What To Say When You Don't Know What To Say
Illustration by @broken_isnt_bad
“I don’t know what to say.”
After each argument, conflict, or tension, this is the inevitable phrase uttered by my partner. Yet for all of its predictability, it infuriates me.
The Octopus and the Turtle
We come from the same culture, have similar backgrounds, have the exact same design aesthetic, and yuk or yum virtually the same foods. One thing that is very different is the way that we communicate, particularly during times of conflict.
I am your standard octopus. I reach towards my partner for connection during a fight. I extend each one of my limbs, grasping for attention, acknowledgment, and affection - until my partner feels cornered or smothered. (Sexy, I know.)
She, on the other hand, is your classic turtle. She withdraws, shuts down, and even physically leaves the room during a fight. She pulls into herself and shuts me (and herself) off from connection, understanding, and reconciliation - leaving me feeling lonely, dismissed, and unresolved.
This dynamic, termed the octopus and turtle theory and pioneered by therapist Hedy Schleifer, illustrates what many of us experience in our relationships. One partner would prefer to talk about all of their feelings there and then until the wee hours of the night fluctuating between yelling and cuddling. While the other partner would love nothing more than to remove themselves from the argument - physically, emotionally, or both - never to revisit the conflict again.
To my fellow octopuses: chill out
Rooted (of course) in our insecure anxious attachment style, our need for communication, information, validation, and connection is not about our partner or about the specific argument it is about our unmet needs and unhealed wounds.
How can you tell? If the answers to the below questions are yes, then the behavior is about you:
Have you experienced this pattern (you cry out for connection while they pull away) with other partners?
Do you find yourselves repeating this pattern no matter the situation (household duties, money, sex, kids, other partners, etc.)?
Do you find yourself eventually fighting about the fact that you do not feel seen or heard instead of the thing you actually started to fight about?
If you answered yes to these questions, welcome my fellow octopus…come in, the water‘s fine.
When we find ourselves starting to get riled up; when we start following our partner from room to room or flooding their phone with texts; when the narrative in our mind says that this argument is bigger than it is and resolution is needed right away or something bad will happen…chill out.
Take a breath. Take a break. Take a drink of water.
Space and silence are uncomfortable, I know, and it is exactly what you both need right now.
Continuing to force the conversation will only result in your partner retreating further and further into themselves and away from you.
When you find yourself at the beginning of your octopus pattern, instead:
Write out your feelings and continue to edit them until you have removed the judgments, the accusations, the ultimatums, and any words such as “always” or “never.”
Get clear on what is really happening for you, and what deep hurt or fear has been triggered.
Think about whether or not your partner intentionally meant to hurt you or inadvertently stepped on this emotional landmine.
And then go for a walk, watch a movie, read a book, have a meal - do something that enables you to shift your mood, emotionally regulate, and find calm.
You and your partner will have an opportunity to revisit this discussion. For now, just take care of yourself and give them some space.
To the bewildered and evasive turtle: a tip
You, my friend, are responding from your insecure-avoidant attachment style and likely cannot understand what the hell is happening. You were doing the dishes, you made a comment to your partner about the latest credit card bill, and now you find yourself on the other end of a war - with questions, emotions, and requests coming at you from all sides.
While in this moment, the octopus’ dramatic behavior may make your silence seem sane, know that you are also responding from an unemotionally regulated place and are contributing to the drama.
While we octopuses work on chilling out, giving you space, and creating time for everyone to emotionally regulate - there is something that you can do to help your partner feel seen, help calm the waters and ease the tension, and help you reemerge from your shell.
Reflect back their words, to reaffirm what they’re saying and show you are listening. (i.e., What I’m hearing you say is…)
Commit to when you would like to revisit the conversation and share your feelings and needs.
Ask them what they need to move forward in that given moment.
It is simple, but simple doesn’t mean it’s easy.
the script
Each time my partner uttered the phrase “I don’t know what you want me to say” it amplified my anger tenfold. How could she not know what to say? Wasn’t it apparent? Wasn’t I clear? Obviously, she could communicate with me but was choosing not to. Obviously, there was a script that I needed her to say, but of course, I couldn’t share that script with her…that would be cheating. She had to find the perfect words on her own, and I would stay angry until she did. (I know that I continue to become sexier to you with each passing sentence.)
But - indulge me for a moment my fellow octopuses - what if she really didn’t know what to say? What if she really was at a loss for words and couldn’t figure out how to contribute to our calm and connection? What if she really didn’t know the script?
So, here it is turtles. Here are the steps to tranquilizing an octopus.
repeat back to them what you have heard (what they have stated their feelings and needs are)
ask them if you captured that correctly or if they have any edits
share with them that you are going to take time to get clear on your feelings and needs and will share with them once you are clear
set a specific date (and maybe even time - such as “after work” or “during dinner”) to revisit the conversation
ask them if you both can bookmark the conversation until then, and ask them what do they need to feel comfortable between now and then
This is what that would sound like in my relationship:
Hey, I’m sorry that we are in this stuck place at the moment.
Based on what you shared, I understand that you feel...
I understand that you want...
If I didn’t capture that correctly, let me know because it is important to me that you feel seen, heard, and understood.
I need some time to figure out what I am feeling and what I want because right now it is hard for me to access those things.
I would prefer to put a bookmark in this conversation and revisit it on [specific date and time] so that we can be fully present to each other and the conversation. If waiting until [date] would be hard for you, let me know and/or if there is something that we can do between now and [date] so that you can feel a little better until we have a fuller conversation please tell me.
I love you. I love us. I want to honor the confusion, hurt, and frustration that we are both feeling - and - I want to take advantage of every day with you, and don’t want full days to go by with us not talking because of tension. So let me know what you need from me to move through this for now, and I promise to give you my thoughts, feelings, questions, and full energy and attention on [date].
Of course, you will still have to have that conversation; though this time, you both will feel calmer and feel more connected to yourself and each other.
Share your scripts!
Try this exercise and write your own script in your own words. Email them to Curious Fox or share on Facebook.
Just remember to:
Reflect back their words.
Commit to when you would like to revisit the conversation and share your feelings and needs.
Ask them what they need to move forward at that given moment.
We are all having the same fights in our different corners of the world. Sharing with each other can make those experiences feel a little less lonely.
Illustration by @broken_isnt_bad
Still curious? Find and follow Jacqueline on Instagram at @JacquelineMisla. Check out the podcast, or find community on Facebook and Instagram. You do not need to figure this out on your own; stay find and connect with a curious community of friends.
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