How to be a Supportive Partner to a Sex Worker
The idea of dating a sex worker can be intimidating in many ways. Given that this week was Sex Worker Pride Day, I wanted to compile some tips on how to be a good partner to someone who does sex work for a living, inspired by my IG live chat with the exquisite Mistress Shayla. Mistress Shayla has been in the adult industry for 12 years. A full-time Dominatrix and a Sex Educator, she is experienced in many facets of the industry, from stripping to phone sex. She has had unique relationship challenges as a result of her profession, and her story is a wonderful guide for anyone who would like to be a supportive partner to a sex worker.
Defining Sex Work
Often when we think of sex work, we think of full-service work where people have sex for money. However, sex work is a broad industry. It runs the whole gamut from entirely online and various degrees of anonymous such as online panty sellers, cam work, and phone sex workers; to in-person and hands-on roles such as pro doms, massage parlor workers, and strippers; to fully public and even famous such as porn stars.
If you are interested in dating a sex worker, consider how you can show up as a supportive partner by being aware of some pitfalls that may arise.
Get clear about how you feel about sex work
Legally, sex work as a broad industry is governed by a wide range of laws and regulations across its sectors in various states in the US and in countries around the world. Socially, it’s almost universally governed by stigma, shame, and bigotry.
If you are considering dating a sex worker, you have to be honest with yourself and get clear about how you feel about sex work. Most sex workers will tell you that sex work is just that - work. It is not a reflection of their morality or about their personality. If you can’t separate the person from their job, you might not be equipped to be a partner of a sex worker.
Mistress Shayla suggests, “If you don’t like the smell of ranch, you might not want to date a server.”
If you want to be supportive of your sex worker partner, you may need to go beyond being ok with their profession but also understand the issues, injustices, and oppression they face every day, from social media platforms to financial services to healthcare providers. We posted some links to people you can follow on our Instagram.
Similarly, you may find yourself in social situations where your relationship is challenged, dissected, or dismissed. With that in mind, you may need to gather tools and skills to deal with these situations so you don’t get caught off guard. This may include coming to terms with your own judgments and triggers around the topic and educating yourself.
Respectful curiosity: seek insight rather than prying
When a sex worker reveals what they do to a potential partner, they are taking a huge risk. This risk can range from as simple as causing a scene at a public place to full-on violence.
Upon finding out someone you like is a sex worker, it’s natural to have a lot of questions. Especially if you are not familiar with the industry from a providers’ point of view. Before you go into interrogation mode, ask if they are willing and ready at that moment to address your questions.
If they are not, be respectful of their wishes. Just like a therapist may not be willing to discuss their clients at the dinner table, a sex worker may or may not be willing to “talk shop.”
If they are, be discerning with your questions. If you find yourself curious about the darker and more salacious side of their work, you might want to hold off. Questions such as, “what was the grossest/ most terrible thing that happened to you?” are either asking the person to recount traumatic events or stipulating that their job is gross and terrible.
Instead, redirect your curiosity towards gaining insight into what the job is like and how they feel about it by asking questions like, “What’s the best part of your job? What’s your schedule like? What are your favorite clients like?”
Own your feelings
It’s a common misconception that sex workers are more romantically involved or engaged with their clients thant they may actually be. This can bring up jealousy, insecurity, and fear for the partners, especially if they are more monogamously orientated. Although sex workers may have longterm relationships with certain clients that have a certain type of intimacy, these relationships often have very clear boundaries and defined expectations.
It’s important to realize your feelings are your own internal experience and not caused by your partner’s work. You need to be able to bring up how you are feeling without accusing them of any wrongdoing just because they are a sex worker and be open to coming up with creative ways to manage your feelings.
Although you can ask for text messages after client sessions or offer to be an emergency contact if they are working at a physical location such as a strip club, remember that they are working and their focus might be elsewhere at times, which is not a reflection about how they feel about you.
Mistress Shayla points out you can seek comfort in knowing that sex workers charge money to be with their clients while they date folks they truly want to be with.
Articulate your fears
It’s fair to say that sex work comes with some risk. Most sex workers are aware of these risks and have either taken steps to mitigate them or are willing to tolerate them.
As a partner of a sex worker, it’s understandable that you may have various fears. Some of these may include fearing for your loved one’s safety, “Will they encounter violence from a new client?” You may have concerns around sexual health, “Will they catch something from one of their clients and pass it on to me?” These fears may extend to social situations, “Will I constantly have to explain and defend my relationship and my partner, or shunned from certain spaces?”
Just like someone who’s dating a fighter jet pilot in the Airforce, you may have to consider more risks than someone who’s dating a retail worker. The key is to articulate those fears and have an open dialogue with your sex worker partner rather than be consumed by these questions.
Unaddressed fears and concerns can turn into anxiety, depression, or even anger and resentment. By naming your fears, you may get some reassurance or work on some creative solutions that can go towards supporting your partner and your relationship.
Good sex, free drinks, and hot company are very likely but not guaranteed
If you were dating a baker, it’s very likely you are going to have beautiful, freshly baked bread at home. Similarly, if you are dating a sex worker, it’s very likely that you are going to have a great sex life. “Good sex comes from good communication,” reminds Mistress Shayla, so even though they may be a pro, you have to do your part in communicating your boundaries and desires in a collaborative manner.
Given that sex is work for them, they likely don’t want to feel like they are at work while having sex with their partner. It’s important to have a conversation around what they like and what might feel good for them rather than expect them to perform for you or show you their skills. Also, the sex they are having in exchange for money is work while the sex they are having with their partner is a desire -- which they might not have all the time. Consider a chef who has been cooking all day might come home and not feel like cooking. Remember, you are not a client, therefore; have no expectations.
You may also find yourself receiving great perks such as free drinks at strip clubs and hanging out with your partners’ hot sex worker friends at times. Lucky you! Remember to be respectful, grateful, and behave in line with your partner’s wishes, similar to how you’d be if you were invited to a partner’s fancy corporate holiday party.
It might just not be for you
Unfortunately, loving someone doesn’t always mean you are compatible with them. A healthy relationship requires all parties to thrive in either the same or complementary environments.
If you struggle with jealousy; if you are plagued by insecurities; if you need a ton of clarity to feed safe and grounded; if you have a low risk tolerance; if you are unable to compartmentalize...then dating a sex worker might not be for you.
Imagine dating a fashion photographer or a movie star who travels often. These professionals are exposed to intimate situations with good looking and successful people that aren’t their partners. Those who are grounded in themselves, have good self-esteem, and practiced at regulating their emotions are more likely to thrive in partnerships with such professionals.
Mistress Shayla says, “Dating a sex worker is like being polyamorous. It’s dating on ‘hard-mode’” and it’s not for everyone. And that’s ok!”
Ultimately, sex workers are humans, just like the rest of us. Sex work is real work. Although sex work can seem uniquely challenging, there are many professions that are emotionally, physically, and timely challenging with their own trials and tribulations that require thought, consideration, and reflection. A heart surgeon who spends 15 hours in the operating room under pressure will bring home certain dynamics, so will a defense lawyer who might spend weeks defending a rapist.
If you want to date anyone with a taxing job, you need to be aligned with your partner’s lifestyle and career choices. A sex worker is no different.
Artist: @bunnystick
Still have questions? Check out the podcast, or find community on Facebook and Instagram. You do not need to figure this out on your own; stay find and connect with a curious community of friends.
To hear more curious and courageous stories, subscribe to Curious Fox for free or find us on Patreon for even more bonus content. Each week you will find more stories and lessons, as well as ways that you can explore your curiosity.
Still Curious?
