyle, the continuing redefinition of family and people challenging its classic nuclear structure – these are all things that might make coming out an easier decision. In the meantime, we can ask ourselves the questions posed above. What do you want out of being transparent? What do you want out of maintaining privacy? Examine your own motivations as well as others’. Whether or not you discuss your relationship style within the monogamous world, keep building friendships with like-minded people who can offer you support, solidarity, and understanding.
Until next time, stay curious.
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